How to get my wife to realize that we can't take care of her elderly father?

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How to get my wife to realize that we can't take care of her elderly father?

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So I created a post several years ago, and wanted to look for help based on the current situation. My father-in-law had a debilitating stroke a few years ago. He can't walk on his own, barely talks and has a feeding tube for nutrition. He has been in a nursing home the past few years, and recently he ended up in the hospital with a UTI. My wife now wants him out of this nursing home, and wants to move him into our home to take care of him. Here are a couple things to keep in mind.
Our house is not wheelchair accessible, bathrooms/hallways are a bit tight.
We have 2 small children that live in the house, she wants to put them into one room so he can have his own room. Or put him into the oldest one's room, he's not pleased with that idea as you can imagine.
No one in his family cares much about him, including his estranged wife and 3 other kids. He has a sister who wishes he was dead. My wife is the only one who wants to take care of him.
My wife is a nurse, and she is under the impression that she'll be able to handle his care 24-7. I know it's going to take 2 people to get him to the bathroom or to change his diaper.
He has no income besides Medicare, about $800 a month, and the nursing home has been using that for the past few years.
Now I've expressed my opinion on the situation, but I don't think she is taking anyone else into consideration. She has already closed his account at the nursing home, and he will soon be release from the hospital. I'm pretty sure she is just going to bring him home. She does not discuss any details with me. I told her that this decision could possibly break apart our family, and she is willing to go that route, BUT we are living on a combined income so I don't see how she would be able to do it on her own, much less with both of us on board. Me personally, I think he has had no quality of life in the past few years. No one has gone to visit him, including my wife. I don't see any way for his condition to improve as it has gotten much worse over the past year. If it was my father, I would have a talk with the immediate family about removing the feeding tube and let him pass. I know that is a hard decision, but lying in bed all day and not seeing anyone ever is awful. I've asked other family members on her side if they would be able to take him in, and of course no one will, they all have excuses. I've asked if they would like to move him to a different facility in their area/states, where he can be closer to them, and no one has stepped up. The facility he was at was a good hour or so from us, it was the closest one available.
Does anyone have any knowledge of what Medicare/Medicaid would cover for caregiving at home? What I saw was 35 hours a week, but not for long term. My wife said that she could be his caregiver, and they would pay her X amount of money, but I didn't hear any other details with that option so I don't know if we could afford that route. My wife would have to quit her current job, so we would be losing half of our income, and with the way everything is costing right now, we can't afford to do that. So I guess, my question is a couple parts. 1, how do I convince her that this isn't an option? Even if money wasn't an issue, I honestly don't think she could handle it. She brought him home for a holiday last year, took care of him for 2 days. After the 2nd day she had to take 2 days off of work because of the exhaustion. 2nd question, does anyone have any real life experience dealing with Medicare/Medicaid for home health care, at home care giving, so I have those facts ready when I try to have a discussion with her? Also note, this has been a very hostile topic, and has caused some knock down drag out fights, some occurring in front of our youngest child. I have told her numerous times, that I do not want this to cause these fights in front of the kids as it's harming them mentally. We've had some issues now with our youngest at school. Please help!

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The one thing I'd ask her is to really tell you why she thinks this is a good idea and why she wants to do it. You and everyone else know it's absurd to think this will work, but really listen to why she wants to do it and break down that discussion. It might be some kind of misplaced guilt, or she's burned out from work and worrying about him and thinks this would fix it. (We know it won't.)

She might need a work sabbatical instead of going this route. Can she take off a month or two from work, just rest and rejuvenate, then the discussion on Dad can resume? (He goes back to the NH for this period she's off.)

After a period away from her major stresses, she might think more clearly on things and be more rational about it all. The fact that she'd be willing to up-end the entire family's lives is concerning, so I'll bet there's something else behind this.

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Great idea, I love it, BUT I can tell you exactly how she will answer. She will simply say that the NH is going to kill him and that she can’t live with herself knowing he’s in there dying. I think it’s going to be more beneficial to help her get over her guilt. I will try it though, I do think having real discussion is key. Now taking work off? Her employer is overloaded as it is, and they are having a hard time finding nurses to work. I don’t think taking an extended period of time off. And my wife is the type who likes to go to work, but at the same time I do agree that she is burned out on her current job. And she feels that since she’s already taking care of these other patients that it should be her Dad she is taking care of. Biggest difference being her patients are not in as bad of shape as her dad, plus her work hours are from 8-5, so you can sit back, eat dinner, have a glass of wine, watch a movie and chill. Kiss most of those things good bye of her dad is here, it will be every hour or two.

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If W wants Dad to die at home, presumably in one of the children’s bedrooms, is a child going to be happy about moving into the now vacant room?

You can think about this, I have mixed ideas. I sleep in the bed my mother died in, but I do know that some people find the whole things very off. In fact, I’ve met a couple who insisted on building a new house, just to be sure that no-one had died in it. What does W say about this aspect?

