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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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Hi Helen, I did home care for a few years ago. We would often have clients like that mostly male that would refuse help
If the caregiver company works well with you they may find the right person that clicks with your husband.
There was one male client that wouldnt let anyone in the door. But they kept sending some there, and then they would leave. One day one of the paid caregiver showed up and he was at the door refusing to let her in. Then he said before you leave can you help me get the remote unders the couch. He let her in and they bonded.
Sometimes it's about the right timing. Often it's about the right person.
I was sent to a NH to watch over this lady that was vilant, while they found her a better place , for her needs. We bonded and she said I had a calming effect on her. Her brother was visiting and she picked up something to throw at him. I said stop she looked at me and put it down. Because she trusted me.
Other clients I didn't bond with I couldnt help . So they would send me somewheres else
I think the best way to get your husband to accept in home care is to tell him that the person(s) that are coming are coming to help you around the house. Make it about yourself and not him. That has worked for several folks I know like you who had husbands who didn't want any in home care. Over time the husband became comfortable with this person being in the house and would eventually let them help him also. Best wishes.
Cover is right. Take your husband to visit a nursing home. Tell him that if you cannot care for him at home, and he cannot be managed at home, he will have to go to in-facility care. If he has severe dementia this "threat" won't work. And if that's the case then it may be time to acknowledge that you cannot yourself go on managing his care in the home. I am so very sorry. This is very tough and very sad.
Does he grumble but accept? If so, I'd explain the help is for YOU. To help clean etc. Explain. Then ignore the grumbles.
Does he verbally fight the idea with you constantly? I'd drop the topic. No longer discuss it. Avoid any mention in advance if this riles him. Eg No mention that tomorrow aftenoon X is coming.
Does he physically stop staff from entering your home? That will need immediate intervention & discussion about aggitation & mood with his Doctor.
Q2. Can he cancel the service himself?
If yes, instruct staff they work for YOU. Only YOU can cancel.
If not, then it is more about changing your own mind set. About letting go of 'convincing' & towards 'arranging'.
I've been told it can feel *foreign* or wrong. Feel like *telling* instead of *asking*. Can feel like an abuse of your power as a caregiver. Yet, too much control given to the person lacking reason ends with abuse of the caregiver. They become enslaved (of which I have read a few posts today already head that way).
See what others have to say on this. Dignity of choice, consent - these things do matter. It's an interesting topic. Har far can someone go when refusing their own care?
Hi Helen, I am sorry for what you are going through. My dad had frontotemporal dementia and passed a month ago, following four months in home hospice. He was on a lot of Seroquel and Trazodone (calming drugs for his form of dementia) and had lost at least 40% of his body weight due to rejecting almost all food for months, and yet he was still generally uncooperative with the aides and nurses. He didn’t like the cleaner my mom had come into the house for 3 hours once per week either. His general approach was to try to hide from them all and refuse to do whatever (shower, allow them to change his sheets, etc). He was not physically violent though, thank goodness He accepted one male nurse better than any of the others and would generally allow this nurse to take his blood pressure, measure his arm circumference, etc. this nurse would sometimes try to cajole or bargain with him. Like say “next time I come, we are going to shower. Can you shake hands on this?” Once or twice it worked. He also fought against wearing Depends and would remove them whenever he got the chance. Toward the end my dad lost strength to stand on his own, yet he kept falling every time he got out of bed. Then he wanted to be left lying on the floor in pools of blood or his own waste. The nurses and aides would tell him he couldn’t stay there and insist on transferring him back to bed. My mom was resistant to the overnight aides but even when we did have them, my dad would wait until their back was turned and slip out of bed and fall. The last time he ended up injuring himself so badly that he had to go to the hospital to check for concussion and then to a SNF. Before he entered the SNF, his hospice nurse (the one he liked OK) gave him a rapid Covid test. My dad was mad as hell about this and yelling about how it was an invasion of his privacy and he couldn’t believe such a thing could be allowed against his will. He was also furious about being in the SNF. He ended up getting aspiration pneumonia 1-2 days after he entered there and died a couple of days later. Which my mom and I consider to be merciful. I was also very grateful for the morphine they gave him every 2 hours the last 48 or so.
