How do I be nice every darned day?

Call hospice. See if any qualify. They can come by & stay a couple hours taking care of their needs so they can stay in their home (the ones capable) & you can have that day off. It’s free, Medicare pays for it. It also covers supplies. I’d dump your bf. If it was him, he would want you to do the same for him. But he’s not supporting you, helping or being by your side. He’s another stealer of your time just for himself. If he was struggling with something would you be unsupportive to him? Doubt it. Teach the ones that qualify for assisted living that it isn’t so bad. Take them on a tour & show them the things they’ll like. They can have a social life & have fast easy access to care if/when needed. Handle the most desperate case first. Give it your all to set them up in a situation better than they have. Then when that’s done, tackle the next group. Categorize it instead of looking at the big picture which would overwhelm anyone. Look out for you to make things easier while they get the best for them too. This can be a win win for all. Good luck, you’re a superstar.

Five declining elders plus a business to run? Something has to give, and the longer you try to "be nice every darned day" that something is going to be your health and wellbeing.

Stop answering the sauerkraut and rye bread calls. Stop playing cards. Stop losing money that you will need for your future. As a final investment in your own health and wellbeing, pick up the phone, call a geriatric care manager, ask "how much to take on this bundle of 5 old people":
1 with dementia/Alzheimer's
1 with lifelong mental disability
2 with heart disease
2 with osteoporosis and related broken bones
2 with mobility issues
2 I'm moving across the nation because I just found out how dire their situation is

Whoever has money to pay their own way, they pay their own way. Whoever doesn't, it's time for Medicaid and a geriatric care manager can help with that and get them off your payroll. You are not obligated to go broke or mentally break for your relatives.

In my opinion, it is a bad idea for anyone to take on the responsibilities of caregiving for anyone - let alone 5 anyones - without having the *authority* to do so. That means durable power of attorney, both medical and financial. You can advocate for your relatives without breaking the bank and breaking yourself in the process.

Only 5 seniors and you are getting short! You must have the patience of Job. I have only my mother and my husband probably sooner than later. I'd have lost it long ago. I feel guilty with being short with my husband after his incessant talking for 4 hours. If I were you, I'd have been more than short a long time ago.

As others have previously written you have to get off the merry-go-round or you'll be in a facility. Caregiving of LOs has literally killed the caregivers before the LO goes. It almost did my mother in and she and my father (now deceased) lived in A/L. He wanted mom's help. He eventually moved into the SNF in the next building connected to A/L by long hallway and mom could visit him as many times a day as she wished. As for your grandfather - it's not unusual, some want to be alone when they die and wait for family/friends to leave.

Almost any one of the five have more needs than one person can give, much less than all together. I like what the one who said, treat it like a business plan is so right. You need a plan, you need to delegate - such as the facilities for LOs to live in. From that position you advocate and keep an eye out for them. While they are in the facilities you may still get the loony calls, but hopefully less of them if the staff is successful at their jobs. My MIL while living alone would call all three sons multiple times a day with the same question. When over at the house they'd find the questions written down throughout the house and throw them away once dealt with, but that didn't stop MIL - they get sneaky with their dementia - she got to where she'd hide one of them under the table cloth and continue to call with that question. Once they finally got her into A/L no more phone calls to the point the sons worried if something was wrong - nothing was wrong, the AL facility kept her so busy - sadly she only lasted 3 months at AL and died - they all felt it was the happiest time of her life since her husband's death many years earlier.

May God bless you and give you additional peace and patience as you navigate your world.

With your own responsibilities PLUS what you have on your plate taking care of others would be TOO MUCH for anyone. You are justified and normal to feel as you do and now is the time you MUST THINK OF YOU FIRST - Before you go down any more. These people have serious issues which require professional help and care. See if a doctor can prescribe any medication to "calm" them down a bit. Keep looking for the right places to end up - do not give in. There is also some dementia here and you know it will get worse, can't be fixed. Please place them as soon as you can and take care of yourself. No one should have to endure all of this.

Omgosh!
I’m exhausted just reading this.
It’s time to place several them somewhere otherwise WHO will take care of you?

