He is not diagnosed but showing a lot of signs of dementia, including anger and inappropriate behavior. We've found that spending short times with him — a simple meal, a trip to the store — are the only ways we can handle him. (He lives in AL nearby)
My daughter is graduating high school and he keeps saying he wants to come, but it's a huge school so it's going to be at a local college stadium and it will be several hours long. He has a way of making things all about him — this was true before his decline — and I just don't want to deal with it. It's my daughter's day, and we want to celebrate her. My sister will be coming from out of town so I was thinking of having a dinner the night before, something more manageable, but I know he will be upset. And yet, I can't be his caretaker on this day. I want to be there for my kid! I want to take a lot of pictures and cheer and enjoy it. Is that wrong?
You can and should feel sad that your dad is so diminished. But you didn't cause this decline, so no guilt.
Have a special event before and/or after that will be manageable for dad. If he gets upset, say "sorry, Dad, I can't manage the logistics".
Just tune out his grumbling after that.
Have fun and allow yourself that opportunity.
Take photos and share them with him afterwards. If he grumbles, too bad. It’s your daughter’s day, not his.
One of my good friends did not invite her mom to her wedding because she would have ruined the wedding. Her mom still complains to everyone about not being invited many years later.
Everyone has told her mom that she would have been invited if she hadn’t tried to run the show and be the center of attention.
She was selfish and couldn’t allow her daughter to plan her special wedding day. I find it despicable when a mother tries to compete with her daughter.
Show your daughter that it is her special day and that you wouldn’t risk ruining it for anything in the world.
Your father doesn't sound like he's quite there yet, but he does sound like he's at the point where he could not handle a big crowd.
I'm going to speak plainly to you. He will be an embarrassment to your daughter and your family. If he already has anger problems and issues with inappropriate behavior and comments, what do you think is going happen in a stadium full of people?
God forbid if one of the graduates getting a diploma isn't attractive. Or maybe there's overweight students graduating? Or students of different races and colors?
Don't ruin their day. Leave him at home.
I can completely understand why she is worried - and honestly - this answer is all I really need to know. SHE doesn't want him there. That should be what you go by. SHE is worried that YOU will miss her walk across the stage. It won't matter if you miss it or not. It won't matter if your eyes are on her the entire time. Because if he is there - she will spend the ENTIRE ceremony - worrying that you have been pulled away. She won't know until AFTER whether you were able to see her graduate. Because her entire ceremony will be spent - for her - worrying. Which means - if he is there - for her - the entire ceremony will probably be ruined - she won't enjoy it. Even if you and the rest of the family do. And that's not really fair to her.
If I'm honest - she may worry anyway - whether he is there or not - because she may worry that your phone will ring and he will be calling and need you. Or that he may have to go to the ER at just the wrong moment. Or any number of reasons why he could interrupt her graduation. But at least this particular fear you can put at ease ahead of time.
Excellent points. I totally forgot about the possiblity of the "freak out" at the last minute so the OP misses the graduation entirely and the senior is the center of attention once again.
This happens even when there isn't dementia. My mother is famous for it. Having "chest pains" is one of her favorite go-to's.
She pulled this one when I was loading my luggage into the car to leave for my friend's three-day Indian wedding.
Her reasoning was could I catch another flight and just take her to the ER?
She knew full well that a flight like that is very expensive even when it's booked far in advance.
I went anyway and had the time of my life. That was a long time ago. My mother is still around and still pulling the "freak out" crap.
A few short years ago I was in your shoes. My son was graduating from high school and I did not want to be caretaker for my parents on that day. I just didn't want to deal with them and enjoy a huge event in my child's life. In my case, my son asked me to not bring them so I respected his request. Yes, there was a major senior brat meltdown but I stood my ground. If you are frustrated
by your dad's behavior so is your daughter. She is tired of grandpa too. You know your dad's limitations. Let your dad be upset and do what you would like to do. Don't let him ruin your daughter's day.
We opted to show him the online version afterwards so that we could just fastforward to the parts where our daughters could be seen. Walking in, walking across the stage and getting their diplomas, etc.
This is your daughter's day. There is no reason to spend the entire day distracted with his needs if you don't have to. You should be able to spend that time focused on her.
These big graduations are LONG!! Ours for 400 students was almost 3 hours (and the announcer barely took a breath between names)....and you couldn't go in until the school before finished (and waited in line outside for an hour to get in!)....and you couldn't linger because another school was right on your heels.
For what it's worth, when we showed him the playback...he barely paid attention. He asked multiple times what he was watching. He doesn't have any mental capacity issues. Just vision. So he wouldn't have been able to see at the actual grad anyway. He had a better chance on his computer!! And he had very little interest in the few minutes we showed him. I can't imagine what would have happened if we tried to take him for 3 hours (PLUS the line)!!!
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