Believing caregivers, how do I reconcile that scripture says to put others before me whereas the secular world says put me first?

I don’t believe we are to lose ourselves or give our selves away to other people. We are supposed to surrender our lives to God and trust Him, so I think it’s important to make that distinction. Is being a full time caregiver what God has called you to do? Or are you doing it because you think you are “supposed to” in the sense that we have to serve others?
I’m asking the questions for myself also. I had (maybe still do have?) a life that I felt confident was going on God’s path for me, and then suddenly caregiver dropped in my lap. I felt called to help because it’s my family, but I’ve been in much longer than I anticipated so it makes me question if I’m giving too much of myself to people and ignoring what God has already called me to do?
Another thing I thought too was about taking the log out of your own eye before pointing out the speck in another’s. I know this is referring to looking at our own sins before calling out other people, but I had to wonder if it can also be more general to remind us that we have to inspect ourselves and our needs before we can be in any position to worry about someone else.

Thank you, smeshque, for starting this thread. And thank you to all who posted. It's just what I needed tonight. Much respect to all of you.

There are lots of instructions and they all fit together. We cannot take just one and isolate it from the others. This says not to do things from selfishness & conceit but with humility. We are not to
think that we are better than others. But neither are we to think
of ourselves as worthless, and our purpose is of no value. God loves each of us the same and paid a huge price to redeem us.
God does not make junk. You are valuable and so are they. Abuse
is not what this verse is talking about.
Blessings to you and your precious heart to serve and love.

There are some comments on here that have explained this beautifully. What no one has given is the answer as to where in Scripture it says to put others before yourself. To put it in context, I'll include the verse that follows it, which completes the sentence: "Do nothing from selfishness (or contentiousness) or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than himself; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others."
---Philippians 2:3,4 (New American Standard Version)

We live by faith one day at a time sister. This life is truly a fight of faith....the good fight of faith. That fight consists of resting on the chest of our Savior....trusting Him. \0/ He won that battle already at Calvary. He paid a great price for us and he has provided us with all things that we need for life and godliness, if we would but trust Him. Wisdom? He said to ask for it. Trust Him, He will show you what your momma needs. Ask him to show you what your husband needs too. He may have needs he just can't or won't mention. I do know it's easy for everyone involved in a caregiving situation to get selfish..we must guard ourselves from that by keeping our focus on Christ. When we have Jesus right everything else will be right. I've been there and I still find myself there occasionally. I cry out "Lord, show me what to do, I trust you, I can't do this in my own strength and wisdom....I need you." He's never failed me and he never will. I've needed a break so many times and felt frustrated and even resentful at the family for not helping at least long enough for me to go get a haircut. I've had to cancel appointments and give up many of the things I loved to do, but I've found new things, things that work in the situation I'm in and I've found joy in it. God has worked things out for me so many times. We are learning total dependance on our Savior because all that we have need of is in him. Let go of condemnation sister...it's not from The Lord. Like others have said, you do the best you can for your momma and your family as if doing it unto the Lord, but you can't be their God....they have to call out to God for themselves too. I've asked The Lord many times about this caregiving task he has asked me to do and he has given me grace to keep walking. Things don't make sense some times, I've asked many questions and tried to plan and figure things out during this journey, but I'm reminded of the old hymn, "Many things about tomorrow (and today) I don't seem to understand, but I know who holds tomorrow and I now who holds my hand." ~ Whatever we do, we do heartily as to The Lord and not unto men (Col 3:23). It will be worth it all when we see Jesus. \0/ Less of me and more of  Thee Lord.

We are blessed that Mom has lived to 100 years. We have a loving Mother-Daughter relationship that I have prayed for. I am her 24 x 7 caregiver in Independent living in a very nice senior facility. I sing in the choir at church on Sunday mornings and at special concerts and attend choir practice 1 night a week for 2 hours. That keeps me close to the Lord and full of joy. We coordinate our clothes, brush teeth together, have a cat and sing and pray together. Mother has accepted Christ, when she thanks me, I always say, it is not me, it is God showing his love for you through me. Just don't muddle through, strive to love the time you spend with your loved one.