You need to learn to set boundaries; realizing that you cannot 'run' on empty without feeling like you are falling apart, which you are.
* FIVE MINUTES
- Research on-line meditations, i.e., Rick Hanson is good, Greater Good is excellent. Many short visualizations / meditations available.
- Meditate on breath. Stop, sit down, focus on the space in-between the in and out breath.
* BE CLEAR, NOT MEAN
- Once you realize that you can set boundaries (on what you do and how much time you give to another), you will own your right to YOU / your time. Know what you want to do, express it "I can do xxx now... as this is a priority." ... "I cannot do that now." Period. Do not explain. Explaining is a way of dealing with guilt. Once you feel solid in yourself, you won't feel a need to explain. A simple "I do not have time now . . . I am busy now" is enough.
* SMALL RENEWALS
- Take a warm bath
- Get a massage (even feet massage is good - I am a massage therapist).
- Buy yourself a rose and sit and look at it.
- Commit to read a PEOPLE ? magazine or a few pages / chapter of a book.
- Learn to do nice things for yourself.
KNOW
* If you keep going on empty, you will burn out.
* What you are doing affects your health and well-being.
* You cannot take care / be available to another until you are first available to your own self-care.
THIS IS A PROCESS
* Being aware of your own needs and boundaries is new. It takes constant awareness - moment to moment.
* You are changing automatic behaviors and this requires commitment and talking nice to yourself.
- Learn to give yourself pep talks. "I love myself" . . . "I am doing good setting limits with others."
LEARN / SAY the Serenity Prayer
* I did that last week asking for the serenity to . . . asking for support and help is empowering and powerful. Continue to reach out.
JOURNAL
* Get a notepad and write, write, write.
* Buy yourself a DVD or CD (Music) that you like.

I am caring for my Dad and living in his home state. I understand your stress. If you are a Believer, prayer is an obvious solution. In addition, a friend told me about a free app called The Tapping Solution. I highly recommend you try it! It has helped me with stress, negative thoughts, and not being able to sleep well at night.
God bless you for honoring your loved ones through the gift of service.

You can't take care of everyone so if they can't stay in their own home with Home Health which a Nurse comes to check them out a couple times a month and a Therapist will come 2-4 times a month and an Aide to help with bathing 2-3 times a week.

If they need more, they would have to pay $10-$12 an hr to get someone to Care for them.

If they need more help, they'll all have to go into a Senior Home.

Prayers

Your idea of getting them all help and "running away" sounds great! Seriously, you need to have your own life while you are young and still can. I saw you are getting a "10-day vacation" ?

Excellent... take the first couple of days to rest and relax and think about nothing else.

Then take 2 days to figure out a permanent solution and the steps to make it happen, list each step with appropriate phone numbers, etc.

THEN, STOP thinking about all of them again, and spend the last 6 days enjoying yourself.... maybe walks, massage, hair, nails, treat yourself out to eat if you can (depending on your state... I'm in Florida, so the outside dining spots are great).

When you go back home, put your plan into effect. ( !! Really easy for someone else to suggest all this ) .... but ultimately it will be your decision. Just whatever you decide, do not second guess yourself. Take care and please report back along the way and let us know how you are doing !!

Sounds like you are trying to fit 10 pounds of work and caring into a 5 pound bag. No wonder you feel stressed and unable to be "nice."

Others may say this so I will as well, you need to take care of yourself first: 7-9 hours of uninterrupted sleep every day, 3 healthy meals at a reasonable pace, "time off the clock" daily and weekly to care for your needs (health, relationships, and stuff you enjoy). Don't forget to create enough time for work so you can fund your own retirement. Nobody will do that for you (I am working on getting this one covered at 58 years-old and re-entering work in health care).

Leftover time can be used to care for all the seniors in your life. You may already realize that you can not be a 24/7 caregiver (full time work negates full time caregiving); so don't feel guilty that this is not a viable option. The goals are that everybody is healthy and safe. Since aunt is not safe or healthy at home, she probably needs to enter a residential facility. If she is still in the hospital or rehab, ask social work to help you with a permanent placement for her because that is part of their job. All the parents need evaluation by their primary care doctor(s) for physical issues, mental health issues, and mental competency. Don't be surprised if their doctor(s) make referrals to neurologists and/or geriatric psychiatrists for more complete evaluations and care. Depending on your seniors finances and insurance, they may qualify for home health aides or residential care. If finances are inadequate, then they should apply for public aid/Medicaid.

