I am about to become a caregiver to both parents; how do I begin?

My parents moved 3 houses down from me while in their 60s. I had no idea but somewhere along the way their marriage had deteriorated. Their poor relationship and mental state eventually took its toll on their health and by the time they were in their early 70s I had a real mess on my hands. It's been a disaster for about 8 years. I've had to play marriage counselor in addition to helping out with health care issues, home maintenance, management of bills, etc. I would not advise getting yourself in a situation where 60-something parents begin to rely on you. You will have a long road ahead.

DONT DO IT!

Mom and dad will need increasingly skilled care and there is no way you can do that for 2 parents in the long haul. There is no monetary benefit for either of you to do this. Where will your income come from? How will you manage a job especially when you will encounter one crisis after another and need time off to manage. Long term -- once mom and dad are gone or in residential care -- how will this leave you? will you have healthcare, savings, retirement income saved? Are you willing to give up all social life and friends/freedom you have now?

I suggest you work with local aging center and social services and research options for in -home care for mom and dad. You live on your own and help when you can. IF they are in there 60s they could go on a very long time and once you move in together -- it will be very hard emotionally to undue and move out.

DONT DO IT.

Our first thought and reaction is to jump all the way in and help out our parents. Before we know it we are in the ocean without a life jacket. Not all situations are like this but I'm going off my experience.

You are young and my advice is to look at all other options for your parents. Check with the Dept of Aging in your area and support groups. They each have information and resources that can help you out in this situation.

DO NOT QUIT YOUR JOB TO BE A CAREGIVER. You will give all monies paid into social security, company retirement, health benefits for yourself and YOUR FUTURE.

Remember you are not alone. This site offers plenty of advice and resources. Ultimately it is your choice but please weigh all options. This is not a short term fix, it is a life-long commitment.

My mom lived til she was almost 98. Are you willing to take care of one or both parents for the next 30 years? That's what you're signing up for if you move them in with you. They clearly have no worries about taking you down with them. Like others have said, don't ruin your life because of your parents' lack of good choices and planning for the future. You don't owe them your own future.

Please spend a lot of time on here reading other threads about situations similar to yours before you do anything you can't change.

My mother has lived with me since she was 69 - she is 89 now. It has been difficult and I admit I am tired of never being able to do anything on the spur of the moment and having to cancel carefully laid plans due to an emergency.

There are a few specific reasons this has been even remotely workable for me.
1) My mother has enough money to help purchase our house, cover her share of living expenses and cover a part-time caregiver.
2) my job is very flexible - I have been able to work at home part-time and I live only a mile away from work.
3) my husband is a huge help- and a really really positive person. I could not have done it without him.

If your job is not that flexible then you will have trouble. There were years I spent all my vacation and sick time caring for my mother - I am lucky to have had the time to use. I have also been lucky that I could take advantage of the Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA) which meant that I could take time off without pay and still be assured of my job.

But without her money and a flexible job? I would not have been remotely capable of caring for one, let alone two people. It will wear you down. You will become resentful. Your quality of life will deteriorate. You will end up in worse financial shape when you get to their age. There were times when my mother was very ill when I thought I was going to go crazy - she was waking my multiple times a night and I was trying to work during the day.

So don't do it. Find an Elder Law Attorney. Figure out how to get them set up without bankrupting yourself or ruining your own health. It may seem cruel – but if you work yourself to death for them then they are worse off than if you carefully arrange care for them now that doesn't involve you.

Love17....I don't see in your original post nor any responses thus far any indication of your personal situation. Specifically, are you an only child, and are you never married, divorced, have children, etc. It seems from your expressed circumstances that you have no siblings, or at least, none that live nearby or are able and willing to help.....ditto on the marital status/children query. As one poster noted, though, you must only be in your 30's or 40's, and that is still very young and all of those circumstances can still change. It would be very limiting to you and your own life to devote yourself to living and caring for both of your parents who, only being in their 60's themselves, may live at least another 20 to 25+ years. Please consider your own life potential, and how down the road you may come to deeply regret having signed on to a caregiving role for your parents that leaves you devoid of personal happiness and joy. As has been noted multiple times, this community is available 24/7 and is very caring and supportive. Please consider all of the input you have received thus far before proceeding to make a pretty irrevocable life decision.

