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To onesmrtrn: Near where I live there are several apartment buildings for seniors where the rent is income-based. I was able to move my mom into one (after a 2+ year nightmare of her living with me and my family). All of us are MUCH better off! It's not a nursing home, but there is a social worker on-site that makes sure mom has any assistance she needs with day-to-day things. The stress and worry that I was experiencing with my mom living in my house has been cut by about 75%. Just "google" senior housing and the name of your city. Good luck!
If you do, your life will no longer be your life. It will revolve around her navel and will become a nightmare and you will believe you have moved to the twilight zone and THEN you won't be able to find a way out of it and you will be stuck. Sorry, but that is a fact.
If your mom said you're "bad and selfish" for not taking her in, that's just a guilt trip she's sending you on. There's nothing wrong with wanting to have a relatively happy, normal life with your husband and children. Needy people equal entrapment, so don't do it! But It it makes you feel better, let her stay overnight once every other month and visit during the Holidays. Be candid about it, but don't negotiate.
I took care of my dad and the farm for many years. 10 years he was in wheel-chair. He had colon cancer, triple by-pass and several other problems.His enlarged heart and lack of oxogen caused some sort of dementia which got worst. He was totalley bedridden the last year of his life. I was there for him 24-7. Now he is gone but I feel as though I am 85. I feel more comfortable around seniors than I do people my own age;IS THIS NORMAL TO FEEL 30 YEARS OLDER THAN YOU ARE,after taking care of your parent alone.
I certainly,(speaking out of experience mind you) would NOT allow her to move in, simply because that is what I did. When we allowed My mother moved in with us , she was healthly enough to care for herself. We took her with us when we moved clear across the US to where we know no one. Then she got sick. My mother has been draining the life out of me and my marriage now for over 3 years. it has put a real strain on me, my husband, our finances, etc. I now live in a prison called home, I am unable to go anywhere or do anything but take care of My Mother. Don't get me wrong, its not about loving my mother, I Do love her very much ( I wouldn't be able to do what I've done if I didn't) Just remember, though, Once you start it.. its hard to undo. perhaps had I known then what I know now, I wouldn't be in this position. just a thought.
We were told as children not to be 'an indian giver'. But when it comes to adult kids taking in their parents to live (apparently forever), then, I'd rather be the Indian.... who cares?
Lcg, my mother ( who died a year and a half ago) used to try to say "manipulative" things to me too , to get me to do what she wanted me to do. When I was trying to get Dad to stop driving she said to me: "That's too much to ask of him." and "If he can't drive, he'd just as soon be dead." Just before she died, a situation came up where she was again trying to get me to do something I did NOT want to do ( and she knew it). For the first time, I said to her: "I will not be bullied into doing that." She was not happy about my saying that, but somehow inside I knew I needed to say that, and she needed to hear that, before she died. What I want to say to you is please find the strength within yourself to know that what you need to do for YOURSELF and your own self-preservation is right and good. God will tell us what to do, not our parents or anyone else. You are a wonderful daughter to care about your mother and love her this much. I loved my mother with all my heart and I miss her terribly. I know that you love your mother too. You are doing the best you can. You were smart to come to this site to discuss your situation with others in the same boat. It is so difficult to talk about these things out in the day to day world, in polite society. This website gives us a safe place to release our frustrations and receive suggestions from others who have ---let me say it---suffered through experiences where lessons were learned. God bless you and hang in there.
my mom has dementia - started the same day she had surgery for gall bladder - before that her memory was fine- just moved her in -79 yrs. old- unsteady on feet- broke arm 4 months ago- have to watch bathroom use- seems to always get feces on the floor and tracks it through the house- very nervous , cant speak , prone to crying, americas funniest videos makes her laugh - keep it on all day, smokes- i dont so have to go in garage with her- my borther lives in her house, never moved out-used up most of the equity - i moved her in 1 week ago- $600 social security check goes into his accoiunt- he was supposed to write me a check - didnt- said the elecric bill was $600 cuz mom did it- love her to pieces, cant put her in home -no money anyways if it gets worse? need to get power of attorney - she has annuity for $14,000 would like to use that for funeral exp. when need it - brother said that it will take 3 weeks to get the money so recommends i get it out now- since she has dementia will it cost me $2500 to get power of attorney and i need to change her primary doc since i live 90 miles from her home - anyone know abut power of attorney?