It might be in your best interest to get all the seniors to a lawyer that specializes in family care to get wills, power of attorney for medical, and power of attorney for finances completed. The aunt who is mentally incompetent may need to have a legal guardian appointed by the court to take over her care. With the POAs, you can then help your seniors with decisions on care. Without the POAs and if they are mentally incompetent, they would each need a legal guardian appointed by the court to decide on their care. The family lawyer can help your seniors file for Medicaid or can direct you to senior services in your area for more help with this.

Oh Oh... time to get help ASAP. If you are the only person your relatives can depend on then steps to follow:

1. Find out if any of the relatives have a will or what arrangements they have for their care in the elder years which is now. No arrangements? Then contact a good eldercare lawyer who can tell you what you need to do to have POA or most likely guardianship of the relatives. Payment of lawyer will come out of what your relatives have saved up.

2. Time to find outside help if relatives want to stay home for care. If they refuse... then a nursing home will be the next choice.

3. Be firm with all of them. If you were not around... then what would happen to all the relatives ? hummm.. I bet they would be at a loss. Then the worst thing would be an outsider take advantage of the relative and leave them penniless.

You need to take care of YOU first. No sense of running around and then you end up in a hospital or worse. I suggest you check out videos of Careblazers on you tube. short and to the point. Also very helpful for your sanity.

God bless you and I do hope it all works out soon.

Call in a social worker for referrals and get help yesterday!!!!!

Hire some caregiver/companion help asap!!! Your peace of mind and health are also important.

I hear, hear, HEAR you! I am trying to run my rental business from 3,000 miles away. I had to move 3,000 miles because my sick, elderly mother REFUSED to leave Florida. My stepdad, who cared for her, got cancer and couldn't even care for himself. My retired sister lives only 5 miles from them but refused to care for them. Her excuse? She can't. That's all. No further justification. So I rented my house and moved 3,000 miles from my children and grandchildren. My own "retirement" is officially gone. The motorhome we bought to travel in our retirement years sits in storage rusting. On top of all that my mother is a narcissist. Everything must revolve around her every whim with no regard to what it does to others. I'm not even going to go into dealing with a narcissist, but it's infuriating, fatiguing, impossible. My dad died last August and now she's doubly needy. She insists on going places every single day, despite dialysis 3 days a week, despite having to use a walker or wheelchair, despite anyone else's needs. Everything must revolve around her and her extremely picky, constant needs. Her revenge at anyone that displeases he is holing up in her room, refusing to speak or eat, and even taking pills and threatening suicide (which she has acted upon numerous times). I struggle every single day to not snap at her, to maintain composure, to try to dissolve or wave away my
anger at my sister who seldom helps out and who is living her retirement without interference. On top of that, I've moved my recovering addicted son here and dealing with all his issues. My husband is sick and has constant docs and medical needs. Yet I have nowhere near the five people your dealing with, my heart breaks for you. We're literally running hospitals, you and I, and we never signed on for that. But here we are. They need us. All I can say is this Bible verse has helped me tremendously..."Do all things without murmurings and disputings: That ye may be blameless and harmless, the sons of God, without rebuke, in the midst of a crooked and perverse nation, among whom ye shine as lights in the world; Matthew 5:14-15... Along with this one "And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men" Col 3:23. To be honest, I'm only human and as long as I live here, I always will be. That means I'll get upset...who wouldn't? We're not angels, we're people. But those two verses have given me much comfort and helped correct my attitude many times. I hope they help you too.

Oh yes seniors do struggle. If you have power of attorney. You have made your decision already. So locate Social Workers for assistance & guidance.

If Mother, Father, STEP Mother & STEP Father are not open for help from the professionals, then I suggest you stop answering their phone calls. Only receive their voice messages and check on them occasionally with a "happy card".

Auntie does need your help now with placement. The skilled facility she is in at present SHOULD have information to help you get Auntie placed. Do not worry or feel guilty if possible. Try to step back and let the professionals handle them. Talk with a person that has a listening ear.

The struggle is real. Hang tough & breathe. You have a good heart.

Yes, you are developing burnout from caregiving and starting to develop guilt which can only occur if you care for these people. It sounds like you need to find care for them and set up there home so the caregivers will know what to do while in their homes. An examination of what resources they have and what the community has to offer. Check what transportation program exists in the community so maybe they can go together to an activity that will help them get relaxation as well. Its a challenge so you do not enjoy time with them. You probably have alot of memories of good times with them.

