Alzheimer’s or an act?
From as early as I can remember our mom has been a world class liar and a narcissist. Our life was hell growing up, though as an adult she became a solid rock for me in times of need, she would sit back and judge, spread lies etc. hurting my sisters and me to the core. We clearly knew she had multiple mental illnesses including being a pathological liar.
I finally moved 15 hours away at 48 to break away and try to become my own person and cut away the puppet strings she and my family had on me all those years. The freedom was amazing and soon I was all but forgotten by most of them. Out of sight out of mind, she was famous for swinging to manipulate those closest to her.
Skip ahead 10 years, I’d built an amazing life, and had only seen my family maybe six times, probably less when I get the call she’s not well. So, already having plans to visit a friend a few hours away, I reroute and go to see her first. A two day stay turned into eight months, I’ve only been back home in total three weeks during this time.
There is so much wrong on so many levels! But, the hardest part is trying to determine if her behavior is from dementia or acting! She turns evil, demanding and persistent, to she doesn’t know who, what or where and can barely walk. Yet, with a flip of a switch she moves pretty darn fast!
Knowing how she was and the undermined games she played when we were growing up. As much as I try not to get angry or automatically go to that place where I can’t stand her and think everything that comes out of her mouth is a lie, my thoughts always race back to a dark place of she’s playing us.
How do you know or what may help me determine if it’s dementia or if she’s playing her usual games? I watch her go from bawling like a baby to calling someone, smiling while throwing us under the bus and spreading lies; before I can walk down the hallway.
My life has been put on hold almost a year now, the only normal is my therapy sessions biweekly. I’m 150% exhausted around the clock. I sleep in a recliner or chair because there’s nowhere else to sleep. I’m 57 and feel less and less capable as time flies by. There are days where my sister and I laugh and cry at the very possibility of us dying before her, our evil mother who missed her calling and should have went into acting!
I often wonder if I’m the one losing my mind.
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One of my family’s favourites: My mother dug a mop out of her closet and used it as a crutch, then walked the 50’+ to us, while crying that she was dying and unable to make it to her walking stick, which was just a few feet from where she’d been sitting. It was a dramatic and absurd display. Our neighbour drove up. She tossed the mop aside and scampered over to her car, all smiles and chatty.
It was all just another of her attention seeking behaviours.
Sounds like your mother pulls the same stunts.
It is dementia AND acting. I think dementia removes the filter such that they’ll do anything, no matter how extreme, to get their desired outcome. You cannot affect that, and will be pushed for more, More, MORE!
You are enabling her. Go home! If her dementia is serious enough that she needs care, keep her at arm’s length - a crisis admission, or through social services. Discuss this with your sisters and form a Grey Rock wall. She’ll try to draw you and your sisters back in. Resist! Now start packing!
Ms. S. tried to help her mother along with the entire auspices of the city and state of New York, for many decades and all to no avail.
I am sad we cannot go back to that call.
Because THE CALL has an answer: That answer is "I am so sorry to hear my mother is not doing well but she and I are estranged and I do not have any intention of being a part of her life again. I hope you will call the Police or APS or whatever is available there. If not, call 911".
Yes, you may lose your mind. We have here seen that often. You may in fact lose your LIFE because we have seen that as well. So the questions now for your therapist (consider switching to a Licensed Social Worker in Private Practice, who can really help you) is what are the next steps to separate you mom out from your own life? Is that APS? State guardianship? Because if it is YOU, you are throwing your own life upon her burning funeral pyre and it is a slow burn.
That will be 250.00 please; I don't take credit cards.
I am dreadfully sorry to be so blunt. There are no answer to our having painted ourselves out of the corner other than waiting for the paint to dry and ruining the soles of our shoes and the floor as well. This didn't just "happen". These were choices. I will accept they were choices you could not have foreseen the FULL consequences of, but you did have history, and you had to know.
On Forum we have seem people who moved in to do care end up in their 60s and 70s with the home they left their home and job to move to going to the state Medicaid clawback. We have sent them penniless to shelters. We just did it yesterday, and in that case not even a family member.
I wish you good luck, but not everything has a pleasant or easy fix and this fix is going to be very difficult. Any therapist who takes your money to hear these tales of woe week after week without pointing out clearly what your options are is, I am sorry, a bad therpist.
I hope you will take steps for yourself. This is choice. There is help but it's hard to find. And you can't wait this out. She will outlive you if you do.
Truly I wish you the very best. Here I am occ. taken to task as the "mean girl" but I swear to heaven there is sometimes nothing that will wake us up other than a shake, and I want better for you. It would be so much easier to say "Awwwww. This is so sad. What a wonderful person you are to take on care for someone who never cared for you." Sainthood is a bad job description. Don't apply.
