I know the rest of my family will not help my grandparents. It doesn’t matter how many times I ask for help. I’ve been desperate enough that I’ve called crying, literally begging because it’s too much to handle on my own but I don’t get anything but excuses. I’ve finally understood they’ll never help me and I can’t guilt them into helping or wish they become better people. I’ll have to keep doing the best I can, alone, while trying to raise my own family.
But how do I get past the resentment?! How can I act like it’s fine when my grandparents talk about their kids and other grandkids when I see what’s really going on? My grandmother can be hard to deal with- she’s pretty mean to me and is very demanding. I do everything I can, but it’s always wrong, never up to her standards. All day, every day, without a break. Yet she has her daughter on a pedestal, despite never seeing her and rarely even getting calls from her?! I’m so frustrated (and busy) and I don’t know how to get over this resentment. It’s not helping me be a better caregiver, it’s just making me miserable.
And in your posts you make it sound like you're taking care of 2 households, yet in your profile you say that your grandmother lives with you. Which is it? Not that it really matters as you just need to bow out of this caregiver situation as you say your sobriety is on the line, and you MUST make your sobriety a priority if not for yourself then for your children, and your grandparents or grandmother will have to make other arrangements.
No one can force you to do what you're doing. So why are you really doing it? What are you getting out of it besides lots of stress? Because you're a single mom are you living with them for free with the understanding that you'll take care of them?
I don't think we're getting the whole story here, but bottom line it's time for you to step away and start taking care of yourself and your children.
If need be you can call APS and report 2 or 1(I'm not really clear)vulnerable adults after you leave and they will take it from there.
You were strong enough to stop drinking or using drugs, and now it's time to be strong enough to just say NO to taking care of your grandparents. Because when you do, someone else will have no choice but to step up, and even if they don't, the state will step up and take over their care.
You're stronger than you know and you can do this!!!
The only thing you can do is say "no, I cannot possibly do that". Practice that in a mirror until you feel comfortable saying it. Grandma may challenge you on that, but hold your ground, even walk away.
What does your Mother say about this situation? Did she go through it earlier on? Did you try to take care of her parents, and being older it burnt her out, too?
Who are your grandparent's Power of Attorney? Wonder if the grandparent's have any savings that they can use so they can live in senior living. Wouldn't it be great for them to be around people of their own age group. Or is that a Senior Center where your grandparents can be taken for the day? Even one or two days a week would give you some down time.
Drop it like a hot potato; tell your grandparents that you are resigning and that they will need to make other arrangements.
I posted for the first time recently and I am in a similar situation, except the only differing thing is the type of relative we're discussing is different.
I agree with @bungleofjoy's answer.
It's a very hard situation to be in this situation. I'm living with it everyday. In my case its my adult siblings, some married, some not. In my case I feel like because I have looked after my mother since my father passed about 20 years ago, it's because of me they still have a mother, it's because of me they were able to get on with their lives, raise their children, focus entirely on their own lives, because someone else was doing the caregiving for mom, because if I had the same mentality and said I want to go off travelling the world and do other things, she'd would have deteriorated much more rapidly.
I came to the same conclusion as you about immediate relations, in that my siblings will never change their ways. Instead I have to do what's best for me while caring for my mother, because I can't change the way they think. Some answers to my question were also validated for my situation.
I still get to hear how wonderful my mother thinks her other son's and daughters are, even though I do the caregiving and they rarely visit or occasionally phone her, that's when they are bored mind you, not because they're dying to speak with mom and miss her. When growing up I never thought it would be like this. It's all very sad.
How did you end up being the sole caregiver? and not anyone else? 95% of the time it is the adult children that look after the aging parents.
I can relate to your feelings regardless of how you ended up being the sole caregiver.
I can be my own hero, however no one will be able to give me the time back, 15+ years in my case is a long time to devote to caregiving, it's sometime a thankless job. The resentment that stays with us is, as bundleofjoy said when others are getting on with their lives, we would've liked to do the same, but had more compassion than others. Plus once in the role of caregiving the people that are being cared for depend on you more and more, it become difficult to just take off. It's not that I don't want to do the caring, the resentment mainly comes from the lack of support and the lack of shared responsibility.
When possible, the joy has to come in small mental escapes, to enjoy some things for yourself.
Love & Peace.
You should not be doing this. You have a family to care for. You also do not need to take the abuse.
What kinds of things do your grandparents need? If its transportation, your local Office of Aging can supply that. If your cleaning their house, Grandmom can hire someone to do that. I would ask your Office Of Aging to evaluate ur grandparents situation. They maybe able to help with resources. You don't tell Grandma they are visiting till the day of. Do no straightening up. Let them see how ur Grandparents live when u aren't there. Before O of Aging comes tell Grandma you cannot help them anymore. You can't care for them and your family too and your family is #1.
That she needs to listen to what O of A has to offer and take advantage of it. Because you are burnt out and can no longer be there for them.
If this does not work, then you call Adult Protection Services and tell them you have 2 vulnerable adults that you can no longer care for and their children refuse to help. Explain u can no longer take care of 2 households and your family is suffering.
Be ready to have your Aunts and Uncles throw a fit. Stand up for yourself. I AM RAISING A FAMILY my grandparents are not my responsibility, they are yours. If you don't want to physically care for them, OK. But you should make sure they have resources to live on their own.
I could bend over backwards to take on some weird task for mother, and she would act grateful, but no matter when I went to see her she'd ask the same questions. "Have you seen your sisters? What's your brother up to?"
Yes, there was resentment there. I know YB was really affected by it--and now that mother has passed, I see him calming down and his whole family is calmer. (He has 4 adult daughters living with he and SIL. They're not ever moving out--so that's weird, but it's their weird).
Your parents should be dealing with this. Maybe they just don't see it as you do. Have you spoken directly to them about how hard this is on you and how you'd kind of like to have a LIFE of your own.
You HAVE a family and the resentment you feel towards granny is going to affect how you treat your own kiddoes. One thing that seeing my mother living with my YB is that all 5 of our kids say that they will NEVER let us live without the best of care, it just won't be in their actual home.
For your sake, you family's and for grandma, you need to pull up those bootstraps and get a plan laid out. Who is POA? I'd talk to THEM and give THEM a timeline of when gma will be out of your home. If that timeline isn't met, she gets dropped of at one of her kids' homes. And you change your locks.
Then you can start to work on the resentment.
And... I do hope you are being paid for every little extra thing you do. Hired care is almost always more expensive that paying a family member, and a little financial recompense can help you feel more valued and less resentful. It's all part of setting boundaries and prioritizing self care, if they won't pony up then they'll just have to do without, or hire someone else.
you are fully justified to feel resentment (i validate you). and it's totally wrong that YOU alone care for your grandparents -- and in addition, others (who don't help at all) are put on a PEDESTAL.
hugggg.
it seems to be verrrry common.
the non-helpers are loved dearly, while the helper is blamed, criticized by the elderly LO.
you are not alone. i think there are millions of caregivers in this situation.
the thing is, your resentment it totally justified. don't try to kill your resentment. it'll re-surface because it's JUSTIFIED. it would be insane not to stand up for yourself. and it's INSANE others in your family aren't standing up for you (insane, and very, very typical). are the non-helpers helping to find solutions, so that you can be free? of course not. are they looking at facilities, are they doing anything, to help free you up? of course not.
solution?
no one will help you. you must be your own hero, and save your life. find freedom.
let me guess? you're a girl?
of course.
1 of billions of girls whose lives have been, and are being sacrificed, while others go play outside.