You have a lot on your plate, so I'll start with your question: How do I be nice every darn day? Walk into another room and say whatever is on your mind, even a cuss word or two. I have some pretty interesting conversations of 'what I'd like to say' but just can't do it to the person. Does it relieve all the stress? Certainly not. But, it is a stress reliever with no hurt feelings.

Osteoporosis relative - it's going to get worse. Ask dr about Forteo, daily shot for 2 years. Regrows strong bone. After two years, my mom's bone density test showed back in the normal range (better than mine!) and has not had any compression fractures since starting it. Still bent over, but no longer threat of another compression fracture in spine/pelvis, etc just because she sits down harder than she should at times.

Boyfriend - remember his words because at some point in time his family will need similar help or he will. Or you will need his help. He is probably not a caretaker, but may expect care from you that he wouldn't give you or others. Have a plan ready for when you need help and, if possible, have a discussion with him about what his plan might be for himself.

Relatives - Get them into facility care, assisted living or nursing home, so couples remain together while getting the kind of care they need. You can care for them without providing all the care for this many people. You will be able to enjoy visits with each of them instead of burning out trying to care for them.

Best wishes to you for some quiet time without so much worry.

Imho, even though your loved ones may not be able to understand them, I suggest that you set boundaries, e.g. "I will be available to take your call at x hour."

I am so sorry to hear of your impossible situation, I agree with all the other posters who say they ALL need to go to assisted living, memory care or whatever is appropriate. Getting that arranged for one person was overwhelming for me. I cannot imagine being in your situation. Get the local office on aging to help. Get anyone’s help you can. There is no way you can continue to do what you’re doing. My mind freezes at the very thought of caring for 5 elders with varying degrees of dementia. Everyone here is in your corner. You are obviously a very kind, caring individual but for one person to take on this much is like trying to bail out the Titanic with a teaspoon. Let us know how things go. Hugs.

You feel like you're falling apart? Doing all that is more than enough to MAKE you fall apart! I haven't read the replies yet, but this is never going to get any better, only worse. It is past time to delegate the care for these people.

I did skim through, mainly your responses and found this:

"I am preparing to take actions to put them in a government-funded assisted living, since they are indigent."

This is likely the best solution. They should qualify - if you can get a free initial consult with EC atty, do so. It might be worth paying for additional time/service, just to protect yourself - when it comes time to signing paperwork, you want to be sure that all responsibility, legal and financial, is shifted so you will have NONE. The only downsides to state intervention is having no say in where they will live or what medical care they get, but at this point what could anyone really do?

No way you should be spending all your earnings to support all these people. Since you also indicated they squandered most everything and have nothing, they should qualify for Medicaid (no idea what their income is, so that would have to be worked out.) This does not mean you don't care anymore, it just means they will be in a safer place, with oversight and care AND it will allow you to be YOU again. You can still care about them and once separated from all this chicken-with-head-cut-off running around might actually be able to enjoy visits with them. Once they are all safely ensconced in a care facility, TAKE A BREAK! Typically it is suggested we stay away for at least a week or two, maybe even longer, to give them time to adjust. It also gives YOU a good breather and you NEED that yesterday!

It would likely be a massive undertaking to deal with all at once, so prioritize and focus on those who are most in need of care. It sounds like your aunt might be #1 on that list, but you have to weigh all of them to make that call. I'm not sure AL would be the right place for her - she sounds like perhaps a NH would be better suited to her needs.

Be prepared for some backlash too. During that "breather" period after they've been moved, it might be best to block calls from them - any calls will only add to your angst and stress. Once you do make contact again, blame the situation on the state, the doctors, whoever you can. Always be sure to lay the blame elsewhere. If any of them get angry while you are visiting, excuse yourself and leave. Hopefully eventually the worst will be behind you and maybe the relationships can be more civil.

I can't even imagine how you've managed all this for this long. I "helped" my mother while she was still living in her place for a while and managed everything for her after she was moved to MC. I found all that exhausting sometimes and she was only 1 person and I'd been laid off when it all started, so I wasn't working. Other issues were at play, but nothing like what you've been doing!

