Two years ago my husband was officially diagnosed with diabetes, early Alzheimers and was given meds for both. He had been fired from his last job as a corporate attorney for lack of performance. He was a highly recognized business attorney and very high achiever. I have always been attracted to highly intelligent men who possess a great sense of humor. He was tops and so calm, kind and capable. We both worked, raised three adopted children together and were very close. He has been my best friend for 51 years. We both tend to be introverts preferring to be together working on projects, traveling and gardening. I have gone through the last two years with elevated blood pressure, taking over every responsibility we used to share and having very little to talk to him about. His short term memory is completely gone. He sits in front of the TV every night reading book after book. He can't talk about the books anymore. I think it is his escape. It leaves me with no one to talk to at night. My sister and two of our kids are supportive but do not live close by. I also lost my BFF mother at 99 and younger brother this year.I feel so lonely and realized that somehow I need to establish new relationships but feel as though my husband and I have spent so much time together that to do so is an enigma. I need to find a way to extricate myself from spending all my time with him. We have been invited to a neighbor's birthday party and I want to go by myself. He shadows me at social events and has difficulty making meaningful conversation. I told him that I want to go alone and he said it's okay but I feel guilty. In 52 years I have never done this. He can't join in discussions much. He's pleasant but I don't want to have him following me with nothing to say. I have not told many people about his condition. I am feeling that I must separate and find meaningful relationships or go mad. I don't know how to extricate myself and find a social outlet. We are not church goers and our children are living in other cities. I feel guilty for feeling this way and paralyzed. I need to physically separate because I feel totally alone.
Now that doesn't mean that you have to be with 24/7, nor does it mean that you have to keep him in your home as he progresses. It just means that you need to let him know that you're going to be there for him through it all, whether it be at home or in a facility.
And in the meantime you definitely need to find a healthy outlet where you can get out and do some things that you enjoy whether it's going to the gym, taking up a new craft, joining a book club, or whatever floats your boat.
And if you need to hire someone to come stay with your husband while you get out, then so be it. It will be worth every penny for you. You must not forget that you matter too in this equation, not just your husband.
I would also recommend finding a good in-person caregiver support group in your area that meets weekly or bi-weekly, as there is nothing better than being able to share with others that know exactly what you're going though and don't judge you when you share that you lost your temper with your spouse or loved one as they've all done it as well.
My caregiver support group literally saved my life when I was caring for my now late husband, as I was at my wits end and didn't know where to turn. I just Googled local caregiver support groups in my area to find mine. Hopefully you will be fortunate and find one close to you too.
I am here to tell you that your husband still loves you, that you are stronger than you know and that this too shall pass, and that you will come out of it a much stronger, compassionate and empathetic person when it's all said and done.
Will it be a long and bumpy ride? Most definitely, so hang on tight and know that you're not alone.
May God bless you and keep as you travel this very difficult road with your husband.
The other thing I wanted to mention is to not be embarrassed by DHs memory issues or his condition. It will come out at some point. That's okay. As we age, all sorts of things happen to us we weren't expecting. People have awesome compassion for those of us who aren't whole anymore, I see it myself frequently when I DO go out. I use a cane when I wobble around and folks go out of their way to help me. The people who don't like what's happened to DH have no place in your lives anyway.
Wishing you the best of luck with all of this.
Guilt requires RESPONSIBILTY and CAUSATION.
You didn't cause this.
You can't fix this.
The other G-word you need now to use is GRIEF because that is what this is about. It is a living death, and it is WORSE than death imho because it prevents your moving on with a busy active life.
Nevertheless, that is what you now must do.
As far as discussing this with hubby, why would you add that pain to the torment that he already has? No. It is now that you are not going to a party with his friends and WITHOUT him. It is that you and a few girlfriends are going out together to have fun girl talk and a few drinks. You will cab home. And he has care while you are gone.
I am thankful he can read still but that will soon go. When things are gone then he should be in care because the cultures where wives must throw themselves bodily on burn funeral pyres is now outdated. It is a slow burn. You are a human and not a Saint and it is a kind of hubris to think you can be.
You are going to have to compartmentalize. Please seek the help of a GOOD cognitive therapist or a Licensed Social Worker in private practice specializing in life transitions. Because that is where you so sadly have landed.
You have been lucky. You have years together. Now that is different and changed. You are still there for him but need to learn to do it differently.
I am so sorry. That's the tough tough truth. And a New Year coming in which to put into practice how your life must change now. I am an atheist but if you are at all a believer I would join the best faith based community you can find. I would join Senior Centers, I would volunteer, I would hike if I could walk. My SIL at 71 is an avid hiker; something he does alone because my daughter who joins him in other things doesn't in that and hasn't the back and hips for it left.
Things change. We have to change with them. And making yourself a Martyr to it or pretending you are responsible for it and should feel guilty can't help either of you. Think on how good life is that you found a wonderful man and shared so much with him. Do him the honor of carrying on as well as you are able.
My heart goes out to you. I am so very sorry. But you have a right to a life, your own hobbies, whatever you enjoy.
I so wish you the very best. AT BEST these things happen. My beloved partner and I cannot even eat the same things at the same hours any more let alone he doesn't share my true crime obsession and I am not only not a news junkie, I refuse to DO news for 6 or so years now. Sometimes we pass as ships in the night, but we are shipping in the same lanes and have one another's back (or stern as one might say).