She seems to snap at anything I say, even when I am helping her!! . e.g. today she insisted I take her to the bank. I did and she said "not this one." I asked her which one she meant and she directed me to go to a bank that she has no account at!! I was advised to just "let" them do what they want to do. So I took her there and low and behold - she has no account there. She refused to let me come in the bank with her and when she came out it wasn't "oops, I don't have an account here afterall" but "they said they can't find an account without my SSN (she doesn't remember hers) or some mail from the bank." COMPLETE DENIAL ALWAYS. okay, I get that. Difficult to cope with. But hey, the denial is probably a part of the dementia/self coping strategy. Right?
But here's my question to those who are caring for someone with dementia: Does the "attitude" (never happy, always complaining, takes everything so serious and then tells me "not to say that again") come with the dementia as par for the course or is it just a magnification of her personality? Does everyone with dementia seem like they have an axe to grind (not saying they don't). Is unhappiness, misery, whining, moaning, complaining, being nasty to people the hallmark of dementia?
Guilty self confession here: I now seem to hate being with my mother. I didn't use to hate our times together, but now I do. When I go to pick her up (3-4 times a week for about 5 hours each time) I dread the thought of spending time with her. She is never happy. Always complaining about everything. I can't crack a joke because either she doesn't get it or gets angry about the joke I made. I feel like I can only be subdued and miserable around her. Am I the only one to feel this way? I really think I am.
The other thing to try is sympathy. Her situation really does suck. She has a lot of good help from you, but she is angry and scared because she knows that she is losing her brain.
Try saying, "Gee, mom, I'm sorry I can't get it right. I bet you would rather do it all yourself." I'm sure you are very nice and kind, but it's hard to be nice to someone who is bitching about how incompetent you are. Just say things like "Old age ain't for sissies, is it?" and "Nothing seems to be working today, does it?" Blame the outside world for her problems, and do your best to shrug off her barbs.
I hope this suggestion is helpful, because I would hate to be in your shoes. God bless you.
Let me offer you Dysfunctional Family Bingo. Mom won't change, and can't change, and wouldn't remember how she was supposed to change if she wanted to. So change your mindset so it doesn't hurt so much.
For DF Bingo, make a list of the horrible things she says to you. When you visit her, and she repeats one of her favorites, you get a point. If it's a brand new one, add it to the list. Do you know anyone else with difficult parents? (Just every single person in the world!) Get together at a bar with pads of paper to enjoy writing up the list and laugh and groan and get a little tipsy. If you can expect her to say the cruel thing, you can maybe laugh and let it roll off your back.
Does your mother really love you, or did she when you were young? I hope the answer is yes, because you can remind yourself of how sweet she was. This new person isn't really your mother. Your real mother still loves you. This pitiful but sharp-tongued old lady needs your care and compassion, but you don't have to believe what she says.
It's possible that she wasn't ever that good to you. That's true for a lot of people here. If so, you may be hoping that caring for her will make her realize that you are a good son and deserve her love. Sorry. It doesn't work that way. If you can care for her because it's the right thing to do, and because she is pitiful, then you can decide how much you are willing to do. No amount of self-sacrifice will change the past.
One last point. When she is mean, call her on it. "Mother, that was unkind. I don't like it when you treat me like that." As with an animal, "discipline" her at once, while she still remembers what she said. But don't be surprised if she can't change. You will feel less hopeless if you speak up for yourself, without resorting to being unkind.
You are doing God's work. Please try to let her comments go.
I was really concerned about my marriage. My husband wasn't "mean" but he didn't seem to be paying any attention to me, wouldn't remember things I told him, and was generally just not "with it" in our relationship. He'd say, "I don't remember hearing that," and I'd say, snidely, "Of course you don't remember. You don't pay attention!!" I was mad.
And then other symptoms appeared. Something was definitely wrong. He was diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia. My attitude changed overnight. The poor guy! He didn't choose to have this disease and he didn't fail to pay attention because he didn't care, he literally couldn't "attend" to the moment, as his doctor explained to me. Instead of being mad, I did my best to learn about his disease and we coped with it together for the next ten years.
Doesn't know that your mother's behavior is caused by defects in her brain that SHE CAN'T HELP soften your attitude toward her just a bit?
My mother was a very difficult and critical person her whole life, but after strokes (big and little), it got a lot worse. She eventually was diagnosed with dementia. I also learned she had struggled with Bi-polar, depression, and other psychiatric problems before dementia. That explained her odd and difficult behaviors!
She sat in the dark a lot, doing nothing, for weeks on end, waiting for Jesus.
I was in a bad mood one day, and answered her back "how do you know he hasn't been here and ran away?"
As her dementia progressed, the line between her mental illness and dementia became indistinguishable. It no longer matters now. She is treated for the paranoia, anger, hallucinations, and violent behaviors.
The good news is there is treatment, but you have to see a doctor who specializes in aging, to get a correct diagnosis. A geriatric psychiatrist may also need to be in the picture.
Some grandmas are fat, apron-wearing, cookie baking loves with dimples.
My mom is as neurotic as they come.
Usually what has always been in the personality to start with rears its head with dementia. Add weird mixes and trials of behavior meds, anti-depressants, and anti-psychotic drugs into the mix and you never know from one day to the next which argument or tantrum she'll be repeating.
Dementia is Hell.
My mom also benefits from being in a highly structured environment with very little interaction with groups, activities, and other people who aren't performing a care task for her.
I can't be her hands-on care giver because I am the last person on the planet she will believe, cooperate for, or not chew on 24/7/365. She's much better (comparatively) for other people in medical uniforms. The costume = credibility to her as she had a history of hypochondria and hopping from doctor to doctor and Rx to Rx my whole life. It was really her untreated mental illness at the root, but polite people didn't have that, discuss that, or get treated for it at that point in time.