How to get my wife to realize that we can't take care of her elderly father?

I totally love that you are having your wife share a room with her dad. Brilliant idea. Of course, who will use that room if your FIL passes there? I certainly do not see a 14 year old wanting to return to that room if such an event happens.

I like your idea of defining failure and having her put it is writing.

I would really like to know exactly why your wife is so guilt ridden about not leaving her father in a nursing home. I don't need a detailed explanation of her childhood, I'm just wondering why this is such a sticking point for her. I am assuming he bailed her out of some terrible situation and she feels the need to pay him back?

So, with Xmas right around the corner, I'm going to be signing off and enjoying time OFF the computer and with my family/friends. I will update if something develops, but this will probably be my last post until next year.

First update. I created a "contract" last night which has about 10 requirements on it. I've asked my wife to sign it, so we at least are on the same page with alot of the matters associated with her dad moving in. Examples of the requirements would be:

Providing me proof of income from Medicaid/Medicare
Providing me a plan for when/if this fails
Providing me a time to have a zoom meeting with any other involved family members.
Her sharing the room with her dad
Providing me a list of her roles/task with our family
Defining what "failure" will be

Etc. etc..

She has agreed to provide these details. She has said that most likely he will be transferred out of state to either her brothers or stepmoms state where there are more nursing facilities. She continues to say that she just wants to spend some time with her dad before he goes.

I don't see her allowing hospice into the situation. I see this failing fairly quickly and then having to move him out...my main concern right now is having a solid back up plan for when it does fall apart, and then having counseling setup for myself, my wife and then the kids.

I made her well aware that if her income does not meet a certain amount, then FIL is moving out and she will need to find a job that matches her last employer. She is fully capable of working as a nurse, from home or in a medical office. She has student loans for her nursing degree that need to be paid off, and so that will not be left entirely on me. And if she has the endurance to take care of her father, then she can definitely go out and get a job.

I asked her when exactly is her dad getting discharged, and she said she doesn't know yet. One of the requirements in the contract was that I be included in any current and future dialog with the hospital, medicaid/medicare, social workers, etc etc.. I also requested all previous correspondence with those people, as well as with her other family. I will be recording the zoom meeting with her family, and I'm going to be putting them on notice since they need to be involved and start carrying some of the weight of their father. If they don't want any involvement, I'll get a record of that, and they are no longer involved in anything to do with him. We have been dealing with him for the past 3 years, and no one has done anything.

I have asked my wife what HER dad WANTS, not what she wants..And she stated that he wants to spend time with his family and grandkids..I know that he doesn't enjoy being in a nursing home where he never gets any visitors, but he also needs to realize the burden he is putting only on his daughter and her family.

Our 14 year old is flying out for Xmas to see his Dad and family, so he will have a good time. I've already told him that he will NOT be sharing a bedroom with his grandad, and he was excited. Like I mentioned, we have a large house, and I can make him a bedroom out of my office, while I finish out the attic space. It really just needs sheetrock and paint, already has lighting, fan, heating/cooling, etc..we will make it work. Best part is, my wife will have to help out with that, as that has been our plan since we bought the house.

Anyways, I hope everyone has a great Xmas..thank you all for your post, comments and advice..I really appreciate it.

You do not need to reply to each response. Read the responses and have one big reply.

Just a thought here. Is Dad capable of saying what he wants? Really, a feeding tube and a trach, are they taking him over a hump or prolonging the inevitable. IMO the man is dying. What I may do is bring him to your house on Hospice. If he is on hospice, the feeding tube will be easier to remove and maybe the trach too. Not sure if they can remain in when on Hospice. Something you can ask. Medicare pays for Hospice care. No, wife cannot get paid. But his supplies will be paid for, prescriptions. He will get a hospital bed. An aide 2x or so a week to bath him. You can see how many hours they allow. A nurse to check in a couple of times a week.

Seems your wife needs this to help with some childhood trama. Maybe prove to herself that her father loves her. She just needs to hear those words. Really, with all thats wrong with him, I doubt if he is going to live much longer. Another stroke may do him in. Seems something she needs. Maybe she will agree to Hospice coming in.

If your State Medicaid will pay your wife $30 an hour, 40 hrs a week, you have good Medicaid. This usually is not the case.

