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One DOES feel terrible for a good long time, and that's primarily because, as a loving family member, you feel that you are somehow responsible for what is happening.' You aren't. And you can't fix it.
To throw away your own life by jumping on the funeral pyre of a parent will NOT help that parent, will not lead to better care or any relief of the sad facts, and will waste your own life.
Be honest with your parent. Tell him/her that you are too limited to be able to live with them as a caregiver. That you will visit and will always love them, but that you are UNWILLING and unable to take them into your home.
Your parent is grieving. You cannot fix that and this is WORTH grieving. Grieve along with your parent but be certain not to assume the mantle of guilt. You are not a Saint. You are not God. This isn't the first time your parent, who has lived a long life, has sustained unhappiness. You didn't cause it. You can't fix it.
The end of life is about losses. I am 81, and I assure you that is the case. This is the normal sad progression in life. No normal, healthy, decent parent would wish their child sacrifice their own lives with decades of service they are not equipped for and cannot handle alone. Get psychological counseling if you need it, but do not attempt a "fix" on what cannot be fixed.
Thank you for your responses. They will help me every time I think about taking my mom to live with us.I know she will be unhappy wherever she lives, bc life is not what it used to be. A big problem is that she doesn't go to activities or socialize with the other residents.Many days she eats in her room too.She is still very sharp, but very lonely ,negative and depressed.We have set her up with a socisl worker but she thinks it is a waste.
wanted a sitter to help with jobs or whatever she wanted to do? No.
wanted me to send my housekeeper over there once a week or once a month? No.
For me to pick her up and take her to the gym with me so she could walk on the indoor track while I worked out with my trainer? No.
For me to take her to the casino and we could do the buffet for lunch? No
For me to come over and we could take a walk in her neighborhood? No.
She is difficult and unhappy and apparently likes it there because she doesn’t want to leave that state of mind. There is nothing I can do to improve her situation.
She called me one day in tears saying she was lonely and unhappy and I simply responded that we are doing what she wanted and asked for, which is nothing. She didn’t know how to reply.
She grew up around her cousins and family where everyone was always home and people dropped in for coffee cake. Etc. I think that is what she longs for, this sense of family and community. What she got as an only child is my husband who is an only child and who is crazy busy in his career as a MD and who works easily 75 hours a week. She has two cousins left and they live hours away, and one didn’t have children and the other has one child. They are both depressed and disgusted.
I have my own health issues and my kids don’t live here and the one who does works full time.
A few days after she called crying, I called and asked her if she wanted to run errands with me or do something and she replied no. She also has her days and nights mixed up, so sometimes she doesn’t wake up until 2 in the afternoon. I can’t drive at night and I go to bed early.
They are just unhappy and there is nothing we can to do change it. My MIL is also urine incontinent and I’m sure that is a giant PITA to deal with.
Truthfully, she has the right to be disgusted.
I also hope I’m not this unhappy if I make it to 85. It’s just sad.
I'm sorry for what you're enduring. Many have been in your shoes.
Her brain is broken. Keep reminding yourself that dementia robs people of reason, logic and empathy for others. She is only able to think about herself and not the impact it would have if she moved in with you. You will need to redirect, distract, ignore or walk out (or hand up) when this topic comes up. There's no point in discussing it since it distresses the both of you.
I'm not sure what a social is going to do for her. Is she on meds for depression? If not, why not? My Mom just started the lowest dose of Lexapro and it has helped her a lot.
Talk to the admins and staff about encouraging her to come out of her room and joining in. But there's only so much they can do and spend time on. My MIL did that in AL. Eventually she wouldn't get out of bed. Then she became bedridden and now she's in LTC. Funny thing, her memory loss caused her to forget that she refused to go to activities (and we spent a LOT of energy trying to get her to participate). The staff (in a differnt facility) also did a great job of getting her out. Now she she jokes with the staff, goes to activities, eats with the others. It took several years for this to happen, plus she's in an awesome place. And she's on meds.
