Let me tell you my story, I am 88 years old and I have a husband who is 98. We have been married and in love for 70 years.
We had a “Camelot” the entire married life. Both of us are Holocaust survivors and living in the great USA was a dream come true.
HOWEVER! The dream has ended. My dear husband is old. Not seriously sick, but the parts are worn out. Can’t walk anymore, can’t talk anymore, can’t hear anymore, can’t eat anymore and of course some memories issues. Since we are so old, most of our friends are dead and the younger ones do not want to do anything with us.
Nice picture so far? We have children, grandchildren, great grandchildren but they all live at some distance and have their own lives.
I am young! I take care of how I dress, how I smell but sometimes the loneliness gets to me. I hate to complain for I know what a pain it is for the receiver. It hurts me tremendously that I can’t visit my little ones and that the family I created and raised is not with me. Yes, I also get depressed, but I seeked medical help and in spite of that it is so so hard. No one to talk to, no one to visit, no one calls, no one comes.
Life is incredibly difficult when one is old, have understanding , pity, and perhaps you who is in all you mental powers can find a solution to make the late years of your parents better. A little gift, a little surprise, a little visit from a loved one.
But to argue, complain, fight?
Ignore their complaints, lie to them, try to understand.
Compassion! Kindness! Love...
Compassion, kindness, love and yes lying to them!
As a nurse I’ll suggest to tell their parent a lie. It’s something that some can’t do. However, at times it’s needed.
Your message moved me so deeply, as everything you describe resembles the condition of my own mother, and recently, my mother in law...
It has been a year since I lost my mother, and everything that you describe, including WWII memories, also affected my mother.
I lived with her my entire life, and married late with "the One", a wonderful man who respects parenthood and the essence of the Family.
I was my Mom's nurse, loving daughter and daily companion.
I accepted a demotion and a salary reduction, to work from home.
My Mom lived in our home until her last breath. She was bedridden for a year, yet she never had to go to a place. Our home was her shelter.
I feel happy for this, yet when she was alive, the sadness and some times anger at my siblings for abandoning our Mom would become unbearable...
The moment I lost my Mom, they did nit matter any more. Property rivalry became insignificant, compared to the emotions of gratitude to my Mom, and the pain of separation...
Your words echo what my Mom would say about loneliness. She would cry, asking me why relatives and her other children don't even call. As the daily receiver of these complaints, and heart breaking emotions, I reached a burn out point.
If I could go back in time, I would stop bothering with my siblings. I would still give it all to my Mom. I would cherish the SPECIAL BOND with her more, and would not bother about the financial risk, or the cold hearted relatives.
I have lost my mom, and dont talk to my siblings or relatives, as they all neglected her in her last years.
I write poems about my Angel Mother, and the pain of missing her only goes away by the gratitude of having Her in my life.
As family values have been eroded by a fast paced materialistic society, humankind has committed a crime against our elderly, especially You, the Silent Generation, the WWII heroes.
I am sending you my love, and please remember that God, the spirits of our loved ones and everything that is eternal are always with us, both the Elderly, and their Caregivers....
All the experiences you have had are so valuable to not just your family but to others.
Have you visited a Holocaust Museum? I bet they would love to have an interview or maybe you could volunteer.
You remind me of my Grandmother she was an amazing woman, strong. I am now 65 and I would dearly love to know that she would have approved of the woman I have become. (same thoughts with my parents, my mom died when I was 11 a year or so later my Grandma then my dad when I was 15)
Make things easy have all your paperwork in order.
Clear out all the "stuff" no one wants. That's gonna be hardest of all
You sound like a remarkable woman!
By the way...the dream has not ended...It has just changed a bit as all dreams do and we learn to adapt to the dream
My Mother In Law has the same age like you, and needs a friend to call, and share memories ... Would you like us to keep in touch? We live in Texas, but can call and chat on Facebook...
Thanks!
I’m truly sorry for the issues you’re experiencing. When I’m out and about, seniors are without fail my favorite people to visit with. The wisdom is invaluable. I wish you peace
im “young” compared to you. I’m sitting here with my cat on my lap, crying as I grieve my husband who passed 9 months ago. I never had children. Was a compassionate nurse, and caregiver . Now I grieve these final three months of last year as he was on hospice. No human to really love me , I think I would absolutely end my pain if I didn’t have these animals who love me and would miss me. With holidays and the hallmark Christmas movies non stop all showing love for the young- and that reinforces my life us over.