I know many on this forum would say he should have been placed months earlier and I offered it as an option but my mom was adamant to keep him at home as long as humanly possible.
So I am sorry I don’t really have any advice, but I do have heartfelt sympathy! I truly hope it all plays out better for you. But I also feel like we all (me, my mom, the hospice staff) did the best we could. And I am sure that you are also. Best wishes to you.
Dear Helen, My FIL is challenging as well (putting it mildly). The doctor prescribed a low dose of Sertraline (zoloft) to calm him. It has helped his agitation and anxiety. He’s definitely easier to manage. He can still be disagreeable and yell at times, but much less so. Sounds silly, but to get him to shower, which is one of the biggest hurdles, we promise him a sweet treat or a mid-morning nap afterwards. I”m sorry for what you are going through ….as caregivers, it’s so very hard to see loved ones in this state. Make sure to take care of you as well. Marie
Like others have mentioned, it depends on the resulting behavior. If he becomes physical or aggressive, like my mother, caregivers may not want to come. But if it’s just agitation, or verbal refusal, then it’s not a choice. Just like when my kids needed to go to daycare, or be left with a sitter, or have to do something safety related that they didn’t want to… it’s not a choice or up for discussion. You, sad as it may be, are the decision making adult. End of story. Physical violence is a whole other issue.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
If the caregiver company works well with you they may find the right person that clicks with your husband.
There was one male client that wouldnt let anyone in the door. But they kept sending some there, and then they would leave. One day one of the paid caregiver showed up and he was at the door refusing to let her in.
Then he said before you leave can you help me get the remote unders the couch.
He let her in and they bonded.
Sometimes it's about the right timing. Often it's about the right person.
I was sent to a NH to watch over this lady that was vilant, while they found her a better place , for her needs. We bonded and she said I had a calming effect on her. Her brother was visiting and she picked up something to throw at him. I said stop she looked at me and put it down. Because she trusted me.
Other clients I didn't bond with I couldnt help . So they would send me somewheres else
Best of luck
That has worked for several folks I know like you who had husbands who didn't want any in home care. Over time the husband became comfortable with this person being in the house and would eventually let them help him also.
Best wishes.
Take your husband to visit a nursing home. Tell him that if you cannot care for him at home, and he cannot be managed at home, he will have to go to in-facility care.
If he has severe dementia this "threat" won't work.
And if that's the case then it may be time to acknowledge that you cannot yourself go on managing his care in the home.
I am so very sorry. This is very tough and very sad.
Does he grumble but accept?
If so, I'd explain the help is for YOU. To help clean etc.
Explain. Then ignore the grumbles.
Does he verbally fight the idea with you constantly?
I'd drop the topic. No longer discuss it. Avoid any mention in advance if this riles him. Eg No mention that tomorrow aftenoon X is coming.
Does he physically stop staff from entering your home?
That will need immediate intervention & discussion about aggitation & mood with his Doctor.
Q2. Can he cancel the service himself?
If yes, instruct staff they work for YOU. Only YOU can cancel.
If not, then it is more about changing your own mind set. About letting go of 'convincing' & towards 'arranging'.
I've been told it can feel *foreign* or wrong. Feel like *telling* instead of *asking*. Can feel like an abuse of your power as a caregiver. Yet, too much control given to the person lacking reason ends with abuse of the caregiver. They become enslaved (of which I have read a few posts today already head that way).
See what others have to say on this. Dignity of choice, consent - these things do matter. It's an interesting topic. Har far can someone go when refusing their own care?
I know many on this forum would say he should have been placed months earlier and I offered it as an option but my mom was adamant to keep him at home as long as humanly possible.
So I am sorry I don’t really have any advice, but I do have heartfelt sympathy! I truly hope it all plays out better for you. But I also feel like we all (me, my mom, the hospice staff) did the best we could. And I am sure that you are also. Best wishes to you.
Physical violence is a whole other issue.