I’m a sixty year-old daughter of a narcissistic mother who believes it is her children’s job to take care of her in the manner to which she was accustomed. She is still angry with us for selling her house because she thought we should be caring for her there. She has been led to think she is more important than anyone else in the family and my father buckled under her every whim.
She complains constantly despite living in a lovely $5,000/month ASL. Nothing has ever been enough for her; she is attention-seeking and will go to any length to get it.
I was just diagnosed with my second cancer and will start chemo next week. I also have an adult son with severe mental health problems and wonderful grandchildren who I choose to help with. My mother’s complaints include earaches and a sore knee.
I can guarantee that I will not be a burden to my children when/if (god willing) I reach my mother’s age of 86. I will not assume that my children will be responsible for my happiness or that they should be managing my life while I sit and complain about not being able to get my hair colored.
Is this a generational thing? Or is it simply that my mother has never been a very nice person and I resent giving her any amount of energy that I don’t even have for myself?
But now, almost every adult that I speak with in my caregiver groups all say that they would NOT expect their children to take care of them, and that they would not want to be a burden to their children.
Some are even planning measures to end their life, if it comes to that.
My mom has every 'right' to 'complain' about not getting her hair colored, given the context of her life. It's not that she's a selfish, icky person. As a 66 y/o caregiver, I have the gift of understanding of her life experiences and expectations. It's a bitch, I don't like it one bit, but I will survive and learn. I'm reminded of 'the Greatest Generation'. I respect and thank my ancestors, but well, we're actively doing that same degree and challenge of 'work', (working through fear and struggle) without historic precedent. We are the Sandwich Generation. We are strong and brave. I thank this forum for allowing me to write and post here, and in so doing, share, process and affirm my lived experience. I send love and support to us all.
I have found that the most effective response I can give to her complaints and demands (after months of not handling things too well, is "I am sorry you feel that way and I wish there was something that could be done about it. Unfortunately, right now, there is nothing that can be done." And, then, because she has dementia, I ask a question that totally changes the subject.
I used to own a senior residential care home so I have spent a lot more time than most people thinking about my "old age". I agree with you that I won't be a burden to my children if I can help it. I have had a long term care policy for years. In my experience some older people are very sweet and considerate and easy to care for while others are just miserable and demanding. We just have to be careful not to think that we are going to fix their personality by trying to fix their problems. I have considered this year as an opportunity to learn how to set boundaries with my mother and to focus on balancing caring for her with self care so I don't become too resentful. It is just hard to get old. There is no getting around it and having seen what I have seen I hope to plan ahead and not be surprised when I wake up one day and realize I am old. Although I did wake up one day shocked that I am now considered a senior citizen. I sure don't feel like one yet. LOL
I'm not sure I could make such a plan but I suppose I could take up surfing in my 80's & let fate take over.
I am in the middle of reading "Final Gifts: Understanding and Helping the Dying," written by two hospice nurses, a very intriguing book. Someone in this forum suggested it. Thank you. The common theme so far in the book is that many dying people see dead loved ones or angels before they die. That includes people of faiths and atheists. They saw what lay ahead for them when they leave the physical world.
It is a confirmation for me as I do believe that our bodies die, and our souls transition to another dimension.
My ideal death would be to have my loved ones from both sides next to me, one side waiting and welcoming, one side saying good byes for now, as my doctor assists me to transition from one plane to the next. Why can't the law accommodate people to have a peaceful exit? That would be so humane.
86 is nothing. I have a 99 year old lady (who I would quite like to adopt as my own granny because she is a complete sweetie-pie) on tonight's round who is still managing in her own home. We visit three times a day to help with her medication and check she's okay, because her eyesight is not so good now and her hands aren't as strong as they were. Her bed call is at twenty to eight but most days you'll find she's already undressed, cleaned her teeth, and got into bed by herself; although one evening she'd curled up on her sofa and fallen asleep like a little dormouse. She was worn out because she'd been taken into town for lunch that day, and told me proudly that she'd put on a facemask for the first time in her life!
Generational thing... As it happens, this lady lives in an almshouse, a comparatively modern one with "1808" carved on the keystone over the gate. There are a few of them in our city: communities of little houses built 200, 300 or in one case nearly 500 years ago for pensioned-off servants, old clergymen, the aged and infirm who had no families able to look after them. They were founded and paid for by the church, other charitable foundations or local philanthropists. They still function beautifully as retirement properties.
In Anthony Trollope's book 'The Warden' there is a character who lives in such an almshouse, impoverished after a prosperous life's work because his children conned him out of his money and left him neglected and helpless. 1855, that book was published.
So no, I don't think the issues of aging ever really change.
The other grandparents remained for years in their own nearby home with combo of family and caregiver help. Eventually, they had short-term need of what would today be considered "hospice"care. I was never aware of any family hardship or resentment over of this.
It may have had more effect than I was aware of, however, because my parents were determined never to be dependent on their children. They made foresighted financial decisions. I offered to let my widowed father live with me when he needed care (I am a nurse and was unmarried). Both my brothers pressured him to agree. It was an easy solution for them. They were too busy to offer anything but advice during my mothers final days.
It might have kept my father out of a nursing home and he knew it, but he adamantly, and repeatedly, refused my offer. God love him! He said he did not want to interfere with any plans I might have for my future and my career. I will always love and admire him for this.
So yes, family expectations may be somewhat generational, but not always. Not entirely. Sometimes it is more a matter of individual character.
I just wanted to make the point that though my father lived almost an entire century, he deliberately departed from the expected elder-care pattern of his day. He cared for his own elderly parents and in-laws, but willingly gave up his own comfort in old age for a daughter that he loved. He was not a perfect father, but I wanted to somehow give tribute to his unselfishness.
It seems that with a shorter life expectancy people really didn’t take care of themselves the way we do now at the same age. My parents never exercised while I swim daily and walk daily.
Also, 50 years ago senior housing was often the dire "old folks home" of my parents nightmare. The last refuge of the impoverished. I have spent a lot of time recently researching AL for Mom and there are some very nice places out there!
The Boomer generation is definitely changing the face of retirement communities. Yes, it can be expensive but why not spend your hard earned savings on yourself? I have never understood people wanting to "leave something to the kids." I have worked and saved since I was 15 and figure to spend it on my own care rather than expect my family or the state to pay.
Mom told me years ago that she did not want her kids to have to take care of her the way her sister did their mom who was widowed early and received a $63 a month railway pension. Mom saw what a toll it took on my aunt and didn’t want us to go thru that.
I am 66, no spouse or kids. After 5 years of dealing with my parents health and financial issues I have started the process of eliminating my own "stuff" with the anticipation of moving into senior living at some point. I don’t want, or expect, anyone to have to clear out 50+ years of accumulated clutter. I have also started to look for my next home, low maintenance and accessible when needed.
I also hope that in 30 or 40 years society will allow me to choose to end my life as and when I want to, no one should be forced to endure the indignity of a miserable old age.
If I get dementia, and/or can no longer care for myself then I am going to put my final affairs in order, take a bunch of pills sure to do the job and go to sleep, forever.
Most people can get through something if it is only temporary. When it is ongoing therein lies a huge problem!
It is extremely controversial for many and will not grow in popularity quickly. At least it is available in some states.
Properly managed, I feel that assisted suicide could be blessing for so many.