I think at this point you need to give in. Your last post says that allowances can be made. Maybe tell her you will agree if Hospice is allowed to come in. If they can give you an aide for more than an hr, thats her down time to spend with you and the kids or just relax. If Dad has any money, hire someone to sit with Dad while u do something as a family, Maybe she will settle down just knowing he is near by and she is caring for him. Tell her that with him there, it should give her time for her kids. Dad does not need her all the time. Have boundries. Time for compromise even if not 50/50.

I would talk to the doctors seeing FIL. Ask what his prognosis is. Ask about Hospice. If they agree, they see no hope for Dad. I think all this will be easier when your aware that ur FIL has limited time on this earth. That this won't drag on for years. You wife needs this.

Kryptoid, as you’re allowing wife to bring dad to your home so your marriage doesn’t fall apart, you are also electing to share in the responsibility.

She has doctors appointments, there’s only you to watch dad.

Shes watching dad, so you’ll have to go shopping for his diapers, pads and prescriptions.

She just wants you to roll him so she can clean the bed or him without being injured herself.

So, then, accept that you are agreeing to be a shared partner in what will be through the end of this man’s life, as versus a one month max where she does everything all by herself.

Iggie, because he has a trach and feeding tube, he may be eligble for NURSING services.

Kryptoid, so your States IHHS (in home health) will pay her for 40 hrs of caregiving a week @ $30 hr? Essentially your State pays for a living in the home caregiver doing a full time 40 hr work week = $ 1,200 b4 taxes???

That is way w…a…y unusual, cause if the person is assessed to need full time care that tends to mean they need to be in a facility that have 24/7 observation. Most States run IHHS with a max # of hrs allowed to be in the 32 hr range. However there are a couple of areas that go above this, like NYC, as costs of care in a facility are higher and availability limited, so doing in home is the more cost efficient path for the State and they can bring in 2 caregivers if need be as they can’t go into overtime.

FilL assessment is the key as to what the State will allow.

Also imo y’all should look into getting him on hospice if he can be deemed eligible. Hospice is 100% MediCARE. It will provide someone coming in for 3-5 hrs 2-3 times a week. Wife will have to butt out of what hospice does as they run their own show so to speak. That might be an issue for her, both for having others providing care (ruins her “only I can do” this illusion) & she would have to accept he’s terminal.

My empathy for your 14 yr old. Getting kicked out of his room over the Holidays and in middle school. That sux’s for him & big time. Redo that 20 x 20 attics space for the kid & asap.

I hope you have a plan for when she becomes overwhelmed & cracks.

Considering this situation will be ongoing for 3 YEARS come February, it's a miracle you're still married and carrying on the identical conversation that's yet to be remedied! I can't imagine the stress your children have witnessed the past years, listening to this crisis going on in their home between their parents. It's amazing your FIL is still alive, too, and also sad in a way too, that your wife feels this "terrible care" he's gotten in the SNFs is to blame, yet here he is, still ALIVE. What am I missing here? If you're in the USA, "all" the nursing homes in your area aren't horrible, let's face it. And the thought of having a grandpa THIS ill expected to share a room with ANY child is ludicrous to me. That child is likely to witness their grandfather die in front of them, and all for WHAT? Your wife's desire to be Florence Nightingale to him at her children's expense??

Then there's the matter of the wife's income loss that's likely to force you to file bankruptcy! This situation is not doable and too big a burden for your family to bear. You have to put your foot down hard here, the way I see it, or you stand to watch everything shatter. Your wife is being unreasonable here, plain and simple. She'll need to figure out where else she can take her father outside of the family home to care for him, if she insists on doing so. I guess you'll also have to sell your home since you can no longer afford to live there without her income. She's single handedly chosen to destroy your family's lives with one poor decision!

I'd go speak to a divorce lawyer immediately if I were you. This is not teamwork going on here, but horrible selfish decisions your wife is making that border on mental illness, imo. Who ignores their family's well being in favor of a bedbound elder who's got a trach and is on a feeding tube? Her delusion that she can care for him alone at home when she can't even manage to work her paid JOB is the real issue here.

I am truly sorry for the nightmare your family is being subjected to here. My condolences on all of your losses.

