This is way too long and probably insane.. Please delete if you want.
I married my second husband for all the "wrong reasons:" companionship
and physical and financial security, Needless to say that, while the marriage has not been physically abuse, there was a lot of disappointment, anger and sadness.
Now he has Parkinsonism and dementia, heart and urinary issues. I'm doing the best I can (learning about the diseases and going to every doctor's appointment, creating a safe and peaceful home, arranging therapy for both of us, consulting every geriatric expert I know, trying to find stimulation.....
He's always been a passive, solitary person and now says he just wants to be left alone. I know he would hate day care programs. Assisted living seems like not enough for him and it's too early for memory care. He says he just wants to "stay here."
I'm an organized, well researched and effective caregiver, really. I've created a satisfying life for myself and found willing caregivers (babysitters as he calls them.) Groups aren't working for me as everyone else is carrying for a "loved one." One group leader even asked me to leave because she said that the problem was in my marriage, not my caregiving.
But, in spite of therapy, I am drowning in guilt. Guilt for marrying him without love, guilt for not doing enough, guilt for just wanting to get out of this. We have plenty of money and long term care available but he has no one else in his life but me. Do i just have to "man up" and accept this as a kind of responsibility and punishment for what I did? I'm not sleeping well, boiling inside with anger sometimes, and "stuck."
Even marriages that are founded in lots of love and commitment founder when serious illness, especially those accompanied by cognitive changes occur.
Guilt is a useless, self-imposed emotion. It's not helpful.
You are GRIEVING decisions, events and outcomes.
I also have a very passive husband. I do ALOT of stuff without him.
If you really want to leave, you should consult a divorce lawyer. A consult could be a good thing, because it will tell you what the financial "hit" will be. It's a good solid piece of information to know so that you can plan without wondering.
You can help him hire a geriatric care manager who can arrange his care. Would that suit you?
wise advice
You are not a felon. You didn't cause this and you can't cure it. You didn't purposely set out to hurt someone with malice aforethought. You are left now with tough decisions, and there is no way to make this "right". Not everything can be fixed. Some things have solutions that leave one with lasting pain and grief and tears. But that has nothing to do with guilt. It all has to do with grief.
I wish you the very best. You have hard decisions ahead. The hard fact is that this is not the man you married. Marriage is a contract, in fact. When one person does all the giving and the other all the getting it is not a fair ending.
Again, I hope for the very best. Accept the grief. Leave the guilt to those who have reason (their evil ways) to feel it.
You don’t say what’s caused the “disappointment, anger and sadness”. My guess is that perhaps he has always been older and boring, and you often disagree (easy enough to do in the US for the last few years). You had higher hopes. You don’t say why you feel guilty. My guess is that perhaps you were criticised for ‘marrying for money’, and you suspect it was true. However many women (including me) can say that they married for love, and the love didn’t last – and some of them feel guilty too, especially if they wish they had made a different choice.
My suggestion would be to focus on your own life, continue to do the best you can for your husband (including spending money on carers), and forget about the guilt. Check out respite care, so that you can go away for a holiday on your own occasionally. Be grateful for your “satisfying life and willing caregivers”. Re-label them ‘angels’, not ‘babysitters’, when you talk to your husband, and make sure that they give you time for yourself and your sanity.
Your husband doesn’t want to go to a facility, and you are giving him his best life at present. There is no reason for “guilt for not doing enough”. Many of our posters would love to “get out of this”. His condition will get worse progressively, and sometimes that makes it easier (and less annoying) for the carer to cope with. If you really can’t cope, please check out the divorce or separation details legally, and think very carefully about whether the problems of a future life would be better or worse than this one. Best wishes, Margaret
Yes, you are "stuck" by your own emotions driven by guilt. Guilt is nothing but a fear based emotion.
He has money, there are many very nice homes that he can be placed in, make new senior friends, enjoy activities and continue to live a full life. They all want to stay put that is what most all babble about because they are thinking about what they were told 50 years ago, they have no concept of today.
Assited living is enough, lot's to do.
Why don't you take the time to tour several and actually see what goes on instead of assuming what is or not is enough.
Might be time to move up to the 21st century, for both you and him.
Good Luck!
Best of luck to you.
I don’t think you want to “man up” by accepting the responsibility and punishment for your bad decisions. (I do applaud you, though, for what you have already done; educating yourself, keeping appts., trying to maintain a safe and peaceful home, attending therapy sessions and especially being an effective care giver). However, you may have to “man up” by honestly confronting your husband both about your relationship, and about how caring for him is affecting you. It’s great how you’re caring for him, but who’s caring for you?? You don’t have to place blame, just be factual. (By the way, how does he feel about your relationship? How long have you been married?). You can still feel a sense of responsibility without feeling obligated to care for your husband at the expense of your own health and mental stability. That will only result in resentment. And your lack of sleep doesn’t help. Being responsible would be to continue to care for him, not at home but at a care facility. Once that's done you can explore your relationship options. I’m sure you’re aware that neither his Parkinson’s nor his dementia will improve. I know your feelings of anger and being “stuck” are because of “all the wrong reasons” for your marriage (you admit, and I can sense that you’re a good caregiver) but separating yourself from the situation could help both your feelings and his future care.
We are all a product of our decisions in life. Whether good or bad, they can’t be undone. But the bad ones shouldn’t consume us. So accept your feelings, accept the regret for bad decisions, forgive yourself for your mistakes and have a heart to heart with your husband. I like what BeDolly posted. I, too, had to make the decision to place my wife in a care facility. Difficult? Yes! But an enormous relief!
P.S. I’m sorry you were dismissed from that, I assume dementia or Parkinson’s, support group. Many of your feelings are because of your marriage issues, yes, but he/she should have supported you in your caregiving issues.
My point is, YOUR health and happiness should be the most important thing going on right now. Stress, anger, resentment and guilt can really weigh heavy on you and take a toll on your health. It is NOT worth it. You said you had long term health . . . use it! There are awesome facilities out there for him and can give him a really good life . . . and save yours.
Best of luck to you.