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kryptoid, you had mentioned earlier of possibly renting or buying an office. I think you may want to continue to work at home just to give the children some place that is a soft landing if the rest of the house gets out of control every now or then.

With today's commercial office spaces, there is a glut of available space, but the rents or buying have gone skyward, I know one would think the commercial property owner or management company would lower rents/sales to get the offices filled. The owner can write off vacant spaces as a loss for tax purposes.

If you find you really need to escape, I highly recommend sub-letting a space where a company/group has an empty office you can use.

I really hope this situation doesn't come to a point where you can no longer work from home.

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Kryptoid, she is NOT going to get paid 30.00 an hour from Medicaid, period!

I encourage you to make her get the actual Medicaid situation in writing. Because it is usually minimum wage for minimum hours. They tend to think that a family member is doing what they are for familial love, not pay.

Does she think she can nurse him out of being a piece of crap? Because she can't. Brain injuries and illness tend to make people more of what they are.

His behavior screams user and she doesn't see that his "get me outta here! " is just using her. My lands, he doesn't every care about his grandchildren, that says everything I need to know. He's a self centered, selfish pos and she is willing to ruin everyone's life around her to please him?

You sure you want your son raised by her?

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I agree, and I told her that 30/hr from Medicaid is BS..she said that since she is an RN, that they will pay her that, and since he has a feeding tube then he qualifies for whatever.. remember, I get little bits and pieces of info, and all from her mouth, i haven't seen anything in writing, and that is a great idea about getting that in writing, although I still don't think it's a good idea..I don't care if they paid her $100/hr...she can't do it, period. While her dad does seem like a POS, he really wasn't a bad guy around me or the kids when he was healthier. He would watch the kids if we asked, and was helpful if we needed him, but that wasn't often. And there was always a benefit to him, free beer from our fridge, and Wi-Fi. I do feel that you only get one set of parents, and that he deserves the best care that he can get. And that care is from a NH..he is exactly what they were built for. Now, do I feel that he has any quality of life, or has over the past couple years? NO. But that's not a conversation I need to have with him, but one that his siblings should already have.

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Oh maaaaan , this sounds so rough!

It sounds she is set on this course, but maybe point out how many people it takes to care for her Dad, in shifts? And she thinks she ( and family ) can do what it takes a whole team to do?

If or when Dad comes in ( hopefully not! ) maybe focus entirely on the kid care - and yourself! That’s still a lot and I’m sure you all could use stability and some good times together. Easier said than done of course but you get the idea.

Totally rooting for you….sending you much luck!

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Oh, she definitely thinks that she has this...she thinks that his Medicaid is going to cover around the clock nursing care, and that they are going to pay her to be his care giver, etc. etc..so lots of wishful thinking. Once reality kicks in, and kicks her butt, then she'll be singing a different tune..I'll probably sit back, make some popcorn and watch the show, all I can do really. I'm not leaving my house, my kids aren't leaving, dogs not getting re-homed... Thanks for the well wishes, I need all the positive vibes I can get!!

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Medicaid will only pay for limited hrs every week and at no where near $30.00 an hour. More like $12.00. Getting approved for 35 is highly unlikely. Medicaid would prefer to pay for NH care.

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Ya, home health care from Medicaid is for short term..they aren't going to pay anyone for long term care.

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This is heartbreaking to me,, as you state you do not ever want to be divorced again,, and lets face it alot of the responses here are pretty much going to guarantee that is in your future. Not that I disagree with many of them,, but they are harsh things to do. So I am pretty sure at some point you WILL be helping out with her Dad, to keep the peace and the marriage and the house and kids. I know you mentioned being a "visiting dad" and you assume you will lose the kids to her if you divorce. It is still comman for the mother to get the kids, but it is no longer the "rule",, I know several Dads who got custody. It's not easy perhaps,, but you have plenty of reasons why you may be the better choice at this point. And expressing your reservations to the hospital SW and such may work out in your favor. Older teens have some say in where they end up these days also. I wish you all the best.. this is horrible for you and the children. BTW, have you shown her the post and the responces here? It may be a wake up call.

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So, it's hard to explain everything on these posts...but one thing everyone needs to understand is that we have had a great relationship over the past 8 years..yes we've had a few normal fights over stuff, but we always resolved things quickly..she is a very loving person, and I can go into more detail, but I know that she doesn't want a divorce, and neither do I. I'm not thinking about that as an option right now, I'm trying to find a solution..and maybe that won't happen..and if it doesn't then I'll deal with the situation at that time. I'm trying to stay positive, i want positive vibes to be felt by the kids, and I'm hoping that we can work things out. I've thought about showing her this post, but I'm not sure how she would react. She could interpret it as sort of a betrayl, me doing something behind her back. I'll keep it as my ace in the hole..hopefully a counselor will have a better affect on her decision making. I'll also be getting other family members involved next week, as they need to all be part of the issue as well. Their dad is not just my responsibility.

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Your wife is totally unrealistic and isn't taking anyone, including the kids, needs into account. If she brings him home, it will only get worse.