It depends on what kind of promise you made to the person, whom you’re caring for.

If you made a commitment, such as, a marriage vow, then it is your responsibility to see it through thick and thin. If you gave birth, then it is a unwritten responsibility to look after the well-being of your children, until they can look after themselves. If you had been well provided as a child and generally had a happy childhood, then you have a moral responsibility to take care of your parents, when they are incapable of taking care of themselves. Aside those, you also have a life-long responsibility towards yourself. The last one is the most crucial one. If you fail in that, you won’t be able to carry out the other three.

What would Jesus do? He took care of himself. He let others take care of him. He rested. He socialized. He ate well. He prayed. He took care of himself so that he could take care of others. He was an excellent role model for caregivers.

What would Job do? He prayed. He believed. He kept his faith. He trudged on under horrible conditions and was rewarded for his faith that God would take care of him.

I have been my husband’s caregiver for 10+ years. He has dementia from a traumatic brain injury. I just moved him to a care facility 1200 miles away because I can’t afford care where I live. Other family members are visiting him and I will go every three months. I haven’t been able to attend church for several years but my faith that I will be cared for as one of God’s beloved has never failed. I’ve known as a caregiver that I had to give to myself so that I had something to give to him. I still was lost in his illness and am trying to put my life back together. As we say during the Prayers for the People in my church, “I will, with God’s help.”

It was great deliverance when I discovered that I was not the
messiah. Jesus did that. He is All in All. All He asks is that I do my part. He has assigned others to do their part. I am not assigned to force others to do their part. I need to always be ready to give an answer for the reason of my Hope. My feelings were given to me
to be a release but not to control my actions. Trying to not let on
what is real does not produce peace. Jesus said "My yoke is easy and my burden is light" That does not mean we will never face anything difficult, but we will have peace when we are doing a difficult task, if it is a task He has called us to do. The part we need wisdom is to determine what part of this is my responsibility.
Having a clear, kind conversation is a big challenge but should be
productive. I suggest discuss only one issue at a time, and address it as "I am having difficulty with......can you help me work through this?" at a time when everyone is rested, fed, and has time to work it through. Sounds like you will need a series of these conversations. Always speak only of your challenges and requesting input and help from them as how you can survive.
Their misbehavior should be addressed as " I feel ..... when this happens" instead of "you are rude" or whatever. If they ever accuse you, apologize and ask them to forgive you ( Its ok because
Jesus already paid for all the sins and He is not holding it against you anyway, so you just leave it at Calvary). Sorry if this sounds simplistic. These things have given me so much hope. Blessings to you.

Going through therapy to help me discover the root causes of so many personal issues in my life--one thing that a wise therapist said was "Jesus asked us to turn the other cheek when smitten. He did not tell us to stand there and be beaten to death."

Similarly, in caregiving we shouldn't run faster than we have strength. Nobody benefits from an exhausted caregiver. I was caring for my hubby after his liver transplant with zero outside help. I was burned to a crisp, crying a lot and just feeling completely hopeless: my spiritual leader called me into his office one Sunday and told me that I HAD to take a break, he could see the stress and strain evident in my face.

I so appreciated SOMEBODY noticing, and while I didn't pull back much or accept outside help (hubby didn't want it) I did take a daily nap and tried to get out for a walk everyday. It helped. In caring for mother, I have to take routine long breaks from her.

If I don't take care of me, nobody else will. I am so busy caring for my family, neighbors and church callings--sometimes I have to step back and say "I can't do all of this anymore" and I regroup and decide what I can do.

I want to say to IAMDAVE that I do not see you as giving up on your wife. Love is tough! There is heartache and grief in this life. Jesus said we would have it. Look at John 6:33, “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.”

Life gets complicated and there aren't always easy or obvious answers. If your wife needs more care than you can provide for her, then you're not being selfish to place her where she receives that care and where you can continue the job to supply the funds for her care (and yours).

