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Update: I am sorry to inform you that I have (until 2 days ago) been busting my butt in overdrive getting my father the care he has needed. You were all correct that I have suffered endless abuse from both of them for the last year and a half and he still does not care for me. I guess i had to prove it to myself. The last straw happened 2 days ago. He has just started on hospice which he ONLY requested due to my telling him a month ago that I could no longer provide ANY assistance to him which required me to be in his presence. I told him this in front of his doctors and advised he would need to make his own appointments and take the FREE transportation I set up. He then asked for hospice. I let his doctors know I am on the verge of a breakdown from all the hours i spend watching him lie to them...create crises and intentionally sabotoge his OWN care. My nerves are shredded. I am sure the cry for hospice was meant to be a guilt trip....but i called his bluff. I set up the meeting and he told the social worker no more chemo and signed the papers. He CHOSE the time/day for nurse visits...wrote it on the calendar and i called the night before to remind him. He then proceeded to NOT OPEN THE DOOR for the nurse who knocked 30 minutes. He refused to answer the phone for anyone. When i ran over there thinking he was DEAD...he casually opened the door like it was ALL GOOD. He made up stupid excuses...he did that ON PURPOSE. I called the hospice social worker and told her I AM DONE! I am changing my phone number and NEVER looking back. I have POA and i will sign papers if hospice calls but NOT A THING ELSE. When i confronted him about his abuse to me and my mother all his lufe he said "so what?" After 2 years of helping him...the thanks i got from him was " i didn't ask for your help anyway so your issues are not my fault" WOW. And his eyes were ICE cold. I will never see or speak to him again. GAME OVER.
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Thanks for the update. I am glad that the game is over and you are finally leaving. Go in peace and live!
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JuicySJoi, what a total jerk. It is hard to think that you are even related to him. I hope you enjoy the rest of your life. You'll never have to wonder what would have happened. He made his own bed and you don't have to lie in it.
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You must take care of yourself.
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I have a similar situation with a twist. I am the primary caregiver for my mi who has dementia. She is very verbally abusive to me. She has assaulted me several times as well. My situation s a bit different. My mother in law is a angry white woman evenbefore the dementia. So here is the thing..Not only am I at wits end, I have to have nasty racial insults hurled at me on a regular basis. I am her black dil who has ben married to her son for 25 yrs, No one else wants to help her. I am trying my hardest, but it is starting to make me ill.
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Walk away NOW and stay away
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Some people abuse others just because they can - it gives them a sense of power over a person they perceive is weaker. It isn't personal - they need to feel they are in control and get satisfaction when they hurt because they are mentally flawed. (Look at the "bullies" on the playground - they home in on the weak.A kid can fight back and if they win the fight the bully finds another victim. When an adult has established an ongoing relationship of being the abuser and always wins, there is only one course of action. Walk away and don't look back. That is how you win.
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I am so sorry that things had to get so bad for you. IT seems as through your Dad has a mental illness or at the very least a Personality Disorder.
You are absolutely right to walk away and never look back without one iota of guilt.
Hugs to you, it is a very difficult position you have been in.
My Dad was Narcissistic and Bi Polar. He abused everyone who ever tried to love him. None of my 4 siblings would have anything to do with him when he became ill.
Luckily I was able to separate myself after the first couple years and when he went to a Nursing Home I walked away. All decisions were made over the phone with Hospice.
Done and Done. I have no regrets. I tried for many years to love him, and after that I tried to be there as his daughter. Some people are just so crazy or mean that they deserve the life they are dealt and we must preserve our own mental and emotional well being and walk away.
Be at Peace......
You have earned it.
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Walk away, get counseling and NEVER LOOK BACK. Your father made his choices all of the years he mistreated you and your mom, wouldn't cooperate in his own care, and had no consideration for you or your family. No guilt. You have given enough. It won't change. Save yourself.
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c1-c6 - don't take care of your MIL any longer. You do not deserve her insulting you, tell your husband you are done & that he needs to man up and do something about her insulting you. I can't believe people put up with this kind of abuse for so long - it just keeps feeding the bad dog (MIL). Enough
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c1c2c3c4c5c6, in spite of being a miserable excuse for a mother-in-law, this woman deserves care. She did somehow manage to raise the man you love, after all.

