My father has been declining in recent months. Diagnosed with lung cancer that spread to his brain almost 11 years ago. He has had health problems on and off but in August he wasn't able to walk anymore. He had a bleed on the brain, when they fixed it, he has two small strokes and hasn't been the same since. He is unable to walk without assistance and is in a wheelchair. In recent weeks, he keeps telling me he wants to go home, doesn't like living here and is confused. He is home, in the same home he has been for the past 40 plus years. My mother and I have been caring for him. My sister and her family moved in with us to help and it is becoming hard to bear. We cannot leave him alone now for fear he is going to get hurt trying to get up by himself. He keeps saying he wants to go home. I don't know how to handle this. He was in a rehab facility after the surgery but left the facility worse than when he arrived. We are now 4 months in trying to rehab him but he doesn't seem to be improving. I don't know how much longer we can keep this up. How do you know when it is time to move them to a nursing home? My grandfather had dementia and we are recognizing the same behaviors now in my father and it is heartbreaking. I want him to be home as long as possible but our lives have diminished to nothing. That sounds selfish and I hate myself for it. But he doesn't even know me or the house anymore. I just feel so upset and sad about everything.
I think it is time to look into a nursing facility.
My only advice is to not beat yourself up. If it is too hard to bear it is okay to get the help. That is what people keep telling me. I'm sorry you are struggling. It is so very hard to watch our fathers not be the dads they once were. It is crushing me, so I know your pain. Think about what your dad would want for you.
Ps I agree about Robert.. he seems to enjoy preying upon peoples fears and struggles with his own twisted agenda and a captive audience.
I would research facilities first and then decide whether or not you want to place him. Since your mother is still married to him, whatever happens will affect her financially as well as emotionally.
When you research facilities, also ask whether they provide in-home care. In my state, many do, which can help provide a transition from in-home care to managed care at a later time. Because you are familiar with the company, if you decide to place him, the transition for you and your Mom will be easier.
You are not being selfish. You owe it to yourself to have a say in your future. There is not much press about how the family is affected by strokes. Having the stroke is the easy part; life after the stroke is very, very hard for everyone involved.
Also, I would see if you can get a 2nd opinion on his prognosis. It is possible that the stroke has done enough damage to cause dementia like behavior. Also, he could have had more strokes since the original ones, and you just didn't know.
Start planning for the future by knowing your options.
I am truly sorry for the tragedy that you have experienced in your life. Everyone has their own stories to share.
We can learn from each other. Try to hear what others are saying. Everyone has a right to feel as they do. No one is brainwashed. These are our experiences. Please respect them.
Please don’t be bitter. It will only chase others away and you will gain nothing but misery feeling alone in your sorrow.
Go ahead and express your pain if you like. We all need a shoulder to lean on sometimes, but could you please try to be more tolerant of others opinions.
I wish you well in your journey.
Years ago, my mother's elderly sister (90) was sick and in the nursing home. She had been through pneumonia and was very unwell. My mother was visiting her and her sister's mind was still good. She told my mom, "I want to go home. I'm ready to go home."
My mother said "You need to eat and try to get stronger and hopefully we will get you back home." Her sister said "NO! I'm ready to go home to my heavenly father."
She died 2 days later.
There is a book called "Final Gifts." It is very eye-opening about things people say when they are in their final days.
If it were my father, with all you described, I'd have him evaluated for hospice care. And if he qualified for it, I'd put him on that path.
Too often, we keep dragging our loved ones to doctors and rehabs, over and over, because WE are not ready to be sad. I get it. Losing a parent hurts. I just lost my father-in-law.
They get so tired. I've heard many a nurse tell of having an elderly patient who just wants to STOP it all, but keeps having tests and medical procedures because their family wants them to.
I absolutely love what you wrote! My mother wanted to join my father in the afterlife. She was so very tired of suffering in this world.
Your post is spot on!
It is up to you / your spouse / family to decide and this is emotionally and psychologically difficult.
However, you have already drained yourself / your family.
It is a matter of how much more you choose to be exhausted, drained, overwhelmed. Only you can make this decision.
Yes, he will feel / be fearful. Do not let this deter you from doing what you know you need to do. This isn't a 'guilt' thing / it is doing what is in his best interest, which is also in your best interest for him.
Yes. You feel sad. This is a very sad situation. Still, you need to feel through it all and do what you need to do - for all concerned.
I send you a hug. I know this is very difficult. Gena
If he no longer recognizes any of you, a move to a NH type facility may not be a big change for him. However, there may be just enough spark left that he still is aware of his current surroundings and moving him could create a faster decline. Then there is your mom and how she might feel about moving him.
It is heartbreaking to hear someone say they want to go home when they're at home, so deflect.....ok we can go home when you get a little stronger. Getting you (the caregivers) some help may recharge everyone's batteries.
it will be hard emotionally if you do or don’t. But you can’t hurt yourselves emotionally trying to do what is beyond your ability. You tried. You cared