Kryptoid:

Something to consider (in addition to Beatty's excellent suggestion)--

Maybe just stop objecting. "Gee, maybe you CAN handle this, honey. I guess you've got all the logistics figured out. I just wonder how the kids are gonna get cared for in all of this. But I'm sure you've got a plan for that. Sounds daft to me, but my job is just to make money. So have at it".

Maybe without pushback, she will be able to admit defeat.

Kryptoid, you don't want to divorce. That is clear.

Your post just now highlights how you are thinking of EVERYONE in this. Your needs, your wife's need (her guilt issues) your children & FIL's needs too.

However, your wife still has blinkers on - is focused on HER needs only right now. It LOOKS like caring for FIL.. but it may have been kinder for FIL to have end of life conversatiions. For him to decide (if he can) to have or avoid feeding tube & trach. All this saving him in her own home is HER issue driven by HER guilt (based on HER faulty thinking based on trauma). It is good she is starting to see that.

If no good solutions exist, choose the least bad one.

Allowing this 'compromise' for a month.. maybe it IS the least worst.. when you factor in avoiding restraining orders & divorce as priorities. It also gives you zero regrets. Gives your Wife zero leverage to claim you killed her FIL (a real possibility that will destroy your marriage).

A third choice?

Another choice could be have FIL returns to the Nursing Home. Wife can sit bedside there from 7am til 11pm, providing all his personal care needs within the scope of a 'visitor' not an RN. She will be frustrated. Probably rub the staff up wrong. But - can advocate for better care.

On the positive:
1. Your children get to keep their own beds & bedrooms.

The negatives:
1. The children lose a Mother. Until FIL passes. Replacing her care of the children will be costly, with daycare or nanny.
2. No income for your Wife.

If you decide to let FIL in for a month, that's ok. You don't have to think it's backing down or giving in. Call it simply making the LEAST worst decision you could at the time.

Remember you can change track at any time.

Oh boy, so many posts..and so little time..I've been trying to finish up work, shop for xmas/xmas eve dinner, pick up some last minute gifts, etc. etc...I'll try to update everyone individually..but i will say thank you to everyone who has chimed in. I will say this..

This is a very intricate situation..and I don't think my posts are really providing every detail on what is going on...there is a lot to this story..and I'm realizing that my wife's childhood trauma has a lot to do with it. She has a tremendous amount of guilt associated with leaving her father in a nursing home. Where we live, there are really no nursing homes for long term care, and the ones that do exist are really awful. She is correct that the care he has received has been down right horrible. She is correct that he will probably die very soon if he stays in these homes. Is that a bad thing? If it was me, I would have had a talk with the dad about removing the feeding tube and passing gracefully. But that is their decision.

Many people are suggesting divorce. And divorce will occur if it has too. Things change in marriages, but we have always had a great relationship, have worked hard together, and have built a beautiful family. She is a very good person, she has taught me to not be so negative, and to not talk badly about anyone, which I sometimes have a habit of doing. She is very helpful to others..we have a neighbor who is 80 years old, and needs help every now and then, and my wife is always willing and able to help. I guess her biggest problem is setting her priorities..now let me try to explain HER reasoning for doing this..

My wife is very smart..she knows that his time is coming to pass. She does not want him to pass in these nursing homes, I don't know how she will handle that if it happened. She knows that she will not be able to take care of him..while he may get better care in our house..he will probably get neglected somewhat over time. I want to share a couple quotes directly from her, and maybe that will help give some insight into the situation better.

"Plus I have some emotional baggage that I need to put to rest before my dad dies that is affecting each of my relationships. "

"I’m saying it’s killing me and if I don’t try a last Hail Mary, that our family is already ruined "

So...she basically is saying that she has to do this or our family is ruined...so what are my options.. One, refuse the discharge, and get a divorce..or two allow him into our house, and hope for a miracle. She will most likely get burned out, get sick, and then I'll be the one picking up the slack. He will end up back at the retirement home, and now we are at square one. I think I'm screwed either way, and that is just the hand that I got dealt.