Help your parents find a rental unit they can afford. Maybe they can get a subsidy or at least get on a list for a senior apt. Rent an apt for yourself nearby so you can visit often but be able to retreat to your own space.

Love17 I didn't get how old you are but given that your parents are only in their 60s I think you must be in your 40s - this means you are still young and should have a lot of life ahead of you. I am the same age as your parents (67) and have been responsible for caring for my own mum (now 91) for 11 years. I never thought when I took this job on board that I would be doing it for so long but here I am. One thing I can be grateful for is the fact that in my late 50s when I retired myself from good health I had had a very interesting and rewarding career and as an academic I could continue from home doing as much work as I could manage. So essentially, I have given up very little in comparison with what you are being asked to give up. However, I myself become very downhearted at the situation, and this has had a dreadful impact upon my own health, through overeating to deal with the stress. You are too young to face what could be 30 years of caregiving, you will exhaust yourself as you take on too much. You need to look for alternatives that don't burden you in this way - you will come to resent your caring role.

Is there a chance they could get into an Assisted Living situation? I don't have first hand experience, but I know they exist. If they have low enough income they may qualify for Medicaid. I've been told by Nurses and other professionals that Medicaid actually provides much more help than Medicare. I think you need to talk to a social worker. I would start by calling an Office of the Aging in your area. Or possibly going through their Drs or hospitals. I would also say don't do it. I think it will be too much for you and a great risk to your own life and health.

You're talking about a lifetime commitment thing's will get worse,to the point you may not be able to keep or have a job, give up your social life, it will be the hardest thing you have ever done, and don't expect help from others, you are giveing up part of your life. Social Security money will be going for medical treatment, so don't count on it at all, some agency's might help with a couple of hours of taking care of them a week about enuff time to go to a doctor or dentist appointment. If altzimers or dementia comes into play thing's will go south fast.but there will still be times before that when a turn of conditions sickness hospital recovery will be very difficult. Then there's personal conflicts that will come up. By the end you will be constantly on the edge or over the edge of caregiver burnout. Unpaid caregivers are usiley in the position by a sense of duty that can quickly fade to a feeling of intrapment . Perhaps an assisted liveing housing might be a better choice. Wish I could paint a better picture of it and it might not be that bleak I caregiver for two dementia patients. But I started out just volunteering for two weeks while the man got over prostrate surgery, then his wife got in a wheelchair, then both started showing signs of dementia so my two weeks of light duty help for one,quickly turnd into heavey duty care giveing for two. With all there 9 kids not offering any help and not coming around except to tell you how to do your job.

Please listen to the good advice of many experienced caregivers - myself included.

FIRST, spend $350 for an hour and a half of an Elder Lawyer's advice. It was priceless to me and I was able to save my Mom's condo property and bank account from Medicaid when we finally applied. It is the best money spent.

SECOND, we moved in with my Mom with dementia for 10 years all together - she is now 96. I love my Mom, but my husband and I got sick and could not make our own money (we are both self-employed so we had 'flexible' hours too). However, their care does get very complicated and you may not be able to work around it. It will be MORE difficult to pull out of that situation later on, when they are 100% dependent on you. It hurt me more to have to cut the cord to save ourselves. Had I to do it again, I would have chosen a different road.

THIRD, your life will no longer be yours. Believe all the people who have told you this. Yes, it may be the Christian-expected-thing-to-do on the outside - taking care of your parents - but you have to weigh that on the inside. It took me 10 years of selfless service in caring for Mom to realize that I was choosing someone else's needs out of love for the other, and destroying my own God-given life and heart's needs, thus not loving my on Self. This is not healthy on any level - including the spiritual. Our individual mission in this life IS to honor, love and respect our own greater Self, our Higher Self, as God lives within each one of us, as us!