anne, thank you so much for your comments. i feel they were extremely helpful. i am trying to find the strength, i am working on finding obtaining some backbone. it is so hard when it is your mother. i think some of it is i am an only child and my parent divorced when i was 7 & mom remarried. i feel alone and guess she is the last little bit i have and am afraid to stand up to her. but this is no way to live with like you say her "bullying me" i need to speak up and say you can't just call me and complain about everything-she is so negative. i have to dig myself out to try to feel happy. i am always crying after i get off the phone with her and if i haven't spoken to her i worry about her. she told me she was re-writing her will when she was upset with me, so i guess i am going to be out and my kids will get all of her estate (she doesn't have alot just a modest house paid for and some money in the bank). i guess my mother feels she can try to keep hurting me-nothing like the love a special mother! i don't feel i should just sell my soul for these remarks. how awful!! sorry to keep going on---- thanks again for all your insight!!!!
bobbir321 Why are you telling this woman that Assisted Living is the way to go? Do you know what that means? Assisted Living is for people who cannot manage fully on their own. She said nothing about her mother needing assistance in any way. She said her mother has moderate emphysema. That's all. It is manageable. Her daughter mentioned nothing of her dependence on anyone for daily living. I'm sure she can make her own meals, dress and bathe herself. I don't understand why people are so ready to shove their parents into a facility which, if they don't need to be there, will actually take away their independence and crush their confidence, dignity and will to live. What happened to caring for ALL of our brothers and sisters, not to mention the very people who raised us from infancy, our parents. By having this flippant attitude towards loved ones will only encourage your children to do the same thing to you. I am so glad that I would do anything for my mother who raised me and my 5 brothers and sisters while working 2 jobs her entire life just to make a decent life for us. The VERY LEAST I can do is welcome her into my home the same way she welcomed me into hers 55 years ago.
My mom is only 63, and healthy as could be, the only thing in the world she wants is to live with me and my teenage daughters, I went through a bad divorce, and finally have my life on track, so I totally understand, I often feel like a terrible daughter. My mom actually wants to be sick, because she feels that is a way for her to move in with me, if I mention I am going on a date, she gets upset, its like she doesn't want me to meet anyone, I think she thinks if I don't, and when the girls get older and move out, it makes room for her. I am at witts end, she calls my daughters all the time and cries to them how lonely she is, and that makes me so angry. She refuses to go into a senior living apartment.
Rburd, you are entitled to live your own life, without negative interference from your mother. You said that your mother is only 63, and in good health. Please don't allow yourself to entertain any thoughts of guilt. You need to take care of yourself and your daughters first and foremost (especially if your mother is capable of taking care of herself.) If she continues to pressure you to allow her to live with you, that is a red flag that there could be some mental problems or depression there. Whatever you do, do not feel like a terrible daughter. You are not this! It does sound like she is wrapped up in her own world and thinking primarily of her own wants and needs. As far as her telephone calling of your daughters, you could tell your daughters to let her calls go to voice mail. And then you could speak to your mother on behalf of your daughters , saying they are "tied up" with such and such. Good luck....
rburd, I am not that much younger than your mom. She ought to be falling on the ground, thanking God that she has her health still. She ought to be so grateful for the ability to be living on her own, being independent as long as she can, that she is in NO way, thinking of living with her kid. You tell her that for me, as one of her peers. Tell her to get off the pity party train and start making a life for herself. And be glad she still can.
rburd, I'm close to your mom's age and no way on this green earth would I want to live with either of my kids right now. I work full time and love my job, keep super busy, enjoy my health, don't dwell on medical problems and take one day at a time. Love the kids and grandkids, but living with them wouldn't be fair to them or me. I still have a lot of living to do. One day I might have to live with one of them, but it'll be as a last resort. Does your mom have any hobbies? Does she enjoy her own company? She must think you're her entertainment committee. I told my mom one time when she got possessive like your mom is that I wasn't her entertainment committee, didn't want to be, didn't have time to be, and she should be ashamed of wasting her time feeling sorry for herself when she could use her talents doing something worthwhile, make everyday count, be thankful you're alive. You aren't guaranteed a tomorrow so why waste today being miserable and making everyone else around miserable too. I agree with naheaton, that pity party train gets real old, real fast. You deserve your freedom. You need to build a new life. You're a parent with kids who need you. Mom needs to get a number and wait in line.