To touch back onto divorce. I went through a horrible divorce from 2014-2017, 3 year custody battle. tens of thousands of dollars spent on both sides...and what was accomplished? absolutely nothing. court orders are not enforceable in our state, so every time the order was broken, you end up back in court where the judges do absolutely nothing. I've gone down this road, and I promised myself before I ever met my current wife that I would never do it again, as it nearly killed me. The mothers have the rights in our county, I know at least 6 other dads that went through the same exact thing as I did, some spending 250k on lawyers. So it's really easy to say, oh go get a divorce and start that process..it will be so much better for the kids...and all it is will be another gamble. You can document all you want, submit all the evidence you could imagine..but that won't change the outcome. It would be better for me to keep the kids in the house, and just keep them busy with school and extra curricular activities and then we can go on weekend trips to friends and family.. Mom will have to stay at home with FIL..and life goes on. Is that the best option? I don't know..is getting 50/50 custody with her better, NO!

I’m shocked by Freshi’s long double-barrelled answer, particularly as Freshi is caring for ‘someone’ who is already in a care facility.

1) ‘Money is the issue or isn’t an issue’ – 'think separately'. Married couples plan house purchases, new babies, employment options, etc etc, around money. ‘Separately’ is rarely an option.

3) If ‘sick leave was completely caused by 2-day care for her dad’, quitting the care for dad, not ‘quitting job to focus on home care’, is what’s logical and reasonable. She didn't need sick leave after every 2 days at work.

3) Many many nurses have posted how the job is easier than home care - less emotion involved plus going home to your own life after work. No it’s NOT ‘a bit contradictory at reasoning level’. It’s already been explained many times.

4) Sure, kids share rooms all the time. However I have NEVER heard of a 14 year old being expected to share a bedroom with an incontinent old man who needs regular diaper changes.

Freshi, your ‘someone’ is in care, so your experience is limited. Even more limited if you aren’t on a tight budget and don’t have small children. Your idea of thinking logically’ is your own ‘want’, not your own ‘need’.

I am confused, is FIL there now? Has he been there then back in the hospital.

The feeding tube alone I would not care for my Dad. I also would not be changing his diapers. Now a trach , no way would I care for him but then she is a nurse.

Your wife does not have to be a Nurse working in a hospital. There are insurance companies that hire RNs to go over claims. My daughter is sort of a Salesman now using her expertise.

So sorry you are going thru this. Its a shame she is allowing her children and you to suffer for a man who seems at deaths door.

Kryptoid,
It sounds like she is being completely driven by guilt. I wonder what has brought this on? Has she recently found religion or changed churches? Or does she have a new friend who is maybe judgmental? I've had more than one friend inform me "I will never put MY parent in one of those places!" Yet, each of my friends who makes that statement
a. Never spent much time around a sick elderly grandparent and has NO IDEA what is involved
b. Never spent any time around elderly people in a NH environment

I think your wife made the "one month" comment to save face, as someone or something has maybe helped her to see that it is going to be difficult as heck.

Whatever you do, DO NOT ever cave in and help in any way or the "just help me with this" floodgates will open.

Quietly do some research on other nursing homes within a 100 mile radius of you because she will NOT be able to handle him and she will be counting down the days to send him elsewhere.

Kryptoid, reading all of your responses I would encourage you to make your wife put her plan of action, timeline and her compensation beliefs in writing to you. I would make her put in writing how she is going to deal with the hazardous waste and bodily fluids from her endeavour. Leaving dirty diapers on the floor is what a slovenly pig does and she has already proven she thinks she is to good to throw them out. Get it all in writing. Everything, including housewife and mother chores. Sorry, grieving only gets you so much compassion, she is pushing too far, there are other much more vulnerable lives at stake here.

This makes her see what she is asking and doing. It, also, serves as a legal document in the event you end up in divorce court you aren't paying her spousal support. Because she will obviously do whatever it takes to get her own way and she will cry she can't work and you must help her. I have seen tactics like this from women that were setting their husbands up to get fleeced in divorce, so cover you and your children's back on this.

I would encourage you to have the two little ones share a room and give the teenager his own room. Being a teenager is hard enough without living in a room with a dying person. If anyone should share a room with grandpa it is your wife. No comprise on that one, even if you have to share a room with the little one's, the 14 yo freshman gets his own space.

Honestly, I would never marry a person that would put their own children in this kind of situation. Her actions are reprehensible towards her 14 year old, what picking a deadbeat dad wasn't enough punishment, now he gets booted to said deadbeat because she has guilt. Has she always had self-centered characteristics?

