I have been caring for my father for the past year since he had a stroke, on set dementia and now incontinence. He is also an alcoholic.
I work 12 hour days and spend the weekends when I want to be relaxing and doing nice things shopping for him, sorting his medications, domestic tasks and making his bed.
He has always been controlling and even admits he likes to see me do things for him. He is able to make his way to the pub twice a day but states he struggles to walk and when I am not there eating out o date food - all for attention and guilt
I find my energy is sucked out of me as soon as I step in to his house - the conversation just revolves around how often he is up through the night needing to pass urine.
I spent mother’s day changing wet soiled bedding - when I mentioned it was mother’s day he replied "so what"
He has caregivers in the mornings but cancelled them at the weekend as he feels it is my duty to care for him at the weekends.
I am tired and it is affecting my mental health
I used all of my annual leave last year taking him to appointments - and when that ran out I had to use unpaid leave which has impacted me financially.
I just do not see an end to it all
He has now asked that I sell my home I share with my 18-year-old daughter and for us to move in with him to care for him full-time.
If he can go out and drink twice a day at the pub he can do for himself.
You have to chose yourself and your daughter and leave your dad to take care of himself.
First of all DON'T move!! in you could be stuck caregiving for years, the older they get the more and more care they need.
Then figured out , what and how much you are willing to do that won't effect your, life and health.
Then figure out a plan to implement it.
There are lots of options for him
Then and VERY most importantly you get yourself to Alon!!!!
And find a good therapist. This is a hard road we need all the help we can get
You DO NOT have to be his caregiver even for one day if you choose not to.
You owe him nothing, so why are you feeling obligated to do any care for him?
If he is able to make his way to the pub twice a day, he is more than capable to arrange any other care he may need for himself.
You are not his slave but are his daughter, and your only responsibilities are for yourself and for your daughter.
So let your father know that as of today you are taking your life back and that he will have to hire any additional care he feels he needs, as you're not playing his sick twisted game anymore.
You need to put your big girl panties on start setting some much needed boundaries starting today.
Best wishes in doing just that.
As I live in the same village as my dad she thinks I should be popping in daily which is impossible wit my hours at work and feels care costs too much.
I have reached the point that I really do not care about inheritance I just cant be his carer.
There is no way I will be selling my house - it was a ridiculous suggestion he continues with the emotional blackmail saying it would be "his dream" - more like a nightmare.
He was sending me to the local shop for ridiculous things like a lemon or a sandwich when the shop is next to the pub where he goes twice a day?! I have told him I will help with heavy shopping items/weekly shop but to pick up little things on his way back from the pub - again he was taking advantage.
He was awful to mother when she was at the end of her life - verbally abusive to the point that safeguarding had to step in and place her in a nursing home. The hardest thing is caring for someone you don't really like.
Do not move in with Dad .
Tell him he is to hire caregivers for the weekend again.
Personally since he can get himself to the pub twice a day , I would be totally out of this situation and be calling APS and letting them handle his caregiving needs .
He wants you to be his slave.
You have your daughter and your own life to live .
You do not sell your house and there is no way you subject your daughter to this abuse. Yup I said abuse.
He is using you.
If he can manage to get to the pub 2 times a day he can manage to make his own bed and sort his meds.
Eating "expired" food will not kill you. Eating spoiled food will probably make you sick but except in rare cases even that will not kill you...you may wish you were dead though.
BOUNDARIES
Establish ground rules and stick to them.
Do not give up more of your work time, do not endanger your eventual retirement by compromising your savings.
The end is by saying no and stop going over there to care for him, it is NOT your duty to care for him.
If he can go to the pub and get drunk he can take care of himself or hire someone.
The ball is in your court time to stand up for yourself and just say "No".
So you stop going over on weekends to work. If he has hired help during the week, he can have hired help on the weekends too.
You can go and visit if you want to, or even meet him for a drink at the pub on a weekend. Stop being an unpaid, weekend servant though.
It also sounds to me like he's playing the same kind of attention-seeking games my mother likes to play. The eating spoiled food as a way to guilt-trip you and the self-pity because they want to be "babied". To that I say, I don't think so. You DO NOT "baby" an adult. If an adult's brain is so riddled by dementia that they've regressed back into being an infant, they belong in a nursing home. A guy who can get himself to the pub on his own to drink twice a day, knows better than to eat spoiled food.
You admit that your mental health is being affected. That being said, you need to stop. Your job is not to listen his complaining or negativity. You do not have to be his caregiver. His caregivers are the ones who have to listen to him complain. Not you.
Also, and I cannot put enough emphasis on this in fact I wish I could scream it in your ear:
DO NOT MOVE IN WITH HIM FOR ANY REASON!!!!! DO NOT DO THAT TO YOURSELF OR YOUR DAUGHTER!!!! IF YOU HAVE LOVE YOUR CHILD AND CARE FOR HER WELFARE YOU WILL NOT EVEN CONSIDER MOVING IN WITH YOUR FATHER TO BECOME A CAREGIVER!!!