Personally, I think it shows great love to see that someone you love so dearly is properly cared for. God placed both of my parents first in assisted living and then into nursing care. Was it hard? Yes, I really struggled when my mom broke her hip and suffered from Parkinson's, and my dad could not give her the care she needed. I thought it was horrible that Dad didn't want to move in with mom at the Assisted-Living facility. But, you will not find a chapter and verse in the Bible that says my dad had to move when my mom moved. My dad still loved her. He still visited her often. Eventually, my dad ended up living in a nursing care facility 2 doors down from my mom. In spite of the pain and struggles, there were also moments of peace and freedom as I saw God at work.

You do need time to fellowship in your church. You need friends to come along-side and help you in this very difficult time of life. While you might not be able to attend church weekly, perhaps there would be a way to have someone sit once a month with your wife while you attend a service. If that can't be arranged, my church family has been known to go to the home of those who are "shut in" and spend time singing, sharing Scripture, praying, weeping, whatever is needed to help that precious saint in their time of struggle.

We recently had a dear lady in our church who was under hospice care and confined to her apartment. Many folks from our church came alongside her (and her adult children) to sit with her throughout the day. We took meals or a special treat. We shared Scripture (she had me read aloud to her). We prayed and shared requests. On Sunday mornings when I visited, we would watch Charles Stanley and open our Bibles while he preached. It wasn't exactly like being in our own congregation, but the fellowship was rich and deep. I will never forget those blessed times with that Sister.

There must be a godly man that you can go in confidence and share your heart-struggles with. If you can't find one immediately, then ask God to bring him into your life. Everyone needs a godly mentor, no matter our age. I believe there are men (perhaps someone who has a spouse in a local nursing or assisted living facility) that shares in your pain and could help you. Many care facilities also have their own chaplain. He should be willing to meet with you to help you in your journey. I will be praying that you can find the balance and care for both you and your wife. Remember that Matthew 11:28 promises, “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”

The image that came to mind reading your posting is from Mark 1; when Jesus had spent a long day teaching and healing, he retreated to a solitary place to pray and recharge his own strength. When his disciples found him and told him people were looking for him (to get their own needs met) he said No, we need to go somewhere else; there are more people who need me. This was his pattern: pull back as needed to get your own strength renewed, and then choose your battles. Yes, our strength is from God, not our own will, not other people's demands. It is not good for your family for them to take and take and take without considering anyone else. We are all in this together!

First, I would have to look at the Scripture you appear to be quoting and the context. Sometimes we tend to confuse what Scripture is saying. If we look at Mark 12:29-30 ESV, in answer to the question: “‘Which commandment is the most important of all?’” Jesus responds: “‘The most important is, ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.’”

Christians are to love others, because God loves us. There’s no greater or better love than His. 1 John 4:19 KJV states: “We love him, because he first loved us.” A quote from notes on 1 Jn. 4:19 found in the ESV Study Bible reads: “‘We love because.’ Christian love is a gift from God, demonstrated supremely in the cross (see Rom. 5:8). God’s love always takes the initiative, and the love of Christians is a response to that love. Likewise, all morally good human actions are good not because they conform to some arbitrary human standard of good but because they are rooted in imitation of the morally perfect character of God and conform to God’s commands.”

Throughout Scripture, a believer is taught to love others because we have been so very loved by our Savior. Does this mean that we love others more than God? No, we must love God first and primarily. I often think of the example of 2 dear sisters in the New Testament: Mary and Martha. Their stories are told in Luke 10 and Mark 11. Martha was a “doer” (like most caregivers). What she had to learn (and what I had to learn) was that the most important thing was to sit at Jesus’ feet. Jesus said these words to Martha about Mary, “[she] hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her.” Mary longed to learn more about her Savior, and this is what every believer needs to long for. Once we are able to sit at the Master’s feet, we can then find the strength and wisdom to do the tasks He has for us.

(I must add: sitting at Jesus' feet is not an all day event. There may be times in our lives when we can devote an extra amount of time to read, study God's Word, and pray. For the most part, we may only have a few minutes in a day to "get away with God." We can still ponder a verse throughout our day, pray as we work, and keep in an attitude of fellowship with our Savior.)

