I am nearing 62 years old, healthy and planning to retire this year after 26 years of highly stressful work. Our grown child is on his own, doing well and independent. My wife and I have dreamed of relocating to another state where we would be happier with more opportunities to pursue our interests.
My parents ages are 91 / 95, fortunately live independently in their own home and are in relatively remarkable health for their ages. My wife and I have lived fairly close and have been there for them over the past 30 years. They are financially secure as far as we are aware. However, our relationship has not been the best over the years. They have been very self-centered, secretive, cheap and refuse to discuss their future health plans with me or my wife. My Mother has had some mental issues, but has always been very manipulative, selfish and reacts very badly when we discuss our retirement plans and the prospect of moving away. She accuses us of being selfish and cries that she doesn’t know how she will survive once we leave. I have attempted to discuss my parents future health plans with my older brother but he backs away from any productive conversation.
My wife and I have both worked very hard and have been greatly looking forward to ‘our time’. I plan to help and see my parents as best I can from our new home. My parents have lived their lives on their own terms. Yet, I still feel a great deal of guilt about moving away. I am trying to determine what is reasonable regarding my responsibility to my parents, while my wife is eager to begin our new life. Any experienced input in this area would be greatly appreciated, thank you.
Your mom sounds a lot like my mom, who has narcissistic and bipolar personality disorders. There is no self reflection, conscience or appreciation. They suck the life out of you and do not change. This is probably why your brother has left and why you're so guilt ridden, even after all you've done.
I hope you go for it!
Live for yourselves, whatever that may mean to you. I live 2 hours away from my parents, and when urgent health needs arose, I, at then, 58, couldn't handle the stress of my very stressful, well paying job, and my parents. I must say, I also was not loving my job anymore, so I quit (my parents so happily thought of it as retirement ..but I quit...well planned, and with a decent amount of money..I was financially able to do it). But at the same time my older brother, who lived near parents, decided he too would retire..great..but no..they moved 2000 miles away! So then I was really the only child left. I made my choice, my parents didn't insist, but I feel resentful ..all my doing though. As the only one close by, to help them when living on their own, and then in independent living at a retirement home, there wasn't anyway I couldn't help with their care. My Dad, who I thought was so financially sound, had nothing in place for their senior needs. My mother had dementia..and was on a walker. Dad's health started having issues at age 90..he always fought through..taking scary risks...driving..mother died at 91..Dad is still alive, but now in hospice (very expensive if you do it in a rehab/nursing facility, as you pay room and board, so $10000 a month! I was there at every need. I was never that close to my father, at all. He can be vey explosive to me, and used to be that way to my Mom. I was close to my Mom..but of course there were issues. I would have loved to have moved away, as my brother, did..but..my guilt would have gotten to me. I have helped with all their needs (and for you they will come up, unless your parents just drop dead in their sleep), and I do it out of obligation..I get very little reward, other than knowing I'm doing the right thing. If you move, they will become your brother's responsibility, even if he doesn't take it. INSIST they move to AS. And then you can go guilt free. IF they don't move..and you are like me, you'll stay..be stuck..and be resentful. I am still resentful of my brother who moved away when Dad turned 90.
Because parents fail to plan doesn't mean their kids are now obligated to forego their own lives or live with guilt. That is just ridiculous.
Primary family caregiving can take a toll on your own health.
If they will not discuss their plans with you as to what is in their future
Do they have long term care insurance?
Do they have a plan to move to AL or IL or even memory care if that is needed?
Do they have the finances to have help come in?
If these questions can not or will not be answered then I would say Continue with your plans to move. Start clearing out clutter, put the house on the market and go.
What they are asking you to do is accept a stressful job without all the information about the job. If you were in the job market would you accept a job under the same conditions?
One possibility might, again MIGHT be acceptable once you have moved and are settled if they move to AL facility in your new location you would be there to support them but not assume care of them.
As I have said here in many posts it is silly to me that people don't want to sell the house, sell "Aunt Betty's" dresser, spend their saved money on their own care because they want to "pass it on" to the children or grandchildren. Well I don't want your house, I don't want Aunt Betty's dresser what I want is for you to spend your money on your care so I don't have to care for you.
Don't cave in.
You earned your retirement, you earned the right to move where you want and to pursue your dreams.
I have a daughter who is a junior in college and she speaks often about moving clear across the country to the west coast. Naturally, I hate the idea that she might settle there, but if that's her dream, I wouldn't think of discouraging her. I hope I feel the same way when I'm elderly.
If if I had to do all over again, and I would have suggested she go into a nice AL situation after my dad died 7 hrs ago. She would have friends and would have a life with people in similar situations as she. If she didn’t want to go, then I would have said “Okay - But I’m not going to be accessible 24/7 365 days a year”. I guarantee she would have made a different decision than what she is doing now. If your parents are capable of making decisions, then go forth and enjoy your retirement or you will be upset that you let yourself get into a frustrating situation.
Spend some length of time in different areas you consider amenable to your retirement lifestyle before moving.
Your parents are relatively stable right now. Go & do some of those things you want now, while your parents are the best they can be. You can adjust your travels & your relocation as their health warrants.
Guilt is for when you have done something wrong. Taking vacations & relocating in retirement are not wrong.
Your parents have some anxiety & worry about your plans. That is normal. Assure them they are not being abandoned & you can work things out as needs arise.
Enjoy your retirement & adventures!
My suggestion to you would be to sit down with your wife and decide just exactly what you are willing to do for YOUR parents and communicate it to them and ask them how they plan to organize those things that you don’t agree to do. AND LIVE BY THAT.
They have had their lives and lived them as they wanted. We deserve the same.