I am totally serious in protecting you and you children for divorce. May you never need it but, if you do, you will be ever so thankful to have it. Pictures are good too. We always say, documentation is salvation in court! Then we do everything in our power to avoid the courtroom, all while documenting everything.

Prayers sent for your family and yourself. This must feel like a lead balloon in your head and heart and on your children. May she see the light before she does irreparable damage to all.

I have no advice for you, just wanted to say I really feel for you and the children. Her poor son being pushed out of his room...and house to accommodate her father. I have no words.

You do know at the end of one month (and I am betting more like the end of the first week) when she realizes this is too much it will also be your fault...if you just did this or that to help it would all work out. We hear that one all the time with posters who took in an elder then are upset that their siblings are not willing to give up their lives to support the OPs actions.

I was going to suggest leaving for a couple weeks with the kids but if you do end in divorce that might not work in your favor. Maybe tell her she is free to go and care for her father but not under this roof, this home is for your children. In the meantime, get all your financial ducks in a row just in case this goes to worst case scenario.

Kryptoid, with regard to what I wrote earlier--your wife saying "let me try this for a month" being the best compromise you're going to get out of her" in no implies that I think moving FIL is a good idea.

When it comes to care of the elderly, there are no "good" choices. There is only the "least worst"--the choice that does the least harm to everyone's life.

If FIL is still in the hospital (it sounds like THEY are reluctant to discharge him home) I agree that informing the discharge planners that the home is inadequate for his care could be a good move. Here, they would send out an OT to assess the situation.

Has anyone looked into Board and Care homes?

Marriage and bringing up children together has so much more to do with communication, compromise and compassion than it has to do with "love". Love is not going to triumph here; it sadly looks to me like separation, if not divorce is a foregone conclusion.

I am so sorry, kryptoid. Could you place a call to Social Services for an emergency intervention?

At a minimum, perhaps they can steer you in a direction, such as a restraining order that BurntCaregiver mentioned or something else that can help. If nothing else, with you having minor children in the home, they may require your wife to move out to take care of her father.

Also, get a family lawyer or a divorce lawyer as soon as you can. Maybe a lawyer might have a free consultation because this is an urgent/emergency situation.

Go to the courthouse in your city or town and ask about getting a restraining order against your wife. Explain to them that your wife is planning on moving her completely invalid father from the nursing home where he lives into your home against your will and wishes. Let them know that this puts the health and safety of your children at risk.
I would be very surprised if you are refused a restraining order from the court. They will grant it. What will end up happening is your wife will have to vacate the home for which in my state is 90 days. Your state may be different. During that time she will have to find a temporary place to live herself. Also there will be court-ordered counseling and family therapy because of the kids.
This may be exactly what she needs to regain her sense.
You have legal rights and do not have to tolerate this insanity because your wife wants to play Mother Teresa. No you don't. You have kids to think about and clearly your wife does not think about them.
Please visit the court house and file for a restraining order. Do not even give your wife an opportunity to bring your FIL home on a temporary basis for a month. She needs to be forced out of the house for a while to get her head together. It's for her own good. Please do it today.
If I were you I would have a consultation with a divorce lawyer. Your wife clearly has no respect for you or the kids on any level. This is obvious by her actions. File for a legal separation first. Ask for child and spousal support. Leave her with nothing. That will give her time to re-assess her priorities. I'm sure removing a bedridden invalid from a nursing home so she can care for him herself, will suddenly go very low on the priority list.

I have read the updates. I am shaking my head & feel so very sorry for your situation.

Divorce, temporary separation, therapy, patching it up (if able) will all take time.

You need action & help now.

I can't get past the basic logic/respect of this: TWO adults (you & she) share the home. If you say NO to Dad moving in, then he just shouldn't. Wife is not listening. So bypass her now.

Call the hospital where Dad is. Talk to the someone with authority regarding his discharge plan. Start with the Nurse in Charge or ask if they have a Social Worker.
Explain he will NOT be accepted to your address by yourself. Not by medical transport, not by taxi. Inform that you want this on the record as it may be needed for court.

Make it crystal clear: Dad is NOT to be discharged to your address.

I realise it is not a legal requirement of a hospital to ensure where a patient is taken after discharge. (Patient can walk out saying they will stay with a relative & jump on an interstate bus, go to a hotel.. could return to their hoarder house).

