notrydoyoda Posted January 2012
The Caregiver & Dysfunctional Families: How are you doing?
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Many of us, myself included, come from a dysfunctional family which adds a lot of weight to the challenges of caregiving. I have read stores on various threads on other topics and decided it would be good to have a thread just for this topic for people to share, vent and discuss.
The idea for this thread originated on the thread named "The Caregiver....How are YOU doing today?"
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my daughter handles thing differently than me. Although she is grieving, she is not much of a cryer like me. The boys were upset and still are as children they ask more questions to help themselves understand death. My son is holding up, it’s a mixed bagel because he lost his job a couple weeks ago and has that on his mind on supporting his family. Y brother and sister in law are struggling because they hope he did not suffer like ido. I am having them help with when to have the service because I want them to be here as do too. The issue is they want to drive out but in Jordan Valley, Oregon,there can be a lot of black ice. We can delay the service until spring and I’m willing to do that, but I need them to say let’s wait until march or April. They are part of our family so it’s important to me they be here for it.
today is my first day alone. I need it because I’m an introvert. I’m spending the day crying( I need todo that). I’m more concerned about my husbands dog Buster. Buster knows and is grieving too. I’m giving him lots of extra love. If it becomes necessary, I will get an anti anxiety med for him. I’m hoping it won’t.
thank you Golden and everyone. It’s a process and I’m strong even though I’m a cryer. Sending love and hugs to you all
yes, my daughter has been a huge blessing. I was at the bank on Monday to check activity on our joint account. I did not know my hubs had been found. The coroner came to my house to tell me but I wasn’t home. My son in law works in dispatch for Idaho state police. The coroner called him to let him know and he is the one who told me. My daughter and son in law came over Monday and when I saw my sil with my daughter red flags went up. He told me my hubs had been found. I looked at him, I said, he is gone isn’t he. He said yes. When they let, my sil said I’m so sorry I had to tell you this. I gave him a hug and said, I’d rather it came from you because you are family and I love you.
My dad didn't have covid, but was in the hospital, at the peak of lock down. We couldn't get near the hospital to get any answers.
If I think about it I'll always wonder exactly what happened from the time I dropped him at the ER to the heart attack during the night. Some things we just may never know, we just need to accept it.
As for my dad , it was most likely a blessing in disguise for my mom, because I was seeing possible lewy body , he was very parrinod and getting dangerous, and I know mom was hiding much from me, as for his anger.
sharyn - I wondered if he was developing dementia. It seems likely. I understand the stress of having unanswered questions. Driving into the field was strange. We cannot understand the broken brain and the whys and wherefores of what people with one do. There often are unanswerable questions after a sudden death, which makes processing grief more difficult.
You know for sure he had a cardiac arrest and an allergic reaction. Personally I would leave it at that and move on with all that has to be done now. I think as you go through this you will find your answers about dementia, at least enough for your peace of mind.
How are your daughter and son and the grandkids doing? I know you are very practical and will manage that well and your daughter will help you.. Be sure to take breaks, rest, drink enough water and generally look after yourself. Keep us updated. (((((((hugs)))))
Is there a possibility he had a UTI, my uncle recently ended up in Canada recently, was suppose to go south, ended up north, then was going the wrong way on the north way, on the way home and got in an accident. All because of a UTI.
I'm so sorry about all of this!! Please keep us posted on how your doing.
May I ask opinions here regarding getting an autopsy done. There were red flags before he got Covid and I’m wondering if he had dementia. He was found out in the country in a field that had been worked for construction. The field had been flooded. My mind cannot understand why he would have gone out there in dense fog at night. I can’t understand why he was out there. Should I just accept he had cardiac arrest ?
Apparently, she appears to be content with never going past the drive way ever again. A few days back, she utter the phrase "when I was up and around..." She also said a couple of times "when I was mobile..."
Please know your aging care family are thinking of and praying
for you.
So sorry for your loss of your husband.
This was so unexpected, and yes, tragic.
There was no goodbye.
Sad that you and your family must go through this tragedy.
This is a very hard time for a significant family member to pass and I know you all will feel his absence during the various celebrations. Be sure to take care of yourself and allow yourself time to process this - and come back and let us know how you are doing.
So very sorry to hear of your news. I am so very sorry. Such a shocking tragedy.
I hope everyone and everything is going to be ok. Come back and share when you have more time, maybe. This is very sudden... Sending you big hugs
A tragic event and suddenly has stuck me and my family. I reported my husband as missing on December 8. He was found December 9 deceased from a solo car accident. At this time the coroner has told me he was having an allergic reaction and cardiac event. The only thing we know of he has an allergy to is kiwi. We as a family believe he ate a salad with kiwi and he did not know it had kiwi in it. He told me he was going to the store.
many of you know my husband and I did not see eye to eye often. We had many agruments. Yet I love him. My whole family is grieving from Idaho , Colorado, California, Georgia and Kentucky.
we are processing our loss without rushing to decisions. He was veteran and will be place in a veteran cemetery in Idaho. Decisions will be made after Christmas.