Do let us know how things work out.

My first post was suggestions for getting these FIVE people into care under someone else's watch, aka the state. I've read through most of the other comments and have to add this - there were several comments about ditching the BF. Perhaps they were before or without reading your post about your talk with him. Whatever the case, I think these comments are misguided, at least for now.

From your comment:
"...I went to my boyfriend's house anyway, determined not to mention to him the struggles I was having, because he doesn't like it. But it spilled out! I said, "I'm sorry I just told you all that. I know it upsets you when I talk about what I'm going through with them. But could you tell me WHY you don't want me to even mention this topic when we're together?"

He said, "Because there's nothing I can do to help, so I'm not the one you should be telling. Plus, I don't understand why you don't just stop doing things for all of them. You owe them nothing! None of them have done anything for you in your whole life!" (Actually, that's rather true!)

So I stopped talking but then he randomly said, "There's got to be a social worker or someone you can call. Talk to them about this, not me.""

ANYONE who hears someone spilling their woes over and over gets tired of it and will tend to drift away. I don't care who they are, co-workers, friends, family, none want to hear the sad song played all the time! I learned this some time ago. It's fine now and then, but I do understand it gets tedious and they don't want to deal with it. Been there, done that. BF is no different. That does NOT make him a bad person or heartless or uncaring.

I am glad that you had the wherewithal to ask him why he doesn't like to hear it. Communication is SO important in a relationship. His answer was truthful and honestly I saw nothing wrong with what he had to say. It WAS the truth. There isn't really anything he can do to alleviate your stress - just listening isn't enough. They are not his relatives, so why should he be involved in their care? He also pointed out, and you agreed, that they really didn't do much for you, so you don't really "owe" them anything. That doesn't mean you don't or shouldn't care, but it also doesn't mean that you have to be the one to take care of everything. You find them the care they need and leave it for others to do the necessary work, allowing you to be a caring daughter/niece again.

He also gave you good advice - contacting the SW. THAT was a start. You've gotten more help for those two. Now use some of that "free" time to sort out what needs to be done. For me, as I said in my other comment, that means finding the right sources to get them all into state care. They are NOT going to improve, even if you had another 60 hours a week to devote to them. They are ALL only going to become more needy, physically, mentally and financially. This is a job for a village, not one person trying to keep herself afloat!

Do consider the EC atty I mentioned. Many will offer a first free consult. I would NOT pay to have this atty manage all that needs to be done for them, but rather to CYA to ensure you don't get sucked into any physical or financial responsibility. Even if you have to pay for some time with the atty, it will likely be less in the long run than what you are trying to cover now for these 5 people!

Again, do let us know how things progress. Once you can get them all under state care, do come back and share your experiences. You may be able to help guide the next person who finds themselves in a similar situation!

harpcat,,, yes, you could be right... butwhen you see your mom crying,, and saying she doesn't know why her mouth is going south so rapidly... her mouth is falling apart... I saw the trauma this was causing.. FEAR... :( Why? I needed to find the answer.... He worked on one side of mouth... come back next week..."
He started working on the other side for venures.. or whatever they are called...
Why was her mouth all of a sudden falling apart? I don't Know. So I took her to My Dentist........ The tooth truth came out. You Do Not Need Venures In The Back Of Your Mouth... That is for "esthetics.. Looks better than yellow teeth?"
SO THAT PROCEDURE WAS NOT NECESSARY.........ON MY MOTHER... Nor The Stress It Caused Her...
ON That note: Cleaning The teeth for geriatrics over 86 years of age, may not be so good either..." WHY WOULD YOU TAKE YOUR MOM TO GET HER TEETH CLEANED AT THIS AGE?" THE ER DOCTOR asked me... :( That caused her to have a seizure..... And I Thought I was Doing Good for her... getting her teeth cleaned.....nope....
so hope you understand that a lot of stress was put onby making sure that geriatric teeth were taken care of..... And then, not to mention, .... teeth, gums, and blood... blood travels... and if your geriatric has dentures that are not looked after accordingly... could lead to heart issues.... blood travels.. and the mouth, teeth, and gums can attribute to heart issues..... YIKES... yuck and good luck.