How long has your Mom been in the AL? How old is she?
Since you say Mom is "still very sharp" that makes me think that there is no Dementia involved.
How old is Mom? Why the need of an AL? Does she have an illness where living on her own was not possible?
Are you paying this SW? What is she/he suppose to be doing for Mom? Really, its up to the Activities director to try and get Mom involved in activities. No they can't force her but they should be trying. Some ALs require residents to eat in the dining room and charge to have it delivered to the room.
"I know she will be unhappy wherever she lives, bc life is not what it used to be." This is what you need to tell her. First, u have reasons why you know Mom living with u is not a good thing. You don't need to tell her what those things are just say "Mom, living with me is not doable for so many reasons. I really don't think you would be happy anywhere you lived because your life is not what it used to be and sorry it never will be. I cannot make u happy. Thats up to you. You have the ability to join in activities, enjoy the entertainment, go down to dinner and sit with others instead of being in your room alone. Make friends. I cannot be all these things for you. You need to do it yourself."
Speak with the social worker and the activity director about trying to get her to eat in the dining room and engage in activities. It is very common for some to isolate themselves even when they say they are lonely. You can bring her the activity calendar and decide what 1 activity she will try to do each day. It's so hard to leave your home and move, but she is able to make her own decisions about attending activities. Many residents tell me they are so lonely and their family doesn't care, when I see their families visiting them Every weekend. They just want life back to a better time. Getting old is difficult.
Since you say mom is STILL very sharp, it leads me to think mom does have some dementia but is still functional. This is why filling out your profile is useful; so we're not guessing about anything.
Mom may be depressed and in need of antidepressants. My mother did very well will Wellbutrin for 7 years, which kept her OUT of her apartment and engaged with others socially. It also helped that her AL charged $6 for meal deliveries to the residents. She ate in the dining room daily as a result.
We all "want" things that we cannot have. Coming to live with you sounds like utopia to mom but is something else in reality. A boring lifestyle for her, and no privacy again for you. I would tell my mother that it was not possible for her to come live with me because her medical issues were more than I was capable of handling. To which she'd argue that she HAD no medical conditions. Rinse and repeat.
Oh it is sooooo hard to hear that! Been there, heard it, hate it! However, we need to be the parent now and what is best! Talk to one of the admins and see if you can get her a job. Something that makes her feel useful. Like watering the plants, distributing/collecting the game cards, helping Mrs. Smith to the dining area. I did this with my daddy and he looked forward to getting out of his room daily - because "they needed him". Prayers for you and your situation.
When my mom asks why she can't go home with me, it kills me... I tell her it is not safe for her to be alone in a house and I remind her I still work and I am not home 10-12 hrs a day with commute, which is true.
I wish I could write a better end to my moms story, but I can't. If I had lots and lots of money so that i could quite my job, I would bring her home, build on a small apartment suite and hire 24/7 help to come in and care for all of her needs. I would install one of those walk in tubs so that she could take a nice warm bath which she hasn't had in years. I would watch a show with her before bed, I would sit in the yard with her and watch the birds and look at the flowers while we at breakfast, I would be able to spend more time with her unhurried and not stressed. People say money doesn't buy you happiness and it doesn't, but it sure can fix a lot of things...and it would sure allow me to make my moms last years on this earth more tolerable.
And what if that wasn't enough. Her safety and wellness is what's important. Try to except that you've done all you can. Pray 🙏 For peace of mind, heart, it's okay 👍
I have very close the same situation, the difference being, my 95 yr old Mom wants to go back to HER home. I have MS, so I cannot help her in my home. She is in a lovely AL, but rarely leaves her room and has no desire to make friends or be involved in activities. Every time my brother or I go to visit ( which is now once a week) we never know what to expect. Most days she's very angry although she does have some days she's more subdued and even smile. BUT she brings up at every visit she wants to go home.