Everyone in the family will be impacted and your financial, mental and physical health. Your kids will be impacted the most as she will not have any time for anything other than caring for her father.

If I were in this situation, I would not allow her to bring him home and if she did, I would find somewhere else for the rest of the family to live. I think you need to give her the same ultimatum.

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K, what do you think of the ‘angling for divorce’ suggestions? It’s a very different slant on the behavior. If you think there’s anything in it, don’t have all your funds in a joint bank account. When you go away, keep the papers for your business secure, and think of how to access the house if the locks are changed.

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If she is so focused on doing this and there is nothing you can do to stop her just make sure she knows that you and the children will do NOTHING to aid in this situation. No helping to dress, feed, toilet or just watch him. He will need to be someplace where he does not disrupt the entire household. Is she prepared for the house to smell like piss and excrement? And what will she do when it gets to that point? Who will take over if she takes ill? You said she has long-term Covid...how can she even think of managing this? Make it crystal clear that she made this decision on her own and therefore she and she alone owns it. Make sure you take the kids away for the weekend to get them away from the horrid situation. You know darn well she will tell you this would all work out if you just helped a little. Don't fall for that.

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Oh, she knows that we are not going to be helping one bit, but here's something else to consider. I work from home, have my own business and work out of a home office. She isn't considering how this will interrupt my work days, and I'm already looking to rent or buy an office. So, I'm not 100% sure on any sort of plan, but a lot of people have asked how does she think she'll handle this on her own. Well, she thinks that Medicaid is going to pay for around the clock care, OR that they will pay her $30 an hour to be his care giver. Keep in mind, these are just details that she has thrown out there, and I don't know how valid they are. I researched medicaid coverage in our state, and all I could find was 35 hours a week, but I believe that had to be approved by a Dr. and that it was only short term, not long term. I'm guessing her other option is to quit her current job and just take care of him 24-7, but like how many other have mentioned, that is just not going to happen.

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If you do see a lawyer, perhaps they can facilitate some kind of restraining order that will keep her from bringing dad to your home. IDK, but it's worth a try.

I can state with absolute firmness that your kids will be negatively affected by this for the rest of their lives.

Example: A sick person in the home is essentially the 'boss' Everything revolves around their care.

Her dad dies while in your home. Whichever kid got displaced by Grandpa is almost assuredly going to be 'icked out' by this. My kids loved their grandpa, but when he'd start in with his phlegmy cough which would last for hours--they left the house and didn't come back until they knew he'd be gone. They loved him, but were too young to have the compassion and long range judgment to see that the care I gave him in our home (meals and visits only-he never moved in)--was just that: love and compassion. But I NEVER allowed my DH to bring him to our house for 'good'. I would have left my DH and taken my kids and gone ANYWHERE to not be told day and night that I wasn't 'nice'. (Yet I never ONCE saw my DH do anything of a CG job for his dad. Anything involving bodily fluids had him barfing his guts out, while I am trying to deal with the issue at hand.

My mom just passed away, 3 weeks ago. She died in her home, 'near' her bed. None of us adults were unduly shocked or terrified of this, but we didn't tell the ggkids how she died, or where. They'd never go back to her apartment.

My heart aches for you. Your wife doesn't seem of sound mind at all!

BTW--I must have missed this--who is your dad's POA? If it's you, then you hold the 'winning hand'. USe that to 'force' the movement of your dad to a different NH if the one he's been in has released him and won't take him back.

So sorry for your struggles.

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I found that update, the wife has POA for her father:

"She does have POA with him, and I was pretty pissed off that she was the one to sign up for that task early on. I have asked her one sibling if he could transfer that to him, but again no action, just talk."

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Have you taken done time away to laugh, because this is 😂

Barring that, it won't work. Your wife will probably burn out in short order

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Cover--
This poor guy's life is in total disarray and you think it's FUNNY? SMH.

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Kryptoid, have you or anyone asked your wife how she plans on caring for her dad when she is to sick to work? Has she had a good physical recently?

I would write down all the negative and positive points and use that as a guide to keep the conversation on track. You guys have to speak about this situation, it will change the lives of every person in the home. Everything will be about her dad and his needs. What about a fair shot for the children living in the home?

Maybe approaching this as a discussion of "What is this caregiving situation going to look like? would be more palatable for her and you. In reality everyone will be helping prop this situation up, either by direct care or picking up the slack because your wife is giving everything to her dad and not able to do anything else.

She isn't thinking right now, she is being led by her emotions and that never works out well.

I am curious, how old is dad? Did his stroke occur from a medical condition or lifestyle choices?

Bottom line for your wife to understand, none of us get out of here alive. If him dying in a NH is going to ruin her, what is going to happen when he dies under her watch?

Don't argue with her, it only causes her to dig in. Help her sort out the reality of this choice and have an exit plan that gets dad back into managed care after a given time, if things are going to pot.

