I have become a mean person since being a caregiver. Does anyone else experience this?

Hello there. I am caregiving my mother in my home and I can relate to every single thing you've said. I've learned to think outside the box like never before. One thing that stands out for me to share: plan time with your wife more frequently! Find ways to be together alone all throughout the day. That you have the opportunity is wonderful in itself and something to cherish, nurture and protect. Picnics, drives, walks and other low-or-no-cost ideas can be quite lovely. You'll be giving your relationship the respect and the space it deserves and, repeated often, can help restore a sense of having your own life again. No one likes feeling like a child again (in the sense that you've shared here) but it can be a lot of fun to instill adventure and romance by acting like teenagers again. ;)

Hope this finds you doing okay, it's been a while since you posted this.

PS Becoming 'mean' has its place if not allowed to go too far. Boundaries and limits are necessary and, sometimes, we need a good nudge to feel okay about implementing. It's your internal guidance speaking to you!

TG, the prime directive in your home is: Love means putting up with endless sh*t. This needs to STOP. It is killing your wife. Literally. Physical health is compromised. Mental health is compromised. That's the sum total. Nothing left after that.

You are on the brink.

Your daughter is causing it and living it.

Your father will be a self-centered azz no matter where he lives. So stick him somewhere else. Now.

SIL will be a useless mooch no matter whose roof is over his head. And, if I understand correctly, daughter gave him a deadline to shape up or ship out of your home that you pay for?? Ummm, no. Your bankroll, your property, your agony = YOUR deadline. (I recommend end of the week. With a complimentary box of Hefty bags, so SIL can start packing.)

I've touched on this before, but daughter's sh*tty marriage needs to be HER problem. Not a shared, multi-generation problem that fouls your marriage.

And....there might be better words for this.....but are you overestimating your daughter just a tad? Let's say she/you/whatever give SIL the boot. How likely is it that daughter will settle into the the mom-dad cocoon? From the glimpses you've given us, I picture her always "saving" for this or that.....while she continues to align herself with people or ideas that distract her from pursuing age-appropriate independence. With you on the sidelines as daughter's #1 cheerleader.

Dude, "don't go there." Because you need to be your wife's #1 cheerleader. Take a good hard look at everything that's gone askance in your household. For each issue, ask yourself what would bring the most peace and strength to your marriage. Then act on it. All of it.

In the meantime, the money you were planning to spend renting office space? Sock away that amount into savings. Every month. To cover upcoming medical expenses. Or dad's move-out. Or a burial plot.

Or -- more optimistically -- the next vaca with your wife. And you won't come home to dog pee and an empty fridge....right? Cuz you will have reclaimed your home.....yes?...!!

Come on, TG. You can do it!

TG, one more thing.

Your mom and dad had a business. Your mom is gone and dad has nothing to show for his years of work. That is not your fault.

From what you've told us, mom put up with dad's spendthrift behavior and may well have died from a condition related to the stress of enabling him, never setting boundaries, never putting herself first.

But weeping in frustration to you about it.

Your siblings appear to have learned a lesson from this.

You appear to have been groomed as the next- in- line enabler.

Someone has carefully taught you that the way to be is not to make a fuss, not to make such a big deal, not to complain.

But then you explode, because there really is NO REASON for you to put up with this.

So, fill in the blanks.

Tomorrow is the day I will --------to improve this situation.

By Monday, May 15, I will--------to improve this situation.

By June 1, I will have ---- and ----- which will reduce wife's stress and enable me to have peace in my home.

The ball is very much in your court, TG.  You, and only you, can start to make the changes that will get you your home back.

  If that's what you want, YOU have to make changes. 

Not be mean.

 Make CHANGES. There's a difference.

tg - we are trying to help you take some action. I don't know what crisis you are waiting for to spur you into action. Your daughter needs a place of her own and to deal with her sad marriage. That is not your job. She needs to do that for herself. You need to get her and sil out of the house where they can deal with their issues themselves. You are enabling their dysfunction by letting them stay. You are also enabling your dad to expect to be waited on. All this enabling is causing great pain and stress to you and to your wife whose health is suffering. Time to put on your big boy pants and do it, and not worry what they or anyone thinks of you. Use your anger productively. Make it happen. You have set deadlines for this and that before and it hasn't helped. So just start doing it - today - now!!!