I am totally there with you sister. My sister sent my mom to me for a "two week visit." My sister had been living two hours away and believe me given the state my mother's health was in, she wasn't doing anything. My mom has been here five months and we are stuck because there is no money. Everyone in the house is unhappy, including her. Even my 6-year-old told me she wanted to move out. No kidding! Get that line out there now, make arrangements now, don't move your parents in. I think it is a rare thing when it can work out, but I wish I could find a solution.
Bobbie321 happens tobe right on the mark on this. I too am taking care of my mother in my home and it has been more exausting than I ever thought it would be. I am also married, but my kids are grown, so at least I don't have to worry about neglecting the children ( which eventually would happen ). When they are lonely they become extremely dependent on you to fulfill their time more often than not which leads to a lot of things not getting done. Your children are young and need you...that in itself is a full time job. Talk to her about assisted living or somehting else, just be sure to explain to her that your not leaving her completely to others, that you'll always visit her. Find some way to let her know your there for her, but that you also have a family that needs you too. Maybe when the kids are grown and you and your hubby has had a little down time she could move in. Whatever you decide, be sure to talk it out with your Husband and kids because it will effect them too. it's a 24/7 job ...even though you love them with all your heart :)
My mother has never been outgoing. If she goes to assisted living, she will probably not participate much in activities or make friends. The loneliness, while it is, technically, her fault, must be unbearable. That's what I feel so guilty about. Her loneliness and neediness suck the life out of me, but it seems like I should be the one to try and fill her needs. If I don't, certainly no one else will.
Sometimes it just takes time. My dad was very social, but became withdrawn once at the nursing home. Two years later, I catch him listening to gospel music and hangin out in the lounge with others. Dephora, don't beat yourself up over it. It all works out - sometimes it just takes time. And you need time for YOU, okay?! We all have been there and done that... we are caregivers when "no one else will" be.
I am a caregiver, a mother of a 10 year old, and work full time as an RN. My mother is at the point she cannot bathe herself well, cook for herself, nor ambulate or be up for any amount of time. I take her grocery shopping once a week for an hour and a half, and she's out of energy. I have thought about assisted living - but she's also Bipolar with increasing dementia. I'm not sure how she would do living with others after living alone for the past 25 years. Money is a huge issue as well. Assisted living's are expensive. She's not quite ready for a nursing home. I just can't let her live with me, my husband won't allow it. We need time for ourselves, and our families. Hopefully we can find something somewhere in the middle. All I know is, YOU need time for YOU. If you don't, you will become burned out and possibly hold some sort of resentment toward your parent.
I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one thinking and wondering if I am a bad daughter for not wanting my elderly mom to move in with me. My 95 yr old Dad suffered a stroke in March and is now wheel chair bound in a Nursing home, my 86 yr old Mom is diabetic, has bad arthritist which makes walking around very difficult, suffers from depression, anxiety etc. my husband and I are taking care of their bills (not financially, we do the paper work) . My husband and I both work and travel alot but I am almost having anxiety attacks thinking about my mom being alone, she's not very social in her Senior living community and doesn't drive. I feel she would be better served in a Nursing home. We have briefly discussed this but I feel guilty bringing it up and anguished about not talking about the elephant in the living room. So LCG...big hugs to you and I pray that you, I and others will find a workable solution so that everyone can have a good life.
I stay at my Mom's, am her constant companion, make sure she takes her medications and eats every day (we often have dinner out together.) She is 84, I am 60 and I rarely go anywhere without her. She is very forgetful but very sweet and quiet yet I lose my temper with her from time to time and then feel terrible. We share just about everything and it really gets to me sometimes. Before her last fall, when she broke her pubic bone/pelvic bone, ending up in a lot of pain, she was attending a local Alzheimer Day Care and that was great. I am having a hard time returning to that routine even though she is ready. Many days we just sit home with almost zero interaction or conversation. I feel like I am losing my mind, but that it shouldn't be all about me, it should be all about her, since she needs me. I am in such a rut. We had many activities and organizations we belonged to in the past but I'm finding it hard to keep moving. Wow thanks! Just getting that off my chest was helpful!!