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So, she thinks that Medicaid is going to pay for home health care. And while she has recovered from the long covid, there is always a chance of it coming back. If she does a lot of strenuous work in the yard or house, it takes a day or so to recover. I like your idea of writing things down, i think that would work with a rational human being, but she really isn't thinking clearly about the whole thing. She's even said things like "well, everyone i talked to thinks its a good idea to move him in" and of course, I ask I would like to know who the heck is telling you this, because I call BS.

Her Dad is 70, had the stroke when he was 67, ohhh about a month after we got married. And get this, he has afib..he actually had a mini stroke about a month previous to the major one. Dr. prescribed him eliquis, and guess what, he didn't take it. Cried about how much it cost, or that he was throwing it up, but never let my wife know about any of that. Well, a month later, and boom, major stroke, laid out on the floor for 8 hours..honestly shouldn't have made it. I think if he died here, she would be perfectly content, thinking that she did a great job at the end of his life. She has stated numerous times that the NH is going to kill him, and while all NH's can have poor care, this one has a 5.0 rating on Google, so it must not be that bad. But again, if you never saved any money, ripped everyone off, including your own family, have no assets, and end up getting sick, you are going to get the best care that your SS pays for. It's difficult to not argue with her about this topic, as I get pretty furious at her for even considering it. This is not something that has just come up, but an ongoing off and on issue over the past few years.

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@kryptoid

I just read your other posts and there's something going on with her that she wants to keep hidden. I'll tell you what I think it is and I hope I'm wrong.
She wants a divorce from you and doesn't want to be the "bad guy" who throws her husband, the father of her children out.
So she'll take her invalid father out of the nursing home and move him in and it will drive you out.
I was married twice myself and I know that people will do all kinds of things when they want out of a marriage rather than just tell the truth.
My friend, I feel terrible for you. I really do. Your marriage is over, but don't give into your wife. She's choosing her father over her husband and children. Don't let her chase you out of your house because it belongs to you too.
What's happening to you usually happens to women (daughters). The husband wants his mother or father to move in and his wife gets no say at all.
Talk to a lawyer right away. Since you are also an owner of the home you may be able to get a court-order preventing her father from being moved into the house that you also own.
Go to the nursing home he is in. Tell their administrator that you also own the house you live in and that you are not allowing him to be moved into your house.
Talk to a lawyer.

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So "Dateline" in a way?

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kryptoid... LONG HAUL COVID....you had mentioned your wife has been dealing with long-haul-covid to a point where she lost her job, etc.

People struggling with the effects of long COVID may have noticeable problems with attention, memory, and executive function. This sounds like a classic case with your wife. Therefore, no matter what you say, she will fight you tooth and nail.

If only your wife could see a neurologist, take tests, and see if there are any issues due to covid. Make up some excuse to make an appointment, even tell her the appointment is for yourself and you want her there for support, let the doctor know in advance what is going on.

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So, I agree 100%..i do think the long covid has affected her thinking and rationale decision making. That is one of the reason's why I want her to transfer the POA to someone else in the family. But do you think anyone is ready to sign up for that, NO. I doubt she would go to a neurologist, and to get an appt in our town for one is probably 3-4 weeks.

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My goodness, Kryptoid, you certainly have the sympathy of so many here. I cannot imagine the frustration that you feel, although it does come across in your posts here. You have not only yourself to worry about, but also your young children.

I second the opinion that since you have no "voice" whatsoever in what is about to happen, then you truly step back, offering no assistance, as your wife moves her dad into the home. Absolutely, leave for the weekend, letting your wife know that you are doing this FOR HER. Tell her that you are doing this to allow her no distractions as she gets her dad moved in and settled, and you will get the children out of the way....this allows you to be the GOOD guy, because you are thinking of her, and removes you as the target of her anger. The more that you two butt heads over this, the more ammunition she has to be angry with YOU. Don't give her that opportunity!

And then watch as things unfold....when she needs help with her father, be empathetic, and tell her that the best help you can offer to her is to take the kids out of her way, so you are going to get them ice cream of dinner or go to a movie, whatever.

As others have said, leave ALL the care to her. ALL of it. The most that you will do is remove the children to "give her the room she needs to care for dad", and you are doing this for HER. This is the support you offer her.
And when her anger turns to you for not helping her, you can point out that you ARE helping, you are helping in the best and most caring way possible-- allowing her the space and silence to care for dad, which you will have to point out, is EXACTLY WHAT SHE WANTED.

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I agree with this 100%. Focus on your children. Keep their world as stable as possible.

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I read your other posts. Seems like you were in this same predicament back in 2020, and reason prevailed then (although you never came back to update).

You mentioned that your wife's brothers thought it was a good idea back then that FIL move in (why of COURSE they did; as MALES they figured it wasn't THEIR duty?).

How old are the kids now? The youngest is, what 4/5? And then there's a 13/14 y/o. You mentioned your oldest daughter, but then also a stepson. Are there 3 kids? (And if you divorced your previous wife 8 years ago, only the youngest child is your biological child?) Did you adopt the stepson?

You've stated that you will not move out of your house, since apparently you did that last time and then charged with abandonment. You've also stated that you are going to let it happen that your wife takes your FIL home from the hospital.