I have come to learn from all these wonderful people in here, to shorten my visits, change the subject, I never argue back with her, I just listen and try to offer comfort and speak of positive things. IF none of that works and I see her getting even more upset, I just tell her I love her and I need to get back home but will be back again to visit her soon. Period.
As others have mentioned, it is hard to watch them decline and I used to fell so guilty about having to place her there, but I know it's for the best and her safety. Prior to her going she averaged 5 falls a month and many ER trips. She's not had one ER trip or fall since being there.
I hope you feel some peace soon, we all know and have experienced this on some level. Hugs
Does she have enough of her personal belongings? She seems uncomfortable and expects you to be her savior (take me home)and you know you can't. She doesn't want to socialize, so don't expect her to. I tried, it doesn't work. As far as a social worker, she doesn't want one, don't. Maybe she will accept one later? I would take mom out to her favorite place (casino) and let her go! She loved the trip and the interaction of the lights and sounds. I'd bring her favorite foods once a week and sit down and eat with her. Just some more family interaction might be what she needs? Can she have a pet? A bird or cat to care for? Mom had a cat even in MC as long as I took care of it, litter box every other day, food for two days,water dispenser. If a pet is allowed, that's the companionship she needs! Shelter pets are usually up to date with shots,spayed or neutered,so the facility will accept it and you can take mom out to find one. They might be a little expensive there but so is getting shots and fixed and declawed! I've owned cats for 40yrs and as long as they stayed indoors, vet trips weren't necessary. I'm single and I would go nuts without mine.
Sometimes we have to admit a person is their happiest when unhappy. My brother has said that about our mom for 20 years {she is 90}…he is right. Some elderly would still complain even if living in your home with everything they think they want. Getting old is tough. So many losses and possibly believing life had been better than it actually had been. Have staff encourage her and let it be. We did..mom eventually gave up and went to activities.
Remind yourself that you are not responsible for the fact that your parent gets old. You can not fix old . Accept that age is what is ailing your parent and unhappiness is a symptom .
I would answer I am sorry, but I am afraid that it would not work. You have the care you need where you are and that is important to you and me. I love you too much to risk me not being able to meet your needs. If you would really get sick or fall or something I may not be there when you need me.
It takes more love to say no than to give in and risk you both being miserable. What would happen if you would be running errands and something happened to them at home? If you would want to go out with your spouse or friends would you be free to, without a guilt trip?
A friend of mine's Mother was living alone. For years kept up a compaign of "I am unhappy. Let me come & live with you".
He worked fulltime. He had stairs. Wife said no. So many reasons he could not. Suffered from guilt but just could not house her.
Had a sibling that reportedly had the funds to build an apartment suite for Mother, but didn't. Saw this as futile. The Mother was not asking for an apartment suite, a smaller space she could be independant in. She was directly asking to be 'taken home & be looked after'. Wanted company with her all day. Family tried getting home help but she didn't want home help people for company or assist with chores. Wanted meals cooked & to be served. So family though AL may be a better fit. But she didn't want to be cooked for & served by the staff in AL. Wanted to be housed, cooked for served only by her adult children.
When she was taken to her son's home for a family home-cooked meal, instead of being joyful she complained about not living there even more. Tears & tantrums when leaving each time.
Family took her to eat out in nice resturants for special occasions. Instead of enjoying herself, she complained about the price.
It took much time for my friend to see he could not make his Mother happy. Her feelings were up to her. She choose to be unhappy afresh every day until she died. Very sad.
Myself, I try to find 3 things I am grateful for everyday. (Even if they are very small things). I find this helps me a lot. There are many small joy spots in our day when we build up our skill to see them. Feeling cozy in bed on a cold morning, that first sip of coffee, wearing a favorite item of clothing.
As Nancy Reagan used to say "Just say no." The issue isn't what to say, the issue is you learning why you feel terrible 'all the time' and how to handle it.
Making decisions are hard and often do not 'feel good.' You likely are in overwhelm - which would account for some of how you feel.