I am so sorry you are going through all this. I have never felt kiddos should give up their lives to take care of their elderly parents. Have you checked with a local Health Care Provider to have someone come in to give you relief during the week. If they don't provide this service, they will certainly have recommendations of companies who can allow you a few hours a day or whatever you need to get your own life back.
Do you have family members nearby who could help out. Maybe if not on a daily basis ; they could spend a weekend now and again to give you the time to get away for a weekend or more.
It isn't a matter of being all about anyone...it is about a balanced life for you. You've done a remarkable job I am sure of caring for your Mother; howver, we all reach the point of needing to take care of ourselves.
Our responsbility to our parent is to see that they are safe and comfortable. We need to be physically and emotionally healthy to provide them the support they need.
My Father passed away 2 years ago and my Mum had to come and live with me as she cannot live on her own, as she needs assistance with certain things. She lives with extreme back pain and has severe osteoporosis. She is unsteady on her feet and uses a walker. I moved to a complex that is for the over 50's especially for her so she could make new friends in her own age group (76). (I am divorced, so lived on my own previously.) She is a sweet, caring & loving person BUT, is so dependent on me to be her filler of lonliness even if she has friends popping in everyday. I do her hair for her every week, make sure she has meals that I cook and freeze in single meal sizes so she can just heat up. Take her to Dr's visits, take care of all her finances and accounts. All this I have no problem with, it is the mental strain. She is extremely sensitive, and always thinks she is putting one out, or that we are talking behind her back, etc. If, I lay in bed on a Sunday, which doesn't happen often, I had a knock on my door, "when are you getting up, I am lonely." Sunday If I am home is my only day I feel I can "chill", and my bedroom is the only room that is really my private place. If I choose to spend the afternoon watching TV or resting and reading, in my own space, she feels like I am neglecting her, and I tend to feel guilty. If my friend (male) comes to visit, she needs to control the whole visit, like he is there to visit her, I know this sounds selfish, I don't mind her being there, but she needs to also understand that ok now let me give them some time alone too, and perhaps go to her room. We have one living room. She has often mentioned, that she will never go to a home, so I have her for the rest of her life. I have told her that one day she will need frail care, which I cannot do, and will have to look at going into assisted living one day. She does not even want to discuss this. I sometimes feel like I am being throttled!!!! If anyone has a similar situation, would love to chat. Need to speak to someone who understands. She loves me dearly, and would do anything, but it is the mental strain more than anything.
I don't think you are being selfish. I am dealing w/a similar situation and know exactly how you feel. It's hard to not feel responsible for our parents' lives but how can we be? It's not our fault they have had a difficult life. That's a huge burden to place on a child. I would not move in with her. You have your family and you are caring for her. She is young enough and mobile. Why should your family have to suffer if she is difficult and makes you feel bad? It's enough to handle her without her there and would only be worse if she would be there all the time. You are not being selfish. You are just protecting your family. So many families suffer because of these types of situations. You have to fight for that. You can still help her but you need to find a way to feel ok about your decisions.
Sounds like she needs a boyfriend...see what you can do....She's young...She needs to continue to have her own life. You cannot save a person from themselves.
Lucky you have a husband to support you! I am single and live with mum who has vascular dementia and diabetes its her house which makes it worse for me but let me tell you I dont have hubby and kids but looking after mum is 24/7 sometimes my cat gets neglected and I feel guilty i cant imagine doing this with hubby and children so my answer to you is a big fat "NO DONT DO IT" the very fact youre here asking shows you care about your mum but caring and coping are two very different things. My cats wandering more think hes fed up with this too! LOL and HUG
Icq, it is sure hard to feel OK about yourself when it is your own mother saying what a bad person you are. But I don't think you are upsetting her, I think she is upset and not even keeping things straight like who actually said what about you to her. It makes no sense, and that's probably because Mom is not making sense. Xanax can be disinhibiting and cloud a person's better judgement too. She probably did not have a back up plan for if you said No to her moving in with you. She needs one. You might be able to help her make one, but if your judgement and gut feeling is that her moving in would be a disaster for you and your family, you may very well be right.
