Hi all. Here is my situation that I could use a bit of advice with. I am 37 and am an only child. My husband and I live less than 10 minutes from my parents. My mother is almost 73 and my dad is 80. They struggle quite a bit financially as they live solely on monthly social security benefits. My husband and I have always helped them as much as we can, but it has been more and more frequent over the last 4-5 years.
In 2013 or 2014, their only vehicle died and they could not afford to buy a new one. My husband and I had 2 SUVs, but since I work from home full-time, we really only used one of them. One of them we had just finished paying off and the other one we were still making payments on. When their car died, my parents asked if they could borrow one of ours, to which we said yes. We gave them the one that was paid off. A few weeks later, my dad called me and asked if they could borrow it "indefinitely," meaning that it would stay at their house for them to use, but it would still be ours and we could use it anytime we wanted. My husband and I agreed to do this. Well, about 6 months later, while my dad was at a stop sign (it was snowing), when a truck came flying around the corner, hitting the front end of our vehicle, causing significant damage. Thankfully, my dad was not hurt, but the vehicle was a 100% loss. The other driver's insurance paid us what they deemed it was worth, but it was not enough to buy a new vehicle outright. My parents constantly hounded me about getting them a new vehicle, which would mean that we would have to take on a new payment. At one point, my father even said to me, "If your mother and I don't have a vehicle, we may as well just roll over and die."
That spring, my husband and I went out and bought ourselves a new vehicle (we financed it) and gave my parents our other vehicle, which we have been making payments on the entire time. Thankfully, we only have about 6-8 months worth of payments left on it. On top of that, we also pay for my parents' phone service and have them on our family plan. We help them with food also.
The issue now is with my mother and her incessant guilt trips. Last week, she was telling me about how their cable services were going to be shut off because they can't pay the bill until they get their SS checks on the 3rd. Later that day, my mother texted me and asked if we could lend them $50. She said if we could do that, then they could just overdraft their bank account to pay the cable bill. We gave them the $50. Well, a few days later, my mom texted me and said that the check they used to pay cable will actually NOT clear, so they will still be shut off. I said I would see if we could help pay some of it, to which she replied, "Oh, no! Don't you worry about it. We will be fine." A few days later, she texted me in the morning saying, "Hi. How are you? We are just sitting here waiting for our cable to be shut off. We went to the food pantry and all they gave us were noodles and black beans, but don't you worry. We are fine." I responded by saying, "Do you have any idea what it does to me when I wake up and see texts like this from you?" She then apologized all over the place. Then, this morning, I woke up to a text from her saying, "You won't believe what I did. I broke the new coffee maker you got us. I feel horrible. I lifted the top and it got stuck under the cabinet and snapped off. I'm so sorry. I know it was expensive. If you don't want to talk to me ever again, I understand." She then told me how she had been crying about it all morning and said they now have no way to make coffee. I said we couldn't replace it right now, but she said, "No! Don't worry about it." However, I KNOW she wants us to replace it.
She always does this pity party/guilt trip with me.
I can't take much more. She is getting worse and I feel guilty for being at my breaking point, but I am starting to feel resentment. I worry about them enough. Any advice?
A member of my family married someone who could not just ask for a favor or help with some small task - she had to precede any request with some language that indicated she was "owed" assistance. This was learned behavior from her divorced parents interactions. My family member was extremely irritated by the "setup" which often made him feel he had failed in some regard or that his wife was unhappy being the stay at home mother she said she wanted to be. Instead of asking her husband, "Could you give our son his bath while I finish supper?" she would tell him how she had been stuck with the baby all day and he needed to take over his care for the night. I asked my family member if he had a problem giving the baby a bath or taking care of his son and he said not at all. I advised him to ignore and not respond to the "setup", reply as cheerfully as he could "sure thing" and do what she asked. Later, when the baby was asleep and things were calm, tell his wife how the "setup" made him feel and express that it wasn't needed with him - all she needed to do was ask. That conflict was what she saw and remembers from her divorced parents but they weren't divorced and could work together. I asked my family member to view that "setup" behavior as a big hurt from her childhood that she would probably never be able to completely walk away from, but could probably diminish as she became more confident and secure in her new roles as wife and mother.
Similarly your mother was apparently taught in childhood that she needed to be "needy" to gain what she wants, so she is giving you the "setup" before any request. She may or may not be deliberate with the guilt trip but she probably cannot change this learned behavior at this point. Because there's no "punishment" when you decline leads me to believe it's possible your mother may not be aware of the guilt trip effect. If you can learn to recognize the record when it starts playing and see it as her affliction that has no personal direction at you, then you can learn to mostly ignore it too. Just wait until the record runs down and then respond to the request itself with a logical decision.
There's always a fine line between aiding and enabling. I chose to do some things for my own parents that were definitely enabling my father with vascular dementia to be more financially irresponsible; however, I did them anyway to make things more stable for my very responsible mother while she was taking care of Dad. Help with your parent's needs but please be very selective in how you help with their wants. It's OK for you and your family to have luxuries when your parents do not. They don't really need the latest and greatest coffee maker - they do need a safe coffee maker.
Maybe your husband and you have to sit down and figure out a monthly budget of what you can afford to spend on your parents and then tell them come this is the only amount of money that you can give and they’ll have to manage without your assistance beyond that or wait to the next month. Be loving, firm and let it go. Deflect the guilt trips like arrows to your heart, they can’t hurt you if you don’t let them pierced you. You know it’s a tactic so just keep telling yourself that until you can get your boundary firm and you’re OK with yourself about that. be strong. love yourself, love your family, set your limits. And get better advice than mine. hugs.