Your question was how can you be nice every darn day. Don't see that in any answers and you talked about your work and how difficult your days are. Being nice is because you have a successful business and a good deal of communicating with others so "nice" comes with the job. Also, while I might tend to "fly off the handle" and have a more volatile temper, my friend moved in with my dad and I and she is in love with God. He sustains her and she just refuses to be anything but "my angel from Heaven". God's GRACE is what gets people through these deep valleys. Have you tried prayer? He can tame even my temper and He never leaves me.

It appears that most of your relatives are not capable of daily living skills. It's time for a change. The one who fell and had a compound fracture must not go home to live alone. Start with her. Once you learn the ins and outs with her situation and find an assisted living or nursing home for her. Set your sights on the next needy person. Some counties offer senior services. Part of that is a counselor for the caregiver. If you can sit down with someone in that capacity and explain the limitations of each of your relatives, they can give you advice on what is available for each given their needs and finances. These county services also provide nurse evaluations to determine if they are eligible for nursing home care or in home help. If while determining placement for each or at the very least learning eligibility for each, try if you can to have them placed near each other, because even when they aren't needing as much help, you will still want to check in on them. Likewise, if your biological father's wife must go into a facility, make sure that your dad is near enough to visit daily even if he can't drive any longer. So, now you need to see yourself less as a caregiver and more as a transition facilitator. Somethings tells me as you one by one ease the burden by placing them in a facility with trained people and built in social activities and physical therapy, you won't feel so trapped and you bf will appreciate your initiative and problem solving skills. If you use him for a sounding board and he sees that it leads to a better you because your responsibilities and stress level decrease, he should feel better. If he hears you worry or complain with no end in sight, the stress can prove overwhelming. I thought I had a lot to do with my parents who both lived to be 90 and had differing needs in the last 2 or three years. What you have is so much more than one person can do physically or emotionally. I hope that you reach out to this forum with an update. The time is now to make some changes. You can do it!

None of the people you have mentioned can manage living independently anymore and there are too many of them for one person (you) to meet their care needs. Your aunt belongs in a care facility. Your parents and step-parent either need full-time help in their homes or need to be placed in a care facility.
If you're becoming 'snappish' as you've said it's because you're trying to give more than any one person has to give. It would be impossible for a single person to handle the needs of ONE of your family members while still working a full-time job and maintaining their own family and home. That person would have to make caring for ONE of them their entire life.
There is no way on earth you or any one person could do this much care for four different people. All you can do now is find alternative living arrangements for your aunt and if it's possible for your three parents to remain at home, then paid caregivers to tend to their needs. This is what you have to give them. So don't beat yourself up with guilt and shame because you can't meet all the needs of basically four invalid adults. No one person on earth could do it.

OMG I don't know how you have lasted this long. Your concerns are logical and realistic, but I AM MOST WORRIED ABOUT YOU! My burden was of 2 (and remains) but my efforts at trying to be the good daughter and do a good job have left me a scar down my center front...seriously....the stress took it's toll and going on 6 mos ago I was rushed into emergency surgery having been carried out of the house by 911 for a dissected aorta. DON'T LET IT HAPPEN TO YOU!
Every area of our country is covered by an area agency on aging. Google it, put in you zip code and you should be led to the one for your family members. Call them. Talk to them. They are bound to have some resources if only to help you get respite. You are going to have to do something very tough though...set some limits for yourself and them. This can't go on. I have cursed out the elders I live with (both deaf so they are clueless for the most part). They are too much. My mother is 98 with dementia and some days I think my 103 year old father is worse to deal with than she is. He thinks I am here to take on all of what she used to do and I will not, not anymore. It's not possible. I'm trying to hold down a part time job, working remotely, and he still wants dinner on the table at 6 rather than 7. Like the Keebler elves are helping me behind the closed doors.
For me it is very hard to not be short tempered or angry, but this is the worst thing for my own well being. The other day I was stressed because of my mother's antics and found myself in the garage getting something out of the back of my car. I saw my reflection in the dirty back window and my strained heavier breathing and the look on my face...and I knew this was just not good and I needed to calm down. Sometimes the best thing to do is avoid them. Seriously. Be unavailable. I am hopeful you are soon to learn about some resources. REMEMBER you will be of zero help if something happens to YOU. And the old story about being on an airplane and how the directions are to put your OWN oxygen mask on FIRST before children, so that you are able to help them. Good luck and take good care. If nothing else, you can always call adult protective services.