Legally I guess they can allow your wife to collect her Dad & then she is responsible for him. Where she takes him in her car or medical transport is up to her.

But. By speaking up, this may enact some MORAL brakes. Surely no staff member wants to discharge an old, sick man into such a fraught family domestic situation?

I wondering how much threat could be used?

As in.. "I have told my wife we cannot look after her Father in our home. I am informing the hospital today I will not be accepting him into my home. I am seeking legal council on this matter now".

"If I find my FIL has been discharged to my home against my will - has been brought home by my wife when I am out/away at work etc, I will call EMS to have him immediately transported back to THIS hospital."

"For the sake of this sick, old man, who I do care for, I want him to have a safe discharge plan. NOT to be thrown into this domestic situation".

"If my wife chooses to care for him, she can. But she must find an alternative address to do so in. There are children that will be greatly effectly by this also".

"I strongly request a family meeting with a Social worker before any discharge plans are made to ensure they do not harm my Father in law or children".

Tough love.

It's that or you give in. Trial the month.

Such a big issue. I think I'd sleep on it for a night if I had time.

Thank you so much for coming back to update us! What's happened is what you figured would happen. Please keep us updated as the saga continues. All of us hope that your wife comes to her senses during the trial month and realizes she can't manage her F's caregiving needs. But then if she can't, won't it be difficult to get him admitted somewhere (unless of course he gets hospitalized)?

Please keep us updated.

Talk about going around in circles. Do not give in about him moving in for a month because you know damn well that once he moves in he will be staying.

I can't believe your wife thinks dad sharing a room with your 14 year old is a good idea. Your wife sounds mentally ill. What happens to the 14year old if he leaves and moves in with his bio dad? What if that creates a downward spiral in his life and he gets into things he might not have gotten into if he didn't have to leave because of your wife? It is obvious she doesn't care about what this is doing to her child either.

I really don't know how you get past what she is doing even if dad never moves in. She refuses to work now so all the financial burden falls on you. What a mess.

Where is your FIL at the moment?

The fact that she says "let me try this for a month" sounds like she is beginning to realize that this might be a terrible idea. She does realize that you won't be helping, right? That you'll be working much overtime to compensate for her lost wages? And that all the childcare will be on her.

Your wife sounds like she could use some mental health help. She is not dealing with reality, but it does't sound like she has the ability to step away from her guilt.

Is her dad able to be left alone? What is her plan for emergencies? Is her dad eligible for hospice services?

If she tries,, she will crash and burn. It will be sad, but she will feel better having tried. It may be the only compromise available to you. She may need to prove to herself that it can't be done.

I can't see how your family and friend's opinions come into this at all.

Krypton, I think you need to be short and blunt with your wife. The day she brings him home is the day you and the children under your custody leave and you file for sole custody with her half of CS calculated by her income as an RN.

It is either that or she finds a studio apartment that she can live with her father alone.

Lots of sympathy. You don’t want a divorce, you want a magic wand to wave over your wife’s crazy head, and magic wands are in short supply. Here are some suggestions, none of them good.

1) It sounds as though your 14 year old is your wife’s biological child, and the two younger ones are the product of your own marriage. It might be a good idea to contact your 14 year old’s father, and check if he can take in his son. Even if it’s temporary, it might help in this dreadful impending crisis.

2) You wife’s ex knows her well. If you contact him, he may have useful suggestions. Even a shoulder to cry on might help you! You will need to be frank with him anyway, to explain why his son needs help.

3) Is it possible to work on a time-limited trial run for FIL’s return? W may find quickly once more that she can’t do it.

4) Can you get FIL assessed for Hospice? It might help, even just to get a professional comment on how long he is likely to live. For Hospice to be implemented, FIL would need a discussion about end-of-life care and a DNR. Your W has such strong views that he may never have had the opportunity to think it through. The discussion needs to be ‘private’ with the Hospice assessor, so that W can’t intervene.

5) You are very close to a divorce situation. Getting back from this to a loving relationship will be very difficult. It would be a good idea to consider divorce now, including the financial implications, living arrangements (possible house sale), how you feel about custody, and getting legal advice about all this. You are of an age where you may remarry, don’t forget that.