When she makes a comment designed to make you pity her and feel guilty, if you do not subsidize her, simply ignore the statement and change the topic to something more pleasant.
Even better would be to ignore her complaints and then start talking about yourself. Most self absorbed people hate it when others talk about themselves and will want to end the conversation.
Also do not help her more than you can afford to because, remember, you have your own elder care to plan for.
As another person mentioned, it might be a good idea to find out exactly how they spend their income.
A lot of people who claim to need money, often have plenty in the bank, they simply do not want to spend their own money.
Lastly, if they are really poor, there is financial assistance available.
You will also need to start receiving their bills, or at least reviewing them every month. Cut down on the number of credit cards they have access to. Freeze their ability to get new ones. Make sure they get on every program they qualify for. Look at every alternative / opportunity to save money.
(Some senior centers sell books of taxi vouchers. Keeping a car on the road is
expensive! Work out the per trip cost of their using YOUR car, it will shock you. Taxis are cheap.)
At least that would give you some sense of money in / money out. It's clear they are not making ends meet, and you have been very generous with supporting their lifestyle. No reason you can't continue to do that, that's your choice, but as others have said, you need to place some limits for your own financial security and the sake of your marriage and your own sanity. Those are your conditions.
Sorry to be blunt, but if your parents are insisting (either directly or passive aggressively) that you support them, you should have a say over their financial decision making. I would insist that they hand over control of their finances to you ENTIRELY. Make that a condition of any help you give them. You take over. You pay their reasonable bills and give them a cash allowance that they can afford. And that's it. No handouts.
I know this sounds impossible, but I've been in your shoes with a VERY stubborn parent. Persistence works.
Ifelt awful about it & so called my therapist for an appt. When i finished my story, he told me I'd done a great job so that was my problem. I told him I felt awful about it. He then explained to me that that was normal. I'd done nothing wrong. I'd handled it well.
I encourage you to choose your moment and nicely tell your mom how her actions make you feel. It's very hard to do.
Also, if you attend church, you might seek out your pastor so he can help you to get through this.
And I think your husband would appreciate this positive step and would be supportive as well.
Good luck.
Your parents were a bit older when you were born.
You are no where near retirement age while your mom appears to be aging early. It could be that if you were able to help your father manage their finances it might give your mom some reassurance that they will be taken care of.
It could also reassure your husband that things are under control.
I have a good friend who helps support her sister, a recent widow.
The sister owns a condo with a mortgage. She can’t pay her mortgage so my friend pays it for her and owns an interest in the condo that she doesn’t expect to recoup unless her sister goes into long term care through Medicaid. At that point they would sell the condo, friend would take her portion of the profit and the rest would be spent on sisters care until she spent it down enough to qualify for Medicaid. They have a legal document outlining this so that it doesn’t appear that sister is gifting to my friend when she pays her back at the time she sells the Condo. This allows her sister to live frugally on her social security and my friend not have to worry about her sister being homeless. In my friends case, the condo has a lower mortgage, taxes and insurance payment than alternate housing would cost. They looked and this was the best they could come up with.
Her sister is younger than your mom but was not able to take care of herself financially after her husband died. My friend requires her sister to see a therapist in exchange for helping her. Neither sister has children. This plan might not work for you and your family but do realize that your parents are already vulnerable. You are already augmenting their income. This is a way to control what you spend and be able to get it back when they have to sell their home and it not affect their ability to file for Medicaid if needed.
Of course you and your husband would need to evaluate their total financial situation like any other lender which would help you see if a monthly infusion of cash is what is needed or if there is an unknown problem. In my friends case, she discovered that her sister was playing the lotto thinking that she would win enough to pay the mortgage.
i hope you can come up with a plan that works for all of you.
What we dont address makes everything else on the fringe get affected too. Will it be uncomfortable? Yes. Will it feel bad to change things? Yes. However you already feel bad and it’s alreasy uncomfortable! Why not do things that will move things forward in an healthy way rather than staying stuck in a bad one?
Let them know the bank [of you]is not endless - sometimes ask them to pick which thing they get because you can't afford both - like picking between hamburger & chicken but not both
Let them have the car 3 days a week only & you the rest as you are 'sharing' .... also your insurance may not pay if an 80 year old is primary driver & is not on the policy CHECK THIS NOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF
This is only if neither smokes or drinks - if they do then stop buying them food so they can afford smokes and/or liquor - because it seems they haven't made the wisest choices if all they have is social assistance at their age so why should you support those unhealthy habits
Let Mom own and solve her own problems. Just like raising kids, she may stumble a time or two, but she won't die. And YOU will be set free!
You could take the big step (One big happy family.) and merge yours and your parents’ finances and perhaps write them off as dependents on your taxes, and essentially in a sense return, one for one, what they provided for you while you were growing up. Here you would manage both budgets as one and be the final judge on what required funding. You may have to do this sometime in the future, as you parents’ abilities to manage their own affairs dwindles.
For other approaches there is a whole spectrum for supporting your parents, from just under the One big happy family approach to not doing anything at all. A bad approach is to just sit there and be subject to any request from your parents that happens to come up. It is interesting to imagine what approach your parents would have taken in supporting you (if at all) after you grew up and left the house.
To determine what your approach should be, you need to:
1. Identify what your parent’s spendable income is.
2. Determine, with them – in negotiations, what is their basic set of needs are. If a vehicle is one of them, and I’d be surprised if it weren’t, establish the basic requirements and their financial ability for obtaining one; including insurance, of course.
3. Make your offer of how and how much you are willing to contribute and close the deal.
Thanks for the chuckle!