THAT would have at least got a diagnosis, for all they are worth today, because the sad truth is that they often cannot tell the difference between mental and physical illness.
Cognitive testing will tell you, but it doesn’t matter . Abuse is abuse .
I had a mother who was a narcissist and dementia took away filters or her abilities to stop herself .
There were no guardrails anymore , she was a witch on wheels of a runaway train . Doctor said her brain was wired to manipulate , lie , plan , divide etc . Doctor said her brain was automatically doing these things and she couldn’t stop . Her brain was broken and This was her default mode . Dementia was like throwing gasoline on a fire making my mothers narcissism worse .
This doctor told me she was worried about me and that my mother had to be cared for by non family , because Mom would never behave for me . Mom was refusing to shower , change her clothes , diaper , eat real food ( instead of cookies) . And then there were the lies , gaslighting etc . Pitting my siblings against me .
My mother’s doctor would tell you to place your Mom in a facility .
I had a personality disordered mother myself who developed dementia later on in life, which seems to happen quite often. The ugly, lying, back stabbing traits she had as a younger woman MAGNIFIED 100fold with the dementia. I thank God every day I had decided early on to never live with her again, and took my own advice (for a change). She lived in AL and then Memory Care Assisted Living where her funds were used to pay others to deal with her particular level of nonsense and heartburn.
I'd say, your mother has a nasty cross between dementia and mental illness, which is the worst type of thing to have. Pack up your things and go HOME, you've already stayed way too long putting up with ridiculous and abusive behavior. Treat yourself with the self respect you deserve now, and tend to your own life and family. Mother needs AL or Memory Care Assisted Living now, let The Village deal with her.
You are not the first adult child to be conflicted about caring for an abusive parent who is ill or in decline... many many have posted on this forum. If it is ALZ, there are solutions for her care other than you and your sister, so please don't feel stuck over this. Based on what you told us, in no way should you continue to spend time with her -- no matter the reason.
Continue with therapy so you can get objective perspectives on your boundaries. Like others have suggested to you: please move onward and upward and make the most out of the rest of your life.
That said the picture of your mother you paint in your post, is different than the one in your profile.
In any case I think my response is the same.
YOU as an adult with your own problems, your own life, your own family should not be giving that up to care for a mother that treated you badly, and a step father.
They, your mom and s-dad need to have caregivers come in and help out if caregivers are needed.
If one, or both are not decisional then whoever is POA needs to step in and make the decision how to move forward.
Either fulltime caregivers or a facility that will meet their current care needs.
But you and your siblings should not be putting your lives on hold to do this.
Tell mom and s-dad that you are going home.
If they need help and do not agree to have the help come in once you leave you can report them as "vulnerable seniors" to APS and let them take it from there.
You could contact the local Senior Service Center and see if they qualify for any help. If either parent is a Veteran the VA may also provide some help.
Good luck...you need to move on with your life
Enjoy your life now while you have it.
GO HOME.
Eight months can turn into 8 years if you're not careful. Call your sister and tell her you need to wrap things up with your mother so that you can get back to being 15-hours away and would appreciate her help and support placing your mother.
What is your mother's monthly income? What assets does she have? What can be sold to pay for her care? Her needs are only going to increase.
Your mother has treated you abusively and played these games your entire life (mine too, so I know).
Even if dementia has showed up, it really doesn't make any difference. No one has to live with or have abuse in their life.
Your mother is abusive and manipulative to you and your siblings because she is an abusive and manipulative person. This is why you moved 15 hours away.
So here's the solution to your problem.
Stop playing her games like you bravely did ten years ago and go back to your life.
Have a meeting with your sisters and find a nursing home for your mother. None of you deserve the abuse because you've had a lifetime of it already.
If your mother is "faking" like so many elders do as a way and she gets placed, well she'll learn the hard way that the manipulation, lying, and abusing her family has consequences.
You and your sisters find her a facility and you do back to your happy and much deserved life.
A little F.Y.I. here.
Something like 40% of caregivers die before the person they're taking care of.
They also lie even more to cover up there deficit. Example, moms back hurts, but says she didn't fall, but what is the bruise on her leg?
Best thing to do is just yes them to death, not contradict there lies, but know inside, it may not be true.
As far as feeling crazy. I realized when I'm around certain family members I feel crazy. I'm not crazy when I don't have them in my life. That's because they are narcissistic and they know you to well, and they know how to make you feel in a mental sense instead.
I would if I were you go on line learn more about all types of dementia, Alzheimer's is just one of many.
🙂↕️, wishing you much luck