I hope my message was plain enough and you pay it some mind.
I have suggested he eats at the pub seeing as he is there twice a day and have a sandwich in the evenings. It is nothing but guilt about the spoilt food - and a fixation about making his bed. He complained I did not make his bed right or spend long enough time on making it... so I have stopped - don't even offer to do it now. Again it made me feel like a house maid - a bed is a personal space where he sleeps and I didn't feel comfortable making it - more so now that he wets the bed at night.
I would never consider selling our home - I have a really close relationship with my daughter and could never put her through living him. She is at university and having been a single mum since she was 3 I was looking forward to some time to myself - maybe join a gym or find a partner but have been thrown into this role as his carer literally a month before my daughter left to go to university - can't help thinking he was rubbing his hands together thinking I would have extra time on my hands for him.
Don't move in with him. Never. Even temporarily. Don't allow him to move in with you. Ever. Even temporarily.
That way madness lies.
If he can get himself to the pub 2x a day, he can do for himself. Here in the US we have Home Health Aides. They can bathe and toilet but they also clean and make beds and shop. Have him pay for a service like that. I would not put it passed him to wet the bed just to have you need to make it. Tell him time for incontinence briefs at night. Maybe a commode by the bed. We have Office of Aging who can evaluate his situation. Maybe ask his Doctor for a PT/OT evaluation to see what he is capable of now and where there could be improvement. Get a list of resourses in your village and give it to him.
Tell Dad no more weekends. You need them to get your own stuff done. Working 12 hours a day, you really have no time for him. I am sure one of his aides can shop for him. You got him thru the first year of his stroke, he is on his own now. If he needs anything, he can call your sister. And you tell sister you have done enough. You are getting back to life. We have Senior bussing which takes people to appts and shopping. He now has to hire that help, because you are done. As you told him, he can eat his main meal at the pub. Breakfast should be no problem or making himself a sandwich at night. Tell him if he wants a wife, thats not you. You are done, he is on his own. Make him aware to, that if another stroke means 24/7 care, he will need to go in a care home. You will not be given up ur life for him. I would also tell him that what goes around comes around. Because of the way he treated your mother, this ishis come around. Make Sis very aware to, that you will never take care of Dad longterm. If she won't, his future is a care home.
Stop going.
He can't take advantage of you if you don't allow it.
"You'll have to make other arrangements" is a useful phrase.
Please don't let yourself get roped into that total BS about doing your father's caregiving because you don't have a partner. Not having a romantic partner does not mean you have to go into service.
Many people tend to think that if a woman is on her own or she isn't going to a job that for these facts it makes her available for everyone's childcare or elder care needs. It does not yet so many women get forced into this type of servitude.
Some years ago I got into a car accident. I had some injuries, but recovered. I was in no hurry to go back to work. I was married, lived in a lovely home, and we were well off financially. So I took some time off because I could. Once I recovered, the family (on both sides) just assumed I was available for babysitting for the family's kids and elders. Think again.
My husband's cousin figured I'd babysit her incontinent mother-in-law with dementia during the day while her household was at work and school because I was "home". Fat chance.
I told everyone that until I hang a shingle outside our door that reads: Free Care Service For Your Kids And Old People - don't even ask me.
Please don't let your sister bring your self-esteem down about you becoming the caregiver because you don't have a partner.
But it has been constant. Nacy will do it! I think is what the world was saying for years. Oh don't forget to put dog sitting on that list too
Well Nacy is done doing it all!
Reminds me of every old novel I ever read. First son inherits, second son to the military, third to the clergy. All spinsters (by age 25) will be in service to their own or other families! Hee! The times they are a-changin.
If you can't just stop cold turkey, fake the flu. Stop coming around for a week. Cut back on the things you do and only do the things he CAN'T. I will repeat...things he CAN'T...not things he doesn't want to do. My father was famous for this. I had no issue doing things he couldn't, but I drew the line doing things he couldn't be bothered doing.
You are an adult and do not have to take orders from him. Remember he needs you more than you need him. You might want to remind him of that fact.
I ask people who get themselves trapped by guilt into this crap:
What has Dad done for you to deserve you as his free slave? Has Dad ever worked for anyone for FREE?
Pick a target date, say June 1st. You are quitting and he needs to hire help. You are not coming to change his soiled sheets every weekend, and have NO INTENTION of selling your home and live with him. PERIOD. You are not going to be his servant/maid, even if he PAYS YOU. He can pay to have help and order his food delivered. You aren't morally or legally obligated to him whatsoever. He has hired people before, he just wants to keep his drinking money.
Tell him Selfish Sister can help him. You have given him a year of your life and you are DONE. He can sell his house to fund his OWN care, and can hire help instead of expecting you to wk for him for FREE. An alcoholic will never change. Trust me, my Mom was one and I got out at 18 and never came back.