Move forward with your plans and be very transparent about them. Be VERY clear that not moving isn't an option. YOU ARE MOVING.
If (when)your parents protest, ask why they are anxious about you moving away. If it's because they need your help, offer to help them find a less stressful and taxing living arrangement (aka a senior community or in-home helpers). If you're OK with it, offer to find them a community near your new home so that you can be closer and help them more often.
When mom says you're selfish, remind her that she's selfish to expect you to change your plans, yet she won't change hers (if you have to, remind her that her plan is just to have you do everything she demands while doing nothing to compromise). Ask her what they will do to come up with a solution that will make everyone happy. She likely won't be able to incorporate that into her thinking, but it will help you to say it (repeatedly). At least, it helps me : )
They have the luxury of choice. Many, many seniors can't choose home help nor senior living.
Don't deviate from your plans and your response to mom and dad. There's only one answer – "we're leaving and we'll help you find a solution to your living arrangements."
The correct responses here all say to go ahead with your dreams. Do it man.
Set a date and let everyone know.
The care of my in-laws and parents fell on my wife and I five years ago.
I moved my in-laws to a local AL. Not sure I would recommend that as worthwhile. It will put stress on you when they are bored or lonely.
Although we were able to eventually put three of them in AL, my mother resisted until recently. She is by far the worst; demanding, self centered, and just plain cruel. She usually puts on a good act with outsiders and friends. When she shows her true colors the friends disappear forever. She always had these personality issues. I try to help her with her affairs, but I am not sure I would say it is out of love. More out of duty because that is the type of person I am. I do feel a little like a doormat for having done it.
I am 63. Five years ago I was healthy, going to the gym daily, rarely taking meds. Now I take meds for health issues that were no doubt caused by the stress in my life (my cardiologist agrees). These issues started when I was 62 and I had to retire. The fun I was looking forward to is gone forever.
Do it now John. You owe no one your life or health.
Find your parents a place where they will be safe and cared for. While the feeling of responsibility is noble, their happiness is not your problem. Your happiness, and that of your wife, is your responsibility. You are not selfish. Get some happiness now while you can.
I am sorry that you have had to go through what you have because 4 people decided they were more important than their children.
Hopefully when the stress is reduced some of your physical conditions will improve.
I’d give them the option of relocating to the area and an independent living facility ( where they can transition to more care as needed) where you want to live.
It’s an easy thing to say go ahead but logically, they are not going to be on their own much longer. That means you are dumping their entire care on your sibling. Currently my sister and I take care of my mother finances and medical and it’s a lot to do, even with her in assisted living. IE they will take her to the dr but someone has to meet her there. It’s harder since my sister lives an hr away from her. Previously, I carted my mother and stepfather(ALZ) to all appointments etc by myself and it was a lot to do. Traveling to do it is really even more difficult.
We told the family we were moving to our dream location - a 2 acre farm-ette with a large modern home in the mountains. My mother, age 80, came with us and has her own private suite. We asked Dad to come with us (he would also have his own private suite) when we put our house up for sale and reminded everyone again when an offer was made and accepted. We now live 7 hours away.
That was 4 years ago. Pop (now 92), still insisting on living alone, has had 3 major hospitalizations as he is an advanced, uncontrolled diabetic. His daughter and granddaughter see him several days/week, do chores, take him to Doc's appts, and shop for him. My husband visits quarterly for 5 days (approx 20 days/year) to do home repairs and give his sister a break with Doc's appts and shopping.
We have no regrets. If Pop wants to come live with us, he is welcome.
Live the life you want. If your parents wish to share it, welcome them.
If you answered no, then you need to stop listening to the manipulation. It is unfair that they want you to give up your dreams because they aren't willing to do anything differently. That's what this boils down to, they will have to assume responsibility for themselves because you aren't there to prop them up.
I personally believe if you need propping up, you need professional care. Whether they like it or not is not your concern. Parents that say they refuse to give up their independence and rely on their children to do everything but breathe and crap for them are deceived. They have no independence, they have a personal slave that props up the lie.
Sorry if I sound harsh but I get angry when parents live their lives on their terms and refuse to love and respect their offspring enough to not tie themselves around there necks and drown them if necessary to keep their lives the way they want them. It is selfish and should not be tolerated. You are a grown man with your own life and your mom obviously could care less about you and your family.
I took my mother in when we retired thinking she would go to senior daycare where they also provide respite care. She has dug her heels in and only will sit in the house watching game shows.
Her only plan for the future was one of her kids would provide for her. I carry a lot of resentment because of it. If you stay you and your wife will be resentful. You will have a better relationship with your parents if you follow through with your dreams. My only guilt is I feel bad for my husband.
We all only get one chance at life - go ahead and live your life the way you want. If you do give in now, you will never have your own life again.
In my opinion, no one should assume the responsibility of caregiving without having the authority. Authority means durable power of attorney both financial and medical in the event one or both of your parents become incapacitated. It also includes living wills and a will.
Your parents refuse to discuss their lives with you. My best friend (BFF) of over 40 years is going through this right now with her parents who gave their attorney POA because they're angry she retired to a sunbelt state. They completely ignore the fact that she bought a two-family home and invited them to come there to live! Aside from their groceries and in-home help, which they already pay for, my BFF was going to cover their other expenses that currently cost a small fortune because their house is old. Her folks *chose* to decline her offer and now it's too late to undo their decision because my BFF went on with her life and rented out the other side to a lovely young family that cherishes having her as a landlord.
Perhaps the best thing you can do for your parents is to get them a consult with an elder attorney as a gift for Mother's and Father's Day.
Also, your brother is not your concern. If he chooses to involve himself or not is up to him. You have to live with yourself and your wife.