I hope that things resolve themselves quickly, and send you my heartfelt sympathy. Margaret

I am so sorry to hear your situation and have no straight answer. I can only share with you my own view point for the similar situation. If I decide to help my parent in my house because he/she needs it desparately and no better way available, my husband has two options: support or divoice, since my ill parrent is the weakest person who deserves protection. Once he agrees and shows the support, then we can always talk about details or changes step by step as time goes on, which we did it together for my parent. I appreciated his help so much and later I helped his family member at our house.

Mom knows kids need protection, that's why she wants her dad move in, perhaps she has more time with kids this way. She didn't run away. If she goes to work, she can't stay home with kids 24/7 anyway.

Oh..one more thing, i ran out of characters.

So, she has stated today "Let her just try for a month" and if it doesn't work out, she'll move him back into a nursing home...so I don't think that's a full on compromise, but more of her sort of giving in.. now, i know it's not going to work, not even for a week..

What is a fair compromise? is that even possible in this situation?

I have an update finally, thanks to everyone who has been following along and commenting. I'll try to reply to each post to answer any specifics, but let me get a quick update.

So, my wife's Dad ended up going in and out of the hospital a couple times since Oct. Dehydration, pneumonia, covid, UTI's..he was put on a ventilator, and somehow recovered..my wife put the blame on the nursing homes, and pretty much ended the option of going back. She also put the blame on me as well, since I didn't allow him to move in sooner..and it took her about a day or so to come back around from that fight. Once she checked him out of those NH facilities, I knew that he would have no where else to go but our home. My wife has been sick as well, her health has not been the greatest..been to her endocrinologist, rheumatologist, etc. etc.. going into her health would be a whole other post, but in the end, she's not dying..but it seems she would get fatigued after working 7 or 8 days straight at her nursing job. So, about 3 weeks ago..she up and quits her job, without asking me..just says she can't do it, she doesn't want to do nursing anymore, BUT she is willing to die for her invalid father who now has a trach..and his condition has not really improved. With her quitting her job, it has put incredible strain and stress on our finances, especially right before Xmas. Her communication with me on this is nonexistent, and that's because she knows how I feel about the entire thing. I ended up doing some counseling, but had to quit that because I can't afford it..it seemed to help, but I have been using a couple family friends for my mental health.. My wife has chosen her ailing father over myself and our kids, and my heart has been crushed. I love my wife, and I know that she will not be able to do this, and will most likely get really sick, and then I will be taking care of her. She does not want to compromise at all, and she is ready for a divorce as that seems to be the only way for me to not live with her father. I don't want a divorce, I feel horrible for my 5 year old..he is an amazing child and very lovable..Her other family hasn't done jack shit as expected..i even called her brother and asked him straight up if his dad can move into their home, and he bumbled around but basically said NO...but I dont' blame him, the idea is just insane. My wife also says she will be getting paid $30 an hour for 40 hours a week to take care of her dad, but I have not seen anything to prove any of that. Everything I've read from others, seems like that would not be the case..and I could agree that it seems pretty far fetched.. So now my wife has been spending his meager SS $ on stuff that has nothing to do with him, so she is financially irresponsible. She purchased some cheap furniture, and some other crap that she had delivered to the house, and that pretty much confirmed that he would be moving on in. I guess she plans on making our 14 year old share a room with him..he is very upset about that, and has stated that he will move to his dads..i dont blame him..im hoping the dad will accept him. So now the time has come, either get the divorce or let him move in and let her burn out... Once she moves him in against my wishes...my family and friends will know what she has done, and then resentment will be directed at her from all angles..and that will pretty much kill any of our marriage that is left..once your family and friends feels a certain way about your spouse, well..its' really hard to stay with them at that point..you know once you know how they really feel.. the whole thing sucks..im depressed, stressed, anxiety higher than ever..but she just doesn't care about me or my mental being..she is playing the victim..and saying things like "well if I knew how you felt about the elderly, i wouldn't have married you". but she is missing it..it's not that I dont care about her dad..im not a mean, cruel person...but I put my family first,

Yes, would be nice to know how things are going.

Marybost - my daughter is an RN and is almost making 6 figures. Sometimes she has made more than her husband. When he went back to school to get certification, she supported them for 2 years. So, it is very likely that OPs wife makes half of their yearly income. Losing it would be a big thing.