Get out of this insane slavery now and don't look back! Tell your selfish sister to deal with him herself. She can move in and deal with his mess. Do not fall for his manipulation.
I ask people who get themselves trapped by guilt into this crap:
What has Dad done for you to deserve you as his free slave? Has Dad ever worked for anyone for FREE?
Neither of my parents cared for their parents - they did not live close by but I can not imagine my father giving up every weekend to care for his father/mother when he was in his 50's.
He has always been a very lazy man - something that drove my mother crazy - I know the more you do for someone the more you disenable them.
As a single mum he never once offered to look after my daughter, school pick ups etc not that I would have let him due to the alcohol dependency.
I actually think the biggest problem is my sister. She has put so much emotional guilt on me for not doing more. She sends text asking if I have seen dad during the week and weekends. Some weekends I have just had to invent a 'weekend away' or a 'friend staying over' to set the boundaries.
Perhaps the most honest thing to do would be to sit down with him and ask him for his long term plans. Then tell him what if anything you are prepared to go along with. That's the basis on which he should plan. Then say that you won’t prop up his ‘independence’ because it is stopping him planning properly for his long term future. Then walk out, and don’t go back for at least two weeks. If nothing has changed then, you are out for another two weeks. Save your own life, and let him save his!
Talk it out with your daughter, and get her to prop you up. Show her these comments, so you don't have to be the one being critical, and see what she thinks. Ignore your sister - she may well be as crazy as you. If you need more support, find a counselor.
So this is about you.
Why have you become his carer?
What are YOUR reasons you are you doing what you are doing?
Tell your sister to sacrifice herself if she wants to, or else to go jump. Or more politely, "yes we can" in answer to just leave him. The answer is 'NO', not "I'm not comfortable with that'.
Your sister tells you, "Who else will do it - we can't just leave him".
I'm seeing the word 'WE' in this sentence and 'WE' is not single. Not alone. Not a one-person show. Not a table for one.
Your sister is part of that 'WE' so she can step her backside up and take on some of the responsibility for your father. If she won't she should shut her hole and let that be the end of it.
The caregivers your father needs can be hired for him. Or he can go into a retirement community. Enough is enough.
There was a lot of manipulation with guilt, too. The thing is, my mom was actually bed bound in hospice and dying. Reading that your dad can get himself to the pub twice a week is a slap in the face. And when your sister texts and asks if you have seen him? I would reply, “have you?”.
I know it’s easy for everyone to say just stop, and much harder to actually do it. But I came to the point where I was about to fake a stroke to get out of my “duties”. Don’t wait until you actually have one. Your dad could live for years and years. You said your dad wasn’t caring for his elders when he was in his 50’s, but somehow everyone decided it’s your job? It’s not.
The last 3 replies by Lily, Burnt & Margaret all raise really important topics. Heavy words like 'duties', 'responsibilities', 'sacrifice'.
"I guess I just feel that is the expectation and obligation for a daughter.."
1. Start here. What expectations do you feel have been put on you?
To keep your Dad safe? Happy?
Supplied with home cooked meals, his home cleaned for him, transport whenever he needs?
To keep Dad able to live just as he wants? Just as he was living prior to his stroke?
2. Then look at WHERE these expectations are coming from?
From Dad himself? Due to some oldy-worldy entitlement that daughters are maids?
From your sister? From HER worries?
From friends, wider family or society in general?
Or from yourself? Based on faith, or within your own value system?
You may have been groomed from a young age to be the caregiver, to be the ONE in the family that is expected to do it a from a young age.
I was that ONE in the family, kinda feels like Cinderella at times.
Then though therapy I became the person I was born to be and not the person my family groomed me to be.
When anyone in my family needs something, I slip back to the person I was trained to be, then I have to fight it to be ME again
So I got a call - dad had collapsed in the street and had to be carried home. I
rushed over - empty bottle of red wine, hot day here. He was very dehydrated
and had not eaten. Gave him lots of water and a salad. He did the usual guilt
trip saying how lovely it is to have a home made meal and company whilst he
eats. He is very weak and can hardly walk so won't be going to the pub or local shop for food any time soon.
I feel everyone in the village is judging me - thinking how can I let him go out
on his own and not be there every day making meals for him.
He has put me in a very difficult position - refused carers in the evening and
refused respite even though I said he is making me ill.
Not slept for worry and I have a 12 hour day ahead of me - knowing I will have to
go to see him at 8pm and make a meal for him.
I feel it is a case of waiting for him to have a fall, another stroke or to be hospitalised
Sorry about your dad, I'm sure it all just really sucks!!
As for your dad's neighbors, I feel the same way that people are judging, and they actually probably do. I've had moms neighbors say to me , wow you do everything, does anyone else do anything for your mom but you. To the opposite end that I don't do enough.
So they are probably judging, ya just can't care. And do what is right for you, your mental and physical health