I’m a sixty year-old daughter of a narcissistic mother who believes it is her children’s job to take care of her in the manner to which she was accustomed. She is still angry with us for selling her house because she thought we should be caring for her there. She has been led to think she is more important than anyone else in the family and my father buckled under her every whim.
She complains constantly despite living in a lovely $5,000/month ASL. Nothing has ever been enough for her; she is attention-seeking and will go to any length to get it.
I was just diagnosed with my second cancer and will start chemo next week. I also have an adult son with severe mental health problems and wonderful grandchildren who I choose to help with. My mother’s complaints include earaches and a sore knee.
I can guarantee that I will not be a burden to my children when/if (god willing) I reach my mother’s age of 86. I will not assume that my children will be responsible for my happiness or that they should be managing my life while I sit and complain about not being able to get my hair colored.
Is this a generational thing? Or is it simply that my mother has never been a very nice person and I resent giving her any amount of energy that I don’t even have for myself?
As for being a "burden" to your children, were they not a burden to you when you devoted so much of yourself to them when they were babies and all through their childhood years? This is what families do - they care for one another. Nobody has to put up with abuse, but we are obligated, I believe, to make sure our parents are not left to die in poverty. Beyond that, it depends on the situation. It seems your mother is just fine financially.
Nobody has to listen to somebody else whine and complain all the time. If she calls, tell her you are too busy or too tired to talk. She can only make you miserable if you let her.
If I were you, I would have as little contact with mom as possible. You don't need that aggravation with all the other problems you have. Laura Schlessinger has some excellent books on how to deal with what she calls toxic relatives.
Hope things get better for you and that the cancer treatment is successful. I will pray for your healing and relief from the stress.
I wonder about this sentence "...but we are obligated, I believe, to make sure our parents are not left to die in poverty." Some of our parents have made such a mess of their personal finances through greed, mismanagement, hoarding etc. They would become a financial vampire on their children if they could.
I don't think you were referring to parents like this in your post, but for me reading that I am somehow obligated to provide financial support for someone who was never there to support me, who actively defamed my character and has neglected a trust to the tune of a few hundred thousand dollars in back taxes, maintenance and neglect, is a trigger and causes an tearful reaction.
I read about final exit and will stock pile pills. I cannot count on DD to pull the plug
This is key! In my case, it was anger towards my brothers, who did so little to help out, before, during and since the move to MC. I did have to come to the realization that anger and resentment were NOT going to change them, AND had a negative impact on me, so I had to learn to let it go. Before getting to that point, I did start one email for each, and over time would put it away (draft folder) and then edit/add to it, until finally it was enough. I could say what I wanted in it and get it out. I never sent them, as it wouldn't change anything for the better, but would more likely make things worse, so there the drafts sit!
I mostly severed ties with OB (over 2 years, no contact), but due to mom's recent stroke, I sent info/msg so he would be informed. Took 15 hours to get back "Thanks for update". That was it. The other was needed to take her to Mac Deg appts as she wouldn't stand/walk alone, and I can't support her weight. Given her age, dementia and now stroke, I canceled future treatments, so basically once we finish up everything, I'm done with him too!
You can pick your seat, you can pick your nose, but you CAN'T pick your family!
And yes, the generations are different. This current generation seemed "Sandwiched" between helping their parents at the same time they are supporting grown children. And I think it is doubtful that the coming up generation will have a whole lot to give their elders. It's a different world. Many of them are still paying off college loans while getting Social Security.
As the old Dylan song posited, The Times They Are A-changin. They always have been. Changing, that is.
I would caution everyone to save for yourself; you will need it. There are more and more senior living, and as this generation moves into needing care I suspect there will be ever more options, both because many jobs will be lower pay jobs in health support and because there will be more and more senior living villages and such because of the need. A guess for our dystopian world. Or, there will be more fires like those eating up my own area, and more pandemics to take us out before we become too needy. We will wait and see, shall we?
Mom took care of dad while he was still able to get around, but eventually he had to move to a facility. She never asked us to care for him and when much later she developed dementia, she was ADAMANT that she wouldn't move ANYWHERE, but esp not AL. She (dementia) thought she was fine and could manage on her own.
I've already told my kids that if I follow mom down the yellow brick road, find a nice place for me. Visit if you WANT to visit, otherwise, go on with your life. I had mine. Manage things for me, but otherwise, enjoy what you can in your own time!
I've said it time and again, but as our parents get old, they revert to more toddler-like behavior in many ways. You wouldn't begrudge a toddler your attention for a sore knee or an earache, but because it's your mother who was once an adult who could care for herself, you can't understand why she doesn't just suck it up and deal with it. Unfortunately, she can't, and that's just how it is.
I clearly remember when my relationship with my own mother shifted from mother/daughter to daughter/mother. If you haven't taken that step mentally, I think it makes it much more difficult for you to work with your mother's limitations.
You need to put your own health first, but keep in mind that she's not necessarily trying to get attention or demand she be kept in the lifestyle to which she's become accustomed, but rather she is someone with diminishing capabilities, knows she is near the end of her life, and is quite honestly afraid of what's to come as we all will be someday. Try to keep that in mind as you deal with her.