TG, get those feeloading mooching kids of yours out of your house, like NOW!  They are both working, fully capable adults, that need to be out on their own, and figuring out their own lives, without your interference! Ffs, I have 4 kids, and all of them are fully functioning adults, making us proud every single day, but you are standing in the way of letting that happen! Yes, they may stumble, but that's all a part of growing up!

You Never should have allowed a married couple back into your home, Never! They need to go, like tomorrow, and then you can begin the task of finding a way for you fully capable Dad, to live in a Senior subsidized Apartment! 

Yes,there out there, and if his income is low enough, there's loads of resources available to him, but you are the one who needs to put his foot down, in order for that to happen! If you don't, it's your wife and marriage that will suffer! 

I know, I know, I've been in very simular shoes as you, but my FIL isn't as "sound", physically or mentally, as your Dad sounds, but we are doing it, and he'll be out of my home, Finally, by the end of this month, enjoying Assisted living, and us freedom for the first time in 13 years!

You can do it too, but for God sake, give the kids the boot, and allow them to stand on their own two feet!

Were you not living free of your own parents at this age? I had 2 kids by 22, divorced by 24, working and supporting 2 babies, and all on my own, with no government assistance, so your Dd and husband can surely do this alone!

You are being way to lenient on them and the ones that you are hurting is you, your wife, and that spoiled daughter of yours! She might be better off on her own, without the alcoholic bumm she's married to, and you can support her in finding a little studio apartment, that she can start over in! A live living with a struggling mooch, is no life at all, and it may take her living with him on her own, to figure it out!  You nay be prolonging her agony and decision,  by enabling them to live with you!

I'm sure she's afraid, but there's no time like the present, to force her hand, and you may well be giving her a leg up, helping her to realize that she'd be better off on her!

The day I cried UNCLE, and told my parents that my marriage was over, they were delighted, and after a brief 9 months stay with them, while I worked my way through trade school, to become a Medical Assistant, immediately there after, I was a fully self supportive single parent (with a deadbeat ex husband who didn't pay child support), and my parents were elated and extremely proud of me! It was hard bloody work, but I was proud of me too!

Go and have a talk with your daughter, make her understand that you will always be there for her, but that she can do this, and all on her own, without dragging along her deadbeat husband! If she Does want to continue on with him, the OUT THEY GO! Fly away little birdies, and all of that!

Today, my Dd's and her new husband of nearly a year, moved into their 1st ever purchased home, and I couldn't be more proud of them! Both of these 2 have been through some personal struggles, but together they have soared, accomplishing so much in such a small amount of time! You gotta let them SOAR, or they will never fly! Tough Love my Friend!

http://www.seniorresource.com/asrapt6.php?ST=%27NH%27

Subsidized senior apartments in your state. Get your dad on waiting lists.

TG, i just re-read this thread.

You're right. Dad has to live with you. You and your wife are just going to have to suck up being unhappy with the choice that you made to take him into your home.

Same thing with your kids. You invited them, and for three months, it has been the plan for them to move out. Hasn't happened. Not going to.

I'd say you are in for the long haul with 3 unpaid boarders. I think you and your wife just need to resign yourselves to the fact that this is your life for the foreseeable future.

Maybe encourage your wife to get some counseling so she can learn coping skills and not have meltdowns.

LOL Barb!

I think instead of paying to rent office space TG and his wife should put that money toward a small apartment and just sneak away....

Tg,
You are paying, and paying, and paying.

Keep your entire family in your home.
Do not rent an apartment, storage unit, or an office.

Maybe the key for you is to just stop paying.
Borrow some money from your daughter who has saved hers.

Stop paying for everything.
You and your wife go out for dinner every night for a week.

Have daughter, son in law fix dinner for your Dad. But don't buy anything for the fridge.