Take a step at a time. Examine your feelings. Understand them so you can process through them to make needed decisions.
Often, It is a given that a relative would rather live with a parent than be in AL. It requires you to BELIEVE they are getting the BEST care they can where they are - for you to feel better about your decisions.
These are not easy decisions or feelings to deal with. They are hard. You need to think of yourself - first.
You do the best you can and then you let go (and Let God / or some other spiritual entity). And, deal with your guilt / 'terrible feelings.' If you do not deal with how you feel, your well being will be (severely) compromised. Learn self-compassion. Likely, the most compassion decision you can make is to leave your parent in AL and visit / take care of them as best you can. You need this separation.
You do not say how long they have been in AL. It takes time to adjust. Enlist friends and volunteers to visit.
Lisa, I recommend that you go visit and participate in activities with mom. Bring treats, homemade anything is always a big hit, greet others and introduce mom and start the conversations, this helped my dad get to know his new housemates and for others to get to know him and each other.
This is a lot of change, getting old and feeble is hard and scary, then you move in with a facility full of strangers. A little hand holding is in order and really beneficial in my experience.
I would also give free hair cuts on the patio every 4 to 6 weeks, this was always a good time for everyone involved. I recommend giving of yourself, whatever skills you possess, to help get mom acclimated and the added benefits for me were that I didn't have to be alone with an angry, ugly, upset dad. He behaved better when others were around. I am not a trained beautician, I did clarify that for everyone and did the best I could, it was the human touch, kindness and normalcy of hanging out chatting in the barber shop that everyone responded well to and over time my skills improved. My point is, engaging others helps your loved one get to know their new neighbors, my dad was popular because of the things I did for him and his new friends. May you have the same end result with your mom.
God bless you, placing a parent is soooooo very hard but, helping them settle helps.
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You aren't.
And you can't fix it.
To throw away your own life by jumping on the funeral pyre of a parent will NOT help that parent, will not lead to better care or any relief of the sad facts, and will waste your own life.
Be honest with your parent. Tell him/her that you are too limited to be able to live with them as a caregiver. That you will visit and will always love them, but that you are UNWILLING and unable to take them into your home.
Your parent is grieving. You cannot fix that and this is WORTH grieving.
Grieve along with your parent but be certain not to assume the mantle of guilt. You are not a Saint. You are not God. This isn't the first time your parent, who has lived a long life, has sustained unhappiness. You didn't cause it. You can't fix it.
The end of life is about losses. I am 81, and I assure you that is the case.
This is the normal sad progression in life. No normal, healthy, decent parent would wish their child sacrifice their own lives with decades of service they are not equipped for and cannot handle alone.
Get psychological counseling if you need it, but do not attempt a "fix" on what cannot be fixed.
Please don’t consider turning your life upside down for them.
What exactly are they doing? Are they asking you over and over again to move in?
Do they have dementia?
Wishing you peace.
I would ask if she:
wanted to go out to lunch? She replied no.
wanted a sitter to help with jobs or whatever she wanted to do? No.
wanted me to send my housekeeper over there once a week or once a month? No.
For me to pick her up and take her to the gym with me so she could walk on the indoor track while I worked out with my trainer? No.
For me to take her to the casino and we could do the buffet for lunch? No
For me to come over and we could take a walk in her neighborhood? No.
She is difficult and unhappy and apparently likes it there because she doesn’t want to leave that state of mind. There is nothing I can do to improve her situation.
She called me one day in tears saying she was lonely and unhappy and I simply responded that we are doing what she wanted and asked for, which is nothing. She didn’t know how to reply.
She grew up around her cousins and family where everyone was always home and people dropped in for coffee cake. Etc. I think that is what she longs for, this sense of family and community. What she got as an only child is my husband who is an only child and who is crazy busy in his career as a MD and who works easily 75 hours a week. She has two cousins left and they live hours away, and one didn’t have children and the other has one child. They are both depressed and disgusted.