My favorite part in Martha’s story is how she went to meet Jesus after the death of her brother, Lazarus. You can read about this in John 11. Jesus did not rebuke her for coming. To me it’s a beautiful picture of Martha saying, “I know who You are. I know you could have kept my brother from dying.” Martha was growing in her knowledge of her Savior. And when Jesus visited her home shortly before His death, guess who served Him? John 12:1-2, “Then Jesus six days before the passover came to Bethany, where Lazarus was which had been dead, whom he raised from the dead. There they made him a supper; and Martha served: but Lazarus was one of them that sat at the table with him.” Jesus doesn’t rebuke Martha for serving, and I think that she was doing it out of a heart of gratitude because she had been growing in her love for God.

So while Christians are to love God first and demonstrate their love for Him by the way they lovingly serve others, we’re also given wonderful examples of non-selfish “self-care” (as some may call it). Look at the example of Jesus (God in the flesh). Numerous times in His earthly ministry, we see Him getting away from the crowds and finding renewal and refreshment for Himself (and for those in His close circle, His disciples). Matthew 14:23, “ And after he had dismissed the crowds, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone.” Mark 6:31-32, “And he said to them, ‘Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while.’ For many were coming and going, and they had no leisure even to eat. And they went away in the boat to a desolate place by themselves.” Throughout the New Testament, we see times when Jesus went away from the crowds. It is OK for us to get quiet times for ourselves. It is even necessary.

If we look even closer to Jesus’ ministry, we see early on that He chose 12 men to become His disciples. Men He could train and send out to do the work that He wasn’t able to do alone. While this may seem difficult to understand why God would need men to come alongside to help in His ministry, it is a sweet example to us that we also need others to come alongside us and help us do the job God has for us. You may not always have people who will willingly come to your aid, but you always have a God who cares and you can always go to Him through prayer and ask for His help (see Matthew 11:28). It may be that He’ll show you that it’s time to allow professionals to take on some of the care load for your loved one. I personally struggled with this, since my desire was to have my parents move in with me so I could care for them. God made it clear during their long illnesses, that He had not gifted me, nor called me to do this. I still had teenagers at home (one I was home-schooling), and the house we lived in was not conducive to care-giving: no full bath in the split-level downstairs and too many stairs for a mom with Parkinson’s and a dad whose cancer spread into his hip bone.

My prayer as a care-giver was often, “Lord, give me wisdom! You promised that ‘If [I] lack wisdom, [I can] ask of [You to give me this wisdom, because You promised] that [You would give it] to all men liberally’” (James 1:5). I cannot tell you how many times God made the path clear when I sought His wisdom.

Care-giving is not easy. Everyone must learn God’s wisdom in how to balance the care for others and for themselves. Asking for help is necessary: first ask God, then ask others. If people refuse, then don’t give up. Perhaps there are others who will see the need to come alongside you and assist with your needs. It may also be that God is showing you that it’s time to let professionals care for your loved ones. We cannot allow unnecessary guilt cloud our decision-making process. It’s easy to put guilt on ourselves by trying to please others. The only One I answer to is my Savior, and He’s far more compassionate and caring than any human being. I had to learn this, it was a process. Like Martha, I wanted to please people. Like Martha, I had to learn to take time with the Lord and learn to please Him. He is all that truly matters.

I would suggest that you find a godly friend, older woman, pastor, or counselor who can help you see what is most important in your “ministry” of care-giving. They may help you to find the balance that you need as you go this difficult path. Remember that in the end, the only One you need to hear a “Well done” from is your Lord (see Matt. 25:21).

Smeshque,
Take a plane flight on your next vacay.

Listen carefully when they explain over the intercom:
"If there is a loss in cabin pressure, the oxygen masks will drop down."
"Put your oxygen mask on first before putting it on your children"
This is because of the concept of one cannot help someone else if they don't help themselves first.

Since there were no planes in the time that Jesus walked the earth (what I believe)
I just could not take the time to find scripture right now, and the oxygen mask was all I got.

How about: Jesus slept.

