An update after my last post: ultimately, I just grit my teeth and pushed forward to get mom
and dad moved into their new place. Mom
was outright hostile the last two days, and now the house, while empty of the things they took with them to the new apartment, is full of the things she wanted to sell. My partner wants no part of this and we have agreed on a plan, but I woke up this morning in a panic with guilt at getting rid of the things she thinks are valuable but won’t sell at a sale. Hiring people is out of the question. They’re not going to be able to pay their rent in June if we don’t sell the house fast. Dad wanted out come hell
or high water and mom wasn’t honest about how much cash on hand they have and now they’re in it deep financially.
For those who cleaned out their parents home, how did you handle the guilt that they put on you? How did you go about the liquidation in a removed way, especially if your parents are still living and have the ability to get to the home, but can’t mentally or emotionally separate from the things that have carried them through life so long?
To be clear: we took many many items to the new place that they have neither space for or need for out of compassion for both the emotional attachment and the perceived need of the item. The apartment is packed to the gills and mom was panicked at the boxes that kept coming in her door on moving day.
My partner and I are alone to do this job, and I will be forced to throw things away… I’m struggling to detach, I guess.
You know you are close to losing loved ones and all the memories that makes them who and what they are/were.
You don't have energy to waste on such self-accusations.
It is on your parents that they have not downsized their lives, and that they haven't the funds to make the next payment on rent (which doesn't bode well for the future, by the way). It's not on you and it's not your fault.
That handled, on to the task at hand. I would call estate sale companies and ask if they will handle the clearing and sale for what profit they can make out of it. Or if they know any company that will. Then I would call hauling places and find out the same.
Saving stuff gets ridiculous. I am 81. None of this stuff is going to my grave with me. And my daughters are already up to their eyeballs in their own stuff. There's no one who has more useless worthless "stuff" than Americans. In San Francisco it is out on the streets free to the extent you could furnish a studio and supply your kids with toys for a year.
The storage company lockers in this country should be a lesson to us all. But somehow they aren't. We just keep getting them, paying for them, and filling them with stuff no one wants or will ever use again.
For me I would call 1-800-junk and have it cleared. But that's me. I have already cleaned up my own mess so that there will be little for my daughter to have to address. I was brought up by parents who did the same for me.
I love a piece that the brilliant Annie Dillard wrote--and I can't remember it exact--but it went something like "We live our lives as though hundreds of thousands haven't lived before us, and as though there were not hundreds of thousands yet to come".
That is so true. We imagine we are more than a blink of the eye. We aren't. Get rid of it. You may find yourself strangely made lighter.
And yup, we always think that someone must care that Great Aunt Irma's cut glass cheese dish, which still rings like a bell, is somehow still valuable to anyone (it isn't; the young don't collect, they game and play on the ipad), or that someone will pay for it (they won't; they never heard of cut glass).
So, we agree: the most practical and easiest route for family would be to call GOT JUNK (or a local equivalent, which might be less expensive) to come in and CLEAR OUT our relatively compact, single-story residence. It would probably take them about 4-6 hours. We will be conspicuously absent even if we're still on earth. With any luck, there will be earmarked funds (ours) to pay for it. Problem solved!
About the guilt: After the five plus years that it took both of my parents to die, and the undue burden that they put on me, including their health and multitudes of legal problems, two homes and an apartment full of junk, offices and attics filled with things that hadn't seen the light of day in 60 years, I had no guilt. I was angry that they'd gone about their happy lives of horrendous accumulation without a care as to who would deal with this when they were no longer around. Five years of servitude to them plus five more years of dealing with their tangle of property, business, lies, legal issues and possessions cured me of guilt. Having no life of my own because of them was hard to bear for all that time, especially when I had health and other serious issues of my own to manage.
I advise you to get angry. It works wonders.
The dumpster drops at the house tomorrow. Today we start making piles.
Thanks for recognizing, as many of you have, the deep difficulty of this. Just because people are toxic and horrible doesn't mean we haven't been conditioned to love them.
Most important. I simply put any feelings of sadness or guilt on a shelf never to be removed.
We haven't looked back. Not going that way. Your parents won't either once settled.
Another thing that will be beneficial is estate sales companies will straight out tell you if there is anything worth selling. This may mean a large dumpster in the front yard but, done is done and there are no options for this situation, it must get done rapidly.
Your mom now has her hands full with everything in her new home, so, don't bring up the sale or items or anything from her previous home. If she asks for something specific, tell her it's in one of the boxes at her apartment and move on to a different topic.
Best of luck getting the house cleared and sold with minimal upset for everyone. It is just stuff after all.
It’s a rock and a hard place, partly of my own making, sadly.
I tried to get someone to do an estate sale on what was left in the house. I got the feeling the companies weren't interested unless the paintings were by Monet and the furniture had sat in Buckingham Castle.
Got a great idea from someone here on the forum, to swap out things. I looked around my own house to see what I could swap out for something of my parents. Now I have most of their table lamps, and I donated mine. Got some of Dad's bookcases which he handmade. Pudding bowls now hold paperclips. And my parents unusual bookends are now holding up my books :)
For the furniture, called in Goodwill and the Salvation Army. Anything left over, used a local hauling service. Expensive glassware and jewelry went to a hospital yearly rummage sale. I still have an early 1900 encyclopedia, heavens knows what to do with that, as my 3 or 4 year old self took to drawing on the pages.
You just do it. No emotions no sentimentality, you just do it. If those boxes are things she just bought, send them back unopened. Keeping track so you know if Mom gets a credit. The quickest way to get rid of stuff is an estate sale. You can hire someone to get it all set up and they take a % of the sales. You go in ahead and get the trash and clean out the junk. Estate sales bring in more money than yardsales. Anything left over, you give away to Thrift stores. You takeva room at a time.
Its almost April, June will be here before you know it, You need to roll up those sleeves and get it done. Tell Dad to keep Mom away from the house. You can put the house up for sale and clean out too.
The results were fantastic and it was well worth the expense! And the home sold within a week of going on the market.
I know it is awful to deal with, but it might help if you could separate yourself emotionally and not feel you have to hang onto things because your parents are trying to cling to the past. It’s all just STUFF.
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