I have my own health issues and my kids don’t live here and the one who does works full time.
A few days after she called crying, I called and asked her if she wanted to run errands with me or do something and she replied no. She also has her days and nights mixed up, so sometimes she doesn’t wake up until 2 in the afternoon. I can’t drive at night and I go to bed early.
They are just unhappy and there is nothing we can to do change it. My MIL is also urine incontinent and I’m sure that is a giant PITA to deal with.
Truthfully, she has the right to be disgusted.
I also hope I’m not this unhappy if I make it to 85. It’s just sad.
Her brain is broken. Keep reminding yourself that dementia robs people of reason, logic and empathy for others. She is only able to think about herself and not the impact it would have if she moved in with you. You will need to redirect, distract, ignore or walk out (or hand up) when this topic comes up. There's no point in discussing it since it distresses the both of you.
I'm not sure what a social is going to do for her. Is she on meds for depression? If not, why not? My Mom just started the lowest dose of Lexapro and it has helped her a lot.
Talk to the admins and staff about encouraging her to come out of her room and joining in. But there's only so much they can do and spend time on. My MIL did that in AL. Eventually she wouldn't get out of bed. Then she became bedridden and now she's in LTC. Funny thing, her memory loss caused her to forget that she refused to go to activities (and we spent a LOT of energy trying to get her to participate). The staff (in a differnt facility) also did a great job of getting her out. Now she she jokes with the staff, goes to activities, eats with the others. It took several years for this to happen, plus she's in an awesome place. And she's on meds.
How long has your Mom been in the AL? How old is she?
How old is Mom? Why the need of an AL? Does she have an illness where living on her own was not possible?
Are you paying this SW? What is she/he suppose to be doing for Mom? Really, its up to the Activities director to try and get Mom involved in activities. No they can't force her but they should be trying. Some ALs require residents to eat in the dining room and charge to have it delivered to the room.
"I know she will be unhappy wherever she lives, bc life is not what it used to be." This is what you need to tell her. First, u have reasons why you know Mom living with u is not a good thing. You don't need to tell her what those things are just say "Mom, living with me is not doable for so many reasons. I really don't think you would be happy anywhere you lived because your life is not what it used to be and sorry it never will be. I cannot make u happy. Thats up to you. You have the ability to join in activities, enjoy the entertainment, go down to dinner and sit with others instead of being in your room alone. Make friends. I cannot be all these things for you. You need to do it yourself."
Mom may be depressed and in need of antidepressants. My mother did very well will Wellbutrin for 7 years, which kept her OUT of her apartment and engaged with others socially. It also helped that her AL charged $6 for meal deliveries to the residents. She ate in the dining room daily as a result.
We all "want" things that we cannot have. Coming to live with you sounds like utopia to mom but is something else in reality. A boring lifestyle for her, and no privacy again for you. I would tell my mother that it was not possible for her to come live with me because her medical issues were more than I was capable of handling. To which she'd argue that she HAD no medical conditions. Rinse and repeat.
I wish I could write a better end to my moms story, but I can't. If I had lots and lots of money so that i could quite my job, I would bring her home, build on a small apartment suite and hire 24/7 help to come in and care for all of her needs. I would install one of those walk in tubs so that she could take a nice warm bath which she hasn't had in years. I would watch a show with her before bed, I would sit in the yard with her and watch the birds and look at the flowers while we at breakfast, I would be able to spend more time with her unhurried and not stressed. People say money doesn't buy you happiness and it doesn't, but it sure can fix a lot of things...and it would sure allow me to make my moms last years on this earth more tolerable.
Her safety and wellness is what's important. Try to except that you've done all you can. Pray 🙏 For peace of mind, heart, it's okay 👍
Every time my brother or I go to visit ( which is now once a week) we never know what to expect. Most days she's very angry although she does have some days she's more subdued and even smile. BUT she brings up at every visit she wants to go home.