I'm wondering if you are really going to let her do everything by herself. I expect that you are going to step in and become fully embroiled in FIL's care when you are home "for the good of the kids" or some such belief.

Will you come back and at least update us this time?

I foresee divorce in your future.

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Ya, I'm sorry for not following up on the other post..but as the issue went away, I was hopeful that I wouldn't have to deal with it again, but here we are. So, she only has one other brother who even cares about the Dad, the oldest sibling wishes he was dead, and the other, well, he's just MIA. I've heard several excuses for why he's absent, but he lives about 5 hours away, and hasn't visited his own Dad so that tells you everything you need to know there. Let me break down our family structure. I have 2 girls from a previous marriage, they are around, but live with their Mother primarily. One is 13 the other almost 18, so honestly with their friends and school, and what not they are living pretty normal lives for young girls. It's a pretty long story on why they don't live with us, but I will say that they used to live with us when they were younger, but their mom convinced them that they do not have to live with me, even though we have a court order with shared parental rights. 10's of thousands of dollars were spent on both sides in that battle, it took over 3 years of my life, and that is one of the reasons why I will never go through that again, as it nearly killed me. But I am the one who helps with their education/school projects/studies, the one who takes them to school, picks them up from school, pays for things when needed, you know being their Dad..so that's all i can do there. My current wife had a son when I met her, so I have one step son who I consider my own, always have..and I've raised him since he was 6, he's now 14 and he just started a new larger public high school..and is just developing new friendships..he had a hard time making friends at his old school, as it was a smaller charter school..and that is also one of the main arguing points, is that he is at an age where he will be having friends over to hang out..you think they are going to want to hang out in his room with grandpa? No..her son is pretty upset about the situation, and is on my side, not that I'm making sides, but he is very smart, and he knows how it's going to play out. Her not considering his feelings is totally inappropriate, and unfortunately I don't have parental/guardian rights with him, as his father is still involved in his life, spends the summer time with him. I think the 14 year old would like to move to his Dad's, but unfortunately the Dad has told my wife that he can't move him in (remarried, more kids, no room, whatever..) And lastly, my wife and I had one child together, and he is 5 years old. He is the one that will be the most affected by this, he is already being negatively affected by all of the fighting..and I will not expose him to this any longer. I gotta run, but I'll answer your last question...so when she had her Dad stay with us for 2 days before, I did not help at all..that is one of the reasons she was shot for 2 days after. I thought that event would have been a wake up call for her wild idea of being his full time care giver, but I guess it didn't. I think this past hospital visit (UTI) triggered something in her, where she is blaming the NH on it, and the only right thing to do is get him out of there and into our home. We will see, and I promise to keep everyone updated on the situation, I hope it's good news. On a side note, we should have our first counseling appt next week, I hope it's not too late, and I hope it helps. Fingers crossed.

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So very sorry this is happening to you. I wish I had words that would help. Hugs

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Thank you, I appreciate the support. Everyone's support has really helped me out. I don't want to vent to my friends or family because they will think badly of my wife, and if things do work out (miracle needed) then you always have their thoughts and idea of your spouse in the back of your head.

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I’ve been thinking about talking to FIL. You’ve made it clear that you think he should ‘pull the plug’. Unless he is there already, that’s not going to go down well. Can you talk to him instead about what this is doing and going to do to his daughter and his grandchildren? That she will be broken hearted when she fails? Her health is at risk if she tries to work three shifts? That it will stop her putting her energy into his grandchildren's lives, like a mother should. That his grandchildren's last memories of him will be of him in terrible shape, incontinent and in pain until he dies? With their parents totally distressed? That everyone hopes to die in their sleep, but it rarely happens? That it is already putting stress on his daughter's marriage, and may well break it up? That she is suffering from an overload of guilt because she can’t accept that all lives come to an end? Ask him to talk about ‘our family’, who looked after ageing relatives, at what age and how long? As we all know, it was a whole lot different for previous generations when medical options were so limited.

It’s just possible that this approach might help.

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So, last time I saw him, he didn't even know where he was.. he's in and out of it..so having a solid conversation with him about anything, is going to be difficult, if not impossible. And even if he could comprehend, and I explained to him what this is doing to my family, I honestly don't think he would care. If he is still at the hospital on Monday, I will probably stop by or call and see if I can talk to a social worker there to get their advice. If they hear that our house is not suitable for him, then maybe they can prevent the move in. I will have to deal with the repercussions of that, but I'm willing to.

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To add..

If Dad stays in the NH, she believes she has *failed* him, has failed as a daughter, is a *bad* person as judged by her culture.

*No NH ever!*
Why? What's the underlying belief behind that statement? Is it "people who LOVE or CARE don't put their LO in nursing homes?

I think the way could be for your Wife to find an acceptable replacement statement - to tell herself & maintain her cultural dignity.
(It is her own thoughts holding her in this guilt pattern afterall).

Something like, I tried everything, but Dad's care needs are just too high for me at home. He needs round the clock care by a full team. I wish it was different.