I moved my mom in with me 1/12 years ago. She lived independently in her own home she would never ask for a thing until she broke her hip. At the hospital she said oh I will be living with my daughter when I leave here. It was just automatic for her. Her stay was 6 months at the hospital where she had alot of things go wrong with her. She stayed in my living quarters with me for 8 months and it drove me insane. When my son moved out of his apartment downstairs I moved her down there. She walks with a walker and not very steady on her feet she has alot of health problems but her mind is as sharp as a tack. She has home care Monday through Friday from 8-3 so when I get home from work its all left to me. I only have to give her breakfast lunch and supper on weekends and weekdays just supper. I have to get her in the shower which she can't do herself and change her colostomy bag 3 times a week. But she won't do anything else. She lays on the couch waiting for me to come downstairs for something then yells get me this and get me that. I raised my 2 kids 23 and 29 now and now I'm raising my mother. I hate this situation. On weekends if I have to go out which I normally do. I have to get up early after working all week get her breakfast so that I can be here to get her lunch so I can leave half early to do what I want to do that day. Then rush back to make sure her supper is ready for her. I resent her for doing this to me. My brother would take her every second weekend until August but it got too much for him and his wife as mom is controlling and not a very nice person. She expects to be waited on hand and foot. I don't have anyone else. It's just me and I want out so bad. She ended up in the hospital a couple of times this year and each time she came home she begged me to bring her back upstairs. I told her no mom I can't do it I need my space. She don't see how I need my space. I lost my husband and my brother 6 years ago and had alot of changes in my life and I just can't understand why she would want to be putting a burden on me. I have a wonderful fiance in my life now and he lives with me and she wants to be living upstairs with us. She just don't see what she is doing to me. Actually, she do know because I have told her but she just couldn't care less as long as she is gets what she wants. And it doesn't matter where she is she isn't happy regardless. It's sad to see the last years of her life is making me despise her. My brother told her if she went into assisted living everyone would be happy and our relationship would be much better. But she is too self absorbed to do that. She makes me feel guilty for everything. Sorry for the babbling and there's more I could say but it would be too long. But for anyone thinking of taking in a parent think LONG AND HARD before you do so...trust me
Marie, you used the "sharp as a tack" phrase which tome has always been a red flag. It usually means the person remembers and recognizes all familiar people and is generally oriented and can carry on a conversation. But, there is more to brain function than that. There is empathy and judgement and perspective taking. You did not despise her before this phase, which suggests to me she is not just a chronically needy selfish person. She is not happy because of her illness and what age and illness has taken away from her; she thinks you could fix that by being more devoted to her wants and needs. She's wrong of course; she would feel better if she could and would do even a little for herself, but has come to see herself as more helpless than she really is. So, you are not "raising" her, you are catering to her! Maybe too much - part of "raising" someone is doing for them only what they really cannot do for themselves, and enabling them to find ways of doing what they can. Illness, particularly chronic illness, does NOT mean you become entitled to be waited on like a princess or a queen the rest of your life, but that's what she is thinking.
Ask yourself this - if Mom did what she could and you did not feel guilty about not being able to absolutely everything for her, could life with her be good again? If not, then your brother has a point, and she would not be less happy than she is now by moving to assisted living, where she also might not feel as entitled to having everything done for her. Lots of people have some sense that they can't run a staff member ragged 24x7 but a son or daughter they see as owing it to them. You can't right now imagine it, because of the false guilt, but she and you might both be happier with her in assisted living, and she might not be entitled to have the deciding vote on it. But, if that is not what you want, and you thing you can change some things, then by all means set limits that make your life with mom not just tolerable but livable. Think outside the box of guilt you have been living in. I know that is easier said than done. And do realize that "self-absorbed" is a product of fear, illness, depression, and waning social and empathy skills. There may be medication and.or counseling that would help with that too.