Just stop paying. Try it, you may like it!
It is amazing what you can find to not pay for.

And try one week to appreciate all that you have without complaining.
That is called 'thinking outside of the box'.

Barb and Cwillie,
Both good ideas for TG.

I have resolved myself that this is my home I am not renting an office. The money I spend will remodel what I have. Its my house. We are starting to find the kids a place to move to this week. They need to move out. Dad? Well he is here, not much I can do about it, I started it. I have to be a nicer person, I have been angry with everyone lately, even outside of our home. Yesterday Dad I I were working on a project, I was a very unhappy person when I shouldn't have been, I tried to make up for it but too late. The stress is mounting. So the only way is to straight talk with everyone and push them to get going. No more ho hum, everyday it is going to be "what did you do today to get your house"? They will either find one or move out because I am going to be a pain on this. I can't throw my daughter out but I can make him uncomfortable....
Looking up a counselor today for me.... need to vent to more than just my wife.
The minute everyone is out of the house is when we vent and its not good.

Hoorah about the councillor TG!
It kills me that your response (once again) to your situation with dad is that you made your choice and now you have to stick to it come what may, and oh yeah, the problem lies with you that you can't smile with happiness and say thank you for the sh*t sandwich that is your relationship with him.

"We are starting to find the kids a place to move to this week."

"everyday it is going to be "what did you do today to get your house"? They will either find one or move out"

So who's looking for a place -- you or them?

I still don't understand why your father can't live elsewhere. You've had him for three years already. Someone else's turn! If your sibs can take him for weeks at a time, why can't they keep him longterm?

So what do I look for in a counselor? Many years ago we went through 3 with marriage counselors. (2 bad one good), we went through a tough patch and came out so much better. I am not looking for someone to vent to and listen, I need someone who understands what I am going through. Any ideas where to look?

Are you still in touch with the good marriage counselor? S/he might be a good referral source.

You might ask your PCP for a referral to psychiatrist, for evaluation for depression and possible medication.

I think you need to ask yourself whether taking medication is the solution you want to your problems. If it is, then a psychiatrist is your best bet.

If it isn't, then you need someone who can help you find the courage to establish healthy boundaries and make lasting changes in your home and life on a healthy timeline.

What exactly do you think you're going to get from a marriage counselor when the problems stem from your father, daughter and her husband?

Didn't your wife have a health scare recently? It seems clear from reading your posts that having your children and father (and his dog) living with you and your wife is taxing your health and your wife's health. How much longer are you going to resist making the very necessary lifestyle changes to protect yourself and your wife?

tg, getting a house is a much more involved process than renting an apartment. It is not a quick fix. And will take more time to make happen than you realistically have. And....SIL has not proven that he'll do much to maintain a house so is your daughter going to be calling you to help/do repairs? And.....if something occurs between your daughter and SIL, will she be saddled with a mortgage based on two incomes?

Totally aware of her process with a house. She is level headed and basing the mortgage on her income only. As far as a counselor it is not a marriage counselor just one for me to sort out my issues. The process wont be a short one, cant kick them all out in a day. I just have to fix me for the moment. Looking online for a counselor. Its not that easy. Not much in the way of assistance for the caregiver in that regard.

Call your local Area Agency on Aging, they may have listings.

I wasn't suggesting that you go back to the Marriage Counselor ; I was suggesting that s/he might be a good source of referral.

Research from NIH, Consumers Reports and other reputable sources find that a combination of medication and talk therapy is the mot efficacious treatment for depression.

Thanks! I have started researching some for me. I really don't mind being a caregiver, its part of me but it has just got so overwhelming. Like guests who will never leave........
Not a big fan of meds. Too much in my system now. When we went away for a few days I didn't even think about work, it was so nice.
I do need to give myself some constructive tasks to keep me busy. I believe the counselor we used is most likely retired, he was close then and that was almost 20 years ago. He gave us the tools we needed in 3 visits.... after the other 2 made us argue more he helped us to realize what we needed and we have been working great ever since!

