The man I care for asked me to look at something on his phone. As I took it and started reading a message from his doctor, I could see in my periphery that he was rubbing his crotch. I tried to just turn away, hoping he would become aware that I did not approve of his behavior, but while I was responding to him about the message from his doc, I could see he was still doing it. He's 92, but with no mental decline. Things like this have happened before, but I'm especially frustrated because I feel like he employed a ruse to get me to come close. In the past I have just assumed/hoped he didn't think I noticed, but if he is set on trying to involve me, I feel like I'm going to have to deal with this. I feel so bothered with this that I set up an account here! Hope I can find some help!
If you have no other problems managing his care, I’d request those financially responsible to buy a couple heavy leather carpenter’s aprons, “for Jim’s comfort and protection”.
If you are a hired professional and that doesn’t work, you may have to decide that the job isn’t worth your discomfort.
I’d feel equally uncomfortable having to speak to a 92 year old man as though he were a small child, but I can’t imagine the “naughty naughty” approach to be fair to either you OR him, and I can’t imagine it getting the result you’re looking for.
Ultimately he may need a male attendant.
I've taken care of a lot of old men. Many of them in a constant game of pocket pool and many with dementia.
If someone needs some shaming or a little bit of a telling off because they're jerking off, they will get it from me. In 25 years I only had one male client that I dropped from my service because of "that" and he wasn't even elderly. He was just a nasty perv and I'm not having any of that nonsense.
If you tell a person 'knock it off' and you say it well enough, they'll stop. Even an old timer with dementia will. There's no need for leather aprons and carpentry accessories. Put the mitts on somebody of you have to. I've had to.
I do not believe that a person with dementia "knows exactly" what he/she is doing.
Isn't that why we take away driving privilege's, why we do not want someone with dementia living alone, why they need Memory Care? Why someone has to be their caregiver and manage ADL's for them?
that is why I phrased my comment the way I did.
IF this person is cognizant then you can rationalize with them, they CAN understand that this is not appropriate.
IF the person is NOT cognizant then the filters that make the rest of us (or at least most of us) adhere to the polite social norms of society are gone.
IF "hamperface" understands dementia and the decline that goes with it then she makes the choice to remain as an employee IF this does not bother her (I suspect it does)
IF the client/patient does not have dementia then by all means leave the employment.
But again the person that hired "hamperface" should be told why she is leaving and be prepared to inform other potential caregivers. The last thing a family needs is to have a sexual harassment suit on their hands. (this would be if this person is cognizant although there are lawyers that would probably try a law suit even if the person has dementia. Particularly if the family is aware of the situation)
Copied and pasted from Beatty. Say it loud and clearly!
I alway laugh when i see the visiting angels commercials and the young woman is helping the old man get into his pjamas and i think about posts like this that have been on here before. Old people are still who they are just with a lot more wrinkles. So once a pervert always a pervert
I'm going to say a grown man abusing himself in front of me, is one those occassions.
"What's going on there?"
It may be he is wet/uncomfortable/repositioning?
But sure, there will be clients with inappropriate behaviour too.
If you suspect self-stimulating behaviour, I'd be upfront with explaining that I did not need to be present. "I will give you some alone time". Then leave the room for 10mins or so.
Don't be afraid of stating "that is not appropriate behaviour in front of others". The tone you want is authoritive.
If he is cognizant of what he is doing then you tell him that it is not appropriate and if he wishes to continue you will leave the room, or he can go to his bedroom or bathroom.
If he continues to do this while you are present you can give notice.
If he is not cognizant as to what he is doing placing a lap blanket over him would not be out of line.
If he is not cognizant telling him what he is doing is inappropriate will do no good.
Is he actually your employer or there someone else that is paying you? (spouse or other family member?)
If you intend to give notice you should inform your employer as to why you are leaving. This would be so that if they are unaware of what is going on they can inform other potential caregivers.
My Husband did what I called "re positioning himself" and I would tell potential caregivers that this was what he did. He never exposed himself and this was more of a habit there was no "satisfaction" in what he was doing. No caregiver ever expressed any concern over it.
The bottom line is if you feel uncomfortable with the situation, the gentleman then give notice. It does not matter if he employed a ruse or not the outcome is the same, you are uncomfortable and possibly violated it is not worth your mental health to remain in a situation that makes you uncomfortable.
Always speak up. My usual response was:
'Knock it off. Nobody wants to see that.'
If the behavior continues, leave their service.