I'm caring for MIL in my home. She has Parkinson's, dementia, and is incontinent. She is able to get around on her own to an extent with a walker if she has help. Mentally it's another story, she needs assistance with everything from meds to meals, reminding her to use the bathroom/change her Depends, and drink liquids, etc. I am tied down to the house when my husband is at work.
I am married, have a toddler, and am pregnant with my second child. It's a very rough pregnancy. My husband helps a lot when he is home, but I have absolutely zero help from the rest of his family (3 siblings). They say they "can't deal" with caring for MIL, even just for a day to give me a break. No one in his family will even let me (or him) talk when we try to have a discussion. They interrupt us, and seem to think that its my duty to do this. I've been told, "it's not any extra work for you" and "you don't do anything anyway because you are a stay-at-home mom" by his siblings.
We discussed adult daycare, but she has refused to go. (any advice on how to encourage a senior to go is much appreciated too! )
She has only been with us a few weeks. Previously was living with my sister-in-law, but that is no longer an option. Already, I feel EXTREMELY stressed out. At my latest OB appointment my previously good blood pressure and blood sugar (2 things that were issues for me in past pregnancy) were not so great. I've gone from an active healthy lifestyle to being mostly sedentary, not eating as healthy either. The smells associated with her incontinence trigger my morning sickness like you wouldn't believe.
I can't leave during the day to take my daughter to the park, or playgroup or anything. I told my husband that the sibling with medical/financial POA is going to have to pay for in-home help. So far it hasn't happened.
My husband promised his mom that she would never have to go to a home. I will add that I've helped my in-laws for 15 + years (FIL passed away a few years ago and was disabled) with absolutely no help from his siblings then either. I feel like the stress is putting my health at risk during my pregnancy. We did get a relative to agree to care for her when I have my c section later this year, but that's the only time anyone is willing to help.
Sorry this is so long. I feel like an awful person because I don't want to be a caregiver. I love my MIL. I'm a religious person, and I think there is some religious guilt going on here too for me, feeling like I need to care for others etc. I'm afraid of the changes I've seen in my health in just a few weeks of doing this, and terrified I could end up in preterm labor or some other complication from the stress. Not sure what the right thing to do is or how to communicate with a family that won't listen to what my husband or I have to say but who expect us to do all the work.
My husband and I had some conversations with his siblings, and MIL is now staying with another sibling while the family arranges long term care.
Thank you for all the helpful responses!
In what shape does he think he's going to find you at the end of a day of wiping kids' and a full grown woman's butt, not to mention washing them, shopping, cooking, cleaning house, helping with homework, planning birthdays and play dates with other children for socialization. How could you make the home life that he'd want to come home to? How can you be the cheerful person you'd want to be. How can you let those morons get away with saying you do nothing?
Also in your last paragraph you say that the family won't listen to what your husband and you have to say. You need to be very clear with your husband that the marriage will suffer and that he and your home come first.
Give a deadline to the sibling that has the POA. Don't discuss it. Just stick to, "I can't do it. You have a week". If they push back say, "I'm too sick, I've got to go", and hang up, not another word.
If you weren't Momma Bear before, NOW’S THE TIME.
Fight for your home and children.
If you haven't the oomph due to stress, a toddler, and pregnancy, (although sometimes protective Momma Bear juices flow even stronger at those times),then go to your church counselor/pastor, your doctor, a hospital social worker and possibly an abuse agency even just for advice. You can say that although you may be barking up the wrong tree could they direct you 'cause you're at your wits' end and don't know where to turn. Let them have a copy of what you posted on this site because your mental and physical health is at risk. Actually there's more at risk, but I'll get into that in a minute.
Not all good hearted people are saps, but those that are don't think realistically, and other people see those babies coming like radar. They know saps can be put upon because they know how their brain works… “Oh maybe they're right, I should help”, or “I can do a little more”, or “I can eat (cr-p) just a little more”, and “I know can do it 'cause I'm such a good person, and anyway someone is going to come and help out 'cause surely that's what I’d do”. NO they won’t help. You’re the someone that has to come to the rescue not even your husband, who should be running through walls to be the man and protect his own, not VOLUNTEER YOU to be his mommy's nannie. For cripes sake a pregnant woman with a child, a house, and such-a-man husband to take care of.
Just had a word come to mind - martyr. Are you one of those? Before I continue let's pause for a little joke I just remembered. Do you know the difference between a masochist and a sadist? A masochist says hurt me, hurt me. The sadist replies…No.
Maybe you enjoy this. What is it about killing yourself that is enjoyable?
Religious guilt? How does that even fit in any way shape or form here? Did you stick a turkey baster in MIL’s eye. Did you knock out one of the legs of MIL walker? Did you 'cause her harm. YOU DO NOT FEEL GUILT. You feel sad and bad about your MIL’s situation. Get a dictionary and look up the word guilt. I'm so tired of the misuse. You are the last person on this earth to be of any good. Instead you will make many things worse e.g. your children’s mental health, their personalities, physical health, education, your marriage, and you. What are you thinking? You are one of two precious linch pins in your family. Protect that.
When your man comes home let him 100% take care of his mother. What kind of Neanderthal did you hook up with? Be the matriarch. Grow a set.
Do you have family?