No, no one can tell you what to do. Yet, do not act so quickly that you cannot study this situation from all the angles presented. Please consider all the experienced advise given to you on this blog and contemplate how you will honor your own God-given life. If your answer equals sacrificing it for your parent's welfare and not your own, then go forth once you are conscious of all details involved and have responsibly accepted all the consequences - on all levels of your being. If you have doubts about living with them, listen carefully to your own inner knowing. Although it may not give you a good intellectual reason for not doing this, it will save you. Trust your gut!

All the best!

I strongly urge you to not proceed with such an arrangement....I'm 81, have had open heart surgery, and still get around. In their late sixties, despite some infirmities, they might live for a good many years. You, however, may well not make it that long...You will have no life.
My suggestion is they sell their townhome, go to an assisted living facility, spend their equity and income as long as it lasts and perhaps they would qualify for Medicaid...(I say perhaps, because they may or may not qualify...There is a threshold of needed care that must be met to qualify for Medicaid...

I would not for a moment give a single thought to their spending the proceeds from the selling of their dwelling. Life is difficult...When they run out of money during a period of private pay care, then seek a different trail....it is not your responsibility to give your life (literally) for a potentially very long time.

There may also be huge problems if their proceeds from the sale of their townhome are combined with your funds from the sale of your townhome and purchase a house in your name only. (you may want to consider consulting an elder care lawyer on this particular issue.)

Just kidding, but if I were your uncle, I'd consider "kidnapping" you to keep you from entering into such an arrangement...(Again, just kidding.)

Grace + Peace,

Bob

The best place to start is talk yourself out of it. Find creative ways to enable them to care for themselves. If they need a wheelchair, opt for a power chair instead but only if they are not legally blind. Make sure walkways are clear and there are night lights on the way to and from the bathroom and make sure they're installed close to the floor to light the way.

If your town has a meals on wheels program, you may want to look into ordering it for them but this may have to go through their doctors. If they don't have a microwave, you may need to see where you can get one fairly cheap and make sure it's in safe working condition. This will help with reheating hot foods that are packaged in serving size packs. Our area has a meals on wheels program for the elderly and disabled, even if you're just temporarily disabled if your doctor orders it. Another idea is to keep lots of canned goods and a can opener handy. Other nonperishables that need no refrigeration are also very helpful so you don't have to cook as much if you don't want to or don't feel like it or maybe even if you just can't. These are just a few ideas to get you started in providing for your parents to take care of themselves. Living on your own comes with a certain level of responsibility when you become adults because you're no longer children. If they are going to live on their own then they need to take responsibility that comes with independent living. There are assisted living programs out there and there's also home healthcare, make them use those programs if they need help. You're actually best to leave the caregiving to the pros who are specifically trained in this particular area

I live with my parents since 2002. My mother has Alzheimer's dementia/ my dad has had open heart surgery and is recently recovering from another major surgery on his body as we speak.  I hadn't planned on going this route; but it became necessary sooner than not, and given that I've been doing it since 2002, the math is easy to add up.

 When I saw their conditions, I considered that they asked you because they don't want to go into a home, and their health didn't seem terminal at this time.

So then I considered what this might mean for you.

I would suggest a few things: I would contact a lawyer specializing in caring for elderly parents. Based on your state, you may be able to claim them as dependents. A link to look at: credit.com tax-breaks-you-can-get-for-taking-care-of-aging-parents

1. Mobility: your parents are going to be unable to go up or down the stairs as they get older. so does either town-homes offer that? If not, then what should be considered in a new place is if there is a bedroom on the first floor.

2. Independence: it's not your independence at stake; it's theirs too. The best way to keep people independent when you are combining homes (which you're doing) is to find a home that lets them remain independent from you. In my home, we have a one one floor house with a bonus room that was created into a full bedroom apartment for myself (an office, a full shower, and bedroom). We nixed getting a separate entrance, but my space is big enough for myself, and I don't feel like I'm doing the "grownup back in their parent's house thing). Depending on the amount you can afford in your name, it's something to consider as an addition to an existing house, and what you can afford. A realtor would help a great deal in this case, and you may qualify for tax breaks for creating a home with your parents in mind. (Going back to talking to someone about it).

