Hello, I'm looking for advice on how to approach my father regarding the bathroom situation.
For the last three or four months, my father has been having some kind of difficulty using the bathroom. Usually once a day he will have a bowel movement, and when I go in the bathroom after, I will find feces smeared on literally every object in there. It's also outside in the hallway, on the light switch, and on the washer and dryer and inside the rim of the washer. Tonight, I cleaned the bathroom twice. Once because it was dirty from yesterday's bowel movement, and about a half an hour later after tonight's bowel movement the same disaster happened. I bleached the whole bathroom and everything else again.
Before I went to bed, I had to change his bandage and I realized that he has feces smeared on his bare feet, as well as all over the front of his pants legs up to his knees which is now smeared on the bed also because he doesn't care about having dirty feet all over beds or couches.
I didn't say anything to him when I cleaned the bathroom either time, nor have I said anything to him in the past about it, but I did mention that if I was him, I would wash myself and change my pants before going to dialysis tomorrow because there is feces smeared all over him. He looked at me with a shocked expression and said really?! There is?! I didn't say anything else...
I'm not sure what to do about this. I don't know what kind of help he could need in there. There are flushable wet wipes as well as toilet paper which I had to throw the toilet paper roll out because there was feces smeared all over that too, but neither of my parents will use the wet wipes. I don't know why.
I don't know what else I can do, but this is extremely dirty and I'm not sure how to approach him because I don't want to embarrass him. I also don't want him mad at me and I don't really know how to present it to him...
This is very concerning because my mother also uses that bathroom and if he's got feces wiped all over the toilet seat and lid, the handles to the sink, and in the sink itself, etc, my mother is without doubt going to get it all over her also, and she has dementia and refuses to shower so that's a whole situation that I am really not wanting to have to deal with 😖
Wondering if anyone out there has dealt with this and what they did.
Thanks in advance for any responses♥️
Managed care for both of them is your only real choice. The caregivers in a SNF will clean up the incontinence issues and dress dad in disposable briefs; they'll use wet wipes to clean him up properly after a BM, and they will shower mom 2x a week. They'll dress her in clean clothes, and make sure that both of them eat 3 meals a day.
If they refuse to go into managed care, you'll have to back off on the care you're giving them Tues-Fri, then call APS and report them as vulnerable adults, and have APS place them, which they would likely do if they find feces all over the house, your mother not showered and suffering from dementia, the house in serious disrepair, etc.
You're in over your head, your parents are in worse shape than you realize, and a chat with dad about his lack of hygiene is not going to fix the myriad issues that are going on here, I'm afraid. Dad's declined dramatically all of a sudden, meaning there's probably something organic going on; a stroke or something of that nature that hasn't been diagnosed yet. Meaning he's incapable of taking care of his hygiene now, and mom surely cannot take care of herself either.
I'm so sorry you are facing this situation. I'm sure you feel helpless, I would too, but I think the best way to help your parents is to stop helping them..........let APS take over if they are fighting you on placement, and that will likely ensure their safety moving forward. Or, if either one of them seem to be in dire straits, call 911 and have an ambulance transport them to the ER where you can get the social worker involved for placement.
Wishing you the best of luck and strength as you forge ahead with all of this. Hugs and prayers being sent your way.
Cause:
Is it loose bowels, striking so suddenly he can't control?
Recent change of meds? Antibiotics? Infection?
Is it worsening mobility? Just can't get there in time, bend, reach, work arthritic hands adequately? Manage clothes?
Fatigue? So tired he is holding the walls for support? Can't be bothered washing hands?
Cure:
Take your suspicions to his Doctor for advice/treatment.
Contain:
- Depends, pull-ups or similar.
- Easy trousers eg track pants with elastic waist.
"Dad, looks like you need a little help with cleaning up these days - so here are some new easier trousers & these great new style men's underwear. I'll be here in the bathroom to help".
Unless you are NOT ok with wipe-up duty! Which is FINE by the way, but does leave the question.. who will be?
Cos it is clear that Dad now needs assistance in the toileting department.
I cleaned up after Mom when she had an explosive BM. It was all over everything. It took me 3 hrs to clean up. I said then, if it happened again, she was going to be placed. I cannot take the smell. It actually makes me nauseous.
It would be a good idea to read up about incontinence on the site – click on Care Topics at the top of the screen, then on I for Incontinence. It might help if he is able to read it too, partly to re-assure him that it is unfortunately a ‘normal’ part of ageing.
Not dealing with it is not a viable option, for any of you including him.
Fecal matter can get into the most amazing places--having cleaned a bathroom or ten in my career, I can say that once a patient became clueless as to WHY they were covered in feces, and didn't care--placement in a NH was almost an inevitability. It's not out of meanness--it's out of care for the healthiest living environment. And the sanity of the CG's.
My FIL was on antibiotics all the time. He would not take them b/c they gave him explosive diarrhea, but if he didn't, he'd ramp up to pneumonia within days. Cyclically, over and over. AND the day I realized he was having blowouts and then just letting his clothes 'dry' on him and then just going about his day--I had to peel his pants off of him and cut the 'thong' underwear he had on, off. That, and scraping at the feces with a tongue depressor--DH was mortified but was so busy gagging he was useless. Forcing him into the shower when I knew I'd be doing the exact same thing the next day.
That day, his thongs were all thrown away and the best I could do was to get him to wear 'tidy whities' --in the hospital they insisted on depends, but at his home, briefs were the only thing he'd accept.
He died before we had to have him placed. The Dr. told him he could not longer live alone and we had just begun the task of finding a NH for him and he passed away. He would have hated it, but I hated walking into his condo and smelling what my day was going to entail.
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