My mother is 91 and is terrified she's going to die before she gets old. She doesn't know she's already old, but she knows she's scared of dying. That's how her mind works now. She, too, vowed she wouldn't be a burden to her children. She battled with her father over hearing aids because he didn't want them, and everyone was tired of yelling not to be heard. So guess what my mother fought us on when she was losing her hearing? Yup.
I'd just say that OP needs to take care of her health first and foremost, but definitely cut her mother some slack. It's easy to look at old age from the perspective of a younger person, but the reality is very different once we arrive at that place. Be kind to your mom.
These types of women live to complain and to blame US for all their misery. My mother is soon to be 94 and hasn't had ONE day in all those years where her life has been 'enough'. My father was never 'enough', either, and she was glad when he died! Her chronic, endless complaining and misery consists of her legs hurting and here I am, going for surgery tomorrow which I haven't even bothered telling her about. What for? If it doesn't involve HER, it doesn't matter. Ain't that the truth?
My DH and I have 7 children between us; we will NOT be a burden to ANY of our children if we live long enough to get to old age, and will have enough opiates on hand to do away with ourselves if/when the time comes. Plus, Colorado is an assisted suicide state, so we're all set.
Wishing you good luck and Godspeed with your chemo treatments, my friend. I pray that you have a full recovery with no more cancer diagnoses ever again.
maybe 6 months later my FIL asked me how to get the same type of pills that my brother in law had taken. I must say I was shocked but I did explain that it is not legal in our state and he had been dying of cancer when those pills were taken. I told him that he could not get those pills just because he was old. He dropped it. He died 2 years later, this past May.
Several of you have mentioned stockpiling opiates so that you could end things. Might not be that easy and I am a little worried that by the time I felt ready to do it, I would not be able to initiate the action. My in-laws both died in the past year. They lived in their own home until October 2018. They probably should have moved a couple of years earlier. They lived great lives and she was 93 and he was 95. Luckily they saved their money and had enough to pay for memory care rooms for both of them. We did supervise them and visit them after moving them to our town. I would hope for something similar with less dementia. We are getting ready to move closer to our daughter. Not super close but closer than 2000. I plan to monitor our situation and take action to move if we cannot manage on our own. Not making them stress the way we did. I am a nurse and I feel like that helped me guide their process. My son is engaged to a lovely girl. Pills could be in my future as well I guess but we will see.
I had unusual circumstances that caused me to allow my mom to move into our family home. She had just lost everything she owned in Hurricane Katrina. She had no flood insurance because it wasn’t required in her neighborhood. The only reason why her home had nine feet of water was because the levee broke.
Mom was emotionally devastated. So was I. I felt so badly for her that I wasn’t thinking clearly at the time. It was my childhood home where I grew up.
Mom had little funds, certainly not enough for an assisted living facility like your mom lives. I didn’t consider a nursing home as an option either. I just wanted to comfort her. I had compassion because I am a charitable person at heart.
My emotions got in the way of thinking clearly. I had promised my father that I would always care for her after his death. She needed me more. She no longer drove due to her Parkinson’s. Well, you get the picture.
The dynamic of the relationship changed after she moved in with us. It didn’t start out badly but it surely ended up being a challenging and difficult experience.
All I can say is that I felt as if I lived with her instead of her living in my home with us. She had a strong desire to still be ‘mom.’ She didn’t seem to respect me as her adult daughter instead of her daughter as a child.
Anyway, periodically I would hear my daughters say to me, “Mom, we will take care of you like you are taking care of grandma.” My children adore her and she adores them. I have never interfered in their relationship.
I did not wish to take my children’s grandmother from them, nor take her grandchildren from her and they get along well.
I did tell my children though that while I appreciated their sentiments I did not want them to care for me. At first they responded with, “But we want to do it, Mom.” I said to them, “That will change if I am no longer capable of caring for myself and I never want you to feel obligated to care for me.”
So, I am breaking the cycle of family caregivers and I am totally at peace with my decision.
I am also at peace with my mom being cared for with hospice and that she is no longer in my home. I speak to her but she is nearly deaf now. Communication is difficult.
I have a hunch that the younger generation will not be as quick to decide to be caregivers as past generations. Just look at the number of assisted living facilities that have been built. It’s a huge business!
endure it....
I grew up in a care-giving household. My Mom died of cancer and she was taken care of at home when possible, my grandma had cancer and my Dad took care of her while battling his own cancer. So caregiving was what was done. But I do not expect my stepdaughter or step son to help care for me, I do not expect my sister to care for me. I have also informed them of my health care wishes. I have a Will and POA selected for Health and Financial. (I should make some changes to the Will though...)
While caring for my Husband I made the decision to buy Long Term Care Insurance. Yes the payment once a year hurts! But not as much as the hurt, anger, resentment of family would.
The house I am in I bought when I knew my Husband would need a place that was accessible so I plan on "aging in place" in a house built for it.
And I have actually gone through closets, the basement and tossed stuff out or donated. I want no one to have to weed thorough my "treasures" so I am trying to cull out stuff that I really am not attached to.
