I am nearing 62 years old, healthy and planning to retire this year after 26 years of highly stressful work. Our grown child is on his own, doing well and independent. My wife and I have dreamed of relocating to another state where we would be happier with more opportunities to pursue our interests.
My parents ages are 91 / 95, fortunately live independently in their own home and are in relatively remarkable health for their ages. My wife and I have lived fairly close and have been there for them over the past 30 years. They are financially secure as far as we are aware. However, our relationship has not been the best over the years. They have been very self-centered, secretive, cheap and refuse to discuss their future health plans with me or my wife. My Mother has had some mental issues, but has always been very manipulative, selfish and reacts very badly when we discuss our retirement plans and the prospect of moving away. She accuses us of being selfish and cries that she doesn’t know how she will survive once we leave. I have attempted to discuss my parents future health plans with my older brother but he backs away from any productive conversation.
My wife and I have both worked very hard and have been greatly looking forward to ‘our time’. I plan to help and see my parents as best I can from our new home. My parents have lived their lives on their own terms. Yet, I still feel a great deal of guilt about moving away. I am trying to determine what is reasonable regarding my responsibility to my parents, while my wife is eager to begin our new life. Any experienced input in this area would be greatly appreciated, thank you.
Johnc1
In your shoes, I'd leave and let the future arrive. Deal with the future when it happens.
Or is the obligation in your head, i.e., that's what good people do?
In original post.
“My Mother has had some mental issues, but has always been very manipulative, selfish and reacts very badly when we discuss our retirement plans and the prospect of moving away. She accuses us of being selfish and cries that she doesn’t know how she will survive once we leave.”
This is probably a no-win situation and the only sensible thing to do is let go. Yet, I still feel stuck, trapped and disappointed with guilt about relocating. Coupled with other stressors, it feels like our retirement dream is just that - only a dream.
Any input would be much appreciated, thank you.
Johnc1
Fear, obligation and guilt are the major culprits.
My Mother manipulatively cries loudly that she cannot survive without us anytime we bring up the prospect of relocating. However, my parents prefer to focus most conversations around bragging and attempting to impress us with their money and how they plan to buy a brand new Mercedes for cash (even though their driving is extremely limited). While their independence is good but waning, they refuse to let us in and discuss any practicalities or take any kind of sound advice. Their priorities are clearly skewed and they have always been extremely cheap and selfish. This has been very frustrating and conjurs up many conflicting emotions. What’s more is that this situation completely falls to our shoulders as my only brother does not involve himself or visit my parents.
Johnc1
Go ahead w your plans and have a plan that you think will work for your parents. You don’t need to act on it til they ask. And they will!
When a person is wilfully missing the point, or you suspect it's wilful at least, it is extremely frustrating. But you can't give up. Even if you have to draw them a picture, set up a PowerPoint presentation, use a loudhailer - you have *got* to nail them down on this.
So she (unbeknownst to me) took me (and another brother) off her POA (the two remaining brothers are still on it). This was done when one of the two POA brothers was in town. No one told me (he claims to not have known what she went to the attorney for -- that could have been true). I don't know why my third brother was taken off the POA, but I was taken off because she was convinced I wanted to get at her money.
I only find out all of this this past November when was in rehab after a hospitalization. Getting access to her money to private pay for her now permanent NH residence was tricky, as no paperwork had ever been done for that, other than the broad statement in the trust that my two successor trustee brothers (the two with POA) had the power. Banks and financial institutions want more than that, though, and my mother had not been declared incompetent.
So I could sign nothing for her, even things that didn't involve money. The silver lining is that I can be paid, and I wouldn't have been able to be paid for all I've done for her if I was a POA, as there is a clause that the POA doesn't get paid except for reimbursement of expenses. So I'm getting a hourly fee from my mother's funds, plus back-pay for the previous two years. And it's gifted to me, so no taxes due. (My mother will never be Medicaid-eligible, so all the careful recordkeeping needed for that is irrelevant.)
It's a shame our relationship was pretty much ruined because she was so paranoid. But after a couple of years of being told I didn't do anything for her, my time wasn't worth anything and outright disgust with me, the pay has made me feel better. I did it all, and my three out-of-state brothers didn't. The trust will be divided equally four ways when she passes, which is what it says and what she was adamant about. But my time wasn't free, after all, which is what she also wanted. "You don't pay family." Oh, yes you DO!