I am a 48 year old woman with a 69 year old mother. I live in a rented two bedroom town home with my husband and 20 year old daughter. My parents moved across country 22 years ago because they wanted to be close to us. They have never been financially savvy so they rented in a subsided unit. My father had heart problems at 57yrs old and then got cancer and died. During that time my daughter was 5 yrs old and in part time kindergarten and day care. I worked part time and eventually gave up my job to help care for my dad when he became palliative. He died at 60 and my mom was 55 years old. I have never had an easy relationship with my mom but during that time it was very difficult and we lost our tempers frequently because my dad made all the decisions financially ( really bad decisions). He told me he was sorry that he never taught her anything but that her anxiety and ruminating constantly deterred him from talking to her. She gets angry very easily which was why I left home and never went back as soon as I left for school, which I worked almost full time hours to pay myself in order to be independent. At the same time my husband my dad was dying he was dealing with his mothers sickness and subsequent death at 64yrs old across the country. The toll of it all,including my mothers anger and needing to learn to live independently at 55 yrs old has been difficult. She doesn't drive and refuses now to even take transit now at 69 yrs old and in reasonable health. She has acted 80 most of the time she has been widowed, with me taking her shopping every week to get groceries and liquor and going to her non urgent doctor visits, which she insists I go in with her for. Over the years we have not always treated each other with due respect, but I am working on it. I went back and upgraded my degree so I could get a better job at 45 yrs old and now I have a career. My mom has decided she needs to live with me because they are phasing out her subsidized housing and the housing market is becoming out of reach to buy and rental unit availability is 1 percent vacancy.. I can not see her on the streets, but having her living with me would be almost intolerable. Even if we got another unit with three bedrooms they are tiny and have 30 steps. The only bathroom even has steps up and down to it, which could be problematic for even my husband and I in the future. Mom is use to having things her own way and I know it would take a toll on my health and marriage. I feel caught between a rock and a hard place.
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If your mom said you're "bad and selfish" for not taking her in, that's just a guilt trip she's sending you on. There's nothing wrong with wanting to have a relatively happy, normal life with your husband and children. Needy people equal entrapment, so don't do it! But It it makes you feel better, let her stay overnight once every other month and visit during the Holidays. Be candid about it, but don't negotiate.
My mother has been draining the life out of me and my marriage now for over 3 years. it has put a real strain on me, my husband, our finances, etc. I now live in a prison called home, I am unable to go anywhere or do anything but take care of My Mother.
Don't get me wrong, its not about loving my mother, I Do love her very much ( I wouldn't be able to do what I've done if I didn't) Just remember, though, Once you start it.. its hard to undo. perhaps had I known then what I know now, I wouldn't be in this position.
just a thought.
thank you so much for your comments. i feel they were extremely helpful. i am trying to find the strength, i am working on finding obtaining some backbone. it is so hard when it is your mother. i think some of it is i am an only child and my parent divorced when i was 7 & mom remarried. i feel alone and guess she is the last little bit i have and am afraid to stand up to her. but this is no way to live with like you say her "bullying me" i need to speak up and say you can't just call me and complain about everything-she is so negative. i have to dig myself out to try to feel happy. i am always crying after i get off the phone with her and if i haven't spoken to her i worry about her. she told me she was re-writing her will when she was upset with me, so i guess i am going to be out and my kids will get all of her estate (she doesn't have alot just a modest house paid for and some money in the bank). i guess my mother feels she can try to keep hurting me-nothing like the love a special mother! i don't feel i should just sell my soul for these remarks. how awful!!
sorry to keep going on----
thanks again for all your insight!!!!
Does your mom have any hobbies? Does she enjoy her own company? She must think you're her entertainment committee. I told my mom one time when she got possessive like your mom is that I wasn't her entertainment committee, didn't want to be, didn't have time to be, and she should be ashamed of wasting her time feeling sorry for herself when she could use her talents doing something worthwhile, make everyday count, be thankful you're alive. You aren't guaranteed a tomorrow so why waste today being miserable and making everyone else around miserable too.
I agree with naheaton, that pity party train gets real old, real fast.
You deserve your freedom. You need to build a new life. You're a parent with kids who need you. Mom needs to get a number and wait in line.
I too am taking care of my mother in my home and it has been more exausting than I ever thought it would be.
I am also married, but my kids are grown, so at least I don't have to worry about neglecting the children ( which eventually would happen ).
When they are lonely they become extremely dependent on you to fulfill their time more often than not which leads to a lot of things not getting done.
Your children are young and need you...that in itself is a full time job.
Talk to her about assisted living or somehting else, just be sure to explain to her that your not leaving her completely to others, that you'll always visit her.
Find some way to let her know your there for her, but that you also have a family that needs you too.
Maybe when the kids are grown and you and your hubby has had a little down time she could move in.
