My dad had a stroke 3 months ago and he has left side neglect. He’s unable to transfer himself and they’ve told me he needs 24-hr care. I want to make him happy, but doctors, therapist and nurses say I can’t do this alone. I work outside the home. Any suggestions?
You need caregivers.
Place him in facility as is possible.
This isn't a 'make him happy' moment - it is a time to do what is needed for your and his quality of life and safety.
Realize often there is "NO" making anyone happy when going through these life changes. The 'best' you can do is keep yourself healthy so you can make appropriate decisions for your dad.
P.S. We can never 'make another person happy." We can support them to be as comfortable as possible and they must decide how they feel or want to feel. Dealing with disaiblities, aging, this isn't 'cut and dry' by any means.
* Key is that you realize you cannot make him happy - and if he has a moment of 'happy' - that will change the next moment. Then you are not setting any personal or healthy boundaries - and that is never good. It will exhaust you and you will lose yourself.
When we / you try to 'make' others happy ... we/you are giving her personal power away and NOT do what is in his best interest.
Gena / Touch Matters
Gena / Touch Matters
It is IMPOSSIBLE for you to do it alone. And… I think your father would understand. I can’t imagine him even asking this of you.
Explain to him and yourself that he needs to be where he can get physical therapy, vocational therapy, regular nursing check-ups, his meds on time, bathed and dressed. So unless you can quit your job and hire a full time staff to do this he needs to be where he can get this help.
Maybe you haven’t considered all that this will entail. Start visiting some homes, get costs, call caregiver agencies and get costs; you will understand.
Love and light,
... dealing with no-shows and on and on.
... And, this is mucho $$$.
... possible theft, caregivers not doing what is needed (emotionally exhausting).
Hoping she will find another solution.
Matilda
Especially perhaps if dementia is involved.
This is a huge lesson to learn - in order to [be able to] make appropriate decisions for his well-being, and her quality of life, too.
The TIA's did take a toll, as she became more frail, and thus my responsibilities as caregiver increased. I often thought, "What if this time, it turns out to be the "big one." How will I handle it? I was so relieved I never had to answer that question, as she never lost the ability to feed herself, speak, write, walk or smile. She died at age 93, having lived a long and productive life. I still get upset thinking what we both had to go through. You do need additional help. Reach out to your local Office for the Aging, and County Dept of Social Services, for suggestions on how to get assistance. I wish you well.
I would let him go to LTC/Rehab and see if there are improvements. Don't make any rash decisions. Wait to see if he will be permanently in this state or if therapy can help him get some of his mobility back. His age, what other health issues he has and how bad the stroke was will all come into play here as well.
The night of the stroke she got mad when I tried to wake her up, so I had to get up and call 911 myself.
Thanks for letting me rant.
He will need to hire 1 maybe 2 caregivers. Some will require 2 caregivers if there are problems with transfers or if equipment is used. (This is if you hire through an agency)
Most AL facilities can not use equipment so if that is necessary and he can not be a 1 or 2 person transfer he would then be a candidate for Skilled Nursing Facility.
Maybe the only way to be sure that he is safe is in Skilled Nursing.
YOU can NOT "MAKE" him happy. That is not your job. He can chose to be happy or not that is his choice.
If you are POA and he can not make decisions at this point your sole responsibility is to make sure he is SAFE and cared for in a setting that is appropriate for his level of care needs.
One of the main things for us is that my mum is able to sit in a chair but she needs to be hoisted there. Hoisting someone requires two people, so even if I was there 24/7 then she could only move from bed to chair or back when another carer is there. I don't know if that is the same for your dad but that is the kind of practicality you have to consider.
My mum is sad about moving to a nursing home but she understands it is the only reasonable option really. Over the past few days, me and my brothers have been visiting some places and some of them are really nice and they care a lot about their residents and treating them well. I hope you are able to find a good place for your dad to live.
He did however have extensive physical, occupational and speech therapy for many months after, and was eventually able to walk with a brace on his right leg, say a few words and some short sentences, but never did regain use of his right arm or knew how to read or write.
But we made it work together. I'm sure it was easier for me because I was 12 years younger than my husband.
It did get harder as time went by as my husband continued to have many health issues along the way, and eventually developed vascular dementia, which took him in 2020 at the age of 72.
But I was blessed(hard as it was)to have been able to keep him home and care for him until his death.
Your dad was older when he had his stroke and I'm not sure how much therapy he has had, but I would make sure that he is still getting the necessary therapy he needs to get back as much as he possibly can, before it's too late.
I know when my husband had his stroke, his doctors said that it can take up to 2 years before someone can regain what has been lost, so make sure that your dad and his therapists are still working hard.
I wish you and your dad the very best.
My father was never the same person after his stroke. It was hard to see how he declined after his stroke.
It may be possible for Dad to live at your home. Here are the immediate things I can think of you will need (there will be more);
- equipment eg wheelchair, wheelchair ramp, commonde, hoist (if unable to stand to transfer) electric bed
- support person for all assistance eg transfers, meals, toileting, dressing, bathing, medication dispensing.
- assistance for activities and social support
OnlyChild, if you work outside the home, then you will need to delegate Dad's care to trained people all the hours you are away.
This will be very financially burdensome + take much organisation for you to arrange - a staff roster, staff absences, late, fill-ins, training etc.
The hours you are at home, you will need to be 'on duty' to assist Dad. Eg every evening & every overnight. This will include toileting assistance.
If Dad can no longer use a telephone & has poor mobility or cognition, he may not be safe of left alone. This means if you wish to go out, he will need to accompany you. Probably in a wheelchair. Could you manage transfers in & out of your car & manage the weight of a wheelchair? There are lighter weight ones (but I know I can't). Or use a wheelchair taxi service.
It's 24/7 supported care with a staff of YOU + staff you hire.
Don't fall into any magical thinking traps that because someone is 'at home' their 24/7 care needs disappear.
Also, that their social & emotional needs will be met.
I have seen the fallout of people brought home when there is inadequate care.
Please change *happy* to something more useful.
PS Don't be surprised if this hits you hard. You may start to grieve what Dad has lost. It is probably a lot. It is OK to grieve.
*Happy*. What does that mean to you? To Dad?
I would start by listening to Dad's medical team. Update your thinking to the new reality, harsh as it is.
Stroke is a game-changer. It is a serious brain injury. Yes people do & can recover & it is good to be hopeful! I hope Dad has a great physio team to assist with his recovery journey. Be a part of that - to cheer him on with any gains made.
As to "make Dad happy". Look to rephrase this.
How about *support* Dad in his stroke recovery or *support* Dad in his adjustment to being a stroke survivor.
*Happy* does not mean trying to BE a 24/7 nursing home.
If you are able to, I would either hire additional help or place him in a facility.
I don’t think it will be possible to work full time and care for your dad.