I I want my mother in my life even though he is not sincere. I know that when I get invited over there it's only because she's afraid she's going to die. It's not because she wants me there. When she's doing good I never hear from her :-( her conversations are short. I've longed for a relationship close to her and I've tried everything. I cry so much my heart hurts me I probably will die before she does. She loves her life so much that I feel guilty living mine. She can't eat and chew anymore and she's watching herself age. We all Age We all we'll be old someday. The most important thing to me is of the relationship in the experiences I have with the people I love. Out of everybody that loves me I would trade my life to have my mother love me and see me and not be angry. I used to say it was my fault cuz that's all I ever heard. But then I realized it was like that before I was even born. I wasn't planned and definitely resented. I'm quick to forgive because I realize how short life is. And when somebody dies that's it. Part of me dies with them. I can't believe she doesn't care of my feelings:-( she has no problem leaving this world and leaving me with memories that are still haunting me. Anything that ever was special to me she made sure it was gone. There have to be something I can do. She made me so mad and said mean things to me. You know when you get pushed so much you say things you don't mean. And I did that. I told my mother I was going to leave if she didn't leave me alone. I told her it was the last time she would ever see me. That I wasn't going to give her any more chances to break my heart. I couldn't go to my father's funeral and I told him I wasn't going to go. I believe that the most important part of his life was the end and I was with him. I've seen too many people in coffins and that's the last memory I have of them. I don't have a dead memory of my father now. So that's positive for me. And I will do the same with my mother. I can't bear to see them die. It would be the end of me even more than right now. nothing makes her love me. I don't get it I do everything for her more than anyone in the family. I often thought if I died and she came to my funeral if she would cry? if I would even be worthy of her tears. Then I thought she would use all the people to get sympathy for herself because she always wants to be the center of attention. And she does enjoy hurting me. I just got done being very good to her for one whole week she started to feel better and she turned into dr. Jekyll again. I shouldn't have said what I said to her. I think she really feels bad. if she dies now she will be glad that I will feel bad saying the last words I said to her. Don't let the sun go down upon your Wrath. I believe it. And I called her that night and told her I love you but you don't need me. You would be better off with a stranger helping you. She's controlling and rude and spiteful. How can a mother be like this I don't understand??? What can I do I need my mother to even pretend to love me. Do you know what it feels like if your own mother doesn't love you. And if your father never was proud of you and yelled at you all the time and hit you and put you down. Now I know that many people love me and they know me and I never heard anybody tell me the things that my parents have said. But it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks. It only matters what I look like through my mother's eyes. And if the truth be it that she will never love me then that will be it. Thank God there is a God to pray to. There has to be because something's holding me up something powerful is keeping me going and giving me strength. They say that there are six solutions to every problem. And I usually keep things to myself. But this time I have to speak. I've used up every letter and character allowed I am a child in search of a loving mother before she dies and takes me with her. If one person even gives me an idea it will be worth writing this
Continue to be the sweet person you are and don't live with regret. Apologize to your mom if it makes you feel better but if she doesn't respond to it positively that's about her, not you.
First of all, I am proud of you for getting mad and saying ugly things. It's hard to actually say those words, but you know they have a root in the truth of how she and your dad treated you all these years. You don't want them to be true, so you apologized, and I understand that. I did too. It hurts when you give up on your dream of having a real mommy, one who cares for you, sits you on her lap, and brushes your tears away. And a daddy who protects you from bad people, even when they are in your own family. When you say those ugly words, it feels like you are tearing down the walls of what you want to be true, and that you can never have that if your words are true.
I'm going to tell you, your words can be true, and you can have that parent-child relationship you always wanted.
But that relationship is not with your mom or dad. They both did not have it in them to give you the mommy and daddy that you needed or deserved, or what any child needs and deserves. When God was passing out mommies, you and I were both in the wrong line. I was too short to see the sign, and I guess you got in line with me because there were so many other people there. Anna, I'm sorry I was in that line for bad moms 'cause mine has sucked rotten eggs. And my dad left me there to deal with her by myself.
So what do we do about it? My day came after my husband moved me 500 miles away so she couldn't reach me anymore. Not long after, she called and told me she was going to move to my neighborhood. She was going to terrorize me *and* my baby. There was no way I was going to let her do that.
I talked to someone who told me to get the book Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud (do this!!). This showed me that it was actually Biblical to separate from verbal and physical kicks by anyone, even a parent. Over the years, I went back and forth with fighting and not talking, but what did it for me was when she affected my children. Mthr had the choice to treat me as nice as she did strangers, but she would not agree to that even to see her grandchildren. That's when I went no contact, permanently.
When someone tells you who they are, you should believe them. I had to recognize that mthr was not a nice person. I had to let her solve her own problems as they were not mine to solve, but hers. She would resent me if I fixed things, or even tried to help. She showed me and told me that over and over. It was not until I stopped trying that I had peace. I stopped getting into her business, which is what she wanted. I had to let mthr go her own way. This meant not talking to her, sending cards, letters, or even accepting gifts for the kids.