The question of how much and what does any one life owe another life in "caregiving" services is one of the most significant issues. So many struggle with how to cope guilt, frustration anger depression when being dealt the role of caregiver . The caregiver most likely is a spouse, parent or child of the one who needs care. the caregiving could be simple or it could consume and control the life of the caregiver . For some it is out of legality as in most spouses or children of the elderly , others due to lack of financial assets for alternative care
This site offers us all the opportunity to explore and share options for coping as the caregivers . Please do not hesitate to share ideas as burnout is a reality for so many as you read these pages including my own

Great question with no easy answer. Personally, I believe God has a life plan/purpose for each one of us and that we are obligated as part of our destiny to listen for that guidance and honor it. In other words God has a plan for you and a separate plan for your mother. If you get quiet and alone, and release all of the "shoulds" and "can't dos" from your thought process, you will get your answer. If you truly believe part of God's life plan for you is to care for you mom as part of your journey, fine. If when you get quiet you instinctively know God is wanting you to be doing something else, then that's what you do. Whatever we think we should be doing may not be the same as what God wants you doing. And surprisingly what God wants for you may not be the most painful and "sacrificial." Try this, thinking only of God's message and not the "shoulds" and see if this gives you any clarity.

I pray every night for guidance and patience and my sanity.

If you don't take care of you, there will be no one to take care of your loved one. This is why caregivers often depart before the patient.

I don't know who told you to put yourself last - but I bet the person is NOT a caregiver.

Great topic and obviously one of interest to many. I have done lots of struggling also. My wife of 33 years who is only 56 had a couple strokes from 2015 forward. Left her 10% at best of who she was. I've cared for her the last 2 + years and am now at the edge of putting her in assisted living. I have struggled mightily with this decision. How in the world as a Christian can I give up on her? But I'm just not sure I can handle it mentally and physically any longer. I am all alone in this. No help anywhere. She can't communicate either. Not verbally that most people can understand. I get 10% of what she says. But she knows what's going n and cries profusely and just 45 minutes ago when I left for work was begging me not to go that she would do whatever and it will be ok... at least that's the basics of what I surmised. Sobbing etc. How do I give up on her? ugh... by dear Lord, I want to live some. I want to be able to get a little exercise, have a vacation, go back to church, see more family etc. I'm just 53. Will I stand before the Lord one day and He ask me why I left her to go enjoy the rest of my life? I struggle with that every day and every hour of each day. I hear you. This ain't easy.

I have lived a very blessed life and I am being taught things. I guess I haven't learned them yet because I'm still facing these things. These struggles shape our character, There's an awesome book "The purpose driven life" by Rick Warren. Amazing book I'm on my second time through. There's a chapter about halfway through that I recently read multiple times as it talks about how things we go through in life shape our character. How God teaches us the most through difficult times.

My dear Sister in Christ, I have complete empathy for your struggles, it is not easy being a caregiver or a Christian in this day and age.

Can you please tell us if your mom and husband are believers?

From your post, I think I know but, would like confirmation.

May God tuck you under his wing of protection and give you peace and rest.

Smeshque, you mentioned about that you would like for your husband to talk to your mom a bit so you can refresh. Sorry he doesnt understand. May G-d help him to understand. Dont hold in your feelings until you explode. Nicely, tell your husband how you feel. - All the best

Someone suggested talking with your pastor. Men and women who serve in this capacity know exactly what it’s like to be needed by so many in their congregation and have been taught ways to take care of themselves so they can avoid burnout and take care of others. So I think he or she would have good insight into this question you are asking.

As I was contemplating moving my mom to AL I wonder how this lined up with scripture. When I felt I could do no more for her, I wondered if I should sacrifice all for her including my family. I asked myself over and over how I could honor her, yet go so far against her wishes. I prayed and prayed, but told no one these feelings or questions. It was too painful to even talk of it to my family, even though we discussed the AL plan. I never mentioned my spiritual battle to anyone. One day out of the blue my pastor contacted me. I don't know him well as he was new to our church. He said, "I am praying for you as you make decisions for your mom and honor her by making sure she will be taken care of." It was what I needed.