Whatever you decide, be sure to talk it out with your Husband and kids because it will effect them too.
it's a 24/7 job ...even though you love them with all your heart :)
Wow thanks! Just getting that off my chest was helpful!!
Do you have family members nearby who could help out. Maybe if not on a daily basis ; they could spend a weekend now and again to give you the time to get away for a weekend or more.
It isn't a matter of being all about anyone...it is about a balanced life for you. You've done a remarkable job I am sure of caring for your Mother; howver, we all reach the point of needing to take care of ourselves.
Our responsbility to our parent is to see that they are safe and comfortable. We need to be physically and emotionally healthy to provide them the support they need.
Good luck and god bless!
She is a sweet, caring & loving person BUT, is so dependent on me to be her filler of lonliness even if she has friends popping in everyday. I do her hair for her every week, make sure she has meals that I cook and freeze in single meal sizes so she can just heat up. Take her to Dr's visits, take care of all her finances and accounts. All this I have no problem with, it is the mental strain.
She is extremely sensitive, and always thinks she is putting one out, or that we are talking behind her back, etc. If, I lay in bed on a Sunday, which doesn't happen often, I had a knock on my door, "when are you getting up, I am lonely."
Sunday If I am home is my only day I feel I can "chill", and my bedroom is the only room that is really my private place. If I choose to spend the afternoon watching TV or resting and reading, in my own space, she feels like I am neglecting her, and I tend to feel guilty.
If my friend (male) comes to visit, she needs to control the whole visit, like he is there to visit her, I know this sounds selfish, I don't mind her being there, but she needs to also understand that ok now let me give them some time alone too, and perhaps go to her room. We have one living room.
She has often mentioned, that she will never go to a home, so I have her for the rest of her life.
I have told her that one day she will need frail care, which I cannot do, and will have to look at going into assisted living one day.
She does not even want to discuss this.
I sometimes feel like I am being throttled!!!!
If anyone has a similar situation, would love to chat. Need to speak to someone who understands. She loves me dearly, and would do anything, but it is the mental strain more than anything.
My cats wandering more think hes fed up with this too! LOL and HUG
Ask yourself this - if Mom did what she could and you did not feel guilty about not being able to absolutely everything for her, could life with her be good again? If not, then your brother has a point, and she would not be less happy than she is now by moving to assisted living, where she also might not feel as entitled to having everything done for her. Lots of people have some sense that they can't run a staff member ragged 24x7 but a son or daughter they see as owing it to them. You can't right now imagine it, because of the false guilt, but she and you might both be happier with her in assisted living, and she might not be entitled to have the deciding vote on it. But, if that is not what you want, and you thing you can change some things, then by all means set limits that make your life with mom not just tolerable but livable. Think outside the box of guilt you have been living in. I know that is easier said than done. And do realize that "self-absorbed" is a product of fear, illness, depression, and waning social and empathy skills. There may be medication and.or counseling that would help with that too.
I have never had an easy relationship with my mom but during that time it was very difficult and we lost our tempers frequently because my dad made all the decisions financially ( really bad decisions). He told me he was sorry that he never taught her anything but that her anxiety and ruminating constantly deterred him from talking to her. She gets angry very easily which was why I left home and never went back as soon as I left for school, which I worked almost full time hours to pay myself in order to be independent.
At the same time my husband my dad was dying he was dealing with his mothers sickness and subsequent death at 64yrs old across the country. The toll of it all,including my mothers anger and needing to learn to live independently at 55 yrs old has been difficult. She doesn't drive and refuses now to even take transit now at 69 yrs old and in reasonable health. She has acted 80 most of the time she has been widowed, with me taking her shopping every week to get groceries and liquor and going to her non urgent doctor visits, which she insists I go in with her for. Over the years we have not always treated each other with due respect, but I am working on it.
I went back and upgraded my degree so I could get a better job at 45 yrs old and now I have a career. My mom has decided she needs to live with me because they are phasing out her subsidized housing and the housing market is becoming out of reach to buy and rental unit availability is 1 percent vacancy.. I can not see her on the streets, but having her living with me would be almost intolerable. Even if we got another unit with three bedrooms they are tiny and have 30 steps. The only bathroom even has steps up and down to it, which could be problematic for even my husband and I in the future. Mom is use to having things her own way and I know it would take a toll on my health and marriage. I feel caught between a rock and a hard place.