The words you said were true and it's fine that those words were true. You don't deserve to be treated the way you have. No one should ever treat you that way again.
The story has a fantastic ending. I did not see your post until late today because I was taking my darling daughter to an event for her. Not for me, not for my glory, but by golly I'm proud of her and will help her any way she wants to help her reach her goals. I have that great parent-child relationship I always wanted. You can have that too, but it doesn't have to be with your offspring. It can be with a neighbor's kid, mentoring a 4-H kid, or adopting a sweet grandparent type. Genetics do not make a family, LOVE does. Find people you can love safely and who are capable of loving you back.
Mthr never apologized for the hell she put me through. I don't need to go into details, but it's like yours. I am stronger than the evil. You are strong too, Anna Banana. Join me in separating from evil.
You may have read the many comments on this site that ‘nasty’ people very often get nastier when dementia creeps in. The dementia strips away the covers on their lifetime personality. It’s only if the behaviour change is something completely new that it needs to be investigated. Prepare yourself for a rocky road in the future, and don’t get crushed by what is likely to come.
My cousin and I were just talking about an Uncle we shared. He was the second child of 8, my cousins mother the 3rd. Cousin said that his Mom never liked her brother. And I said, there was something not quite right with Uncle. Its like he was wired different. He never felt guilty. Had no filter. You couldn't trust him. He lied.
Have u ever looked up "narcissist". I bet one or both of ur parents fit the description. Narcissists can't love. They don't have the ability. And you as an abused child are always trying to be the good child looking for that love. But, from these two people u will never find it. They probably didn't like the way their lives went and took it out on you. This is not because of something you did or didn't do.
So now you work on you. Please except that you will NEVER please Mom. That for your health and sanity you need to back away. Be glad when she doesn't call. When she does, do as little as u need to. Don't engage her. When she starts the verbal abuse walk out. When she gets to the point she can no longer care for herself and she is vulnerable, call APS telling them u cannot care for her because ur a child of abuse. The State can then become her guardian and see she is cared for.
Please, don't feel u need to apologize. Why? Because people like this take that as a weakness. You may not think what u did was right, but it was justified.
God knows what u went thru. Instead of asking him "how can I get Mom to love me" ask him to help you to walk away with a clear conscience.
Get back to caring for these people. Your experience has given you the compassion u need to care for them. This is who ur. This is where u will find love. We can't pick our parents but we can pick the people we are happy to be with and who love us for who we are.
No one can make another person love them. It isn’t your fault. You deserved to be loved. Start loving yourself. Don’t get angry at yourself by acting completely normal. Who wouldn’t get mad if someone screamed in their face?
Let go of the guilt that you yelled back. It’s absolutely fine that you got mad. Forgive yourself if you’re upset about it.
I wish she had treated you lovingly. I hope one day this will be a distant memory for you. It will always hurt but healing can begin if you go see someone and learn skills to cope.
You don’t have to attend her funeral. You can distance yourself from her now if you like. If you can’t you are going to have to find ways to emotionally detach because this is sucking the life out of you.
I hear your pain in your writing. Writing is good. Keep a journal. It helps. Therapists often recommend keeping a journal.
Do you have siblings? Are you alone on this caregiving journey? Some people have crappy siblings also. I hope you don’t have that situation.
This situation most likely won’t change. Don’t have the expectation of her changing. Don’t place a burden on yourself to be someone that she will accept. That is an unrealistic expectation that will only end in pain.
Accept her for who she is and not who you want her to be. Or don’t accept her at all and live for yourself. That will take time to learn. It doesn’t happen overnight. Start off by saying you are worthy of love. Then say that for whatever reason she isn’t capable of showing love or simply chooses not to.
You know what? Your opinion of yourself is what matters the most. Not her opinion of you. Her low opinion of you certainly hurts.
I would never diminish your pain. I fully realize it is real. You will go through a grieving process. Grieving the loss of love that never happened. Then you must move on for your well being.
I wish you all the happiness and peace this world has to offer. You certainly deserve it.
Personally, I own her nothing, certainly not an apology and frankly I no longer care if she likes or loves me. I live in a world of reality, the reality is that she will never change and I will not embrace a toxic person, there are too many other people who treat me with respect and genuinely care for me.
I would suggest that you consider therapy to work through your issues, your fixation with your mother, you will not change her, all you can do is change you, learn how to adjust your filters and stop obsessing about this one issue, it is dragging you down, it is hurting you not her, she just doesn't care, accept this and move forward with your life.
Sending support your way!
You say that caregiving is your job. Are you paid under the table, or are you paying taxes on the money you make? What's the situation in terms of your financial future?
The rest of your family seems estranged from you. Do you have siblings? Do you have friends?
You have to find a way to accept that she isn't capable of giving you what you so desperately desire. It is not you, she is missing something inside.
Pity her and help her if you must, but for your wellbeing let go of the idea that you can do something to make her love you.
You believe in God, so you know that you are a better human because you can love her even though she doesn't love you. That is God's grace and mercy towards you. You are not like her and that is a good thing.
You can do this, you can let go of needing her love to make you complete, you are already whole.