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She tells him how difficult she has it. She calls him to stop over. Something is wrong, she is 40 and he is 87. His wife has been gone for over 5 years.
Tell your father-in-law that the young lady is young enough to be his grand-daughter.... would he want his own grand-daughter [if he has one] having dinner with someone who is in their 80's in that man's home? Maybe if it is put in that context, he might think differently.
Rut Roh. This has the makings of a dilemma. My question is, "What do you WANT to do?" Well, besides telling your FIL to hang onto his wallet? Yikes. I understand your concern.
Keep an open dialogue with him. Don't be judgmental or he might clam up. And try to determine if she's just being nice (probably not) or if she plans to hit him up for some "help" (likely).
Even if someone had his Power of Attorney, you can't stop him for doing silly things with his money unless you go for guardianship. That's expensive, and may not be at all appropriate.
She may have found herself a mark. Does dad have frequent interaction with friends and family or other community? Do you go over or have him over for dinner daily? weekly?
Age and loneliness can make a person very vulnerable.
Find out who she really is and run a background check on her. It will be well worth the fifty bucks to find out. Get her picture, her license plate number, drivers license and birthdate and run it.
We live right across the street from him. We have my FIL over for dinner or stop in to sit and chat. My BIL also has my FIL over for dinner too. I think all of the suggestions are spot on. We have ran a background check, we have had the conversation about being appropriate. He is not going to the cemetery like he was. Not going out with friends as much. We can watch her coming and goings....when she pops in, someone stops by just so she knows we are very much aware of her visits. I have had the conversation with him about scams too. It's very difficult to watch this happen right in front of us
Who has financial power of attorney for your father-in-law? Does he have any type of memory issues? If this young lady found out someone else has control over the father-in-laws money, she might stop socializing.
He is forgetful at times.....but he watches his money like a hawk. But we feel he's letting his guard down. To him we believe it's someone new to talk too, but we feel she is after something.
When we pop over when she's there, she becomes very uncomfortable. It's very noticeable. Hopefully with our presence she will get the hint. We wouldn't be having this conversation if she was more his age.
Don't assume someone his age wouldn't take advantage as well. My mother in law was almost taken advantage of my a con man her age. Work his way into her friendship and then went after her for her assets. And like you guys she had kids "popping" in all the time and checking on her. She finally was forced to take a hard look at this guy. But it was not easy. It took four great kids, two priests and the Dade County Police to convince her this man was a con artist.
May I ask why you are not having a conversation with this woman??? Let her know out front what your concerns are.... and that your dad will be protected at all costs.... I guess I am confrontational and would not play all these games and just confront the situation.....if she is up to something, letting her know your concerns will most likely make her disappear...... good luck...
I'm going to play devil's advocate here for a minute. If the background check turned up nothing to ring any alarm bells, and she hasn't asked your FIL for money, what's so bad about them having dinner together? And by dinner, I mean dinner and dessert? If it makes him happy, why shouldn't he enjoy this woman's company? I don't think it's terrible that he's not going to the cemetery as often as he used to. His wife has been dead for five years, after all. If he's mentally competent, I'd say stay out of it unless you have a reason to suspect that she's up to no good. Haranguing your FIL about how you suspect she's a gold digger will only make him more determined to keep seeing her. I know you're not happy about it, and I probably wouldn't be either, if I were in your shoes, but sometimes you have to realize that you need to back off. Going over there whenever you see her approaching might backfire if your FIL gets the idea that the only way to get his family off his back will be to elope with her to Las Vegas.
I would see if I can check daily on his bank accounts and credit cards, by looking on line. If he isn't using a computer, talk with him about setting up the accounts so that you can take a daily look.
Hopefully, the relationship is nothing. It sounds like he is moving on after losing his wife.
Responding to Sodone.....I could agree with your comments if my FIL's habits hadn't changed. All his life, he trusted no one. He gets very upset when he needs to spend money. It wouldn't be alarming if she wasn't spending nights with our neighbor and now she doesn't talk to him anymore and has moved on to my FIL. I think you would be concerned too.
No, I wouldn't be concerned. I would want my FIL to be happy. If a relationship with a young woman made him happy, I'd be all for it. (BTW, I'm the product of a May-December romance that left my father's adult children absolutely livid that their share of the inheritance was significantly reduced by my coming into the world. Not that your FIL will have a child with this lady. But in the end, it's often all about money, and not what makes dad happy.)
Is it the fact that you're worried she's going to drain his bank account that's bothering you, or that you think she has loose morals? It's his money to spend as he likes, and you say his mind is clear, so is the real issue a concern that there'll be less of an inheritance when he passes on?
im 56 yrs old , male , saving money now so i CAN spend it on hors and riotous living later . now this post worries me that my kids will try to harsh on my buzz when im 80 ..
It's about being scammed.......I have my OWN money....We support ourselves. Don't lump me into your life. This comes from love and concern. He could leave his assets to anyone. Those funds belong to him......not my husband not I. I take great offense to your comment sodone! You don't know my family and I certainly don't know yours. After the love of his life passed away....He was devastated. We had him over and helped to care for him, we dried his tears. We watch over him.....nothing else. How dare say it's about inheritance......It's the farthest from the truth.
This is no joke.....thanks of those that have shown concern, I appreciate the advice. But we have two clowns on this thread ......that this seems like a joke. I am strong believer in karma!
MG . . . I doubt most people thought that. Your post didn't come off that way at all. As I stated in an earlier post, I'd be concerned as well. There are way too many sharks in this world. Heck, all you have to do is read on this forum, and you'll get an ear-full. They're out there. She is acting suspicious.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
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APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
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APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
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If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
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This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
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You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Keep an open dialogue with him. Don't be judgmental or he might clam up. And try to determine if she's just being nice (probably not) or if she plans to hit him up for some "help" (likely).
Even if someone had his Power of Attorney, you can't stop him for doing silly things with his money unless you go for guardianship. That's expensive, and may not be at all appropriate.
Best bet . . . keep your eyes open.
Age and loneliness can make a person very vulnerable.
Good luck.
Good luck and keep your eyes and ears open.
If it makes him happy, why shouldn't he enjoy this woman's company? I don't think it's terrible that he's not going to the cemetery as often as he used to. His wife has been dead for five years, after all.
If he's mentally competent, I'd say stay out of it unless you have a reason to suspect that she's up to no good. Haranguing your FIL about how you suspect she's a gold digger will only make him more determined to keep seeing her.
I know you're not happy about it, and I probably wouldn't be either, if I were in your shoes, but sometimes you have to realize that you need to back off. Going over there whenever you see her approaching might backfire if your FIL gets the idea that the only way to get his family off his back will be to elope with her to Las Vegas.
Hopefully, the relationship is nothing. It sounds like he is moving on after losing his wife.
Is it the fact that you're worried she's going to drain his bank account that's bothering you, or that you think she has loose morals? It's his money to spend as he likes, and you say his mind is clear, so is the real issue a concern that there'll be less of an inheritance when he passes on?