She is obviously not getting the care she thinks she deserves from you. She is not happy with it at all. So, don't you think that in order to do right by her you (or rather her son) needs to find a different care arrangement for her? Of course it will be very difficult (impossible) to find a care center that has no staff who are black or Muslim or Asian or whatever her hate-group du jour is, but, hey, at least you won't be the one making her miserable.

Presumably your husband loves you and knew you were black when he married you and knew this would not please his mother. I assume he is very much in love and a pretty strong guy. So it goes without saying that as well as arranging care for his mother that will make her happier he will be very anxious to make arrangements that will make you happier.

Start looking for a suitable care center. If MIL needs Medicaid to afford it, help her apply. If she can pay for it herself, then just help her locate someplace (if she wants help).

Good-bye MIL.
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c1c2etc - if your husband expects you to tend his abusive mom, maybe he's not the man you thought he was. I think he will be completely understanding. It's his mom and he knows how she can be. She is, and you, strong, independent woman you are, are NOT going to lie down and take her running over you.

Time to say no more. You don't have to find her a place either, not your fight. My feeling is that if your hubby even let on that you were involved with looking that she would turn against the place immediately. Just step back and let the family deal with it. You can be incredibly loving and understanding to your husband, but stay out of the family troubles.

Bless you.
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Don't give him any more power. As an abused child, I feel so strongly for you. My mom now has dementia and it's hard enough to care for someone you truly love. My excuse for a father abused me and my mother. The only good thing about losing her memory is she has forgotten his cruelty. At 60 yrs old, I still haven't. The past wasn't your fault, but the future, is what we make of it.
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Alcoholism, personality disorders are illnesses,no different than his cancer. We really know so little about the brain, and we are taught that we can all control our behavior if only we wanted to, if only we tried. Being an addict and having a mental illness is so destructive to the person, but also to the family. And because we don't understand the physical nature of the illnesses that causes the terrible, hurtful, abusive behavior, we think these people are purposely trying to destroy us. When your brain is sick behavior is beyond control.
Thia does not mean that you have to try to take care of dad. You do not have the ability to do this because of many things including his behavior towards you.
Would it make sense to you to do major surgery on him just bacasuse he won't agree to see a surgeon?
So you are absolutely right. You can not care for him anymore than you could transplant anew heart into his chest.
So tell him he's too ill, and you can't help. You didn't make him sick and you can't cure him.
Then get some help to get rid of the hate and fury. His behavior towards you has been very hurtful, and you deserved more. But he, his brain, was so sick he could not do it. Would you continue to hate him because he has cancer?
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Just one more thing. Ask a therapist to help you understand the grief from never having him love you. Then talk about forgiveness with her.It is the greatest gift you cangive your self. Yourself, not him.
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Good for you, JuicysJoi that you got to witness for yourself. When you get sick and tired of being sick and tired change occurs.
We often make the mistake of thinking people will be kind or reasonable if given the oportunidad pero no.
Some people are evil. Jesus did not waste his time trying to heal nonbelievers. He told some of them that they were of their father, the devil.
We must not cast pearls before swine.
Glad you have moved on with your life. Finally, relinquish POA. You do not need to be involved at all.
Let the chips fall!
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JJ (((TIGHT HUG)))!!!!
it will be hard for you,because you have been 'trained' , but Oh do I know those eyes you saw very well. I also know about the mental breakdowns because of advocating for someone like that. Accept you will never receive what you need from him (or anyone else) You need, like i do, to get therapy and the tools to use on how to live.
NO GUILT.
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