I have a 94yr old mom who has dementia/cognitive decline. I noticed little things began to get so difficult, even with the help of hired caregivers. I made the most difficult decision to put her in assisted living. Totally beautiful place with amazing people. Her own suite. Lots of help and activities and possibility of friendships.
I am the only one left. Lost my dad and sibling.
She's been there a few weeks and is not adjusting well. She thinks I hate her and begs me to go home, but it’s unsafe. I’m struggling so much mentally and so is my health. How do I cope? Is this behavior ever going to improve?
Combatting exhaustion/fatigue compounds or brings to light those G-U-I-L-T feelings. How did I deal with them?
While our situations are (were) different, I did the best I could in the moment.
Perhaps along the way, I realized I was doing the best possible job I could in a challenging situation.
In thinking about this vicious emotion (GUILT), I believe self-care needs to be a major consideration. Especially when most of us are giving, giving, giving with no or little renewal time.
What I feel at this moment is that I would like to wave a magic wand and take away your feelings of g-u-i-l-t and replace with ...
"I am loving my mother and doing the best loving gesture I can possibly do at this time in her life ... if it was possible to take away her angst and heartache, I would."
Give yourself a huge hug and acknowledgement for what you are doing.
Sometimes pain, hurt, discomfort (or always) are part of transitions of life and nearing the finality of life, it gets harder and harder. Unfortunately, these life changes are a part of life and, like grief (from my current experience) cannot be avoided or pushed aside. They are there and it hurts.
Perhaps the best we here can do is say "we understand" ... "we are with you" ... "you are not alone." ... And, you are an extraordinary daughter.
Gena / Touch Matters
Doing what's best for a person is love and that's nothing to feel guilty about.
What a person needs is often different than what they think they want. They may even hate you for it, but you won't hate yourself if you do the right thing.
I've dealt with tears, hysterics, and manipulation for years.
I don't allow guilt-tripping and no one else should either.
Just remember that you are doing the right thing. It will take her some time to adjust, and you as well. This is a new reality for both of you. I once asked a nurse how long it would take. She said in several months it would get easier. Just make sure that they don’t try to move her again to another room. That could be unsettling all over. Your Mom will eventually adapt as much as she can. Try not to worry so much and you should not call her every day in the beginning. She needs to make new connections with caregivers and others who live there. She definitely will not get lonely with all the people coming in and out every day. I would open an account so that you can order her favorite take out food once a week, and have someone put on her favorite tv shows/music each day. I would talk to their activities director to see if they could get her involved in something she may like. She will most likely always say, I want to go home. That’s very common and expected. Eventually, Her long term memory may be thinking of a different home. She probably will not remember what happened the day before as well. When you go to see her try to stay upbeat and positive. Bring her candy or something good to eat. Take her for a stroll in the wheelchair outside to get some fresh air and sun. It will help her mood. When she becomes better adjusted and knows that where she is now is her home, take her out for lunch. I would never take her back home with you. If she starts asking about family members that have passed away, just tell her that they couldn’t make it today. She will not remember asking you. It will probably be the same thing over and over each time you go to see her. Don’t get discouraged. Try and except that you have already lost a part of her. It will be different. Take care of you now. Get rest, eat well, enjoy your friends, church, reading, movies, and getting out of town for a bit. A change of scenery will really help you. Go on a tour of a place that you have always wanted to go. Your Mom is in good hands. The stronger and more connected your life is outside of your relationship with her, the better you will be able to deal with your emotions when you see her. Know that it will be a continuous transition. Sending hugs!
She needs to make a friend. A friend changes everything. Can you ask the people at the AL to assist and maybe help her find somebody she can connect with and share meals with? You can help that too by joining her in the dining room for meals and engaging others to try and make connections for her.
Until their family showed up or called. They would turn into entirely different people.
The incessant complaining would start, the crying, negativity, misery, and begging to go home. It was like flipping an on/off switch.
Your mother may very well be acclimating very well and even enjoying her new environment. The "performance" may be just that. A performance that is for an audience of one - YOU.
See if you can have someone that your mother doesn't know go to the AL and just observe her. They will be able to give you an honest assessment of how your mother is really doing in AL.
In the meantime, you can do two things. Stop visiting her or limit the visits for a while and reduce how often you call her. Then see hoe she acclimates
Or, continue calling and visiting as you do but set some boundaries. When she starts with the complaining and crying and begging to go home tell her that you will leave if your time together is just going to be begging to go home, crying, and complaining. Then get up and leave.
Your mother is never going to live outside of an AL or managed care facility for the rest of her life. So she will have to acclimate to it. You can help her with that by doing the things I've suggested here.
As for the guilt. You're doing that to youself. It's not because you have any reason to feel guilty or that you did anything wrong. You don't and you didn't. Your mother could not live at home anymore so you found her a beautiful AL where her care needs are being met and she can have a decent quality of life.
What better could you have done for her? No one has a time machine they can put an elder in that makes the young again and returns them to a period of their life that was good. You can't do that. No one can.
If you choose to beat yourself up with guilt for doing what's right, that's on you. Maybe a therapist can help you.