Pack a bag for yourself and your child and go there and don't go back 'till your husband man's up and puts his family first and gets mom back to POA sibling or anywhere.
My husband is not abusive in any way. We were put in a difficult situation, and he 100 percent supported me when i said that caregiving wasnt something i could do. It was the family who was being difficult. We were able to get past that obstacle by asking someone to help mediate the conversation.
The situation has already been resolved as i explained in the post right before yours.
Thanks for the helpful answers!
Can you have a professional caregiver come in for 1 or 2 days a week? You really need time for yourself.
It helps me when I take care of my needs first (personal hygiene, eating, etc.). I know things come up that need immediate attention.
I pray for patients almost every day. Don't forget the Lord can provide strength and peace for you and you mom.
I write from the patient's perspective. I was diagnosed with Early Onset ALZ almost 6 yrs ago. My diagnosis was changed to MidStages last April. I have a different perspective on caring for other family members. I developed this when our youngest child who is now 15 was born with a rare Metabolic Disease. Every bit of food given to her had to be weighed on a gram scale. All of her meds have to be weighed on a gram scale. Now she is in high school and is able to fix her own meals and meds. Her older brothers range in age from 40's to mid 20's. They were a big help when they were in Jr High and High School. They never had to be asked to help.
Go forward to now, I need a lot of help I stopped cooking when I am home alone, I stopped driving on my own 2 yrs ago.
Now, I make this about my advice to you the Caregiver. Number one, you are caregiver to your oldest child and when the new baby arrives, they become your first responsibility, simply because the baby will be completely dependent on you and your husband.
I believe that you will be shortchanging your children if you take on taking care of your mother in law. Now, if you husband is not working, he can be responsible for his mother. Should he be taking care of the children, and you want to help with your mother in law, good for you, but don't take her on as your primary responsibility. Enjoy caring for your children and husband. My opinion, I think it's time for MIL to be put in a SNF. My opinion, I hope my message was helpful. Prayers will be going up for you over Holy Week and Easter.
God Bless you,
John
I have been a 24/7 caregiver since 2008. it is so unfortunate that Disease can impact so many lives. I tell my wife really simple " we bought the ticket, so we are along for the ride ". I want to talk about you. First and foremost, you have to take care of yourself. If something happens to you then how can you help your mom? So, first you have to take care of yourself.
I have 4 sisters, as a 24/7 caregiver i manage my wife's care with medical professionals, and due to my wife's memory issues back in March 2005 i also have Power of attorney that legal document gives me the right to manage my wife's care. So, if you do not have one, do yourself a favor obtain it.
Next, choosing to be a 24/7 caregiver is a person's life decision. Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver, it takes a special person to step up and decide to be a caregiver for a loved one.
Next, as a 24/7 caregiver for your mom, when she has medical appointments, let them know you are your mom's 24/7 caregiver, and ask them what can i do at home to better take care of my mom and improve my mom's " Quality of Care" at home?
Next, time for yourself and your family. search online for "in-home care agencies" These are agencies that bill insurance for health aides to come in so many hours a week to take care of your mom giving you a break. As a caregiver, you need time for yourself. Use this time to plan stuff to do with your family.
Next, once you have looked at home health agencies online, and check the agencies online reviews also.
Also, taking your mom to an adult daycare, your mom feels more comfortable being at home, she feels safe at home. There are some areas that also have people that will just come to your home and sit/visit with your mom, giving you a break to do "all about you stuff ".
All caregivers cross the road of being stressed out as a caregiver, that's why you need those hours every week FOR you/family. I get 100 hours a Month of a health aide, and it is designed to give caregivers a break, so ask yourself, what if you had a health aide that many hours a Month every Month. That will make your caregiving so much easier, giving you that time to do the things you want to do.
Also, should your mom be hospitalized for whatever reason, you can also mention to the Physicians that you would like for your mom to go to a skilled nursing facility for some rehab, and Medicare does pay 100 % for up to 100 days for some rehab, giving you/family a much-needed break. Usually, rehab is only like a couple weeks. They will help your mom walk better with skilled nurses. But research the skilled nursing facilities near you, check the facilities reviews.
Being a caregiver can be very positive to where you enjoy your every day with your family.
I have two sisters that were caregivers to my mom. My mom lived with them, and when i would go over to visit them, and mom, it was happy times. what does your mom enjoy doing? does she like to watch tv, does she like to cook? How does she like to spend her day? Then plan fun things for her, us kids would always say " if momma is happy everyone is happy".
YOU are a special lady; your mom is very lucky mom to have you. Once your family can see how easy it can be to be a caregiver, then they just might be more comfortable with the idea "caregiving". When we have a loved one with a disease like MS, Parkinsons, that have no cure. It affects the whole family. Some family just cannot face it, and it takes a special person like yourself to say "I am my mom's 24/7 caregiver, and with some insight you can/will succeed.
Never be afraid to reach out to someone, if nothing more just to vent. Just remember "You" are special. Have a wonderful day.
Anyway, perhaps your plaintive post and my discriptive reply will be helpful for someone else who will not be as happily fortunate as you.
Congratulations to you on your speedy resolution.
Congratulations to me that I am still able to learn.
Sincere best wishes to you and your family in all things.