Our kids get busy with their lives without realizing how important grandparents and extend family are for little ones. Our kids refuse to think about the fact they’re the next generation in line to face the very same situation. People need love from birth to death. Without it ones health deteriorates. The elderly have to put great effort out to find new friends as old friends have passed on. Those friends will be younger then they are. So one has to plan an activity both will enjoy and both are capable of still doing. We tend to make excuses for this utterly selfish behavior on our kids because we are afraid the crumbs they offer us will then be taken away altogether. My Mother along with her controllable mental issues has lived with me for 20 years. Not one other family member contributes or cares about her well being. I’ve raised 12 kids along the way. Spent thousands of dollars correcting mistakes they made along the way that easily could have been avoided. The money spent definitely cut into my retirement savings. I’m certain they’ve never even given that a thought. I love them all. A lot of effort was put into their education. I was forever pushing them to do well in school. Helping them succeed. They all have jobs that pay way above the USA average annual income. They are great parents. But their father has a terminal illness they pretty much choose to use the out of sight out of mind plan. I’ve been a caregiver since before my first child was born. There are natural givers in life but far more takers. Sadly no one sees themselves as they truly are. It’s easy to explain away ones actions. No one wants to be guilted. I was bitter about all this in the beginning but I’ve now accepted it. I try to take the high road as when I die and my kids go through my things they will only find love and positive things. I’ve shared this simply because it’s my truth and I’m certain others can relate.
The other thing this reminded me of is the continuum of life that children need to experience. The need to see mom/dad caring for their parents so they understand their responsibilities as you age. They need to see that aging is a part of life and it doesn't mean the person is any less a valued and respected member of the family. They need role models for every age to learn how to cope when they get there. They need not to fear aging.
This is a teachable moment in that most of us use this forum as a way to de stress or talk about issues that pop up on the
road less traveled.
I am grateful for all those who have come before me who are brave enough to share. It truly makes my journey a little easier.
I also learned that the elderly loved one does not share the same perspective and a way to help each other is to ask:
Caregiver to Elderly “what is it like to be you?”
Likewise the elderly loved one can ask what life is like for me!
There is a great article in AARP this month that shows both sides. The author
admitted herself as a resident before
taking the job as Administrator. She said it was a deep gut-wrenching experience.
She had no “control”, felt invisible after being rolled out into the hallway to sit and certainly no dignity (She gave herself urinary incontinence diagnosis). She was checked every 2 hours even at night and she became sleep deprived and after her 24 hour fake residency she went home and cried.
Bottom line Seniors need “purpose” in daily lives. A reason to get out of bed. But they also need a choice and a voice.
Does the community utilize the resident’s talent and gifts? Do residents wake up when they want? Does the community
adapt to them?
My loved one has been a resident of Memory Care for a year. Add dementia to
the equation and every day is a new day.
I would love to say this is a good forum to
hang around for anyone who “chooses”.
Like you, he had 3 children and many grandchildren - but while he was there for them as they grew up, they were not there for him as he aged. I lost him last year at the ripe old age of 97 and I miss him dearly. I would gladly do it all over again just to have him even longer in my life.
What is truly sad is that they all would have come to his funeral - so why couldn't they be there for him while he was still alive?
I'm praying for you today. Again, thank you for your post.
Hugs & Prayers.
It's always been this way - and will continue to be like this until science finds a way to stop the aging process.
Developing strategies to adapt to those losses is the secret to coping with them. Waiting around for others to fill our "emotional void" is never an effective strategy.
I am 68. I skate, take tai chi as a form of moving meditation, and frequently go out for lunch with friends. I still travel and go camping with my son's family once a year. I am still socially mobile (meaning i have a car and can still drive to go places). As we age our loved ones and friends die and for some, our ability to drive is gone....And since our peers are in the same shoes ( or have died) we don't have someone to drive us to and from and we become isolated. I drove my parents shopping, to appointments, visiting, church. But no one else came over to visit them. They missed people. They missed their independence (socially & physically). And there's not mutch one can do living only on social security, so my sibs & i helped there too. Growing old is not for the faint of heart. It can be frightening too when you cannot remember yesterday, when confusion sets in and you don't understand what's happening around you.
Take heart people. "Old age" is not the "golden years" people dream of.....it's fools gold. Personally i dread the prospect and hope to "die young" (regardless of the number of candals on my cake). But...i too will probably be in a nursing home, being fed and diapered, and lonely, isolated, frustrated and frightened.