Tgengine, being a caregiver is a tough job. Pretty thankless, too. And when siblings don't cooperate, it really stresses your sanity to the max. You know, I was left with some residual bitterness after dealing with my father's 7-year decline and death about 20 years ago. I thought I was done--until 3 years ago, when my mother began to suffer from "terminal falling." My siblings have only gotten worse with their excuses about why they can't help more. Sometimes, I fantasize that my doctor will tell me that the abdominal cramps, bloating and nausea I have turns out to be a terminal illness. But with my luck, my mother would end up passing away the next day! I hate to seem so negative, and I wish I had some useful wisdom to share here...but right now, this is where I'm at.

There is No Way the your daughter and SIL are ready to be saddled with a mortgage right now, and I suggest that you do not force on on them, or more specifically Her! Their marriage is in crisis right now with his drinking problem, and they need to be out living on their own, working on their problems, and figuring out if they have what it takes, to make their marriage last for the long haul!

There's plenty of time for you to help your daughter find a home/mortgage on her own, if this marriage doesn't last, but to have her try to extract herself from him, in the unhappy event of divorce, and dividing up their mutual assets will be very difficult, and might make her stay in a unhealthy and unhappy even longer, adding additional stresses to you and her in the long run.

I would definitely be advising them on getting an apartment, living alone together, and working on their marriage, if not, you are opening up a whole new can of worms for all parties concerned, and you know that you will always be there for her, but a hefty mortgage (and they are All Hefty these days!), on top of marital issues is a recipe for disaster!

It just seems like the best thing for the short run, is to get them out, and leave them alone for whilegal, to figure this out on their own! You're coddling them Way too much!

teng - You can check your local counselling agencies online, read up about the counselors in their employ and make a choice. If it doesn't work out find another one.

"I have resolved myself that this is my home I am not renting an office. The money I spend will remodel what I have. Its my house. We are starting to find the kids a place to move to this week. They need to move out. Dad? Well he is here, not much I can do about it, I started it. I have to be a nicer person, I have been angry with everyone lately, even outside of our home. Yesterday Dad I I were working on a project, I was a very unhappy person when I shouldn't have been, I tried to make up for it but too late"

- glad you are not renting an office
- starting the process this week or to move out this week? Then latter would be better. Really they should find their own place - you just set the move out date and keep it. They can rent an apartment in the interim. It gets them out. Your house is your responsibility, their housing is their responsibility. They need to face their responsibilities.
- of course you are angry, you are in an intolerable situation, You don't have to be nicer, you have to be firmer and deal with what is making you angry i.e. make changes
- there is no such thing as "shouldn't have been an unhappy person. Those are your honest feelings, for good reason. We are not made to take endless cr*p and be happy about it.
- fact: you do NOT have to keep dad with you. You feel you have to, but, in fact, you don't have to and it would be healthier for you and your wife not to have him. What is more important? That you are worried about what people , including yourself, will think of you if you move your dad out, or the health of your wife, yourself and your marriage. Some people here made a promise to never put their parent in a facility, and then have found that they needed to do just that for the sake of their parent and their own sake.

Things will improve when dd and sil move out, but you and wife will still have the self imposed pressure of your dad there, Is that fair to your wife? So you started it. You can end it too.

-

No Golden, I don't believe that TG can find other accommodations for his dad.

He and his wife simply have to learn how to swallow their feelings of being used and manipulated by this old codger.

He's only going to live for another 15 or 20 years, after all.

When you look for a counselor, you look for one with warmth and empathy, who establishes a caring relationship with you, before giving you whatever kick in the butt you need. (Which in turn, may enable you to deliver a few kicks in the butt where they are due and badly needed.) You maybe can't know this before you get started. The main thing is if they do nto seem to connect or care you switch and try again, just as you did with the marriage counselor.

There are miles and miles of ground between being "mean" and "not caring" versus just not being a door mat. Door mats are only good for getting dirt off people's feet. They don't help people become better people, and they don't help resolve any of their other problems.

After many false starts in therapy, I found my keeper.