Options are basically to turn the folks over for care of the state.
You cannot possible accomplish anything at this point from the other side of the country.
Call APS in their area.
Whatever you do do not take responsibility of guardianship even temporary. Tell them you are not capable of such a thing mentally, physicially, emotionally or intellectually. Don't let them convince you "We will help; we can get you help; we can work out help". They cannot and will not and want them simply off their hands.
Tell all callers that you cannot function for them from where you are and couldn't if you were there and that they need to get social workers busy on state guardianship and protection for them.
My parents did nothing as my moms dementia advanced. Now she's finally in a care facility but it isn't great. Yesterday my 97 yr old dad apparently slipped and fell in the garage and lay there for so long his body temp was 80 degrees. The neighbor found him and called 911. Now he's in ICU.
I've got the facility calling me to tell me my mom is biting people (and then they realized she had a UTI). I've got the dr calling me with updates about my dad- who has no DNR in place so now it's on me to make the decisions.
I am over this. I don't want to deal with this anymore. They put off any plan for their years and now it's another crap pile for me. I am still working full time and am not able to just keep flying back and forth to them.
What are my options?
First of all dil wants are whole family to go to her house and leave mom home alone xmass day!
Now my old bro told me if I take Mom shopping, to make sure mom doesn't get him any shirts for Xmas, that he donates them every year and doesn't need shirts.
Every year I take Mom shopping to Walmarts , we quickly gather a few gifts so mom feels like a part of xmass. I don't care or want anything!! Nor did I really think anyone did.
Maybe she can wrap up a jello mold for xmass like on xmass vacation. You take it , smile and say $#@&+&$ thank you!!
This is complete insanity!!!!
None of what happened between us would of happened. I would of kept doing what I was doing. All I wanted was a thanks , for helping.
Same with my sister, if she came to me and said, that she just can't do this anymore, instead of just disappearing from the universe I would of said , I get it you have a lot going on in your life. It wouldnt of been an issue.
I remember a distinct moment that occurred about six months into caregiving where, in a conversation, I said to my older bro, "I am so unhappy here (at grandma's house)." I wanted to help my dad and grandma, but I was breaking. My mental and physical health were in a nose dive.
He angrily and sarcastically hissed at me, "Then LEAVE." He pretended the situation was simple even though it was far from that. He did not want to sympathize, which was all I was asking for, begging for, at that moment. I said nothing else to him after that. I knew in that moment he would be the opposite of supportive while I worked hard on family's behalf, work he KNEW was helpful and necessary to straighten out a messy situation, but he couldn't be bothered to say a kind word.
I was broken, crying to my bro, wanting to be hugged and supported... and that was it—that's all I wanted. I got the opposite. It's one of those moments that clearly showed me my family's willingness to kick me when I'm down. Sigh.
My relationships with family are forever altered after caregiving. You can't unsee it.
Take care of yourselves, caregivers, because too often, no one else is going to. Big (((((hugs))))).
“Be the bigger person.”
That’s just (usually) a euphemism for “shut up and take the abuse because the rest of us are comfortable”.
I would call APS. If you have received an eviction notice I have to tell you that we have seen that happen VERY OFTEN here on this page. Unfortunately people do give up their home, their job, their family and move in to care with an elder, and then when the elder is moved to care or dies, there is no home, no job, no job history and often no savings because the person neglected to get a care contract and POA done by an attorney and to save this money.
Sadly I am afraid that you may be down to a shelter. Then a job and saving until you can afford a room. You have years in service as a caregiver. Consider a facility that gives care or hiring on through care.com or Visiting Angels or others.
This is very sad, but poor decision making over some years has led to dire circumstances that mean starting at the bottom. Call APS to see if they can iron out the circumstances around who is POA, your history of caregiving and your current eviction. I am so very sorry for all you are going through.
If patient is unable to sign a POA but can UNDERSTAND it on lawyer examination she can "make her mark " before that attorney who is likely also a notary.
If your mother is no longer able to understand and sign POA over to someone then APS should be called; they can often get emergency temporary guardianship.
If you have a 95 y/o mother who has been awful all this time, and are thinking now to address this, I would say placement in care is likely the answer, with infrequent visits. There is some reason that you have put off this removing yourself from someone abusive for your entire lifetime. Only you can know the reason/s and only you can change your life. Sure do wish you the best and sure am sorry to hear your pain.