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Rational person, yes, that could work. Irrational, who thinks she is going to magically rehab him back to health, who thinks his condition is not that bad..I don't think it's going to work. She is pretty dead set on being his savior, even if it means destroying her own family. Now maybe she is bluffing, and seeing if I will back down..but I'm not and I'm not bluffing. I told her that I would like to have a group zoom call with all family members who want to be involved so we can all discuss the best option for him. And if no one else wants to move him into their homes, then why should I? I am the one who emptied out his apartment and stored all of his belongings, no one else helped. Oh, and he does have a wife, someone who he was married to before, lived in our town and was around him, but they didn't live together but hung around...as soon as he got sick, guess what? she picked up and moved out of state 8 hours away. I feel that she should be the POA, but she's definitely not signing up for that job. I believe they are only married, because he didn't pay his taxes on a business he had, and that business was in her name, so she's not letting him off the hook on those back taxes that are due. It's an entirely screwed up situation...and all I can do is pray, and continue being a Dad and a husband. I love my wife, I think she wants to do what is best for her Dad, and unfortunately she thinks that is taking care of him on her own.

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I think Lealonnie, Fawnby & the others have it.

"And when she said "we don't put our family in nursing homes"

This. This is the crux of it.

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Ya, well she has an aunt who had her grand mother in a nursing home..so we all know that's not true. I mentioned this before..but when you are arguing, you say some stupid things, and some hateful things that you may not really mean. I know she is guilt tripping me on this whole thing, but I'm being realistic and only stating facts..I do need to control my anger when we do try to discuss this, but I'm sure everyone would agree that this would make anyone get heated.

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Perhaps you misunderstood when I suggested going on vacation with the children when/if she moves him in. I didn’t mean to leave the house permanently. I did mean to let her work out what to do without you being there to argue with, or the kids to get upset. Yes she may well move the furniture, but that’s easily reversed if she finds that it’s all impossible. If you get a tent, it’s probably cheaper and easier than counseling, lawyers, marriage guidance – certainly cheaper than starting on divorce.

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Oh, we are definitely going on some vacations. The kids are at an age where I was planning to anyways, even if they are affordable quick getaways. And guess what, she won't be able to join us because she'll need to sit home every single weekend to take care of Dad. And divorce is that last thing I want, and I don't think she wants it either...but I do think we need a bit of counseling..we need a third party who isn't partial to either side. I hope that helps, I'm praying it does.

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So sorry your wife is being so ridiculously unreasonable.

Do NOTHING to help her get ready for this train wreck. Do NOT allow her to move your children's bedrooms or make them share.

You've probably talked this to death but I'd say:
"I love you honey but I am 110% against this and am offering absolutely no assistance. I do not want your dad living here. It is not good for our marriage or our children. Or our budget. $800 a month social security? A nurse makes WAY more than that."

I like your idea of taking the kids on a trip when/if the dreaded day comes that she actually plans on taking him home to your house. Hmm, but then she might set him up in one of the kids rooms while you're gone. Might have to put locks on the outside of the doors to prevent that!

Even though you have no actual rights, I would call the hospital and let SOMEONE know that you, the hubby, are not onboard with her bringing her daddy home to your house and do not feel this to be a safe discharge.

Keep us posted. I am anxious to hear how this unfolds. I hope she comes to her senses, for everyone's benefit including her dad.

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If he puts locks on the doors to the kids’ rooms, that could be interpreted as some sort of abuse because she’s not being allowed to use part of the home. Also, he might return home to find all the locks changed so he can’t get back in and her possible charge of abandoning the home, just like with his last wife. Leaving temporarily seems like a good answer until we start thinking about this wife and how eager she might be to get rid of him, since she’s agreeable to breaking up the marriage so she can bring her father into the house.

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“Where I’m from, we don’t put blah blah blah in nursing homes.” This is specious logic. Where she’s from, she isn’t anymore. What they do where she is from has no bearing on this case; if it is different here, that is our culture and she chose to live here. When she says that, she’s declaring her culture’s superiority and looking down at ours. Not only that, but nursing homes there are probably substandard compared to ours. Any chance that she and her dad could move back? It might be the perfect place for them. A one-way ticket for two would cost less than a divorce. Oh, and tell her she can take the puppy too.

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Why subject the puppy to this woman? Do you hate puppies?

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Sounds like this is going to happen no matter what. Maybe the universe will throw you a bone and he will die before she can move him into your house. Of course knowing the universe that's probably not gonna happen and he will live another 5 or 10 years.

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Yes, that's what I'm afraid of..I'm had close family friends say the same about him living another 10 years..and no matter what do not let him in, or you will never get him out. I'm not sure if I sound cruel, but both her and the dad are being very selfish..he has no quality of life, and he knows it...and if he had any pride he would have them take the NG tube out. I just had an uncle get sick, and he had no heroics, refused a feeding tube..and said he was done, and did not want to be a burden on my aunt who had already been taking care of him for years. I'm praying to the stars for any sort of bone..I just want everyone to be happy, life is too short to stress over this type of stuff. Now if we had the kids off to college, and had the time, energy and money to take care of him, we would do what we could. I asked the family if they wanted to all chip in monthly to help supplement his medicare so that he could move into a better home, but guess who else wanted to contribute? no one :( that really is another aspect in this situation, is that this guy burned most of his bridges in life, had no savings, no pension, no insurance, home, anything..i never had any problems with him personally, but when your old children wish you were dead you gotta wonder.