OMG! I am exhausted and wore out just reading about what you are going through and dealing with.

Given what all you have going, plus attempting to be productive in your own life, I would suggest starting by finding a geriatric manager who you could partner with to start the 'processes'. I do not know what the going rate is in your state, but where we live, the going rate is about $125/hr (that also is for travel) BUT if it removes some of the stress from your life and gives you some time, AND results in a better longer-term solution, then it is well worth it. Your health and well being is of utmost importance right now- this much stress can cause serious issues with your body and mind. I can attest to that. I have attempted to be the responsible one and help family members with declining mental and physical health at age 90+, only to be the one who needed the medical attention.

Time for you to find appropriate alternative living arrangements that are within their monthly budgets. Although having home health care person could help alleviate some of the stress, they are not there full time and the remaining time would fall upon your shoulders of responsibility. Plus, they do cost $$ - once again, in our area, the going rate is $40/hr. And if your seniors are anything like my mother, they don't WANT a 'stranger' in the house, and that person can't seem to do anything right...SIGH...

At this point, start the process of finding the facilities, applying for Medicaid, if needed. Get appraisals on their homes to see what funds can be found and used for their longer term care. If you are the sole caretaker, get all the legal paperwork done that enables you to make legally binding decisions. Talk to their doctors and partner with them. Many times hospitals have 'outreach' nurses who will work with you and your seniors to assess the on a continual basis and then make recommendations to both you and the doctor if there are changes.

Setting boundaries is important, although I found it didn't work with my elderly mother. She would agree to them, only to forget what they were the next day. And yes, I can't begin to tell you how, just how much I absolutely DREADED that phone ringing at 1am or 4am with either one of their neighbors calling with the situation or, on several occasions, the police or the ER. I can't even enjoy a nice relaxing wine buzz for fear I will get a phone call and have to jump up and be totally coherent and responsible.

Vacations - sort of have forgotten what they are -each time we made plans we had to cancel due to some 'emergency'. I am no longer young and as abled bodied as I used to be, and look ahead to see if and when will I have the ability to go ON an actual vacation in a few years or will my health have declined so much that I can't. I mean, the last vacation - one which was 5 days - was in 1992! Every other 'vacation' was an overnighter where we could drive back home quickly if there was an emergency.

You need a break, you need to downsize the amount of care and responsibilities that you are currently doing. And you can't feel bad or guilty about doing so. You have to take care of yourself.

Oh my dear...you have received so many wonderful supportive and informative replies that I have nothing to add to the great suggestions you have received. I only want to welcome you to the community of exhausted, saddened, angered and bewildered caregiving children that are trying to do their best for their parents, whether the parents are beloved or not. There are so many of us around--please make use of any love and support you can find. None of us will judge you for any actions that you do or don't take. I do highly recommend therapy or a support group or both.

And, please think of yourself and what YOU need in regard to your relationship with your BF. You need someone who will make all of this easier, if only just to listen to you, than harder by trying not to involve him in this area of your life that is overwhelming you right now.

I hold you, and all of us, in my heart....

yup you gotta put the oxygen mask on first before helping others around you.
get the LO's you know who cannot survive without their " left-hand man" (you) into a senior care facility, etc... that way, YOU WILL BE AT THE HELM.. .DIRECTING... See, if you get them into a facility near you, you let the facility do the heavy lifting - and you can settle into a routine of overseeing their care by amking sure the facility is taking care of your LO's, and your LO's needs are covered and taken care of. You just make sure your LO's have all their meds, and hygiene , and supplements, clothing, comfort, comfort care are filled and available. Your job is to go visit, do your observations, make sure they are taken care of properly, and you just dote and love the person or persons you are seeing. It is okay... They want you their to talk and visit,,, not run around, making sure someone isn't tripping, falling, or hallucinating because of a UTI.. etc... You are there to love them, and give them emotional support, and happiness, memories, and treats.. do not forget the treats.... !!

ssstruggles, I find it sad to hear you say,, or reading this,, "biological mom and biological dad"...

please note that some people will choose their death when nobody is around.. like your grandpa.. grandpa waited for dad to leave the room to pass. I have been told this by so many friends and family what has happened to them..or how their LO'S passed, and I have experienced it too...