My 83 yr old dad lives with me & my husband. My husband is highly annoyed & constantly complains about him. I'm stuck in the middle. I love my dad and offered him a home since my mom passed. My husband of only 3 years is angry all the time coz we never lived alone as husband & wife because either his son or my dad lived with us. My husband says that my dad is very different than him...selfish & only thinks about money. My husband would do anything for anyone...but now I am being treated with resentment because I'm stuck in the middle of being a caring daughter and a supportive wife. Help me, please!
It is very challenging and stressful. My husband cooks and serves all the meals for my Mother (although she eats nothing) - she will have episodes where she tells him to get out of her house and screams and curses and really treats him terribly. Then the next day she has no memory of this. We spend days feeling physically sick after these episodes. During the last one we decided that we are no longer going to react - hard yes, but it seems to be working.
You do need to find somewhere to be on your own and have couple time. We have a rec room in the basement that we escape to every night - it works. We go out on walks, we go into the car and just sit and talk. We go out for takeout (COVID experience), we go for a drive - anything that gives us private couple time. It is working for now. I don't know all the answers but I do know that it is crucial to find harmony and peace with your partner in order to be able to deal with all the stress of lucking after a parent like this. I wish you all the best.
Please consider counselling as a couple. A professional can be an impartial helper to navigate this phase of life into something that is more satisfying for everybody involved. Also consider getting others to help your dad: family, friends, people from your faith community, and/or paid help. Use the time when others care for dad to do things together as a couple and nurture your marriage relationship.
There is a BIG difference between having a child living with you and a parent. Your husband had responsibilities toward his son. He may have felt he owed it to you to let your father move in. But things change. Perhaps your husband is recognizing that living with an adult parent is radically different than living with a child.
Your marriage comes first. Your husband is making it clear to you that he no longer wants your dad living with him. *You* aren't caught in the middle - your husband is caught between you and your dad.
Your marriage is too young to survive this level of stress. The stress of having no end in sight to your father living there is clearly weighing heavily on your husband. One of the men in your life will move out. You are the one who has the power to determine who that will be.
You married your husband and he now comes first.
Are there Adult Day Care centers open where you are? Or the local Senior Center? Either might be enough to keep dad occupied.
If your dad is able to care for himself a place of his own would be ideal. If he needs a bit of help Assisted Living is an option.
With your incomes and your dad's is there a way a house with an "In-Law suite" would be an option. That way you can be close enough to help but have your own place. (and if it is allowed might be good for income later as a rental.
But your first priority is to your husband. If dad is requiring more care and you are placing your dad first you should look at other options. Would getting help in several days a week help? (paid for by dad of course)
You and your husband need a bit of time for yourselves.
I suggest as you sort all this out that your Holiday gift to him would be a long weekend at a nice hotel. Book it as a Honeymoon. Schedule things that you normally would not do, massages, a fancy dinner.
And in the future IF any other relative wants to move in you have to both agree AND limit it to a short enough time 6 months maybe then review the situation.
My mom has lived with my husband and I since 2014. She has moderate dementia which was diagnosed the year after she moved in. We also have my 26 year old son living with us; he's got severe anxiety issues. We have had either my son and mom, mom, and now both living with us now for years. My husband is depressed, and angry, and I do all of the caregiving with mom. She's on several lists for senior apartments, and we looked into assisted living and found that even the least expensive place is $2200. per month for a shared room. Nursing homes are really expensive too, and mom makes just enough from SS to be ineligible for medicaid.
We are truly stuck. I love mom, but wish we could find a place for her. She's not able to be totally on her own and would need a visiting nurse if she went into an apartment. It seems there really isn't any place for her.
Second, make it as fun as you can. Seek out the alternative settings. Research them with him. As much as possible, make the decisions his. Talk about the pros and cons. If possible, visit those sites and discuss the results. Look at costs. If he's the cheapskate you say he is, even if he won't discuss it, compare the relative values and costs. Good value, cheapest.
Third. Talk about what he will take with him, how often he hopes you will be there, how far away versus how much you will be able to do. Get it out there and have your husband be part of the discussions, so he can see that active steps are happening, and delays make sense.
If it turns out that living with you is really the only viable situation, let your husband make that decision.
My mother lives with us (99), somewhat deaf, blind, short-term memory loss. She's a handful, not grateful, never at fault, and my wife ends up with the lion's share of the work, as (let's face it) most of the work falls to the woman. Mom is not comfortable with me helping her shower or dress, for instance, and I'm grateful for my wife's help. Hard as it is, we try to find time and space for ourselves. But this pandemic is a hard time for all of us, and we look forward to the time we can resume our normal lives, whenever that is.
the year I married my mother went to FL for 10 years to be a caregiver until my grandparents passed. She then arrived on my doorstep.
so far she has lived under my roof 30 years. I only had 10 years of freedom without her. But during her stay in FL she got 2 weeks of vacation while her siblings attended their parents, So where did she vacation, my house. So I have been living with my mother 53 years+.
Now the past 4 years she is totally totally dependent on me, feed diaper dress, everything even what I don’t want to mention. Let me just say my husband is a very very patient man, more than I am.
You never realize what will be your future, I’m sure if we knew we would of made other arrangements knowing the outcome.
You don’t give much information about the overall situation, but it sounds like your marriage might be on shaky ground. Is your husband angry about space, personality, money, or what? Does your dad need a lot of care? It’s time for you to sit down with your husband and discuss some solutions. And you’re not stuck in the middle. You put yourself in the middle.
Maybe it will help to see it from the in-law side.
Please help. My MIL moved in, I've had enough. My husband asked me to join a support group. I will be sharing responses with him. Advice?
I'm very interested
You might ask him about living in his own Senior Apartment and he might like that idea where he can be around others his age and make new friends.
If your Dad is going to continue living with you, you and your husband deffiently need one night a week to be alone.
Only 3 yrs into a marriage isn't long and you actually might end up divorced.
You should think about making other arrangements for your father.
Until you find a nice place for your dad, you should at least find a place for him on weekends, giving you and your husband weekends together to be alone from Friday afternoon thru Sunday evening.
Good luck making the decision that's right for your future!
All the best
Husband and I live with my father. My dad says things that upset my husband. My dad is depressed, and misery loves company.
I feel bad, like you, trapped in the middle. Wondering what to do.
I know that hubby should come first. And feel bad keeping us in this toxic environment. That's why I decided to make a plan with hubby that we move and have a caregiver help dad.
The challenge is to influence dad to pay a caregiver. He doesn't like spending. But that's what he needs to do to have the care he needs.
He's isn't going to do it with me here, I need to move so he sees the need. If he asks why I'm moving, I'll tell him I got a job and need to move.
Maybe this can help you too.
I wish you all the best
Ps, if it's your house, your dad moves