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You're not going to get your wife to realize that she isn't capable of caring for her father in your home, that it's a horrible idea, or that it's going to tear your lives apart and upset your children's lives. She knows all that and doesn't care. She's made her decision, regardless of you being totally against it, and that's that. She's not thinking clearly, to put it nicely. She's had her father in a NH for several years already, so saying "where I'm from, we don't put our family members in nursing homes " just doesn't hold water. Or make sense.

You say, "please help!" How so? You won't move out, you tried that with the ex and it turned out to be a bad idea. Your wife has already checked her father out of the NH, so what are your options?

I'll wish you good luck and most of all Godspeed dealing with the hell that's about to break loose here, thanks to your wife who's refusing to take anyone or anything into consideration here but herself. I'm sorry for your kids, most of all. I think you should speak to an attorney about what
to do here, personally. Hopefully he'll have some guidance and suggestions for you that prove useful.

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Does she know it..she honestly thinks that she is going to rehab him and get him eating on his own and walking and going to the bathroom, etc. And when she said "we don't put our family in nursing homes" it was always when I explained that a NH was really his best option..and that I had grandparents that used them when their health declined...I'm the bad guy in all of this, remember that..while she feels this guilt, i feel the resentment.. if she moves him in that resentment will transfer to her from me and the kids (and others). While I wish there was an answer, I have already realized that this isn't going to end well..ive had many sleepless nights, lots of sobbing, depression, stress..so at what point do you divorce and go separate ways. Then i become a part time dad to my kids, and gamble that whole option..it's really tough, and I really appreciate the well wishes..thank you

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OP, appreciate your clarifications. In this case, this is what I'd tell your wife.

1) FIL will not be taking over any child's room as said child will know about, if not witness, the bowel accidents, the feeding tube disconnects, and whatever slimy mess emanates, followed by the knowledge of death rattles and such. IN HIS OWN ROOM.

1a) She ships him there, she stays with him in your room while you are in one of your children's, or if you prefer, out in the living room sleeping on the marital bed that she's not welcome in for the duration.

2) Observe that if she can really do this, she can just go back to work, long covid or not. It's not like working at home through answering nurse calls or processing workers comp doesn't exist.

3) Do not offer to do anything for him. I mean anything. Do not get trained on how to assist her with a Hoyer lift. Do not mop up his fecal. Just tell her you're busy dealing with her kids for a choice that you never made.

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It doesn't matter where he would reside, she won't last 2 days taking care of him. I would probably scoop up the kids and go on a vacation. That way she can do it all. And on another note, I am the one who gets the kids up for school, picks them up every day, goes to the grocery store, cooks dinner, etc. etc..

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First off, I appreciate the time that everyone took to reply back to me. I’ve been very depressed over this whole ordeal, and this helps out a lot.

I’ll try to answer everyone questions but I’m going to clarify a few things in this post.

1. we’ve never had a physical fight ever. I used the wrong term “knock down, drag out” but these fights are the worst we’ve had. This is really the one true thing that we have fought over, besides this our marriage has been great.

2. A lot of people asked, why didn't she visit in the NH, or she should go do a test run for a couple days. Well, couple reasons. First she got Covid twice and ended up long hauling it for a year, lost her job, no disability through her work. So she is one of these people who cannot wear a mask, and the NH is making no exception on that rule. Other reason is, and I feel this is the main reason. She says that if she goes to visit, she’ll want to bring him home. So guilt. Still to me, not a valid excuse to not visit. Her dad has 3 other adult kids, like I mentioned before one wishes he was dead, the other hasn’t visited but one time when he was here at our house for the holiday, so coincidental not planned. The other one has visited twice in 3 years.

3. Divorce is being mentioned, and lawyers. I went through a nasty divorce about 8 years ago, and I vowed I would never go through that again. I am so well versed in family law that I would rather represent my self, but again this isn’t an option. I love my wife and my family and I don’t want it to fall apart. I do agree, I need therapy individually and marriage, but I don’t know if she will go because she knows what they will say.

3. More info on options. We are in an area that got devastated by a hurricane 4 years ago. More than half of the NH’s in the area were destroyed and never rebuilt. The other family members are in bigger cities that would have more options, but again, I see very little effort to do anything. They are actually encouraging my wife to take their dad in, just so they don’t have to.

Overall, I know she feels guilty that she’s not providing care for her dad. I want what is best for him, I’ve probably visited him the most out of everyone. I’m pretty reluctant to start a conversation about it lately, because I know it’s going to end in a fight. I know that my wife is going to do what she wants no matter what, and that really upsets me. I’m putting my children first, and I honestly think that the only way for her to realize that this isn’t going to work is to try and do it. She also thinks that her dad is going to get better, that she is going to rehab him personally when it’s obvious that he is not going to improve, he’s actually declined over the past year.