Save your energy to focus on the positives in your life - your family and and whatever else gives you strength to stay as healthy as you can and to enjoy life.
I have helped with my aunts who have passed and now my mother, and my husband and I are both retired and are very active and enjoy helping with our grandchildren. When the need arises for us to get help (we're in our mid 60s), we both want to stay in our home as long as possible, get help in, and if needed, move to senior living or a smaller home.
Take care of yourself and I wish you and everyone here the best!
Agreed when possible, BUT this does NOT mean we have to provide the actual care, nor does it mean we have to kowtow to every whim and demand. The best of my ability is to ensure my mother is in a very nice, safe place, cared for better than I ever could do, and manage everything for her, while visiting when I can.
Even this isn't always possible. If there are no funds to cover a place, our choices are very limited. Some people cannot provide in-home care if they are still working and raising a family. Some of us are seniors ourselves and have our own physical and medical limitations. There are NO simple answers.
I help and enjoy caring for my six grandchildren. My mother resents this and is jealous although she cared nothing for her own grandchildren.
My mother's plan included AL - I know this because a few times she said she needed to clear out stuff in case she ever has to "get outta here." When I asked what that meant, she said assisted living. Okay then, good plan and good to know.
Enter dementia. So much for that plan! In her mind, she was fine, independent and could cook. She wasn't, and couldn't. We tried bringing in aides, 1hr min, to get her used to having someone around, to increase as needed. Less than 2 months, she refused to let them in, repeating her mantra. At that point I saw to it legal paperwork was updated and starting researching dementia and AL/MC near me (her condo was about 1.5 hrs away and most AL/MC in her area was VERY expensive.) I wanted her closer to where I live so I could manage things easier, esp in winter! So, as the time approached to make the move, she was adamant she would NOT move anywhere, ESP not AL! Let the fun and games begin!
She's been in MC over 3.5 years now, is living at least 40+ years ago, and just recently had a stroke. Denied hospice. Really? At 97, virtually no hearing, losing eyesight, won't stand/walk on her own, overweight, loss of right side control, slurring words. Whatever.. we continue on...
always there even our family vacations she came along. Now I am her house slave. It is probably a family thing cultural thing. I have started that I do not want my children to take care of me, it is a horrible ending.
My prayers are with you for your total healing. You have a lot on your shoulders. I am so sorry you are going through this.🙏🌻
I have tried to set up for myself as much financial help as possible for my future. The thing I am worried about is losing my ability to make good decisions and not having anyone to help me with those. If I had had any children, I would not expect them to do anything caregiving for me.
I have many friends that have parents that planned for their care, even if they didn’t have a lot of funds. I have friends with kind and loving parents and my friends are happy to be around them and pitch in. I married a person with a tight knit happy family and every talks through options and makes reasonable decisions.
Similar to you, my mother was abusive and neglectful. I HAD to disconnect years ago for my own well being. I now manage her care from a distance. Putting in boundaries was very hard. Nothing made her happy in her life and she’s still that way even with dementia!
I’m not sure it’s generational. I think there have always been families that function better than others. But our generation is aware that we will be living longer. Our families are smaller and our children face a higher cost of living and will need to work longer. And those of us that have had those mean and selfish parents, don’t want our children to suffer with our care.
It sure does make a difference when the elderly person is kind and appreciative. One of my grandmothers was just a delightful person who loved to laugh and have a good time. She frequently had visitors.
I think there will always be people letting their parents live with them. People that will put them in a Senior Home and People that do nothing.
My Dad is 96 and he stayed in his own home where he wanted to be with 24 7 Care.
The Insurance won't cover it as they will only cover the price if my Dad is in a Senior Care Place.
Fortunately my Dad has enough money to pay for his Care for about 3 yrs then I will try to hire a Live In for him because it would be less expensive.
It is hard to visit now and she can go out. We are trying to get her to leave her room and come outside on her own but she has been refusing. She says she still walks but we do not believe her. Should we keep trying or make the effort just to visit her in her room. I think it is good if she walks or goes outside. I think she may be scared to walk or leave her room. She has always liked us to go up and take her back. Now you have to make an appointment to visit.
ive been paying for longterm insurance for my husband and myself since i was in my mid-50s and keep hoping the insurance keeps us on. I turned 80 this year and am still active and looking for a job. But im not counting on on my health.
i wrote a letter to my daughter and granddaughter (Out if state) the other day telling im apologizing now for what the future may bring. I havent mentioned that i have low-grade hardening of the arteries which is incurable. I’ll tell them as progression happens as there is no cure. It eats away the white matter in the brain.
i’ve investigated long term facilities in the area as my husband refuses to go and i will be on my own and of course want someplace nice.
anyway ... to answer your question ... yes i do think some things are generational. Im old enough to remember smelly crowded nursing facilities. In fact unfortunately they are still around. But ive found some clean sunny active places and am on the waiting list for when the time comes. I just hope my mental capacity is intact to enjoy those before going to memory care ... also nice facilities ... where i wont notice.
of course the main ingredient in all this are the caregivers. The facility may be beautiful but if the caregivers arent it will be sad.
now all i need to do is clean the house.