Hi smeshque. I do understand since I've been there. Prayer is the answer. Once you pray leave it with God also begin to ask God to show you the sipiritual side of what you going through. The bible let's us know that we are to
walk by faith and not by sight. Frustration comes so does our patience wearing thin. ...but believe in the God of your prayers, trust that HE hears and knows all. He knows the plans (thoughts) He has for you they are not of evil but are of peace to give you an expected end. Be encouraged. Prayer coupled with fasting is awesome.
Btw I've been taking care of my mom for 5 years this July by myself naturally and God's grace has been very sufficient for me. It has been very hard MANY times mostly when I take my eyes off God's plan. Do you have any help or respite care?

My daughter was troubled by this question, scripture encourages self sacrifice but her instinct is to say I’m sorry, no, I can’t do that.

She talked to every older lady at her church, ladies that have lived the Christian life for many years. ALL of the ladies advised her to set limits, do what you can to help but DO NOT move in with the needy person and keep your own life going.

Sounds familiar? It’s healthy common sense. God does not want his children to be doormats.

DDDuck , what you said touched my heart about talking to G-d from the heart and saying psalms. I love psalm 20, 27, and 121.

I understand exactly where you are. Honor your Father and Mother. We as Christians may not like the job, but we are expected by God to take care of them. There is nothing wrong with getting the help you need however. You are still taking care of their needs. We live is a self satisfying world. God told us in the scriptures it would be like this. We however, can not fall into the same thinking. KEEP PRAYING God will help you.

It's important to put oil in your lamp first, so to speak. It's hard somedays to feel like you're doing right by everybody including yourself. But I've learned how important it is to take care of myself. I too am a person of faith. When I took on the care of my elderly mother with advanced Alzheimer's I also had 3 kids (one with a learning disability that makes school a challenge), a full time job, a husband, a home, and an elderly father with Parkinsons. I had many nights of being awake at 2am crying on the couch and praying that I just couldn't do it all. One night in prayer, I had the clearest answer to prayer I've ever had. I felt the Lord very clearly telling me that I didn't have to do it all. He did not expect me to have the capacity to make everything all better for everyone. Certainly, I could have compassion and understanding for those in need around me, but I would have to do so within my mortal limits, and that means taking time for myself to rest up, renew, and find joy in the day to day.

Here's a great quote I love from a faithful servant of the Lord, Jeffrey R Holland, in a talk he gave called "Like a Broken Vessel:" If you are the one afflicted or a caregiver to such, try not to be overwhelmed with the size of your task. Don’t assume you can fix everything, . . . Dozens of times in the scriptures, the Lord commands someone to “stand still” or “be still”—and wait. Patiently enduring some things is part of our mortal education. For caregivers, in your devoted effort to assist with another’s health, do not destroy your own. In all these things be wise. Do not run faster than you have strength."

There's great advice from everyone here. Remember you are a child of God, and He loves you. Take care of yourself!

BarbBrooklyn, that is a very nice explanation of put yourself first!

Google "Caring for others" for scripture related to this topic. There is a wealth of information. I have not read all of it, but so far, I see nothing that says not to physically take care of yourself first. Please correct me if I am wrong. My Mother always said that if you can't figure something out, go to the INSTRUCTION book.

I noticed you wrote this "I feel so responsible for helping her find things she enjoys doing". Basically you want deeply for her to be happy but you are NOT responsible for her happiness. That is internal not external. She is in the last of her life and has faced many losses. Yes...how we wish they could be happy, but that is unrealistic to think you are responsible. A wise person once told me in a book I read when I began my caregiving journey that I’m responsible to my parent but not for them. Does that make sense? It really helped set my priorities straight. A good book called Boundaries that our Stephen Ministry book read uses scripture it is by Henry Cloud. Another book we used was Christian Caregiving, a Way of Life by Kenneth Haugk. I think you’d find both of these useful from a Christian perspective. A friend who also cares for her mother told me she holds her plans loosely before God....and then let’s God handle the outcome. In other words don’t be so attached to how you want it to be. That was helpful to me as well. Bless you on your journey but do know that God doesn’t want any of us to be a doormat. Even Jesus stood up for himself to get away fro. The crowds when he was overwhelmed. You do your best accordingly and "live I to your values" as my therapist said. Find someone to talk to that can help you with your feelings. And I hope you will check out those books I suggested.