Ill end this post with this bit of info. She does have POA with him, and I was pretty pissed off that she was the one to sign up for that task early on. I have asked her one sibling if he could transfer that to him, but again no action, just talk. I won’t ever leave my house, I did that in my first marriage and they used it as a way of saying I abandoned my children.

I’m praying to God that this will all work out, it’s caused tremendous strain on our relationship as you can all imagine. Thank you all for the support and advice, I appreciate it greatly.

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Was it Hurricane Zeta?

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Stand firm.

It is reasonable that ALL the adults in the home get a say in who moves into it.

I know your wife says she will provide the 24/7 care, not you BUT by doing so she will neglect her role of; Wife, Mother & Nurse (+ earning?)

"My wife is a nurse".
She is not A SUPER HERO.

To think she is - is misguided (even narcissistic in a way).

So she is a nurse... she has that care instinct in abundance + no nonsense can-do practical skills + time management & organisations skills too.

But where is her Common Sense?

This is what I would do.
1. Explain your views again.
Set your boundary. IE if she takes Dad from the NH, she must go live with him elsewhere Or, if she moves Dad in - you will take the children & move OUT.
Explain again, her plan will BREAK your family.
She must find another way to help her Dad.

2. If no agreeable compromise, explain your views again - with her with a marriage councellor present.
It's amazing what a third party can do to let people start to HEAR each other & really get to the bottom of a situation.

3. Set a future path you BOTH agree on. Maybe a time limit is set? EG Wife & Dad move into an apartment for 6 months as a trial??

My guess is your Wife wants to be the *perfect daughter* & feels being the 24/7 is the way to show it. Wants approval from Dad even?? (I'm no shrink but have seen many, especially nurses, go down this path).

I would like to say GIVE IT UP LADY & find ANOTHER way.

Be the BEST *Advocate* you can for Dad instead.

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Thanks for the reply. I think I’m on your step 2. I’ve stood my ground very firmly for the past 3 years. She tried to move him in when he went into the first NH, and I went in and told them no way. They transferred him to the long term NH that he was in, but then ended up in the hospital and now she wants to move him in as she thinks the NH is going to kill him and she won’t be able to live if that happens (her words).

I don’t think getting an apartment is an option. Rentals are very sparse here, and there is nothing under $1000/mo, and that’s before utilities.

The only way this could go is, she moves him in, I file for divorce, court would force sale of house. She would make $ on sale of home and use that to take care of her dad. It wouldn’t last, and then the fact that even with unlimited money, no one person is going to be able to handle this task. And now she’s a single mom taking care of her invalid dad, or trying to. Maybe hearing from a third party would be beneficial

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As you realize, your children must come first. Not your father-in-law, and in this case, not even your wife. She is embarked on a mission that will have no positive consequences for any of you. So. Having an invalid sharing a room with your child is entirely inappropriate. The commotion, the smells, the exposure of private parts as he is cleaned up, the sickroom in general. NO WAY. Your wife cannot handle this job. Taking care of an adult in your FIL's condition is a three-person job, and there needs to be a main caregiver (presumably her), a relief caregiver, and another person to help them when needed. Special equipment may be required - do you have room for a Hoyer lift at his bedside? Oxygen tanks? How will you secure his medicines from your children? The bathrooms.....small halls and doors do not work. Period. I've dealt with this problem because I had to manage with 28" doorways to bed and bathrooms for a 185 lb. man who could not walk or toilet himself. I removed the doors myself - they were wood and very heavy - and hung a curtain from expansion rods at the top. That was all the privacy that was possible. And then there was getting a wheelchair through the 28" doorway. I had to modify his wheelchair by scrunching it up to a narrower size and fastening it on the bottom with wires. It was uncomfortable for him to sit in but there was no other way. Does she have the know-how and expertise to deal with all that sort of thing? Doubtful. I hope you'll lay down the law and that she'll come to her senses. One thing that might help is to tell her that you want no part of this and refuse to be around it. She may be counting on you to cave in to her demands, but for the sake of your kids, you really can't do that. My heart goes out to you. I'm sorry you're having the problem, and you don't need any more.

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So I agree with you 100% and I’ve brought up all of these points. As an example, I referred to his one visit that exhausted her for 2 days after. Her answer…that her dad “was fighting her” and that she didn’t get the right equipment. But I don’t care if you had a fully compliant house, it’s just way too much work for 1 person. She also thinks this will be beneficial to our kids, as if their time with him will help him get better. Our oldest is totally against it and has expressed his opinion. The youngest is too young to really see what’s going on, but he would be losing moms attention at a critical part of his age development. Oh did I mention we just got a new puppy? And she needs almost as much attention and training as the kids, I consider my pets part of our family, and I know she will be neglected as well.

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How to get my wife to realize that we can't take care of her elderly father?

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