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My mother is 75. No dementia yet, but it’s near. My mother is the same. Lazy and non self efficient at all. Gripes that there’s nothing to do when there are things to do. Drives me crazy.
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Same thing happened with my MIL. Short-term memory was shot, wasn't remembering to even eat so we started her out in AL in a nice place but instead of being social like she had been all her life, she just gradually folded up. Then she decided she didn't want to get out of bed, ever. Not even to go eat with the others. We tried everything like you: PT, incentive charts, encouragement. None of it worked. She's in LTC now and other than her memory and very mild dementia, there's nothing wrong with her at 85. She even survived having covid. There is huge longevity in her family so I'm imagining her lying in bed for literally another 15 years. I hope you can come to peace with it, knowing you've tried everything to give her a better quality of life. That's all you can do.
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As dad's hearing and balance deteriorated he withdrew and it was basically just mom and dad outside of mealtimes when they sat with friends. Dad began to feel useless and hated being helped - other than by mom and not that much until later on. He had always helped others and I believe he saw that as part of his identity. I believe being helped was an insult to he view of himself. Since 88 or 89 dad began to desire to die and lived until he was 91.

Mom on the other hand is fairly a solitary soul. Life with dad was no walk in the park and she was often the brunt of his put-downs (he was definitely passive/aggressive). So besides being a loner she has self esteem issues, but is also very opinionated. She doesn't have dementia but after dad died I told her she had to get out and socialize to help stave off dementia - she does have MCI. She was actually getting out a couple times a week doing some activity or other and then COVID where at times the residents of her AL were locked down in their apartments for weeks at a time. She keeps herself busy reading, doing jigsaw puzzles, suduko and word search puzzles; while I'm now able to visit again - but I'll be happier when I'll be able to take her back to the library, out to lunch and shopping.

Best of luck with your mother.
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I am 71 and when I read posts like this I wonder what i will be like in my 80s. And I may be like your mother. I am pretty much a homebody now so COVID lock down has not been that hard on us. Husband is 74 and very hard of hearing so we don't socialize that much. I spend most of my time in my Den. So my question would be was your Mom any different before her Dementia? If she wasn't involved with people before, why would she be now? Other than knitting did she do crafts, puzzles, or games. If the answer is no, she isn't going to learn them now. Her short term memory won't allow it and she has no long term to fall back on. If she was living in her own home she would be like this.

The Al cannot force her to do what she doesn't want to. Good thing is she likes getting out a couple of times a week. My Mom enjoyed being in the common area or walking around inside the AL. She enjoyed the entertainment they supplied. So I really have no suggestions. Just that I don't think you can do anything to help her.
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sparkielyle Apr 2021
Thank you for the time you took to answer. She really was social ONLY to the extent that it involved her helping others. She loved music, handiwork, etc, so that is one reason I do find it puzzling she won't even go to listen to piano playing or doing some crafts. Oh well. So in essence you are spot on. She is very much a loner otherwise.
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There is likely little you can do to change the fact that end of life is not easy on elders and there is honestly loss after loss after loss. My own brother, with early probable Lewy's dementia "made the best of" --in his words--assisted living. Most were very much more impaired than he was. Luckily he was already of a solitary, almost monk-like personality and he enjoyed puttering around, cutting roses for dining tables, could still read and shared books with some, etc. In general, other than a few activities I found most there to keep to them selves and to turn more and more inward. I think it is normal. I wouldn't push her at this, the end of her life to change.
Is this behavior out of character for your Mom. Was she in some prior life very very social?
This isn't always a "fix it " situation. Your Mom is relatively lucky with involved and loving family and a decent place to live. I would be easy on yourself and concentrate more on your own life, and how you will live it moving forward. I sure wish you good luck.
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sparkielyle Apr 2021
I am so sorry - Lewy's is a difficult path for sure. I guess daughter guilt will always be a bit present, but with counseling I do put it in perspective. She is/was such a fantastic Mom. Just breaks my heart.
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I'm glad that you can at least now get her out a few times a week, as that will give her a change of scenery, and you will have peace in knowing that at least a few times a week she's having some fun, and getting out of her room.
Perhaps now that you're able to spend more time with her, you can sit with her in her room and get her started on her knitting projects, and encourage her to keep going, and even do them with her. And if you don't know how, perhaps asking her to show you how, might spark her interest.
You can only do so much to get her engaged, so please don't beat yourself up if she chooses not to. You're doing the best you can.
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sparkielyle Apr 2021
You also are spot on. I try to do projects with her while visiting if I can. I will keep trying. Thank you for the words of encouragement!
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