I have come to learn from all these wonderful people in here, to shorten my visits, change the subject, I never argue back with her, I just listen and try to offer comfort and speak of positive things. IF none of that works and I see her getting even more upset, I just tell her I love her and I need to get back home but will be back again to visit her soon. Period.
As others have mentioned, it is hard to watch them decline and I used to fell so guilty about having to place her there, but I know it's for the best and her safety. Prior to her going she averaged 5 falls a month and many ER trips. She's not had one ER trip or fall since being there.
I hope you feel some peace soon, we all know and have experienced this on some level. Hugs
I've owned cats for 40yrs and as long as they stayed indoors, vet trips weren't necessary. I'm single and I would go nuts without mine.
It takes more love to say no than to give in and risk you both being miserable. What would happen if you would be running errands and something happened to them at home? If you would want to go out with your spouse or friends would you be free to, without a guilt trip?
He worked fulltime. He had stairs. Wife said no. So many reasons he could not. Suffered from guilt but just could not house her.
Had a sibling that reportedly had the funds to build an apartment suite for Mother, but didn't. Saw this as futile. The Mother was not asking for an apartment suite, a smaller space she could be independant in. She was directly asking to be 'taken home & be looked after'. Wanted company with her all day. Family tried getting home help but she didn't want home help people for company or assist with chores. Wanted meals cooked & to be served. So family though AL may be a better fit. But she didn't want to be cooked for & served by the staff in AL. Wanted to be housed, cooked for served only by her adult children.
When she was taken to her son's home for a family home-cooked meal, instead of being joyful she complained about not living there even more. Tears & tantrums when leaving each time.
Family took her to eat out in nice resturants for special occasions. Instead of enjoying herself, she complained about the price.
It took much time for my friend to see he could not make his Mother happy. Her feelings were up to her. She choose to be unhappy afresh every day until she died. Very sad.
Myself, I try to find 3 things I am grateful for everyday. (Even if they are very small things). I find this helps me a lot. There are many small joy spots in our day when we build up our skill to see them. Feeling cozy in bed on a cold morning, that first sip of coffee, wearing a favorite item of clothing.
The issue isn't what to say, the issue is you learning why you feel terrible 'all the time' and how to handle it.
Making decisions are hard and often do not 'feel good.'
You likely are in overwhelm - which would account for some of how you feel.
Take a step at a time.
Examine your feelings. Understand them so you can process through them to make needed decisions.
Often, It is a given that a relative would rather live with a parent than be in AL. It requires you to BELIEVE they are getting the BEST care they can where they are - for you to feel better about your decisions.
These are not easy decisions or feelings to deal with. They are hard.
You need to think of yourself - first.
You do the best you can and then you let go (and Let God / or some other spiritual entity). And, deal with your guilt / 'terrible feelings.' If you do not deal with how you feel, your well being will be (severely) compromised.
Learn self-compassion.
Likely, the most compassion decision you can make is to leave your parent in AL and visit / take care of them as best you can. You need this separation.
You do not say how long they have been in AL.
It takes time to adjust.
Enlist friends and volunteers to visit.
Gena / Touch Matters
This is a lot of change, getting old and feeble is hard and scary, then you move in with a facility full of strangers. A little hand holding is in order and really beneficial in my experience.
I would also give free hair cuts on the patio every 4 to 6 weeks, this was always a good time for everyone involved. I recommend giving of yourself, whatever skills you possess, to help get mom acclimated and the added benefits for me were that I didn't have to be alone with an angry, ugly, upset dad. He behaved better when others were around. I am not a trained beautician, I did clarify that for everyone and did the best I could, it was the human touch, kindness and normalcy of hanging out chatting in the barber shop that everyone responded well to and over time my skills improved. My point is, engaging others helps your loved one get to know their new neighbors, my dad was popular because of the things I did for him and his new friends. May you have the same end result with your mom.
God bless you, placing a parent is soooooo very hard but, helping them settle helps.