That's just reality. So...have compassion. Breed compassion in others. Our turn is coming.
Your children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren can keep in touch through video chats weekly. I have one daughter who was "lighting Shabbos candles with Bubie" in a video chat every Friday afternoon, so that Bubie could see them and they would know who she was. It isn't as good as a hug but it is still wonderful.
If your husband's health is stable, hire a companion to come with you and take care of him and help both of you to travel to see the family.
Make a party for your birthday/his birthday/your anniversary and invite the family.
Ask them to include you in their parties and events via live streaming video.
Finally, if you can't do any of this, tell your children that you both love them and miss them, and ask them to come visit while Zadie can still interact with them. I flew my kids in from Israel to see my father in the hospital. He actually recovered enough that we had him for 2 more months. That visit made all the difference for Dad, Mom and my kids. No guilt about what wasn't done, just memories of love shared.
I did notice the loneliness, too, when he was home and in assisted living (and it was tough to see him go through that). He always said to my mother "Nobody ever comes to visit me, I don't have any friends or family that visit." My mother would mention that I would visit, along with her and also a couple of friends that lives at my mother's apartment complex. He said "I know but I wish I could see more." We mentioned that to my nieces and nephew and they said that they would send cards. They never did send cards. My brother decided that they were going to visit him, the day before he passed away. At that time, he was sleeping a lot. They saw what he was doing (sleeping) and left for home. The next day he died.
My Dad said to me once "We like it when you come over for a visit. Since we are getting older, we love to sit and visit with others." I ended up doing it more when he got ill, I wished would of done it more when I was younger and when he wasn't ill. Since I am getting older (46 years old), I am realizing that I appreciate a good visit at home/resturant/etc more than a good night at a bar. For a couple of years now, I have been volunteering with a group of friends doing bingo games at the vets home a half hour away from me--I really like the visits, Some of them are really young at heart, tell some interesting stories and have a good sense of humor. Many of them don't have relatives or friends that visit with them, so these games are a treat for them. They like the prizes, but most importantly they love the company and visits. I plan on continuing that in the future. I also suffer from clinical depression, so the volunteer work at the Vets home and at the food pantry (also work there, too. Many seniors have to sadly rely on food pantries because of their fixed incomes.) really help my depression. To me, volunteering for these organizations make me feel good and it makes me happy that many people feel good after someone visits with them.
I am also looking at volunteering at the coffee shop at my dad's old ALF, but I need time to grieve. When I feel I am stronger again, I will put in a volunteer application there, but now, I am focusing on getting through this tough time and helping my mother with her loss (We have been spending a lot of time together).
(Note: My mom is active in knitting groups-She knits stuff for homeless shelters and domestic abuse centers. She has made many friends (Younger and older) and many of them have been there for her since my dad got sick and after he passed away). She plans on seeing them more now. Friends and family are helping her through this tough time in her life...Do you enjoy knitting or crocheting? Maybe you could get involved in a group that makes things for less fortunate people? It helped my mom, maybe it will help you. Just a thought. )
maybe its time to call some of your younger friends and suggest going out for lunch or having them over for pie and ice cream, just to rekindle the friendships that you once had! Dont let the depression and loneliness consume you, you are the only one in control! Call your kids tell them you miss them and would like to see them and maybe plan something with them!
Good luck, be happy!
Do I understand that you take care of yourself and your husband there at home? That's a big job in itself. If you are able to go out during the day, is there a community or senior center where you might find exercise classes or interest groups? I live in an urban community with a YMCA, JCCA, book clubs, a community center and some independent senior activity centers. We have lots of participants in their 80's and 90's. For those of us who live alone, attending those classes is important social contact.
Appreciate that your are in good health yourself to help your husband. Investigate activities you might be able to be a part of even if you needed to hire a care-taker for a few hours to monitor your husband.
Good luck to you. Certainly make use of this forum for any support and encouragement some of these posts might give you.
I always want to impress on people that life goes by quickly and there are no promises for tomorrow, so spend time with those you love while you can. Your kids should help you make this happen. And we will all go through disability and loneliness before our lives are over, so we need to be sympathetic, patient and understanding.
Dear lady, do you belong to a church? If you let them know what you need, they will usually make it happen. Churches are full of wonderful caring people.