I always said that I would never, ever go to or benefit from a therapist who was an older Jewish man. (I was a youngish, Jewish woman, and the stereotype of the older Jewish shrink, familiar from Woody Allen films, was just unbearable).

So I saw young, hip guys, I saw youngish, WASP-y women; I saw a whole basketful of psychologists, social workers, therapists, ALL of whom helped me, somewhat.

But the person who helped me turned my life around was, of all things, the person I was prepared to hate. An older (20 years older than I was), NY Psychoanalytic trained psychiatrist who had the first name of my about to be ex husband.

It couldn't work, right?

You know why it did? He had great training AND he was a musician (as am I). We had a shared vocabulary, a short-hand that made me more able to explain stuff to him and made him more able to explicate my situation to me.

You really just have to go and see if it's a fit, TG.

The punchline is that when someone gave me a short list of three divorce lawyers, and one of them had the same first name of BOTH my ex and my therapist, I said, naw, that's a bridge too far.

Who could keep track of three guys with the same first name?

TG, something puzzles me.

You describe yourself as a caregiver to your dad.

And yet you say he has no impairments.

To me, that really doesn't add up.

I have no other name for taking care of my dad than caregiver, "roommate"? When mom passed he was pretty lost. for almost a year I drove multiple states away every 3 weeks to clean the house, pay the bills, manage what was left and get ready to move him. Once here set up his life here, so if that isn't a caregiver I don't know what is (not being sarcastic just a question). He is mobile but has to have his his basic needs met, roof, meals etc. He could live on his own if he had money (SSI only covers his insurance, gas and a few extras). He wouldn't take care of his health or anything else as mom did it all. I guess after a while he would but then again I'd be the bad guy. My wife promised my mom this would be the plan. I am proud that I have the ability to care for my dad and that my house is enough to bring him in. I just can't drop him into an apartment by himself and let him be. Its part of the way I was raised, My grandfather did it with his mother in law, My mom and her brother did it with my grandfather. My aunts and uncles did it with my great-grandfather. It is just that way. I am just looking for a little latitude. Last night I busted my butt to get our addition done for my wife. A sun room I paid for and had built and did a lot myself. She wasn't home 30 seconds and he was in there. All I wanted was 5 minutes with my wife to enjoy it with her and I and he has to be right in the middle. He hadn't moved all day and as soon as she came in he's right there. Then while my SIL asks if we needed anything at the store he whips out cash and tells him to pick him up some fruit. Like he is the delivery boy. That is just what irks me. He doesn't move his butt out of the chair all day and then acts a uppity like he is the king of the castle. The second we have something new he has to be the first to plant himself in it. As I loudly spoke to everyone last night this is "her room". I lost my office in my house so I have to have something that is only ours and not have to share. Sorry, venting again...... I get up every day saying to myself, I have to be nicer, how can I be more pleasant, how can I be a nice guy.... I had a business dinner last night so at least I had a decent time at dinner. My wife had to listen to the oral history of everything.

TG, not sure if dad is selfish, boorish and inconsiderate, or if he's got a diagnosable condition. He could have / be both.

What I fail to discern is why you think you should be cheerful about this.

Why don't you yell him that no one is permitted in this new room but you and wife.? Are you afraid of him?

Would his anger or disapproval be devastating to you?

Heck, I'd be screaming at him at the top my of my lungs.

Why do you think you can't react to his provocative behavior? Do your siblings treat him with kid gloves, too?

It is the typical parent/child respect thing I guess. You can t really yell at your parent. Its just hard living with guests all the time so to speak. I am mentally tired. There is no privacy over all. I don't really talk with my siblings. I am pretty sure they think I am grumpy if he is telling them how things are here. They don't call so I guess so.
it's not that I would be disappointment its just I don't want anymore dram in the house. I have enough. I am all for helping family out but after a while its like fish, after 3 days it starts to stink. Carpets getting worn out, floors getting scratched, general ear and tear at a fast pace. having to clean every day, no one helps, its exhausting.
Looking for a counselor to talk with. Trying to find one that wont break my bank and one I will feel comfortable with. Not really any out there that deal with what seems to be my situation.