3. AL / vs . pooling our resources: your mother and stepfather may benefit from having a caregiver come into the home; that's also something to consider and there are a lot of options available. I'm going to assume assisted living (AL) is not high on something they wish to do, but they have some very nice places. I'd look into those with them and see if that's something they'd consider as well. Pooling our resources was a better option for us; my parents are "able bodied" but their lifestyle never really destroyed my social life. I control my social life; and I'm sure you control yours as well. Because the mortgage would be in your name and what you can afford, you have the advantage of being responsible for "what happens" in a home with your name on it. Since it sounds like you're considering their request, you shouldn't consider what could happen as an adult. Your "teenage" residue of life prior to living on your own doesn't apply in this new family space: it doesn't in my home and it won't matter in yours. I think if your mother and stepfather have gone so far to ask you, they're aware of the situation they are placing themselves in, so there's no reason to fear what that could mean for you.

Kudos to you for even being open to discuss it and if you have a healthy relationship with your parents (who may or may not be demanding- only you know that), then all the better for you, and more admiration for you, because it's easy to not to consider the request than to give it any thought.

I hope you will keep us notified on what you've chosen to do.

You are about to embark on the most challenging part of your life. As the caregiver of an 83 year old spouse with progressing dementia, I have spent so many sleepless nights and tearful hours. But-there is help. We are in the same financial situation as your parents and there is no child who can afford tomshare our small home or to live with us as a caregiver. My best advice for you is to immediately begin to explore non-profit senior and dementia care services in your area. There are many resources that have excellent programs to help with free respite care, counseling for you and legal advice for planning for the future. There are help lines that are available 24/7, and can help with preparing your new home with safety measures. You will need to prepare papers giving you Powers of Attorney with specific wording as to when to invoke, as well as having, if you have not already done so, the difficult instructions regarding medical POAs. The big thing is to simplify everything that you can, and I find it helpful to keep a special calendar like a teacher's planner where I keep notes on any changes in meds, behaviors, all appointments, all medical information, phone numbers, support group information and menu planning. Make a list of favorite foods and use them often-again, keep it simple. I hope this helps and I applaud you.

Are you expected to care for them or just "live with them"? Even if the expectation is only that you're in the house as security -- for example, in case one of them falls, has a health episode, etc., there is an able-bodied adult who can help -- I would worry that the situation would quickly grow into one where you become a full-time caregiver.

Years ago, I moved back home with my folks when there was a lot going on in their lives, including my dad's health issues. My dad was about 70, and my mom several years younger. I believe that they actually lost some of their independence because I was around to do things for them.

Elder Attorney.

Good that the home will only be in your name - but for all the legal aspects, Elder Attorney. Sometimes you can get advice for free.

P.S.  Good Luck to you!  I have my hands full taking care of one.

You've gotten a lot of good advice about the long-rerm risks, which you may not had thought of yet, since your parents needs now are financial.  
THE BEST advice for you now is see an Elder Law attorney.
I also would not move parents in with me, but you absolutely shouldn't do it without finding out the financial ramifications.
I also notice that your mom's spouse is your step-dad.  Have you considered how you would feel about providing a home and caring for him by yourself if she passes first? Would you kick him out then? 

Do not do this to yourself.

I brought my parents into my house three months ago. I did it for many reasons. Because they have reached their late eighties, both have several health issues, (mother has cáncer and father has moderate dementia and heart disease). And they had several financial problems. They just could not live alone anymore. And it has been so difficult, considering I´m married and have teenagers at home. I had to quit my job, and give them all my time because they had so many requirements. I´m an only child and have no ones help. All I can do is hire a caregiver to have some help at home, but the truth is I feel depressed now, isolated, with a huge responsability over my head, I lost the life I had with my family and friends, my freedom, I feel scared all the time because bad things happen to elders. I loose my mind trying to accept that they forget everything everyday and that they will repeat everything they say many times a day. I love them but helping them is making me sick and sad. I hope you take your desitions thinking that your life matters too.

Really plan for everything make sure you have a very strong support group behind you find time for yourself I take care of my 100th grandma and don’t have a good support behind me I will pray that everything goes well for you Blessings

I offered some advice before, but I have been reading the many other answers and frankly, I am shocked at most of them. These two parents have income, (just like me), and they are just finding themselves in a financial crunch now and with health issues, ( just like me), but all most of you are looking at is that they may not be able to help buy the new house. You don't know that, and even so, their combined social security may be able to pay more than the "bit" most of you talk about. And getting them put away already is cruel and selfish at best. Qualifying for Medicaid is no walk in the park. Perhaps if she can just start the process and see it thru for a bit, it would give them all a bit of financial relief as they would be sharing expenses such as utilities. As I said in my previous answer, there are resources that help with the costs of respite care and she did not say that they need 24/7 care. These people deserve a break, and our nation needs to step up in terms of caring for our elderly folks, (like me who is a full time caregiver for my husband). Other decisions can be made when the time comes.

Is selling their townhome and moving into an apartment near you an option?

Oh, my! This is going to be a challenging situation that really isn't your responsibility. You should really think long and hard about your decision making.

this is a test, sorry

and of course that worked where my answer I'd worked so hard on didn't

2nd Timothy,
it sounds like you don't have your own family, like the impression we're getting re love17, but if you did, I'd be very careful as to how you come across that they should also do what her parents are wanting her to do; and, also, her mother is not a widow

I want to know why so many of you are so quick to make assumptions that because these parents are financially in dire straits, that it is all their fault. "They made bad choices". So many folks were made nearly destitute back during the whole subprime mortgage era, lost their homes and their jobs, then their savings. Perhaps, due to the need to care for family and then spouse, it is not possible to continue working because spouse cannot be left alone and the cost of paid respite care is twice what you could make, and very few employers will hire anyone over sixty-five anyway.  Perhaps one spouse has had serious medical issues like, say, breast cancer and heart issues and perhaps they have both worked all their lives, investing to save, only to have their savings wiped out in the same recession, and oh, perhaps they had three children in college at the same time who needed help. Bad choices? Don't deserve help? And where were they when you were a helpless child? Were you simply put in a home so that "your life can be yours", with no demands on your time? I am shocked at the lack of compassion shown here by readers. Yes there are circumstances when the best thing is to find the best possible place for aging parents, and though I am a caregiver and in the same "did not plan" situation, I tried very hard. My final arrangements are paid for, but after helping grown children who needed financial help, I am frightened about my own future and that of my spouse. We would never want to be a burden and I genuinely hope my life ends soon, especially when I read some of your posts. Shame on you.

johndbarry34 - I think people jump to the "did not plan" assumption because that's the situation many of us are in. Like me. My mother retired at 58 and had to spend her parents' inheritance to muddle through until her SS kicked in. There was no need in her case - she was just sick of working and wanted to be free to enjoy herself. Very well. Now she's 86 and her income is not covering her expenses, especially the much more extensive medical expenses she has now. She needs home care or assisted living but can't pay for it. ALL HER FAULT. My life is taken up providing things (including a down payment on a home) that she could have provided herself if she'd worked a few more years.

You can't compare supporting children with supporting elderly parents. We came out helpless. They had a working lifetime to figure out what to do when they became helpless.

All of us have compassion, I think. But it takes a lot more than compassion to take care of failing elders. It takes grueling sacrifice, often over an unsustainably long period of time. We understand that the OP may have great compassion for her parents. But we are trying to stop her from taking actions that might rope her into that grueling sacrifice in a way that may be impossible to unwind. We all start out with deep compassion for our parents. But the degree of sacrifice that is required is often more than we could possibly sustain, and it's important that the OP knows that before committing herself to something she may not be able to undo.

Hi,

Please heed all of the advice above. Especially the elder lawyer. You cannot afford to fall into a unforeseen trap. Get good info up front.

All I have to say, to quote Linda, is that this is LONG! And SLOW! The tedium is stultifying. And when you really do get to the point of hands-on care, how old will you be? 65? 70?

I am 67 and have been caring for a sick husband for seven years. Now, he needs real hands-on care (I will spare you the details of intravenous meds and wound care) and more: he now needs help to take a shower and just called me UPSTAIRS) to make the bed so that he can go back to sleep--it is 8:46 a.m.

This is tedious, tough stuff.

Good luck. Be smart. Go to the lawyer.